Yes the biggest factor for any successful transition is confidence. The ability to walk head held high interact with people and get on with your daily life. Now one of those daily chores we all can face is public bathrooms.
I'm starting to pass more and more at work and in public especially when I'm with a girlfriend over male friends (I think in Australia when you go out with two males or a guy and a girl and it can automatically become hey guys). So how do you know that it's time to go to the correct bathroom. Was it strange looks from others while you where entering exiting. Or did you get a sorry sir miss I think you want that one. Or did you just put the blinkers on and say I belong in here
Any thoughts, opinions and stories on how you manage this will be greatly appreciated
Baby stepping at the moment but this is probably the last hurdle I truly need to cross
I dunno about Australia but in America there could be one guy with five girls and the greeting is "Hey guys" so I wouldn't read that as being misgendered per se...For me I made the switch when women started looking at me concernedly/confusedly, double checking the door when they saw me exiting, etc. The final push was when I was actually stopped by a female attendant who hesitantly asked if I was in the right bathroom. I began by going into men's restrooms I knew were low-traffic to build up my confidence, and have never had to go back.
I bet that going in with a female friend would help you in the beginning, people are unlikely to question two friends going into the restroom, plus women seem to do that all the time anyway (in America at least).
It's a big step and a great one, good luck :)
I switched when men started chasing me out of the boys bathroom while I was still in boy mode. I do still have anxiety about using the girls room though and will try to avoid it or find ones that are not very public. Thank God I've never been harassed or anything in the girls room.
When guys would walk in, look at me, turn around, and march back out. :) Some awfully confused men for a few weeks before I took the hint...
As said when the men say excuse me I think you entered the wrong restroom when in androgens mode.
That's when I started going more part time enfem.
Pretty simple... use the genderings of anonymous people as a guide.
If anonymous people are calling you by female pronouns more often than not, then you should probably be using the women's room. If anonymous people are calling you by male pronouns more often than not, then you should probably be using the men's room.
And yeah, I pretty much used this as a guide, and had no problems.
About 7 months into hormones, I started being gendered female consistently while wearing a wig, and as such I started using the women's room when I was out in "girl mode." No problems. I kept using the men's room when not in "girl mode," mainly at work, for another 7 months after that. Near the end of that time, I had several instances where guys in the bathroom were giving me weird looks while I was at the sink doing my hair, hiding themselves in shock when I walked into the bathroom. Near the same time, I started getting called "she" pretty consistently, at least several times a day, by customers who didn't know me. At that point, I started dressing more femme with confidence, started using the women's room 100% of the time, and the rest is history, I had no problems at all.
Giry mode ??? Guy mode ???.
Looking at my wardrobe I don't think I can find a single piece of guys clothing in style length or cut. It has been this way for more then a few years now
Maybe it's a lack of confidence in the situation, but confidence in myself that I'm not paying attention to others if I have to use the bathroom.
While random strangers (both work and in public) and shop assistants have been gendering me correctly more lately I have yet to see weird looks from the bathrooms (sigh). Maybe just a case of if you are in there you belong. I don't know maybe I'm thinking too much
Wanting to go full time and really this is the only thing that is holding me back now.
Still thinking still baby stepping, but yes any more examples on how you knew and how you where able would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
I swapped bathrooms after my legal name and gender change was complete. I had experienced male fail a few times prior but it was not a severe problem for me at that point. I used the guy's restroom at work for the last time late on a Thursday afternoon, and when I came back to work as Eva the following Wednesday I started using the ladies room.
Its kind of funny though - I tend to walk around lost in deep thought about work issues, and force of habit has steered me into the men's room a couple of times before I realized what I was doing :laugh: Luckily no one saw me either time.
Quote from: immortal gypsy on December 04, 2014, 04:56:39 PM
Any thoughts, opinions and stories on how you manage this will be greatly appreciated
I always used the bathroom of the gender I was presenting. Early on when I was nervous about not passing, I tried to use a unisex restroom whenever available, but never used the men's if I was dressed as a woman.
Quote from: immortal gypsy on December 04, 2014, 10:14:48 PM
While random strangers (both work and in public) and shop assistants have been gendering me correctly more lately I have yet to see weird looks from the bathrooms (sigh). Maybe just a case of if you are in there you belong. I don't know maybe I'm thinking too much
As I have been told and subsequently experienced, guys hardly look at each other in the restroom unless they already know one another. If no one is really looking, how could they see something is different?
I think that "if you are in there you belong" does apply to an extent, and if you are already being gendered correctly by strangers then you're probably better off using the correct restroom :)
I talked to HR before telling anyone else. We then scheduled an "optional employee announcement" which a lot of people actually showed up to. The bathroom was the biggest concern so we came up with a solution. I would put a magnet of some kind on the frame around the door as a way of saying Ashley's in there. Those who were uncomfortable would have to wait or use a different bathroom. It didn't take long before one of the ladies I knew had an issue showed up in there. After that I stopped doing it and didn't get any complaints. The magnet made me feel like I was in grade school again, but it was only for a couple of weeks. I was a little more concerned on my way home from my first endo visit and I had to go at Wendy's. Fortunately there weren't a lot of people in there and most people were using the drive through. But I've been told that at this point, I'm in girl mode 100% of the time, so I need to use the girl's room 100% of the time.
I was wearing a dress publically for the second time and really had to go. Men's room- not even an option. It was no big deal and completely uneventful. I really freaked out one of my friends (also trans) by telling her I did this on my second time out. She had been publically trans for ages and still could never work up the nerve to do this.
Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. You go in, close the stall, do your business, wash up and leave just like everyone else. If you act like it's a big deal, I suppose it has the potentlal to become one due to your demeanor being "off".
It was funny though that after I'd been fulltime for several months that I found myself in a familiar bar/restaurant downtown and by force of habit opened the men's room door. Oops! Sorry guys...
Actually that makes a huge difference. I've owned it since day one. The HR lady says I'm the 3rd person she's worked with through this. The other 2 weren't as confident as I am. They were sending out mixed signals that was making everyone uncomfortable. I can't deny that internally I've had my occasional "WTF am I doing moments?", but publicly I refuse to let them out. I am a little self conscious about it though. I try to be discrete. I even flush immediately even if I'm not quite done to minimize the smell. I respect the other ladies in there and I own my right to be in there. I think that helps a great deal.
Quote from: Jill F on December 05, 2014, 03:34:07 PM
I was wearing a dress publically for the second time and really had to go. Men's room- not even an option. It was no big deal and completely uneventful. I really freaked out one of my friends (also trans) by telling her I did this on my second time out. She had been publically trans for ages and still could never work up the nerve to do this.
Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. You go in, close the stall, do your business, wash up and leave just like everyone else. If you act like it's a big deal, I suppose it has the potentlal to become one due to your demeanor being "off".
It was funny though that after I'd been fulltime for several months that I found myself in a familiar bar/restaurant downtown and by force of habit opened the men's room door. Oops! Sorry guys...
Quote from: Jill F on December 05, 2014, 03:34:07 PM
I was wearing a dress publically for the second time and really had to go. Men's room- not even an option. It was no big deal and completely uneventful.
I think that was me on the third time I'd ever been out in girl mode. It was a bit weird at first, no urinals and no line of guys pissing into them, more stalls and less of a lingering malodorous stench in the air and wow is it so much nicer!
Confidence is a big factor. But how you present is key to it all working. When I bumped into you the other day you were quite andro in appearance and clothes but in the first second I saw you I read you as female, you have boobs for crying out loud!! ;D But look, it's not like women stare at each other in the face when you walk in, they might look at you and smile if there is a queue but other than that, as mentioned above, it's all business in there. I'd say you would've been able to use the ladies the other day, no way the guys. But you need the confidence. Do you have a dress or a skirt, something regarded a bit more feminine - wear that out and if you need to go, then make a beeline for the ladies. That might help to give you a bit more confidence for the next time you're in a tee and pants.
Quote from: TerriT on December 04, 2014, 06:33:06 PM
I switched when men started chasing me out of the boys bathroom while I was still in boy mode. I do still have anxiety about using the girls room though and will try to avoid it or find ones that are not very public. Thank God I've never been harassed or anything in the girls room.
This is more or less what I was going to say XD
When everyone starts looking at you funny when you use the one you always used to use. Lol. I was at a car show and was socially sort of hustled into the men's room, and that day I realized, well, I am passing without even thinking about it, lol.
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Yeah I'm not a skirt or dress girl. I will wear jeans when it is 45ºC in the shade. (I doubt I even have a pair of shorts lying around)
Quote from: TerriT on December 04, 2014, 06:33:06 PM
I switched when men started chasing me out of the boys bathroom while I was still in boy mode. I do still have anxiety about using the girls room though and will try to avoid it or find ones that are not very public. Thank God I've never been harassed or anything in the girls room.
I think that's part of my problem, yes I do have boobs ;D but I have yet to be chased out of the mens. I look in the mirror to see what I'm wearing, and don't see a guy more half the time anymore. Grr trying and buying on clothing is childsplay, why is this so difficult :eusa_wall:
To quote Nike - Just. Do. It. :)
Quote from: Ms Grace on December 05, 2014, 06:49:42 PM
To quote Nike - Just. Do. It. :)
And Just. Do. It. Sitting. Down. :D
Quote from: Ms Grace on December 05, 2014, 06:49:42 PM
To quote Nike - Just. Do. It. :)
Quote from: Jill F on December 05, 2014, 07:01:44 PM
And Just. Do. It. Sitting. Down. :D
Ok this Wednesday morning I'll go bowling and, I will "Just. Do It." "Just Do It. Sitting. Down. "
Low traffic if I get in before the school kids and I know the area so I should be comfortable
:icon_yikes: I put it down on the forums, guess that means I'm committed
Quote from: immortal gypsy on December 05, 2014, 07:41:40 PM
Ok this Wednesday morning I'll go bowling and, I will "Just. Do It." "Just Do It. Sitting. Down. "
Low traffic if I get in before the school kids and I know the area so I should be comfortable
:icon_yikes: I put it down on the forums, guess that means I'm committed
Pics or it didn't happen....
uh, on second thoughts, no, probably best not! ;D
Thank you everybody for your thoughts and your opinions, and experience, plus the bucket of cold water I sorely needed. Mmm I need to find a pair of flats tommorow, if I leave early enough I should be able to find the courage to use the correct bathroom for the first time. In, go, wash your hands and leave. Don't forget to breathe you belong there.
No Grace I will not be taking pics
When I pass I use the ladies. Except at work because everyone knows I'm a "guy" but that is being sorted out with HR. Unfortunately I have to pick a date to be full time. I can't just switch between bathrooms at will. But I'm cool with that. When I come out at work I have full support of HR and my manager, who is a VP and second in command of our division so he is senior and has authority.
i finally just had enough and only use the womens room so far no ones said anything
The main place that I spend time in that doesn't have neutral toilets is my faculty building, so I'm waiting til I'm out to my lecturers and supervisors because I don't want to bump into them in the loo and have to explain then! At the moment, I'm just planning my activities to make sure I stop off at enough places with neutral toilets to not have to use the wrong ones.
Go to a CVS or some place where an employee must open a door for you. Theres ur ansser. I know fr me i thought i never passed but anytime i was in this situation they opened the womans door. Without dressing and living as a woman you cant know fo sho. When it really hit home for me was when i entrred a rehab....as a guy..an the nurse straight up took me asnd asked me if im really a man or woman. I told her and the other nurse no one would notice i take hormones and the one spit her drink out. She said sweetie if you eant to look male u need to try harder. So yeah...
Sorry for grammar im on my droid...but not the droids ur looking for lol jk
That's a good question. I was shopping last night at walmart & needed to pee. I went to the bathroom area & really could not decide, I was dressed mostly female however kind of neutral, not flashy as I do most of the time. So to be safe I ducked in the mens for a quick pee. Maybe I should use the female bathroom. Men look at me funny like they know I'm not a man for sure. Women smile more at me & are nicer so I must look more female.
I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! ;D :D :laugh: :icon_dance: Finally I used the correct bathroom
Walking to the comic store through the mall area I needed to go. Families around so fairly busy as its an outside area on a Sunday morning. I even had to walk past some people so there was no hiding what I was doing.
Think I'll still need to build up some more confidence to be completely and reassurance from some people who don't know me, but first time and still beaming.
Step by step day by day full time is coming closer :laugh:
Once I went full time I only ever use the women's room. I was still pre-HRT at the time that started and just was confident that the men's room was definitely not a place for me, so it only made sense to use the women's room. It was scary the first time, but the only other options I had (use the men's or my undies instead) seemed much less appealing.
I have never experienced any issues other than some intrigued looks early on. I feel like at the point I am at in HRT, if I tried to go into the men's room instead, I would get confused looks.
Generally speaking when you get strange looks when using the men's ;)
Then its probably a good time :)
It took me until I had been on HRT for two months before I finally worked up the courage and felt confident enough in myself to use the women's bathroom at a JCPennys store while shopping with a friend. Even though nobody was in there I was still scared to death. After the first few times it gets easier and easier to just nonchalantly walk in like any other woman does to use the restroom.
Once other women stopped me and said: "Honey, the women's room is over here." Up until that point, I was using the men's room just out of habit.
As soon as I went full time I made the switch.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on December 06, 2014, 05:27:31 PM
Go to a CVS or some place where an employee must open a door for you. Theres ur ansser. I know fr me i thought i never passed but anytime i was in this situation they opened the womans door. Without dressing and living as a woman you cant know fo sho. When it really hit home for me was when i entrred a rehab....as a guy..an the nurse straight up took me asnd asked me if im really a man or woman. I told her and the other nurse no one would notice i take hormones and the one spit her drink out. She said sweetie if you eant to look male u need to try harder. So yeah...
Sorry for grammar im on my droid...but not the droids ur looking for lol jk
That's a city thing. Out here in the burbs and countryside the bathrooms are all open and not locked. But in New York a lot of places lock the bathrooms and you ask the cashier or other staff for the key or go buzz you in. My FIL who owns a laundromat in queens explained why, you have non customers coming to use your facility and being pigs with it. In a city you have much more people so more mess to clean up. So restroom for customers only.
Interestingly enough I have seen a sparkling clean men's restroom. It was in Jo-Ann, the craft store. Me and my son were probably the only ones using that one.
But the idea is a good one. Let others be the judge. That only works if you're read as female however.
Last time I've been in the men's room was 5 years ago, around 18, I've been on mones for half a year at that time, also half a year out of high school, still wearing boyish clothes with almost shoulder length hair (picture J-Rock style). I was in the mens washroom at my local Asian mall (Pacific Mall). Guys were staring me as usual, I assumed that I might be mistaken as a "tomboy" tho I didnt pass, have been getting them for a few months, this one outspoken guy tho looked at me and shouted, "Woah, this is the men's room!?!". As I walked out of the stall, my face turned bright red, lowered my head out of embarrassment and rushed out. Since then I try to use the washroom for disabled to avoid embarrassment/harassment, but I mostly refrained from going out to the public at that awkward in-the-middle period, started to go full time the next year for university, and since then I've been using the ladies room exclusively and never looked back. The first time in the ladies room was when I first started fulltime, went to a mall together with a female friend, she was nice enough to go in with me together, at that moment, my heart was pounding vigorously, felt anxious yet excited. The moment I stepped into the ladies room, I felt blissful, nearly moved to the point that I had tears to my eyes. ;D