Note: I actually wrote this for another site that requires an intro post but since I haven't done one here I guess I'll c/p it here.
I'm 20, living in a quite religious country, and have been wanting to be a girl since I was a kid. At around 4 or 5 I started wearing, secretly, my sister's dresses, though only a few times, and sometimes I would want to act in a female manner though I'm not really girly, I think. I just feel like a girl. I want to be a girl. I am sick of my male body. I hate having broad shoulders (not crazy broad but I already have a masculine shoulder-hips ratio) and am afraid of the idea of my frame growing any larger and my not-really-that-visible adams apple protruding even more. I don't know what to do, what do I do? There aren't any gender clinics here nor any support group for g/l/b/t fellows that I know of. I think it's because of the religion here. It's supposed to be a kind of a sin to cross-dress.
I've had dreams related to my ->-bleeped-<-. Back then when I was afraid, embarassed to let my mother or anyone know, I dreamt of telling her, and with a nod she approved!, and I became a girl just like that. One of my aunts complimented on how pretty I was despite having short hair, a buzzcut. I was so happy. Then there were dreams of me not having the snake thing between my thighs. I'd then wake up, check if it really disappeared as if by magic, then I get disappointed and upset.
As a kid I used to wish over and over and asked that God would make me a girl. I still want it badly... I want to be a girl.
I have only told this to a few of my family members a few days ago since I just found out a month ago that HRT is possible, and thought that maybe they could help.
Just now, by the way, I had a dream of doctors specialized in sex-change coming to my country and I skipped my tests in school (though I'm not actually in any school/institution right now) just to see them. I dreamt that I finally started transitioning. And I think they chipped off a tiny bit of bone on my shoulders too. When I felt them I could tell that my shoulders were smaller. I want to grow my hair out but in the dream I cut it because I didn't want people to know straight away that I was transitioning. I still looked like a guy, but on HRT. I was so happy. It felt so real.
Then, I woke up.
I'm not an expert so take all of this with a little pinch of salt ^^
I recently accepted that I know I want to be something else, I don't know what it is, but I know I don't want to be a guy. I hate how my body is and I know I can't change that, I've been crossdressing since I've accepted it whenever I can, and I feel better about myself then eventually when I have to go back to being, I don't know what to call it.. what other people view as "normal" it makes me sad. Perhaps you could experiment a bit more with crossdressing, I don't think many people can help you with this apart from professionals (I have no idea if theirs any on the forum)
You just need to take a long hard think and figure out who you really are, it's hard I know I'm trying to myself, hopefully eventually we'll both get our answers <3
If you'd like to chat about anything feel free to private message me (:
Much love, amber :)
sqrkbkwmqko
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Hey there, welcome to the forum "hugs"
Sounds like your in a tricky place to be yourself but it's great your family are accepting, I wish I could offer some advice but I wouldn't know where to start.
Lily x
Hello there and welcome to Susan's.
:)
Hey there, welcome to the forum. It can be especially hard for trans people living in morally harsh countries. It's good to know HRT is a possibility. You said you told some family members, how did they react?
welcome
Quote from: Ms Grace on December 06, 2014, 02:52:41 PM
Hey there, welcome to the forum. It can be especially hard for trans people living in morally harsh countries. It's good to know HRT is a possibility. You said you told some family members, how did they react?
It was okay with my sister, not okay with my mom :( mom is strong in religion and tradition and believes that I need to fight it. Mom doesn't know that my beliefs are way différent than hers. (I'm closeted on that). I explained to her that this part of me I want to accept. 'But you're a boy' she would say. She told me that no matter what she still believes the things I say are wrong. One night when I couldn't stand the thought of my body getting manlier and I broke down in tears I went to my mom because I thought I needed to talk to someone but it was past 2am and mom was the only person I thought I could wake up and wouldn't mind it so I did. She lectured me on things I didn't really wanted to hear. About her views and what she would do if she were to expérience something similar. Mom didn't tell me but I kind of got the idéa that she wanted me to consider doing the same as well. Praying more etc. It was... painful? I just kept quiet.
I regretted telling mom T_T
Thanks for the welcomes, everyone!
Quote from: sqrkbkwmqko on December 09, 2014, 10:00:17 AM
It was okay with my sister, not okay with my mom :( mom is strong in religion and tradition and believes that I need to fight it. Mom doesn't know that my beliefs are way différent than hers. (I'm closeted on that). I explained to her that this part of me I want to accept. 'But you're a boy' she would say. She told me that no matter what she still believes the things I say are wrong. One night when I couldn't stand the thought of my body getting manlier and I broke down in tears I went to my mom because I thought I needed to talk to someone but it was past 2am and mom was the only person I thought I could wake up and wouldn't mind it so I did. She lectured me on things I didn't really wanted to hear. About her views and what she would do if she were to expérience something similar. Mom didn't tell me but I kind of got the idéa that she wanted me to consider doing the same as well. Praying more etc. It was... painful? I just kept quiet.
I regretted telling mom T_T
Thanks for the welcomes, everyone!
I understand the whole religious family thing. When my brother came out as gay, my aunt and uncle lectured him for hours about how "wrong" it was, and how he should pray and all of that stuff. That's why I am seriously concerned that my relatives don't find out, they see transgender as far worse than being gay.
I'm sorry that your mom doesn't support you.
One of my sisters was the exact opposite and I was surprised. "Oh its so good you aren't gay because you'd be doomed to hell" Uh hello I like girls that makes me gay too. I also tried to mention that in many ways I would be better off being a gay male than a trans lesbian as I could just go out and be gay instead of having to transition. She didn't understand at all.
Quote from: Electric Fuzzball on December 11, 2014, 12:24:48 PM
I understand the whole religious family thing. When my brother came out as gay, my aunt and uncle lectured him for hours about how "wrong" it was, and how he should pray and all of that stuff. That's why I am seriously concerned that my relatives don't find out, they see transgender as far worse than being gay.
I'm sorry that your mom doesn't support you.
Hi sqrkbkwmqko, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm a Bostonian, so I had no trouble at all pronouncing your name! :laugh: Looking forward to seeing you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn