Sorry for the multiple posts but I had alt happen since I been gone... First I feel like the worst person ever for what I am about to do
to my family, In January or March I am leaving all of them.... my wife, our three month old daughter, my parents grand parents,
aunts and uncles and cousins, her family also, I love them all deeply, but there all never gonna accept or let me transition, I know I am 30, but they hold to much sway over me, we all live on the same private road(in separate houses) there are all devout Christians, the only ones that know about me being trans are my wife and mother. They think transitioning would make me a bad parent, I wonder what there gonna think when I disappear? The truth is, my wife is never gonna leave her family nor has any desire to leave this small town where everbody knows you your business, and if you not in the circle youre treated as such, I HATE this town and the people in it.
I am adopted, and didn't know I was until I was 18, but my extended family treated me different the the other cousins, my moms family in new jersey treated me the same way, I wasn't blood, we ll know blood runs deeper than water... I wasn't biased, I was an innocent kid, yet at an early age I knew I was treated different. I cat blame her she married a man, I cant blame her for not wanting to move, I love her parents and siblings, they have been great to me. My parents I love them, I love all of my family, the did change over time, except my uncle he hates me for some reason, he told my wife once she deserved better. I had been so down and out determined not to transition and it was eating me alive, my wife told meonce she would never let my daughter see me if I transitioned, se knows I am depressed all the time, she wot even let me dress up which she had been letting me do and participating in, because if I did everyonce in a while like every 3 months, it kinda helped me cope, it was a double edged sword though, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Looking in the mirror I realized it wasn't about the clothes, never was, it was a coping mechanism, and seeing a muscled tattooed guy wearing womens clothes made me feel worse. I always knew I wanted to be a girl and crossdressing was as close a I could get. It was never just about sexual release, I did have sex dressed several times, I hated having sex as a man, now I don't even have sex, I don't like it as a man. The point is I am know where it leads if I stay, I know if I transition here it leads to being a complete outcast here,, put it this way, maybe 1000 people in this town maybe, its more like 300 to 500 hundred probably,its like two miles from one side of town to the other one gas station slash grocery store and like 15 churches. Don't get me wrong I am a Christian( I never said a good one >:-)I just understand the difference between a choice and a birth defect. I cant stay and transition, nor can I b a parent for my daughter, it sucks but she shouldn't have to suffer because of me. I been thinking for years about this, also just because one can do something does not mean one should.... I been trying to live that, for 5 years. I got feverish about it the last several months(like 10 11 months) I purged and again threw myself into my work hard, If I am always working it wont hurt as much....I can focus on making money right....wrong, she screemed in my head, she wont be silenced, her voice is strong. I tried my whole life to live s my family wanted, tried to be the good husband, It hit me, how good of a parent, am I gonna be if I am miserable, my focus should be on my child, I cant help it, I know if I transitioned she would be fine, I can teach her ot to judge, to work hard, to treat others good. I was so naïve, to think I could transition and keep her and my wife. I came to this decision because of family, I know they were taught black and white, up and down, left and right, theres not supposed to be a grey area... I know its easier to hate, to move on. I know they will never be okay with me changing, I thought I was okay with not changing. I was wrong, God forgive me for marrying her, for not knowing it was something I could not change. I know I cant see the looks of disgust if I stay from the people I love, or despair, or judgement. The Bible says do not judge, for that is for the lord to save or condemn. How many of us do that. How many reading this think I am crap for leaving? atleast I am waiting til after Christmas. Right? I know they all love my daughter, they all make good money, they all including me have been blessed when it comes to money and things.
Her family and mine are close, she will be taken care of. y wife will be happy again, she is pretty and 24 years old She will find a MAN... She is hard headed as hell and wont settle for a bad person after me, How much more despicable can you get. I am halfway doing it out of love, I know what my duahters life would be if I stay, ridicule. She is only 3 months so she wont ever know me, I cry as I am typing this, I am losing my life, my wife that I love so much, I love her more than life. But she deserves a man, I want her to be happy, I know she wont be happy if I am not. I love my child, I just want her to have a normal lif without having to answer why her daddy is a woman. People are just not ready for transgeder yet. a set of misfortunate events... Can what I am doing ever be seen as an act of love? I don't want to be unhappy anymore, yet I a unhappy of what has to transpire*. (bad pun not intended) It seems I am trading one sadness for another. I just try and take solice knowing my daughter will be loved and my wife will find happiness. So here I stand at the edge of a bridge over an abyss that I pored gasoline on and I am holding the matches, do I burn it? I am about 80% shure I have to, my disphoria is worse, I know I have to get better. I hope one day my daughter will understand. Im not saying its right, I don't know if its wrong either, I find myself in a grey area yet again. I just know for me its transition or else now and In order for me to do it I have to leave this life behind. I don know y where I am moving but I amslowly moving important papers and possession a little at a timeto a storage facility out of town. Thanks for listening and I wont get upset if I get bad comments, I deserve them...
Honey,
Any chance you can spit the post into paragraphs so it is easier to read?
Thanks
Cindy
Sorry I fixed it, thanks
Honey,
You don't deserve any bad comments.
We are who we are.
Thanks, I am guilty of trying to justify this to myself, I just need to know I am not screwing my family completely.
Like in the matrix, I know the answer, I am just trying to understand it.
Quote from: Hanazono on December 05, 2014, 06:19:44 AM
when we're parents we have a duty of care to the innocent child we bring into the world
I agree 100%, that's my point of this, I make good money, My family does also, even if I do leave, which is a big probability, I will be sending money to my wife for her, There might be shared custody, but if it involves a court battle no, its the south, all she has to do is say he wants to be she and no court in the south would give me any kinda of split custody. If I don't do something about my disphoria, I will not be around to provide anything, period.
I would sacrifice anything for my daughter, including not seeing her.... I know she will be taken care of and I know there is more than a financial responsiblity, but I am between a rock and a hard place. If my depression gets worse I don't know what ill do. I have ptsd from combat also, so the ability to cope with stress is already compromised if not gone. I would nevr consider leaving unless it meant her being better off with a step dad who wasn't transgender, and if my family didn't have gobs of money also. She shouldn't have to grow up being ridiculed for her daddy being trans. And if it were a perfect world my wife could look past the way I look, id like to think you fall in love with someones soul and personality rather than looks, but she is not lesbian and I don't expect her to become one for me, this conversationhas been had 1000 times between us. and in a perfect world being trans would not matter and has nothing to do with being a good parent. I love my daughter, but I know that transition is an inevitability for me, so I jut want to spare her and my family from it.
Christy,
I know where you are coming from. I'm even older with a 16 yo son. I've told my wife if things don't change, I probably won't survive the year, just due to pressure and stress, NEVER at my own hand. That said, once I begin hrt one of us will have to move and I'd probably let her keep the house so as not to disrupt my sons life even more. She wanted me to move out earlier this year, but if I do that financially we're screwed. The one thing I will not do though is desert the family unless she asks me to. Once I begin transition, I know either she'll ask me to move or she will. Knowing that transition is the only way to possibly save my own life and hope for a reconciliation with the family, i.e. my son, either way it is not me who deserted, its doing what one needs to do to survive, and if happiness is found, even better.
My point - don't walk out, only if asked to leave. Not your decision, but hers.
Wish I could give you a big hug.
At the moment I had to cut off one of my sisters completely because every time we talked things only got worse. I'm still hoping she'll change her mind about me some day. I have another sister that is married to a man that once told me that we should stone all the gays. She is having a difficult time with it. She just had a baby and considers me a threat to her baby, but we're talking on decent terms. I hope both will accept me some day. I haven't counted out either of them yet. Fortunately I still have my parents and one of my sisters who openly accept me for who I am. I don't know what's going to happen, but I don't want to force two of my sisters out of my life permanently without giving them a chance (or a second chance in my older sister's case).
While I haven't had SRS yet, I've learned from youtube that there is nothing worse than facing completely SRS alone. I'm glad I have support for this in the future. I hope to get everyone on board, but this is my current situation.
I want to hug you I am so sorry for what your going through, how is living as yourself a risk to a baby? I myself have family that mostly
hates lgbt, I have heard comments like ->-bleeped-<-, sissy, and those ->-bleeped-<-s are going to hell. Its upsetting and it was said in my company because I am seen as
this lofty view of masculinity by my family and people that know me, combat veteran, biker, mma fighter, if they knew the truth.... I do doubt anyone would try and do anything to me though, whats weird is inside I am sensitive giry girl and outsid I seriousy doubt there is any normal person that could beat me up, (not bragging I actually hate this perception) For instance my wife had an ex that threatened to kick my ass over facebook and I told him to bring it and meet me, well he did and so did like 4 of his friends, I was able to separate them and deal with him and I hit him once and they decided I wasn't foolin around, so they left. But my point being is knowing what people think of me and people aso think I am the nicest guy they ever met, I hate fighting for the sake of fighting, I like competing because it helps with confidence and it kinda spiritual for me in a way, like discovering what I am made of, point being that people know I bend backwards to help others in need and they also know I can defend myself, but I don't lose my temper and I never fight out of anger, maybe out of principle and honor.
And I know that I could be a great parent for my daughter and teach her things, that transness is not a weakness for those of us that survive it we can teach life lessons on integrity and courage. I just spent the last two years trying to figure out what to do with this situation, and asI said I repeated in my mind daily for the last 6 years just because I can does not mean I should thinking I can beat this. And I logically looked at the simplest outcome that's possible(Occam's razor) and I secretly brought up news items and latest cultural happenings to different family members, albeit few and far apart to see there opinion on the subject, and lets just say the words hell, ->-bleeped-<-, sissy, and the such were used a lot. (not toward me) I had to look at it as a survivor, what do I do to live? I have heard that being trans is a tornado, tht it levels everything in ones life and it makes sense, we are becoming a new person to the world and even though we knew ourselves for a lifetime, the world does not and that new person has to be hazed, its unfortunate that its this way and that to be that new person requires a sacrifice to the transgender gods of our old selves, including family most of the time. It doesn't mean that the new person cant regain them eventually, acceptance takes time. I just know my family will never accept it, I know them all to well, my whole family literally has lived the same land for the last 200 years. So its not gonna happen. So for my safety and my daughters I am leaving this place for Christy, because some of us reach a point where you know its your time, some cant understand this, some are lucky enough to have not had to make the hardest descision, to leave your old life. completely. I just think some of us have to do this also maybe so our families see how serious we are. I dunno but it sucks all the way around and its a ->-bleeped-<- sandwich and it doesn't matter how or where you bite it your gonna get ->-bleeped-<- in your mouth. lol (sorry that's the old nco coming out in me.)
???
Well some weird things have been happening here lately between me and my wife, and I have to say I am ....confused???? I had been trying for two years how awful I feel. How bad the depression is. Well every time I tried explaning to her the realities of this whole mess and what and why and all that, everytime we have ever talked in reference to me being transgender she has shut the conversation down, makes the conversation about her and not US, and tries to reason with me or more like manipulate the conversation more in her favor. Well for the past year I have kept it to myself just quietly suffering trying to find a reason to carry on. Well Friday she finally burst and pushed me so hard that I had to spill the beans. I told her in the new year maybe February or March I was going to leave... Also I explained that I wanted her to be able to find her happiness and that it should not be dependent on me and that her being young and attractive could find any body she wanted, and that she can be happy with out me... And that she shouldn't waste her life away hopin I wouldn't transition, or worse yet I transition and she stays and is miserable with her life because of me. I love her so much I want her to be happy. Even ifit means with someone else ... I explained that an how I would want to move but be close enough to see my daughter when I am home... I am a truck driver... And I emphasized it wasn't her that I was trying to spare her from me and my problems.... Well she has kinda turned 100 degrees, not 180 but a little more that 90.. I would rather live and love you a a woman than lose you...Her words to me. We talked all night, she knows I wake up at night with panic attacks, and I have bad sleep problems I think that stem from a life of not dealing with "it". She said I know I will not be okay for a little while but you sacrificed so much your whole life, you love and treat me so good, I know if I can see you happy that it will rub off on me and I will be happy on the otherside. Well on Saturday she flipped back again and was mad and crying all day, and just gave me hell for wanting to transition, for taking myself away from her, and we argued and argued, well same thing sunday. Well today I had a therapy session and it went well and I tried again because I will fight for her til I am blue in the face. And explained things maybe a little better, and we talked again all day decently and she wants me to do it again.... I had my hopes up once and smashed, and know I am cautiously optimistic that she sees that the only thing that is gonna change is my gender and not who I am. I really could care less about leaving my parents and my family. Lets say that I wasn't treated like blood, and I have a lot of resentment in that regard. I did care about and do care about my wife although when I first posted this thread I was in a darker place and didn't care anymore, or so I thought, now I have some hope, and I guess that's all I need sometimes is a little hope.... I will keep this thread updated with news and hopefully there is hope for all of us with s.o that are just as much victims of gid as we are....
Okay quick up to minute update, my wife has completely accepted it, and even told her parents.... holy f&^% SH&t yeah, hfs!!!!
Holy transgender batman! Yeah she dropped the t bomb, like the t bomb.... Little bit about my inlaws, I love them a lot, they really love me. I just never thought in a million years a conservative, deeply conservative Christian family like ours on her side would ever accept it . well they did, And I think it helpd my wife a lot, like maybe it was half her problem is what would her family think. Well I just got off the phone with them and they love and support me. So wow guess Christy is coming to town. I am still going to ease into it as slow as possible from maleish clothing to more neutral to me, and do so with the progression of hormones.... I love you all and thanks for your support,,, more to come
Oh Cristy, I am so happy for you. I pray all will go much more smoothly.
Hugs,
Christie, they may still flipflop a bit, be strong, and I don't mean "ready to bolt". They're having to deal with choosing between two things they want, keeping you there and staying in their comfort zone. It will take a while for them to get through it and settle. Just come back to us when it gets hard to deal.
Christy, I'm so happy for you! Your story brought tears to my eyes - literally - and few things do that.
I was once in your position: planning for years to leave my entire family and go off into the wilderness to transition because I thought they'd never accept me. Right before I did, I told them I was trans as one last step before leaving (figured they'd kick me out, and figured they'd find out anyway at some point in the future so I might as well dignify my departure with an explanation). To my utter surprise, they accepted it without question.
Sometimes, the people you think will have the worst reaction ever become your biggest allies.
Take it slow, give them time to adjust and figure out for themselves what it means - they'll need your help. It sounds like your wife and her family are absolutely amazing people and you're so lucky to have them, and they're lucky to have you (and they know it.) There may still be rough times ahead, but you're over the worst and came out the other side in one piece and with your family intact.
You are set, girl. Supportive wife, beautiful child, awesome in-laws, it's like a transgender Christmas where everything you could possibly want is right there under the tree.
Truly, genuinely happy that things worked out for you, and thank you so much for sharing such a positive story. It's things like this which make other families realize that it's okay to accept their transgender relatives.
Congratulations! :)
Quote from: Cristyjade30 on December 05, 2014, 04:07:48 AM
First I feel like the worst person ever for what I am about to do
to my family, In January or March I am leaving all of them.... my wife, our three month old daughter, my parents grand parents,
aunts and uncles and cousins, her family also, I love them all deeply, but there all never gonna accept or let me transition, I know I am 30, but they hold to much sway over me, we all live on the same private road(in separate houses) there are all devout Christians, the only ones that know about me being trans are my wife and mother. They think transitioning would make me a bad parent, I wonder what there gonna think when I disappear? The truth is, my wife is never gonna leave her family nor has any desire to leave this small town where everbody knows you your business, and if you not in the circle youre treated as such, I HATE this town and the people in it.
I'm going to try helping with this one.
Personally, I try not to assume how others will react to me being Trans. I'm a father and a brother (my parents have passed but I was once a son to them) and I couldn't think of anything worse than voluntarily walking away from them all. I'm the sort of person that's happy to show my hand and hope I win (um, I'm talking bout cards lol).
So I thought about all the people I want in my life. This included my four children, my brother and some friends. But before starting transition I asked myself, am I prepared to lose all of this, including my children? I answered yes, and so I decided to transition. Whilst I knew it would be difficult to come out to these people, I decided to not assume that I know how they would react. I had an educated guess, which helped me prepare my approach for each situation, but I really had no idea if they would stay or go.
I lost several friends, but hey, I was prepared for that. I may lose others, but it's not my choice, it's theirs, and that's totally fine.
What I'm saying is you have a child, whom I assume you love dearly. Your daughter needs a father in her life, even if dads a girl, it doesn't matter. Christian or not, I don't think it matters. i would think about things before walking awy from them all. It's kind of like giving up on something before you've given it a go.
Bree xx
Hi Christy, I am very happy your family is accepting.
I thought about your post all day and comment that you should give them a chance and not just leave assuming how they would react.
I am sorry to hear about the rollercoaster, but I am so thrilled this thread found its way to a happy place!
Thanks all, my wife said she is not going anywhere at all and I am xited, but like I told her it don't happen over night... I do hope it progresses quickly though as I am tired of wearing a Michael suit lol... But I am still gonna keep my escape plan on the back burner just in case it all goes to sh*t. I am a veteran and old habits die hard. keep my birth certificate, and pertinent items in my semi truck so I can just bolt. A girl has gotta be prepared. I just having hard time keeping myself at bay, like "she" is in charge now, I was so down and low, I just didn't know what to do, so I went to the therapist finally, told her what I told all of you, I didn't want to, I just know I don't want to be the reason for my wifes misery. And I KNOW she will be happy and find someone to love her like I do. As far as my daughter, we have talked and if it goes that way, then I am only going to move to Birmingham, so she can share her with me. She said no that she sees that it might be beneficial to our daughter fr her to learn not to judge others. Her family is doing goo with it to. I have always literally bent over to help them, and I have always treated Dawn like an angel. So there just happy if she is happy... I think part of my wife is scared of realizing sexuality issues with in herself, like she has been back and forth on liking it when I would dress up. She is still having a hard time with it all, and I expect some hard times ahead, but if she wants me to stay then I will until I see she just isn't going to get over it, or she wants me gone... I will be fine either way, and while I know I love her deeply, I will be at peace with it knowing I gave my full measure in our relationship... That's how I finally came to peace with transition, I gave being male a 100% effort, I know that transition is right for me now. I didn't fail at being male, so to say, I just made sure that I did things and sought every other avenue before hand, frm religious counsel, to full on psychiatric evaluation. She knows I was miserable and needed this. I cant go back to that state of mind. have to ask yaw, when you finally were determined to transition and knew you were going to do it no mattr what, did you feel some relief from the depression? Like when Dawn told me she wanted me to do it, and she would figure out how to deal with it and see how she feels along the way, I literally felt like some weight was lifted off my soul... Its hard to explain.. Any way love you all and thanks for your suppor..
FWIW, my wife turned out to be pretty "heteroflexible" in the end. We're all good. Turns out I'm an "anything goes" kinda girl anyway. Sometimes we even talk about cute guys together now. It's fun.
The T-bomb takes everyone time to process, and I'm glad I never burned a single bridge. I was prepared to do that at first and almost did, but I'm so glad I didn't. A lot of people came back after they processed it all, and now some of my biggest doubters and people who initially shat upon me are my biggest supporters.
Sometimes they "get it" when they see you truly happy for the first time and suddenly like being around you more.
Hugs,
Jill
Thanks, I hope so... I am just having trouble holding "her" back. been holding her back for 30 years and its hard, I guess a few more months wont kill me lol. But I appreciate all the support. I been a member here for a little while and everyone has always been so nice to me and answered an questions I had along the way. been trying to get her to get on the s.o forum,but she is hesitant... I try not to rush her though and a little at a time..
I'm just at the beginning of the road, but as a general principle, I suggest trying to be as patient as you can. It sounds like your wife and family love you and want you to stay, and that is something extremely valuable. I totally understand wanting things to move along, it's what I'm feeling more than anything myself (except maybe for anxiety about telling my own family). But if you think you can, moving things slowly sounds like it will help your family, and especially your wife, adapt. That is worth a lot, and maybe if you focus on your future *together with your family*, you can find the strength to be patient.
I'm just at the beginning of the road, but as a general principle, I suggest trying to be as patient as you can. It sounds like your wife and family love you and want you to stay, and that is something extremely valuable. I totally understand wanting things to move along, it's what I'm feeling more than anything myself (except maybe for anxiety about telling my own family). But if you think you can, moving things slowly sounds like it will help your family, and especially your wife, adapt. That is worth a lot, and maybe if you focus on your future *together with your family*, you can find the strength to be patient."
Thanks Jeni
There is a lot of back story on my parents and extended family to wear I have a tendency to want to take hormones and work real hard till I am passable and hide it as much as possible til I am passable, then dress to the nines and give them two middle fingers on the way out of their lives..But I digress, her family in seven years has treated me better than my own family has ever treated me, and I end up at there house for holidays and gatherings. My mother I told right before my daughter was born and she half flipped and half supported me in a your not gong to make a good parent but I will always love you and you an always come to me kind of way...I was thinkin really I am not going to be a good parent after all that's like the pot calling the kettle black. My dad has always been steadfast and while I feel I had my share of beatings for what ever reason he was pretty fair except when my mother was at her maniacal best, she would tell him I had done things that I didn't and when he got home I would get the belt, that wet on for years not every day but at least three times a week. It turned out she got better with treatment and that she had bi polar disorder. And she is mostly loving as long as she doesn't forget her meds lol. But I was adopted and the rest of the family never really treated me as "blood". We all lived on the same road, still do, on privately owned land and even though I didn't know I was adopted I knew I was treated differently than my cousins and I have resentment towards a lot of them, so I in part when I originally wrote this I was already in a bad way with depression and when I am like that all that resentment comes roaring back and I know that's why I was ready to leave, her family it actually bothered me, the thought of leaving all of them just doesn't ring in my head, I just thought logically that they would never support their son in law changing and that I would be seen as bad for doing that to there daughter. Well I was wrong... I cant say I have never been more happy to be proved wrong. We are probably going to find a house to move into together in January and I am selling my current house and my in laws are going to split the payments with me, so If I get a reasonable deal I know it will be cheap enough for me to transition still and have a nice place to live away from my family. So that's pretty ass backwards from what you usually hear about in laws, but that's it I have always like them a lot more than my family and when me and my wife first got together we lived with them for a year before I bought my house and moved out. So it will be nice to spend more time with them again. again sorry for the long posts, I just felt a little back story was in order as to why I tend to want to tell my family where to go... I swear there should be a law against posting drunk, or emotionally unstable lol, I would fit one or the other depending on what day of the week it was lol, but I feel some of the pressure I was feeling is gone now, and I can breathe again. I see and I knew that I was at peace with transition, I guess all the depression was coming from the thought of losing loved ones in the process... Thanks all and I will keep everyone updated as to what progress is made and I still have to have sit down with my in laws in person.