Hey, all!
It's been a bit since I've posted. I've been in a period where I've tried to avoid my TG issues, not very ably, though. It comes out. Being hyperintellectual, which is a typical avoidance and emotion-binder for me.
I was a gender-atypical child, and worked REALLY hard to blend in. It took me til high school to be able to. So, the rest of my life has been essentially hiding, disguising, so that other's won't read me (as what?). I've always dreamed of being female, always wanted that. But I'm not. I've never identified as male, though. Not ever. Issues of shame, self-hatred, body dysphoria are the hallmarks of my internal life, with reflections on how my life has gone.
It's clear that I'm dragging my feet on having an external expression of being TG. Dressing hasn't done that much for me. I dress as more a feminine man, and started wearing jewelry. The TG bar scene is OK. I like my fellow TGs, but bars are like, meh.
So, in therapy, the issue gets raised, that perhaps one reason I'm dragging my feet is the internalized transphobia, the internalized self-hatred, and less issues that are real. That in avoiding being more "out", I'm continuing my self-traumatization. A point. I agree. But at the same time, it is difficult to decide on what path is the correct one. The world is as it is, and there are consequences to actions. Though, I consider myself incredibly lucky in so many respects. I suspect that if I transition, I will do well in the world, despite a degree of marginalization that would occur. Desires are endless, and it isn't a good idea to chase after all of them. It was pointed out to me that I am capable of doing nothing about being TG. That I can continue on with life as it is. But then, I should expect that my life will be as it has been. Bleh! So, I've been working on changing myself internally, but that only goes so far in it's effectiveness.
It is so hard to figure out the right course of action. It doesn't seem like it is a logical problem. It feels like an emotional puzzle, in which all the pieces aren't apparent yet. Sigh.
I do appreciate your feedback and thoughts/feelings/reactions.
Namaste, Tara
I want to say something, a word or three of encourage went but I really do not know what to say; I think you have the right basic idea and a pretty good outlook. Yes we do some pretty outrageous things to hide from this, but identifying that seems to do a wold of good, I think. At least, in my case, I no longer hurt as I did. However, I would like to comment that internal change is limitless, so I think you are probably selling yourself a 'bit' short there.
For the correct course, generally speaking I find listening to yourself, your heart to be a very sane course of action all things considered. This said, find a quiet place and go for a walk in nature; (I guess a city would work but the last thing a city is is quiet); Listen to yourself, odds are you already know what course to take, you need but realize which.
So, *cheer, hug* and a general word of encouragement.
(=
In general. I found that exercise seems to help me "think". Music or nature sounds are great. A cup of tea will help me concentrate.
You can try the long nature walk thing. Puts things in a new perspective. Great for a paradigm shift. I do that and its great. But I live a couple of miles from a state park with hiking trails.
You can try putting on headphones closing your eyes and letting your mind drift. I did that when I was in my teens & early 20's.
Get a dance pad and dance till you drop.
Doing laps in a pool might be good.
Jogging?
How about learning to meditate? I've heard tons of good things about meditating.
I owned a spa (hot tub) once. OMG! That was great for thinking. ....as long as you are alone. You can claim the $3K cost of a spa as a health expense or even have your insurance company pay for it :p
There are no correct paths in life. Life is just... life. You're not obligated to anything, to anyone. Not even yourself.
Too many people place themselves underneath what they percieve society's views to be. This can and will cause you to deviate further and further from who you really are. There is no secret cure to being happy. As much as this site pushes HRT, SRS, and the importance of passing, I've found that none of those things are important to me.
Just be who you are and do what you feel like doing. That's all anyone can really do for themselves. If you fall into the mindset that you must appeal to the whims of others you will only become more of someone you are not.
Who are you? You are a person, and you don't have to be a different one to be happy.