Life is so very confusing, and it feels even more so being diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I don't really understand what is going on inside my own mind. I can never seem to put it into words or even explain it to myself. Even to the point of Gender Identity. I don't know if I even thought about it in those terms. Feeling masculine or feminine, I don't think really entered the equation. All I know is I started cross-dressing 15-20 years ago at the start of puberty, with no clear understanding as to "why." I just don't remember.
I can't seem to turn off the doubting that goes on in my head, either. For many years now, I have gone through cycles of cross-dressing and trying herbal hormones because I so badly feel the need to be a woman. I vaguely remember my thoughts along the lines of "I need to know what it was like to be a woman." But eventually I end up stopping and telling myself, "what are you doing, you're a man, not a woman." Also included in those times when I ended up stopping was that I believed it must be a sin.
August 2013, I felt that need to start the cycle over again. I felt like couldn't keep going back and forth anymore, and maybe I was supposed to go down this path in life, towards a transition. I started cross-dressing and taking the herbal hormones again, and I was happy again, instead of trying to hide it all away. And I started looking into the religious side of it all to see if this was a sin or not and if this really was the path for me to go down. Eight months later, in February, I thought I finally found approval, that I could become the woman I felt I needed to be. I thought I had the certainty that I needed.
Then my life got turned upside down, and the doubts got turned on to "high." I went back to thinking "I'm a man, not a woman...stop this madness."
However, this was where the cycle changed. I tried to push forward instead, because I knew I couldn't keep going back and forth. But I can't seem to get past the doubts, and I've become depressed because of it. I've been encouraged not to give up, that what I have felt in the past is normal for a TG person, and that it will keep coming back as it has before. But each time I think I recognize a part of myself that aligns with what I've seen in other TG's, it seems to fade away. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing a part of myself each time something fades away, just like I felt like I lost a part of myself when the doubts came.
Now, I feel like an empty shell. Sometimes I try to force a connection to what I had before the doubts. I've been to the store a couple of times en femme, got some laser hair removal for my face all en femme, and even went to my therapist once en femme as well. I don't feel terrible dressing en femme, but I don't necessarily feel at peace either, just okay, I guess. I'm just so full of uncertainty and confusion. Whether I'm dressing as male or female I'm constantly thinking of the situation I'm in, uncertain how to get out.
I've pretty much stopped caring these days. I've gone numb to so many things. I've been exhausted frequently. My therapist said that I'm not alone in this, but it hasn't given me much comfort. I just want to stop feeling this way, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward when I have these doubts. Of course, I don't really know what kind of effect the herbal hormones are having on me either, if any. If I decided to stop this all, I was advised not to stop completely, because all the starting and stopping of the hormones (even the herbal stuff) can really mess up my system. Some part of me thinks I should have approached this all differently, but I don't know how though.
I probably just need some patience, which apparently is not what I'm good at in this situation.
Does anyone have any advice?
Numbness is a part of the process.
Its not easy at all.
You need to work close with your therapist and come up with the steps needed to bring back joy in your life.
Everyone has there own tipping points.
Mine was just letting go of what society wanted and did what i wanted.
Its always about us, we need to take care of #1 first and let the rest come to us.
As i said its hard but i went full time and never looked back.
That is when i started to live and not just exist.
Hugs