This is a topic I'm quite curious on and I don't see covered much. I am personally quite a coward specially when it comes to transitioning. (I still present as male everywhere.) I'm not in accepting area and I'm still legally male due to state laws. How have you gained the courage to be out? I'm curious because my therapist has high standards for me to do stuff that can possibly end up with me being in bad shape.
I've seen a few people just do it bravely and not care of others opinions. I don't see how they do it, I care too much about being accepted in society. I'm also terrified of employment discrimination because of the things I've seen and how my family still treats me. My passing skill is basically non-existent. So I at least want courage, but unfortunately I don't know where to start for courage. Sorry if this is the wrong place.
I definitely feel weak and helpless when it comes to my transition. I am quite young 19 (in a technical college that says I can be myself shocking for it being TN.) I've also grown terrified of people in general due to dysphoria being so severe (I rarely speak to my family even though I live with them.) I abandoned thanksgiving but I shall not be able to do such for the rest of the holidays.
Sorry this seems like a rant but I just wanna know how everyone gets the courage to be free or go full time.
My therapist hasn't helped much with this.
Feel the fear, and do it anyway. :)
I simply overcome it by doing it. I was terrified when I first went out as myself, all female. I thought the world would stare at me. Turned out, that it's not that difficult. I noticed that most people are so self-absorbed that they mind their own business and don't look, let alone stare at people. First time I got a couple of stares, but it was manageable. I live in a busy city, so a lot of people saw me.
In 5 years time, I was being called a transsexual, ->-bleeped-<- and the other T word 3 times. All of which happened in the 1st year. Which was the worst, because I was clueless about clothes, hair, makeup and looked incredibly slutty and immature. But I heard that many go through such a phase...
Courage, yeah, I guess if you just do it, courage will grow on you. Later on you'll also learn to have a thicker skin, and be less sensitive about what people say or think. One thing to keep in mind, which helped me a lot is to remember that nobody really cares what you do, wear, or own. Everyone thinks they are the center of the universe, and when you know that, things become less scary because when you are nice to others, they will be nice to you. So part of it is attitude. Try not to be so quickly offended or hurt, when people judge you or say something about your gender, they probably aren't personal and can only see your outside presentation on which they will judge you. Take it as a gauge in how well you are progressing in passing. They will let you know, and one day they will address you they way you want them to. That is the reward for your hard work.
I wish you good luck in your journey, it will take effort, discipline, patience and dedication, but it will be worth it.
Thank you for the advice it makes me feel a bit better. I'm probably going to try one small step at a time. The main thing that scares me is makeup. Lol judgement is a very strong thing in my family so it has caused me to have a lot of fear in the outside world (and employers haven't helped.) but thank you. Maybe this will help me stop hating myself too for failing.
Hi Skylar,
It's interesting you bring this up. Because I have always felt a need to be accepted in life, to fit in if you like. Yet the past six months has seen me put myself on the line, to fully expose to everyone who I am. This was to friends, family (including my young children) and on Friday, my entire team at work (140 people) - who mind you will advise through various means the other 1000 employees lol. I tell you, when I think about this it fills me with a level of excitement which is on the verge of fear, but I am mindfully trying to steer it in the direction I want it to go, which is joyful excitement. The relief I felt on Friday was something I haven't felt before. And the support I received from so many, including my CEO who came to have a friendly chat with me over a glass of wine.
So what's changed in the last six months for me to make me risk 'being accepted' in life? I really think it's simple, I decided to pursue who I know I am, and unless I was to do what I've done for 36 years, which is hide who I am, I just had to take a few risks.
But before I started transition, I asked myself a simple question: Am I prepared to lose my friends, family - including my children and my job? If I had answered no to any of these, I would have decided against transition. So being clear in my mind front about the risk I was taking, and being prepared for any consequences that may come of it, has helped me a lot in moving forward. What has also helped me is to make sure I remain in control of the situation. By that I mean I have a plan, a very comprehensive one. I also don't rush things. I won't be full time at work until June next year. That may change but we'll see.
So I'm not sure it's courage I have, but more a solid understanding and foundation for who I am and who I am becoming, and how I'm going to get there.
Bree xxx
That's very impressive breezyb :3 I about fall over just telling one person and it has to be done over messaging. Lol I have aspergers which tends to add to my social anxiety. If I'm able to find a job (which I haven't yet.) I'm so fearful of things because of male identification too. >_< I'm qualified for IT which is a good paying thing but I believe professionalism is what's stopping me from getting a job (because of hair length.) my hair without the extensions is half way down my neck (about 1-1 1/2 inches from my shoulders.)
Yes, good question. I advise that baby steps can be a way to overcome fears when going out in girl mode. Chose an area where you will feel safe, make sure you can leave if and as soon as you need to. So, not a night club or bar or the like, but maybe a shopping mall or street - you don't even have to buy anything or interact with people. Just be in public for a few minutes, and if you start to feel comfortable a few minutes more and so on until you feel maybe you've had enough. Or you could go to see your therapist in girl mode. Presumably their staff are under instructions to treat you respectfully no matter what gender you present as. My first time out was to see my gender therapist...mind you that required that I walk to the train station through a busy mall and catch a train. Part of me expected failure and humiliation and yet it never came, no one hardly even looked at me. It was a good first go and gave me the courage to try a second and a third time. The second was with a group of trans women in public, wow was I petrified but again, success! The third time was extremely public at a friends art show launch - a lot of people. I saw the room full of people and came close to bailing I was so petrified but I knew that if I just turned around and went home I would hate myself and berate myself afterwards. So in I went. And ended up having a great evening... one where I did a lot of speaking and had dinner and so on. So it was steps, increasing the complexity and risk - I could never have done the third night on the first time. Don't start with the hardest thing first but don't stay in the kiddy pool any longer than you have to. :)
Quote from: Skylar105 on December 06, 2014, 07:35:08 PM
That's very impressive breezyb :3 I about fall over just telling one person and it has to be done over messaging. Lol I have aspergers which tends to add to my social anxiety. If I'm able to find a job (which I haven't yet.) I'm so fearful of things because of male identification too. >_< I'm qualified for IT which is a good paying thing but I believe professionalism is what's stopping me from getting a job (because of hair length.) my hair without the extensions is half way down my neck (about 1-1 1/2 inches from my shoulders.)
Don't worry I think there's things you can do with long hair if you still want to present as male. And by the way, I work as a Business Analyst in a large IT department, so don't worry too much about the fact you need to work in an office. Beleive me I think it would be a lot easier that the other work locations in my industry, like a grain silo in the middle of regional australia lol. But you'll be really surprised at how supportive companies will be nowadays. but as Grace mentioned, baby steps are great. I see others jump straight into full time, and great for them, but it wasn't for me. I needed a clear plan and time to get everything in order. My first outing is New Years Eve, but it's a safe place, a gay bar and they have a huge party so really looking forward to it. Apart from that I haven't ventured out in full girl mode. I wear female clothes, but there androgynous and are just about making me feel comfortable.
It is an interesting question.
I've reviewed my changes recently when I was asked some very pertinent questions by a new staff member.
I had to admit I enjoyed bringing back the feelings, fears, hope, shock etc from about three years ago.
At that time I told my staff on a Friday afternoon that I was trans and would be transitioning into my female life. On the Monday I remember waiting at the pedestrian lights to cross the road to work with the breeze blowing on my legs, yep, Cindy was arriving to work in a skirt and blouse.
The actual doing it was easy. The people I work with were awesome. The people I didn't know didn't care and honestly nobody in any shop, pub, public place anywhere has ever insulted me as a transwoman. People really don't seem to care.
How did I get to the place in my brain that I could do it?
It was about six months previously, I was so terrified of going FT, I had so much to lose, then I woke up one morning with another hangover and another empty whisky bottle on the bed. I knew why I was a drunk, I knew I was hiding my pain. I knew it was killing me - death by fear.
I decided I had to stop being frightened. It was not courage that drove me, it was fear.
OK, Grace, Bree and I are Australians, and Australia seem to be very accepting but the fear is the same.
Actually, a few other things to keep in mind when you go out in public...
- most people are more interested in themselves and their own problems rather than you
- most people are more interested in their smart phones, iPads, electronic gizmos than anything else
- learn to walk confidently and look like you HAVE A RIGHT to be there, look scared or unconfident and people immediately think you're up to no good
- when in doubt, smile.
This is helpful to me too. Courage is definitely a big problem for me. the only thing I've learned so far for me is to trust my heart over my brain. my brain usually over thinks every thing which only makes it worse raising my paranoia and anxiety.... i started thinking about things way in advance, but as it came closer i just dropped it and went with my heart. it was odd that when i went female mode to my therapist that i had like zero anxiety the whole time going there. i just was like this is who i am, i planned this out lets do this.
I can relate to the fear issue. I go out on Thursday afternoon. I go to my therapist, gym (LGBT) and then group. All the locations are in 12th street from Locust to Market streets about 5 blocks ( the center of the gayborhood). I started in the summer. I wore sunglasses when on the street and they helped a lot, I do not know why. My first few times I had on 511 Levis and a top. Now I wear straight leg female jeans and a top. Next is my fitted stylish down coat which I will get in 20 days. I also go into places like a WAWA convenience store or Starbucks.
I do not dress slutty. I will add some light makeup soon :)
I will be expanding my presentation in time, I take small steps. Go slow and expand slowly.
I have found people do not care, at least in the gayborhood and in convenience stores.
The first time I was dressed I was going from the gym to group, 5 blocks away. Half way there were 5 or 6 drunk homeless guys (older) on a corner. One guy came up to me on my left side and started shouting and pointing at me. He was shouting you are xxxxxxx nuts. I stopped, turned my head and looked at him. I kept looking at him for 10 seconds then he became quiet and backed up to the wall of a building and I went on my way. If felt so good to stand my ground. As I was walking away I felt so good about myself.
Another incident, I was early to group and I was standing on Market street killing some time and looking at people. A homeless guy come right up to my face, we stared at each other and he says I am not going to rob you. I am hungry, can you help. I always keep 2 dollars in my left pocket. I reached in and gave it to him while maintaining eye contact. He said thanks and left. Why did he come up to me? Did he think I am an easy target or someone who he knew would help?
Work
I am meeting with HR to review my plan. They have known I am Trans for 2 years. I was contacted by them (senior HR person) the day after I spoke with benefits and the Aetna plan coordinator to know what was needed to access benefits for trans surgeries and procedures. The more costly procedures require RLE. So, the work dress and disclosure issue and time line will be discussed.
Funny thing, I really like how I look and feel expressing. I forget what I am wearing and I am myself. It feels good.
I suggest to go slow and find places that are accepting. Then be yourself.
@ Ms.Grace - I still need to get involved with the trans community. (Still can't get there currently.) I think it would help. I'm also never up to good on other note lol. I'm always plotting evil xD. :3
@ Cindy - I would say all the people are awesome where I go. In my class a lot are accepting but there are a few stereotype Americans (I mean the stereotype for a country person.) I don't wanna describe it too much because it may offend a few. He just isn't the brightest bulb or have a light in the bulb period. Lol
@BreezyB - I hope so because people care so much about professionalism here that it's crazy. Basically they are at the point they don't care if you can do the job long as you can look the part. Lol
@Lost in L - It's kind of funny I can barely use my female voice with my therapist much less dress. My therapist is a online therapist too. Lol my social phobia has been damaged quite bad by my family. So it's generally why I'm terrified of people.
@Cynthia Michelle - That's a very interesting story :3 good advice too. I've been trying to get to a perpetual transition meeting (but it's in a bad area and I've been banned yes banned.) lol by my grandmother which owns my car. So getting to such a place would be difficult as it's a hour or two away. I mean I've been told by student services I can do whatever considering I'm protected federally. But with the people that are there it can end up being dangerous I also start to wonder if my therapist is trying to get me killed. >_>
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
When I first started taking on the trans-beast for real six years ago it was in rural West Virginia, about halfway between Pittsburgh and DC. Not total hick but far from the NYC area where I grew up and lived till then. Fear comes from not knowing, not being in total control, it comes from lack of faith in yourself, your feelings, your abilities.
My nearest support of any sort was a group 90 miles away. Better then the other 60 or so to get to a big city. There were others like me, at one time almost exactly where I was. I learned taking any step isn't a question of having the courage, or being brave enough. It really came down to "Which PAIN is worse?"
We are all pretty clumsy and awkward at first being out in the real world as the real us. It is expected. It isn't like you spent your whole life living that way, just a few minutes. Going to a support group presenting is good practice. Going out w/supportive friends is a good way to overcome fears. Always remember You Are Not Alone. My first daylight public outing was to my therapist. Even a safe space like that I anguished for weeks over. Mostly because I was afraid of where that one step will lead me closer towards. One more excuse lost. As it turned out, one excuse was lost. Totally blown away by lunch time with the required "walk around the mall" where no one paid one bit of attention to me. The Earth did not swallow me up. My wig was not singed by a direct lightning strike. Fear eventually gave way to the euphoria of being out in the real world as the real me. In time came me achieving my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.
After that it got better. As most things do with practice.
I still harbor plenty of fears. Uncertainty is the biggest. I still live as and present male due to other life circumstances. I don't know if it is just I "want to", or "need to" go back to a life part-time or even full-time. All I know is right now is not the right time. Which buys me time to know when I come to the fork in the road, I'll choose wisely with no regrets.
JoanneB - I'm not really able to have faith in anything so it tends to be difficult to even trust myself due to my own perception of myself is worse than it really is. According to a few different people. Which makes me feel better to some extent. Appearance is definitely my weak point over anything and lack of confidence in such. It's kind of ironic when my therapist made mention of the same problem but she put me down in a subtle way due to my appearance.
But your story was definitely interesting to me and I'm glad to have all of you to offer advice in these things. I really do appreciate it.
It is not like the thoughts of others don't matter or sometimes hurt. I wouldn't call it courage either but rather determination. You want something so you have to pull trough. The pace depending on how badly you want it.
@kirey that's a interesting point of view. :3 I know how the feeling of others can hurt, and unfortunately knowing that today is registration for school today I know the lady is going to misgender me on purpose (because she's ignorant.) I could report it to the school services but usually they don't do much. I'm trying to figure out how to prepare myself for it. (Appearance is my weakest spot as I'm sure it is with some others.) when I'm misgendered as such it makes me feel like crap for days. But I do understand the emotional part too well. :3 misgendering is the main reason why I don't live much anymore because I got so tired of it.
How aboutttt, you wear what makes you feel comfortable instead of what you think you have to wear to pass? It is a shame but no one passes from one day to another. We all gotten that stage where people simply don't know. Judging from your picture (is that a wit though?) you look fine, but insecure people wil get picked on not caring whether they are trans, bi, different race than majority, big, small, etc.
Might sounds cheesy but just be you. Everyone is unique and weird in their own way but the more you think everyone else is normal and you really stand out, the more everyone else looks at you in such a way. If you feel there is nothing to be embarassed about then comments wont hurt you as much either. Sure, in my case it hurts when people laugh or laughed but how are they 'better' than me, in such a way that I am laughable or there to make fun of? Such people are trash you don't want to get to know anyway, you are better than that.
Rambling and can't edit text very well on my iPad x_x.
Haha it's my hair :3 the extensions are fake (my hair is about 1-1 1/2 inches from my shoulders.) and it's a bit difficult due to no income and the southern community is a bad problem. (No acceptance.) But I do appreciate the compliment it really helps me so thank you. :3 I wouldn't mind as much with the passing part other than the lack of so makes me feel like a failure. (It's bad to look at it that way I know.) more so than passing I have more of a problem with the pronouns people use regardless of what I say. :3
But you don't pass then? Do you know or have a feeling of why you think you don't pass?
Well some things I can possibly think off of the top of my head is my hair length isn't long enough yet without extensions, my other face angle is bad (pretty masculine), voice sometimes cracks (given.), and when I wear male clothes in public to avoid rude people. I usually wear a female polo to school (sometimes it has a guys dress shirt unbuttoned over it.) So there are a good bit of reasons for me not to pass. It'll get better when my hair gets longer and I get more brave. (I don't get to use makeup at all.)
I've always been concerned with my face structure though. Which I have some okay features I suppose that aren't like hyper masculine. I don't have much support here although the school did handle my problem in regards to being misgendered on purpose by the one woman. (She wouldn't ever mention gender until I came up.)
I thought I was in a non accepting area. I thought living in Alabama meant certain doom. However turns out that Huntsville Alabama isn't really Alabama. Almost everyone I know here has been super accepting of me.
I actually lucked out in the coming out department. I used to change into my female clothes after 8:00pm with all the windows closed. One day I came downstairs and after a while realized I forgot to close my windows. I don't know if anyone saw me or not, but there was certainly a lot of potential. I was going to close the windows but I said screw it. The next day I worked up the courage to wear a denim skirt in public while walking my dog. The idea was that people might see it as shorts and not a skirt. I have no idea who saw what, but people definitely saw me and no one treated me any differently.
I did the same thing the next day, but this time a teenager decided to be an ass about it. He pulled out his cellphone and recorded me just walking my dog. My dog was not impressed. She decided to go after him when he got too close. I pulled her back and apologized to him even though I heard what he said about me. He said something about me being a walmart freak. At that point I decided I could either let him dicate what he wanted about me to the neighborhood or I could do it myself. So I came out on the neighborhood facebook page. I got a lot of people immediately coming out in support of me. There was one guy I expected to be an ass who was an ass, but didn't make a big deal about it.
I've been out 100% of the time when I'm at home ever since. About a month later I came out at work. Things went even better at work. Coming out was also a huge relief. Now I'm on week 3 of HRT and starting today I get to take a 2nd dose in the evening in addition to my morning dose. I get to live my life as me and not worry about the way other people perceive me.
That's really awesome :3 I still live with unaccepting family currently. (No luck in finding a job ATM been searching though.) so I don't really have much freedom to be dressed as I please. I'm really impressed with your bravery :3 to be able to handle that teenager is impressive :3 if I can find a job that allows for my transition it would be fantastic.
But regardless if the job does or not I need the income lol. I wouldn't have as much of a problem if I can get by the income problem. :) I've been trying to get into the perpetual transition group. I'm typically a girl that does a lot better with someone else than just being alone through it. Lol
For me the easiest way to get comfortable going out was to start with really small steps.
I found it easiest on rainy days or winter days. For example:
Step 1: I was terrified someone would notice I was wearing a bra, so I hid it under a sweater and my jacket and went to the market to go shopping. (Those things take time to get used to!).
Step 2: Bought womens work shoes in black (simply seeing size 11 instead of 9 made me feel great).
Step 3: Going out with longer hair (I have curly dark brown hair). Except for very short, every other style gives off female. Nobody said anything to me. In fact a lot of girls look fantastic with short shoulder length hair, so I wouldnt worry too much about length.
Step 4: Visit or join a LGBT or trans group in person. It really makes a difference. Even if you have to go there in boy mode and change clothes in the washroom there. Its a safe place to be yourself!
etc... setting goals and timelines to do stuff can help too.
Skylar I wouldn't worry too much about long hair at work, as long as you can tie it back.
One transgirl in my city works at drug store near my home. She uses her female name at work but still presents male and has very long hair tied back. Another transgirl I know works at a market, she presents fulltime and is stealth. There is over 100 trans people in my city that I'm personally aware of. Probably way more. And my city has a population of about 500,000. My point is there is probably more trans people in your city then you might know.
I also recommend watching some trans docs on dvd or youtube. I know some of them are weird or badly done, but I found 2 which I like. Transgeneration and My Transsexual Summer. Both can be found on youtube. The first one is based in the US and the other in the UK. I liked My Transsexual Summer more because I found the people in that doc easier to relate to, maybe cause I'm from Canada? Both docs feature someone who is going to get SRS and someone who is just starting HRT or transition. The reason I recommend to watch them is that reading things on forums is great but seeing it can help too. especially if you dont get out much (correct me if i'm wrong). Watching others and/or knowing others who are going through the same thing us gives me courage.
Sorry if my post seems like it goes all over the place. I'm writing it on the go as I read the replies on this topic.
I really want to drive home the point that you are not alone. I'm sure anyone on this forum would be willing to talk to you day or night whenever you need advice.
On a side note, I know you live in the USA and I in Canada but I want to share with you a website for trans and LGBT people in my province. You can see just how many of us there are, even in low population areas.
http://transbc.ca/regions/
I hope any of this helps anyone reading this with courage. I still need it too! That's why I chose the name Valerie, it means strong, brave (valiant). :angel:
Thank you so much Valerie you have some very helpful advice! :) my womens shoe size is also an 11 (thankfully jean size is a 9). Lol I also don't know if my hair is quite long enough without extensions to be tied back. As my hair is about an inch above my shoulders (it looks kind of weird considering I have bangs lol.) My hair is sooo awful without being straightened (wavy and messy). Out of all the people that have been hateful towards me it managed to be my family mainly. They are such hateful people to the point I wanna scream.
For some of us its not about being brave, It's a matter of self preservation. Can't remember where I read it, but they compared it to running out of a burning building.
Most of my problems are income related lol. My family is really on the smite side of religion. I want freedom mainly but it's something I'm currently lacking and there isn't anyone in my family I can talk to. Lol it's like they locked the door to the burning building. (With me being inside).
Quote from: Valerie Rose on December 24, 2014, 12:31:26 AM
For me the easiest way to get comfortable going out was to start with really small steps.
I found it easiest on rainy days or winter days. For example:
Step 1: I was terrified someone would notice I was wearing a bra, so I hid it under a sweater and my jacket and went to the market to go shopping. (Those things take time to get used to!).
Step 2: Bought womens work shoes in black (simply seeing size 11 instead of 9 made me feel great).
Step 3: Going out with longer hair (I have curly dark brown hair). Except for very short, every other style gives off female. Nobody said anything to me. In fact a lot of girls look fantastic with short shoulder length hair, so I wouldnt worry too much about length.
Step 4: Visit or join a LGBT or trans group in person. It really makes a difference. Even if you have to go there in boy mode and change clothes in the washroom there. Its a safe place to be yourself!
etc... setting goals and timelines to do stuff can help too.
Skylar I wouldn't worry too much about long hair at work, as long as you can tie it back.
One transgirl in my city works at drug store near my home. She uses her female name at work but still presents male and has very long hair tied back. Another transgirl I know works at a market, she presents fulltime and is stealth. There is over 100 trans people in my city that I'm personally aware of. Probably way more. And my city has a population of about 500,000. My point is there is probably more trans people in your city then you might know.
I also recommend watching some trans docs on dvd or youtube. I know some of them are weird or badly done, but I found 2 which I like. Transgeneration and My Transsexual Summer. Both can be found on youtube. The first one is based in the US and the other in the UK. I liked My Transsexual Summer more because I found the people in that doc easier to relate to, maybe cause I'm from Canada? Both docs feature someone who is going to get SRS and someone who is just starting HRT or transition. The reason I recommend to watch them is that reading things on forums is great but seeing it can help too. especially if you dont get out much (correct me if i'm wrong). Watching others and/or knowing others who are going through the same thing us gives me courage.
Sorry if my post seems like it goes all over the place. I'm writing it on the go as I read the replies on this topic.
I really want to drive home the point that you are not alone. I'm sure anyone on this forum would be willing to talk to you day or night whenever you need advice.
On a side note, I know you live in the USA and I in Canada but I want to share with you a website for trans and LGBT people in my province. You can see just how many of us there are, even in low population areas.
http://transbc.ca/regions/
I hope any of this helps anyone reading this with courage. I still need it too! That's why I chose the name Valerie, it means strong, brave (valiant). :angel:
Great advice Valerie. I recently had my first outings in full girl mode. I must say I didn't take any major precautions, apart making sure I looked as good as I could. I think I just jumped into the deepened and it paid off. And to be honest no one blinked an eyelid at me. This included a stay in a city hotel and going out to a bar. Totally broke the ice for me. But I think for me that's what works best, no matter how nervous I am, I do best under pressure. And there was a little pressure to perform in this instance lol
Quote from: Skylar105 on December 24, 2014, 05:28:52 PM
Most of my problems are income related lol. My family is really on the smite side of religion. I want freedom mainly but it's something I'm currently lacking and there isn't anyone in my family I can talk to. Lol it's like they locked the door to the burning building. (With me being inside).
So what do you do in a situation such as being locked inside a burning building? Break a window and escape. It must be hard though not having the freedom of your own finances. Mine aren't great, but at least there my 'not so great finances' lol
Quote from: Skylar105 on December 24, 2014, 05:28:52 PM
Most of my problems are income related lol. My family is really on the smite side of religion. I want freedom mainly but it's something I'm currently lacking and there isn't anyone in my family I can talk to. Lol it's like they locked the door to the burning building. (With me being inside).
I came out to myself while totally isolated, cultured shocked (formerly 5 miles from NYC) and alone in rural West Virginia. It took some time but I found someone to talk to. Actually an entire living room packed full of people with stories almost identical to my own. They not only saved my life but were instrumental in helping me turn it around for the better. Two angels in particular met this basket case there at the time I needed them.
My "Local" TG support group was 90 miles away. A lot better then the 3+ hours to DC, Pittsburgh, or Baltimore, the nearest real cities
The first time out I was like the others that responded here - I was petrified with fear. I did it in a big way, going far away from where I was staying into downtown San Diego to the gayberhood (the Hillcrest area) to go to a very popular bar with some trans friends. Getting down there was nerve wracking in and of itself, but once I had parked the car I had to step out of it and expose myself, and I sat there for a good 10 minutes dithering whether to open the car door or to drive back home. Finally I asked myself the question "Do you want to do this or not?" - my answer was yes, so I forced myself out of the car and I walked 3 blocks in my 4" heels to the bar and I would up having a fabulous time. No one paid me any attention whatsoever that night.
Even though I had gone out fully en femme that night the fears eventually crept back in and paralyzed me once again. I had to start all over with baby steps - trips to my therapist in West Hollywood (a very LGBT friendly place) where done en femme, and that helped build confidence. My therapist forced me to go to a mall in Beverly Hills en femme, and that was really the push that helped me over the hump. Once I was at the mall I parked and I noticed that there were lots of people milling around everywhere and that scared me. I sat in the car once again petrified with fear and dithering. The same question that I had asked myself in San Diego came to mind, so I stepped out of the car and walked confidently into the mall, and again no one paid me any attention. I even visited the Sephoria store and bought some eye shadow and no one paid any attention to me.
I would suggest you experiment with going out in circumstances that you find comfortable, and try to stretch yourself a little each time. You can pick up some cheap makeup at the grocery store and watch YouTube videos to learn more about how to apply it (less is more). Expect to throw away a lot of what you buy because you don't yet know your skin tone color and it's likely that the makeup will not look good on you but that's ok. Makeup takes a lot of practice applying it, so practice, practice, practice.
And finally - it is an unfortunate fact that being trans requires some thick skin to be able to deal with the dolts in the world. A way to begin to develop thick skin is to think of some things that people might say to you and work out some responses ahead of time so that you aren't surprised if it happens. A response could include simply walking away which is always a good thing to do if circumstances allow it.
@BreezyB Escaping from the burning building would be nice but is difficult when I'm reminded about the problem everywhere and that my family basically destroy me mentally. Yesterday I had a very bad breakdown from my family probably one of the worst ones I've had.
@JoanneB I have been trying to communicate with my transgender group. I don't really get along with the people though. It's probably my fault but I don't connect the only person I've connected with lately is this woman's that's in politics. (She's basically fighting for transgender rights in my state).
@Eva Marie I could imagine that's scary. Unfortunately my whole family is against me so I can't even dress correctly at home. :3 I have makeup already :3 even fake eyelashes. :0
Quote from: Skylar105 on December 24, 2014, 05:28:52 PM
...Most of my problems are income related...
For me I know I am going to be in debt, going to school and transitioning (2 very expensive things).
But the way I look at is:
a) If I don't do it I will be forever working minimum wage jobs.
b) If I don't do it I will never be my true self.
If you are going to school now, perhaps you can take a loan and move out to a dorm or something.
Also you are really young still, maybe it's not the best option in the world, but delaying transtion has worked for some of us. I had to do that too.
About 3 years ago I tried to transition but I jumped the gun too fast and ended up almost outing myself to my family before I was ready and I was also not prepared for the results of HRT. I stopped after 3-4 months of HRT and cut my hair and basically fell backwards in transition. However now I know what to expect and I'm taking it slower.
Quote from: Skylar105 on December 08, 2014, 09:34:29 AM
...I know how the feeling of others can hurt, and unfortunately knowing that today is registration for school today I know the lady is going to misgender me on purpose (because she's ignorant.) I could report it to the school services but usually they don't do much. I'm trying to figure out how to prepare myself for it. (Appearance is my weakest spot as I'm sure it is with some others.) when I'm misgendered as such it makes me feel like crap for days...
Does your school have a pride centre or something like that? The one at my school is located in the women collective building (which is also a safe place for transwomen).
Perhaps if you have one, they could help you with issues regarding misgendering and such at school.
@ Valerie Rose I can't take a loan unfortunately lol. And my college doesn't have a campus so I'm living at home. I'm never going back I would die before that would happen. I told my school leader about it and she has helped some but hasn't fixed it completely. Also I tried to sell my soul once but I only got offered a nickel! LOL I am joking of course :3 (I'm saying I'm an awful person).
Quote from: Skylar105 on December 06, 2014, 06:36:14 PM
This is a topic I'm quite curious on and I don't see covered much. I am personally quite a coward specially when it comes to transitioning. (I still present as male everywhere.) I'm not in accepting area and I'm still legally male due to state laws. How have you gained the courage to be out? I'm curious because my therapist has high standards for me to do stuff that can possibly end up with me being in bad shape.
I've seen a few people just do it bravely and not care of others opinions. I don't see how they do it, I care too much about being accepted in society. I'm also terrified of employment discrimination because of the things I've seen and how my family still treats me. My passing skill is basically non-existent. So I at least want courage, but unfortunately I don't know where to start for courage. Sorry if this is the wrong place.
I definitely feel weak and helpless when it comes to my transition. I am quite young 19 (in a technical college that says I can be myself shocking for it being TN.) I've also grown terrified of people in general due to dysphoria being so severe (I rarely speak to my family even though I live with them.) I abandoned thanksgiving but I shall not be able to do such for the rest of the holidays.
Sorry this seems like a rant but I just wanna know how everyone gets the courage to be free or go full time.
My therapist hasn't helped much with this.
Hi Skylar,
First, I want to say that I am really touched by what you enduring right now, yet at the same time, I admire you for having the courage to admit to us the weak feelings that this situation gives rise to. This indicates that you are strong and courageous enough to leave yourself vulnerable -- if even in the midst of people much like you. Please realize -- it takes courage to permit vulnerability; you're already demonstrating more strength than what I have.
See, in regards to my situation, I live in a small town that is very orthodox by nature (although I live at my university, which is the polar opposite). About one month after beginning HRT, I came out to my younger sister about my gender dysphoria and what I'm doing to get rid of it, and she decidedly told our grandma about my predicament. My grandma (who was also told not to tell anyone of my secret) then told all of my aunts and my mother about my situation. Next, my cousins learned, my mom's co-workers learned, and in time, many of my high school classmates learned; none of this was done by my own accord.
The catch is that -- to my knowledge -- everyone in my hometown has been accepting of what I've decided to undergo. In addition, my college is very liberal, so I assume that the population there would also accept me.
But, in spite of all of this, I am still too afraid to present as female. Occasionally, I'll look in the mirror and permit that weeks of HRT has dramatically feminized my appearance (in comparison to how I used to look), or I'll reflect on how uplifting it is that I have been gendered correctly a few times -- but I still cannot find the courage to present in accordance to the visceral me. Even better, I can't find the strength to try to present as female, even in private, because the thought of actually trying to look feminine enough to pass, and then failing to pass, is scarring to me because I am admittedly very weak. And so, when in a depressed state (which I fall into very often), I tell myself that I will always present as male until I undergo FFS.
Now, can you see how you're most likely stronger than what you give yourself credit for? In the same message, you've said that you're not making progress in terms of passing (much more than I could ever do), you've unveiled the weak feelings you're enduring (more than I could do), and you've said that you feel helpless (again, more than I could do). Skylar, you are so strong, and I want you to realize this.
Now, my humble advice: in spite of what your therapist might wish, do what you are comfortable with and nothing more. It's my inclination that you are not yet comfortable with your progress, for example, so honestly, I would just wait for that comfort to blossom! I believe that it will, so don't feel like you have to rush things at the expense of your comfort. To be comfortable in who you are is essential, as so many transition due to lack of comfort in themselves (myself included)!
As for the trans women who present as female, they aren't necessarily more courageous than you are -- nor are they necessarily more beautiful, more naturally feminine, or more knowledgeable even. More often than not, they just look in the mirror and have reached a level of comfort in who they've become so that they are ready to face the world head-on. This time will come for you; I promise. Do message me if you wish to talk. I am close to your age, and am in a very similar situation!
In warmth,
Alice
Courage isn't a matter of not being frightened, you know, it's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.. - The Doctor. (3)
Quote from: Jasper93 on December 29, 2014, 12:42:33 AM
Hi Skylar,
First, I want to say that I am really touched by what you enduring right now, yet at the same time, I admire you for having the courage to admit to us the weak feelings that this situation gives rise to. This indicates that you are strong and courageous enough to leave yourself vulnerable -- if even in the midst of people much like you. Please realize -- it takes courage to permit vulnerability; you're already demonstrating more strength than what I have.
See, in regards to my situation, I live in a small town that is very orthodox by nature (although I live at my university, which is the polar opposite). About one month after beginning HRT, I came out to my younger sister about my gender dysphoria and what I'm doing to get rid of it, and she decidedly told our grandma about my predicament. My grandma (who was also told not to tell anyone of my secret) then told all of my aunts and my mother about my situation. Next, my cousins learned, my mom's co-workers learned, and in time, many of my high school classmates learned; none of this was done by my own accord.
The catch is that -- to my knowledge -- everyone in my hometown has been accepting of what I've decided to undergo. In addition, my college is very liberal, so I assume that the population there would also accept me.
But, in spite of all of this, I am still too afraid to present as female. Occasionally, I'll look in the mirror and permit that weeks of HRT has dramatically feminized my appearance (in comparison to how I used to look), or I'll reflect on how uplifting it is that I have been gendered correctly a few times -- but I still cannot find the courage to present in accordance to the visceral me. Even better, I can't find the strength to try to present as female, even in private, because the thought of actually trying to look feminine enough to pass, and then failing to pass, is scarring to me because I am admittedly very weak. And so, when in a depressed state (which I fall into very often), I tell myself that I will always present as male until I undergo FFS.
Now, can you see how you're most likely stronger than what you give yourself credit for? In the same message, you've said that you're not making progress in terms of passing (much more than I could ever do), you've unveiled the weak feelings you're enduring (more than I could do), and you've said that you feel helpless (again, more than I could do). Skylar, you are so strong, and I want you to realize this.
Now, my humble advice: in spite of what your therapist might wish, do what you are comfortable with and nothing more. It's my inclination that you are not yet comfortable with your progress, for example, so honestly, I would just wait for that comfort to blossom! I believe that it will, so don't feel like you have to rush things at the expense of your comfort. To be comfortable in who you are is essential, as so many transition due to lack of comfort in themselves (myself included)!
As for the trans women who present as female, they aren't necessarily more courageous than you are -- nor are they necessarily more beautiful, more naturally feminine, or more knowledgeable even. More often than not, they just look in the mirror and have reached a level of comfort in who they've become so that they are ready to face the world head-on. This time will come for you; I promise. Do message me if you wish to talk. I am close to your age, and am in a very similar situation!
In warmth,
Alice
You're very kind, I'm honestly borderline of being done with everything. Considering how much my family hates me in general at this point. I can never really get away from the suffering of it (I know there are some who have suffered much more than me). Considering my birth certificate and license is stuck with male on it (can't change it) so I can't change social security. It makes it difficult to get a job and I am tired of dealing with everything at this point.
One person made a argument that laws will change and I question how many years of suffering until that? I've already dealt with 8 years of such. (Which yet again I know some whom have suffered longer). I don't have the same amount of tolerance as they do. These problems have actually made me cruel towards local people that I'm around because I know what they support. (Which I do know is wrong of me).
I also had another incident that triggered severe disorder outside of my family's usual things. A gay man (I have no problem with gay men in anyway). Decided that he would randomly tell me that I have a nice well um butt. Which didn't offend me until he said "you're gay aren't you?". At that point dysphoria spiked. You may think well you should be flattered that you got the attention. I disagree as the guy sees me as a guy which is highly offensive. It's one of my major weak points that has driven me to a broken state. I'm barely to the point that I can do basic things such as shop (hate being around people because of being transgendered) because I know what they will do.
I'm not generalizing the people but if you knew something bad was coming you would dodge it correct? I know I would which is why I only use self checkout at the store otherwise I don't shop. Anyways enough of my rant. :/
Quote from: Skylar105 on December 29, 2014, 01:40:27 AM
You're very kind, I'm honestly borderline of being done with everything. Considering how much my family hates me in general at this point. I can never really get away from the suffering of it (I know there are some who have suffered much more than me). Considering my birth certificate and license is stuck with male on it (can't change it) so I can't change social security. It makes it difficult to get a job and I am tired of dealing with everything at this point.
One person made a argument that laws will change and I question how many years of suffering until that? I've already dealt with 8 years of such. (Which yet again I know some whom have suffered longer). I don't have the same amount of tolerance as they do. These problems have actually made me cruel towards local people that I'm around because I know what they support. (Which I do know is wrong of me).
I also had another incident that triggered severe disorder outside of my family's usual things. A gay man (I have no problem with gay men in anyway). Decided that he would randomly tell me that I have a nice well um butt. Which didn't offend me until he said "you're gay aren't you?". At that point dysphoria spiked. You may think well you should be flattered that you got the attention. I disagree as the guy sees me as a guy which is highly offensive. It's one of my major weak points that has driven me to a broken state. I'm barely to the point that I can do basic things such as shop (hate being around people because of being transgendered) because I know what they will do.
I'm not generalizing the people but if you knew something bad was coming you would dodge it correct? I know I would which is why I only use self checkout at the store otherwise I don't shop. Anyways enough of my rant. :/
Skylar, your "rant", as you called it, is one of many ways of coping with what you're battling right now. It's completely okay. I too feel the need to avoid checkout lanes, for example, because of getting called "sir", etc. The thing is, maybe I shouldn't expect this 100% of the time since I'm early into HRT and also present as male. Just maintain your dignity and try to warrior whatever comes your way that gives rise to your dysphoria, as the reward is well worth it.
A little relevant anecdote: At my university, I work part-time in a deli and get "sir"d, "bro"d", and "man'd"
innumerable times each day that I work. This really, really causes my dysphoria to materialize, and trust me, it causes suicidal thoughts. But the thing is, I also get "mam'd" here and there whenever I'm not in uniform, and this pretty much invalidates all of the pain I've ever received from being gendered as male because it's the present situation that matters most -- not my position beforehand. When I do get "mam'd", or whenever someone says I look ridiculously youthful for my age, or even when some guy mistakenly holds a door open for me for a while because I appear more female from a distance (funny story lol), it once again nullifies all of the pain I've experienced from withstanding the public's perception of me in the past. It then motivates me to push even harder in this challenge that is transitioning; eventually, the momentum will be so powerful that I'll be unstoppable -- even in the face of society.
So, just try to develop the mindset that positive situations will begin to transpire for you, and I can't quantify how motivated this will likely make you feel about your transition. Vis-a-vis being regarded as male on legal documents and whatnot, I lack advice or experience in this area. :( I will say, though, that if you're in Tennessee, of course you feel like you're in hell while transitioning. To undergo a transition in one of the most conservative parts of America makes you so strong. Just keep your head up. I guess the good news, in respect to geographic location, is that -- as you may have noticed -- Millennials everywhere are pretty accepting. Well, not all of them, especially in small towns and such, but at a university or in a city, heck yeah. The future probably looks better for you than you'd think!
Good luck!
Alice
One thing I can say at this point (and I don't know how useful my remarks will be): I personally have a lot of trouble sifting my feelings and figuring out exactly what the problem is.
E.g., there's different kinds of fear. There's that vague fear of the unknown--which can be crippling, but it's stupid to let it stop you. Why be held back by fear when you don't even know what you're afraid of. Then there are fears of specific things--jeering, harassment, etc. If you have good reason to fear specific things like this, then it makes sense to see if you can figure out how to avoid such threats.
But it isn't just fear I had to deal with--and sometimes I think I was using fear as a convenient cop-out. After all, transpeople can justifiably be afraid at times, so doesn't it make sense to try and keep yourself in one piece?
No, there were other things I was really dealing with: shame, e.g. Shame can be really tenacious, and it can take a lot of work to get past it. Why can't I just be a "normal" person like everybody else? Well, you can't be, so get over it. Even these days I feel a bit of shame in certain situations. You have to shrug it off, let it go. There's no reason to feel it, so don't feel it.
Also, embarrassment. My body embarrasses me. I find it humiliating that it should be as it is. Just something you have to deal with: discover what can be done and what you want to do about it.
Finally, hopelessness. Whenever I run into some really nice woman, I get that sinking feeling. No matter what I do, I'll never really be what I need to be--i.e., like her. Nothing you can do about that. You just have to do the best you can and accept that it is your best. It's a part of life.
In other words, I've never been entirely sure that the fear I feel is really fear rather than something else. I think it's great that those of you who are so young are taking these issues on. You don't want to leave it as late as I did. It'll make you feel you've wasted your whole life.