I'll preface this by saying that I am a 34 year old FTM. I have been in a poly relationship with a couple for 7 years. The male (age 55) is my primary partner. I do not interact romantically with the female, but we get along (now, after some work) and we all live together.
Okay. So it was just about a year ago that an old friend re-connected with me, and I discovered HRT. I had no idea it existed, and thought that transitioning just meant having surgery. Furthermore, when I was 20-something, I looked into said surgery and abandoned the thought of transitioning. So, over the last year since discovering HRT, I have had to reopen that area of my mind, accept being trans, and decide how to go about transitioning. Its been a roller coaster. And I have kept Him in the know every step of the way. He keeps saying he supports whatever decision I make.
Well, that's great. But that's where it stops: at SAYING he's supportive. So far he has not done ONE BIT OF RESEARCH to understand anything trans related. He has no idea what it means to question your own gender, or the trial and error of trying to come off as the person you feel you truly are. He has no idea how the way my breasts look and feel can send me into a downward spiral of unhappiness for hours or days on end. No idea how telling me "real men don't..." makes me feel. I know I'm not a "real man", why does the person closest to me have to go and point it out? Oh, because he has no idea how much that hurts. Because he can't be bothered to sit down at a computer and watch a youtube video, or read some information.
Furthermore, when I finally made the decision to start HRT, I asked him if he wanted to do my weekly injections. I have always felt comfortable with giving him some power in our relationship and thought this would be a good way to have him directly involved. He agreed and was excited about being involved. But again, this is the only way he's showing involvement. And he sort of messed up the last shot, in a few different ways. I want to let him do this, but I need him to do it RIGHT. I told him so afterward and he told me that he would "make it a priority" to look into the proper technique. Today is shot day. He woke me up, made breakfast, and asked about doing my shot. I asked if he had read up on the proper way to do so and he said he hadn't had time. I told him he couldn't do it, then.
Then we had a big old fight about all of this, where I basically said everything I wrote above, but in a more emotionally charged way.
I don't know what to do about him. I know he is emotionally disconnected in general, but I really feel like he should be showing more interest in my changes, and with my struggle. I am honestly closer to my MTF friend than my current SO because she understands what I am going through and he does not. And doesn't seem to want to. It seems like he just wants to pretend like none of this is actually happening and go forward in life like nothing significant is going on. I have sent him links to read, showed him videos to watch, and told him about the SO forums here on Susan's. He hasn't followed through on any of it. Not one. I know he loves me, and this isn't some weird thing with him thinking of leaving me, or anything. But I simply need him to be more involved, in a different way than he has been. And the thing that scares me, in the end, is that I don't know if he's actually capable of doing so. He may be so turned off from his emotions, that he simply cannot understand my needs...
I feel lost, and very hurt about this. I'm sorry to rant on and on, I'm just trying to put out everything so people can understand what I'm going though...
-Bear
Hey Bear, that sounds like quite a hurtful situation to be in, it's never nice to find that someone you are close to says 'I accept you' but there actions contradict and actually say 'I'm fine with you existing but don't expect me to be part of it'. But it is a good thing this has come to surface, it's something you need to resolve in your own way, whether by leaving him, attempt to change him, or come to some compromise. It must hurt but you can not bury this and risk it being that much more a destructive issue in the future.
massive 'hugs'
Lily x
Man, I'm sorry. Your manfriend sounds exactly like my husband. I could have written the exact same "story" up until the point where you start hrt, which I haven't.
I don't have any good advice, I'm at a loss myself. At the moment we seem to have settled for a don't ask don't tell kind of compromise. We work on our general communication in couples counseling, but I decided to let the trans* issue rest for the time being because our discussions weren't getting us anywhere. I work on learning to face the possibility of a life without him and hope that somehow things will work out when the time for hrt has come.
I try to accept that he doesn't feel a need to learn more about what being trans means for the time being.
Good luck -- I hope you find a way of improving the situation!
Thanks. My therapist and I spent the good part of our session yesterday talking about this. Somehow, when I'm talking to a professional, they understand exactly what I'm saying, but when I talk to the actual person, its ridiculous. I emailed her this morning, asking if it would be a good idea to bring my manfriend with me sometime.