Two weeks or so ago I plucked up the courage to come out to my mom after successfully coming out to just about everyone else. She's pretty well the last one to know (I know, I know, maybe she should have been the first, but I had my reasons :)) It took me quite a while to finally write a letter that I could live with and one which I though would explain things to her without getting too technical about the whole thing.
So... over two weeks and no reply, no phone calls... she lives in England so that may be part of the delay. She may also be taking care to write her own reply. But then she may also be too shocked to bother. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, my mom and I were never close, but I still love her, but then maybe the distance between us is a factor as well. Who knows, I'll just have to wait and see, as my life continues.
If anyone is interested I can send, or post a copy of the letter. It may serve as a starting point for others who are contemplating writing similar letters, and it could serve as a good example, or a bad example :D.
Chat later,
Steph
[edit]These two topics were merged by Susan[/edit]
Good Luck Stephanie,
Mothers can be a strange breed. My mother knew from early childhood, it just wasn't talked about in proper family situations. My parents, ignored it when they weren't beating me for it, or banishing me to my room. They couldn't admit it since I had a 1 year older sibling that never left the hospital, the doctors said it was a boy, the nurses said it was a girl, so my parents named it Carlie so it could be either. So my wanting to live as a woman upset them.
Sarah
They are all dead now, so I guess it doesn't make any difference anymore and I have been declared "dead" (or unwanted) by my brother and sister.
Hi Sarah-Louise,
I know what you mean. It's sometimes those who are closest to us that do us the most harm. Unfortunate circumstances for sure, and it really makes you wonder why they spend so much energy disapproving, condemning, ridiculing etc.. when as you say, they are dead now. Ahhhhhh yes, death, the great equaliser.
Chat later,
Steph
My mom I think denies it and always asks why i want what i want. She isnt that offensively against anything i want (at least verbally). But then again she has never seen me like this. Only pics and voice/writing conversations.
Hope it goes well for you Steph,
As you've said before we've had all our lives to come to grips with who we are. Your mum is probably trying to figure out how to respond. Even if not at least you have been honest.
Shelley
If she's English, she may also be ignoring it completely. That's a common coping response among older Brits. My mother has an astounding capacity to maintain complete denial about things that she doesn't want to deal with. Fortunately, I live next door to her, so my transition is not one of those things.
Dennis
QuoteThat's a common coping response among older Brits. My mother has an astounding capacity to maintain complete denial about things that she doesn't want to deal with.
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH!
My adopted Mom was British and denied that there was anything "wrong" with me, despite what the doctors said, despite the women's clothes, makeup, wig, etc. on my bedroom vanity, despite the stories around town about my "dual life", despite my weekend trips to the city (and return with traces of makeup). I swear she could have walked through a brick wall if she chose to believe it didn't exist! Even years after SRS, she continued to believe that I'd come back home, "straighten up" and be "normal" It has been 32 years now and she STILL does not acknowledge it! Her problem - NOT mine!
Lots of luck with your letter Stephanie, and I hop ethat everything comes out well. It may bring you closer and it may draw you further apart. But since you're not close with your side of your family, at least you're coming out to them and letting them know which is a good step. My entire family on both sides already knows everything.
I would be interested in seeing the letter. You can PM it to me. I'm still having a lot of problems with my mom coming to terms with my decisions on what is best for me, and just by seieng what you have wrote may seem to help me out.
Gina
QuoteI swear she could have walked through a brick wall if she chose to believe it didn't exist!
That is a perfect way of putting it. That's exactly what my mum is like.
Dennis
Crossing my fingers for you, Stephanie.
My first instinct is to of course hope that Mom embraces you as you are, but that rarely happens instantaneously, so far as I've seen. Maybe she's yet to figure out what she thinks of the whole thing herself, before she can respond to you. Even if her initial reaction is not favorable, let's hope she's the type who can gradually come to terms with it.
Either way, as Shelley said, you've done the right thing in being honest, and nothing can take that away from you. Though through very strained relations with my biological dad over various issues, I know that doesn't take away the sting. [Dad's a hateful, vengeful,judgemental, hypocritical, wife-beating moron (and possibly child-abusing, but my brothers have never said), and even he has made small progresses, so if at first the result is less than pleasant, don't let your dear heart fall too far.] :icon_flower:
I'd be interested in reading the letter, not that I have need of it for myself, but it would provide a different perspective-- letter from 'child to parent' is different than 'social/support interaction among peers'. If you're still inclined, a PM or e-mail is fine... Do keep us updated!
Valerie
Hello Val,
My mother is much like the person the others here have described. I often wondered why she always had the huge bump on her head :) She does have problems with seeing the truth. One of my brothers is a complete waste of time, married and divorced, choke addict. We rescued him from trouble with the law and the habit, but all my mother could think about was keeping it quiet from the other family members, so I can imagine that I'll get the same reaction. For myself she always told everyone how I loved being in the Airborne, how I rose through the ranks to one of the highest positions. All the while I hated every minute of it. Oh well she is my mom, and as I said before I do love her.
I'll send a copy of the letter via PM for your info.
Thanks everyone for the support, chat later,
Steph
Funny that this topic comes up when it did - I sat down yesterday and wrote a rough draft letter to my parents. Odd thing is, I am currently living with them. I keep trying to sit down with them and get up the courage to say something, but I just can't seem to do it. My therapist suggested writing a letter, and so I did. If it's not too much of a bother, may I see your letter (via PM)? I think I got too carried away with the technical details. It would be nice to sort of compare notes.
Anyway, I hope your mother comes around and at the very least responds somehow. Sometimes the hardest thing to deal with is silence.
Stephanie,
I truly hope you hear from your mother soon. What about a phone call, or would that be pushing the situation too hard?
When I came out to my sister, we talked at length about coming out to our mother. We came to the joint conclusion that my coming out would a) either be ignored or b) devistate her. I think there is only one thing more stuborn than an English woman, and that would be a Canadian woman that is 100% German. Given that, I am not planning on coming out to her for a long time.
Chaunte
I usually find with my mum that just leaving her to her denial until she absolutely can't deny any more gets more progress. If I push her, she just gets more resistant. If she comes out of denial on her own terms, she'll get over whatever put her in denial. Phoning her might make it worse.
If there's a timeline on it, though, pushing her becomes necessary. She got all weird about my wedding and had decided that she needed to stay home and look after the dog, so we had to push her there. My poor partner thought that the dog was the actual issue, so went around and arranged day care for him and a place for him to stay. But that's the other part about English denial. A remarkable ability to project the stress onto another situation that has nothing to do with the actual issue.
Dennis
My mother was good at "ignoring" things she didn't want to hear. To her there were just certain things that were not discussed, she could bury her head so far in the sand that I thought she would sufficate.
Sarah
Hey Steph,
I just want to add my best wishes for you. I pray your mom will come round and embrace her daughter.
Dennis gives good advice, about not pushing. But he's right, there is a limit.
(My relationship with my mom is extremely strained. She tried to deny my religion for 15 years, and only now (17 years) we can actually talk about that. With sexuality and gender... well that's only been seven years and freaks her out even more, so we haven;t got very far. Right now, i feel like when i see her, I'm talking to a stranger, and i wish i had pushed her, and am doing so now. Maybe a confrontation can bring us closer, maybe it will just widen the gap even more, but you never know until you try. And I am wiser now and much better at explaining myself than when I first came out to her. I miss the good times we spent together when i was young, and i don;t think we'll ever be close again, but just to be able to relax and breathe in each other's company would be wonderful. Of course, even though she doesn;t see me for who i am, I love her. And that must count for something.)
I hope things go better for you and your mom.
Thinking of you,
love
Alex
A while back I sent a letter to my mom, coming out to her, you can read that topic here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,1371.0.html
Today I received her reply, and I'll post it here as to me it is so wonderful.
========================================================
Quote
My Dear Steph
This has to be the biggest surprize of my life, something I didn't expect in a million years, but you are my child nothing can change that, there is no choice, I accept you the way you are.
Your Dad and I agree you have tremendous ammount of courage to commit this change after fifty three years, and I must admit I find it difficult to imagine you as a female, if you could send me photographs it would help.
I have told G------, J----, and W----- and they accept it, also B---- & M-----. Both W----- & M------ said the same thing that you are their cousin no matter what. This is only a short letter, but i think that I have kept you waiting long enough.
Remember I will always love you.
Mom and Dad
===========================================================
Steph
That is so great Steph,
You are at almost 100% acceptance which is wonderful and well deserved.
beth
Steph! I am ecstatic for you. I have been waiting for the outcome of this and I could not be happier for you. This is wonderful news.
Cassie
Fabulous Steph, almost a fairytale ending. You deserve it.
Dawn
Very nice. Send her some pics so she can see you.
Congratulations Steph! That's wonderful news. Your mum is quite the person - that was a very long letter for a British mother to write. My mother's record is 11 words!
Dennis
Nice!
My American Mother could write a tome and say absolutely nothing. I say raise a glass to British mothers and their succinctness.
Cassie
You folks are way too kind, thanks for your support.
Isn't it nice being apart of Susan's :)
Steph
Oh my God, I got tears in my eyes, I am thrilled for you !!!
Forget the tears in my eyes! There rolling down my cheeks. Oh! Steph I know from your posts how much this means to you and I'm so happy for you. If you were here now I would give you the biggest hug.
Thankyou for sharing this with us.
Shelley
Congrats Steph!!!!!
Awesome news! I'm glad that your Mum is accepting.
:icon_dance:
I'm so happy for you Steph.
Here's another long distance HUG for you.
Jillieann
This is great to hear. I remember your letter was my inspiration to coming out to my own parents, and it's wonderful to see a happy resolution!
:D
Hey there Melissa,
That's basically what happened to me. I ended up forcing myself to come out at work. I was out everywhere except at work. It was harder and harder for me to conceal it any longer. It got to the point where people were getting really confused about me from my presentation, I had no choice I had to come out to them.
But before I did I ensured that there were several things in place first. When you are ready give me a shout and I'll relate how my coming out went. I may put it in the Wiki (if I get the time ) :)
Steph
???
Steph,
Leah and I would like to take you up on that copy of the coming out letter. Send it to peggiannspal@yahoo.com please. We know we face some of this coming out more in the future.
Was thrilled to hear how your mom took it and her decloration of love for you. That's just what everyone of you transisioning needs to hear no matter what level in the process they are.
Thanks for sharing it give hope to others.,
Peggiann
I hope you can find the time Steph because I think that would be really helpful to those about to take the step.
Shelley
QuoteLeah and I would like to take you up on that copy of the coming out letter. Send it to peggiannspal@yahoo.com please. We know we face some of this coming out more in the future.
No problem it will be in the mail tonight when I get home from work.
Steph
Way to go Steph. That is real nice to have your parents acceptance.
Sheila
Fantastic. Congrats on receiving such a wonderful letter.
ummmm....Steph,
Received the letter you wrote your mom,
I have never read such a tender and caring letter. I too was had the same reaction as Leah. A lump to form in my the back of my throat, silence and to just ponder for a moment over the wealth of information you used. The way you say all the information is so perfectly worded and can not be taken any other way than well thought out and serious mind set. Thank you for sharing it and for being there for others on Susan's Place.
I read it to Leah just a few minutes ago and she was very moved by it. She is now very quiet and has gone to bed. I hope this will be instrumental in helping her decide there is a way to share her choice of direction for her life now with those we love and care about too.
Thanks again,
Peggiann
Looks like the Wiki option might save some typing Steph. :)
By the way your doing a fantastic job there.
Shelley
Quote from: melissa_girl on December 17, 2005, 12:44:21 AM
Okay, now I'm interested. Could I get a copy too? If you want, I can PM you my email address.
No problems Melissa, PM your email address, and I'll send you a copy.
And I think you are right Shelley, I should be able to squeeze it in, but at the moment I'm busy with a new article called a "Guide to Coming Out at the Workplace" .
Chat later
Steph
I had posted that I would send copies of the letter I wrote to my mom to those who wanted to see or use it. Since that I have had several emails regarding this. So, as Shelly suggested, I have published it in the Wiki under a new article that I am presently compiling. For those of you who are interested it can be found here:
Letter to Mom (https://www.susans.org/wiki/?title=A_Letter_to_Mom&rcid=3788)
Feel free to use it in whole or in part.
Steph
Steph,
I am thrilled and so happy for you that your parents are so accepting! It truly gives me hope for when I come out to my kin.
I am beyond words with joy! :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:
Chaunte
I have to say Steph you are doing a fantastic job with the Wiki.
Shelley
Congradulations Steph! This is the best outcome possible. I agree with Melissa, I view you as an older sister who is helping me sort out my own issues.
You are a good role model for me.
Molly
I also want to say thank you, Steph. Reading your letter helped me draft my own, which, even though I ended up not giving them (rather talked to them in person), it helped organize my thoughts into a cohesive mindset so I was less likely to get derailed and sidetracked.
I would recommend that everyone who's dreading the inevitable "coming out" speech, write your thoughts down in a letter. I prefer using a word processor because it's easier to edit, and saves a lot of paper! With a final draft, you can either give the letter to your parents (or whomever the letter was for) or go into a conversation a little more prepared, with all the points that you wanted to cover fresh and organized in your mind.
Dear Steph
Can I also add my best wishes to you, your mothers answer also brought tears to my eyes and only wish I could tell my parents of the changes in my life, sadly they have both passed away so there is only my brother and I left.
To have the full acceptance of your parents must be something wonderful to experience, I am sure they would be very proud of their new daughter.
Much love
Caroline
my mom took it quite well but she is a lesbin herself
wow awesome news that ur family and friends took it so well, i can only hope my friends take it so well, when it is time for me to come out (which is not untill im about 24-25
also thank you for posting your letter, it is kinda helping me with mine
Well, let's just say that I have ceased to exist for my parents, It's hard, because I was adopted from a very nasty situation, so I have always been grateful to my folks, and I love them very much, it's just that they aare very conservative christians, and I ........ well I see where they're coming from, just not why.
Morning,
I was not adopted, so I have no personal experience with that part of your situation. But I was disowned and told to leave the state. I did try to reason with my Christian leaders to no avail. In the end, I was left with pretty much nothing, so I did leave the state and moved to California. Here I transitioned, set up a new life for myself, and now I have a wonderful life.
I just want you to know that it is possible to be happy. I know that were you are now seems absolutely hopeless. But please realize that it is not. You can do it. You are legal age now, so it is entirely up to you.
Someday, your family may accept you back into the fold. They may never accept your "condition". But perhaps they can overlook that to love their child. The key is to maintain constant contact and to never fight about this issue.
My best of luck to you doll.
Chin up!
Cindi
I wanted to thank you Steph for sharing your letter. This last year for me has been a storm of confusion and depression over my being TS and finally coming to terms with it. I feel like I have to tell someone, and I've been trying to figure out how, but it's not going to well...
Reading your letter helps, I've been trying to write my own but that's not going too well either. I could just as easily tell someone face to face, but a letter seems a better way.
I'm so happy for how things turned out for you, I cried and cried reading your letter and your moms response.
Thank you
M
(btw I was going to PM this to you but I don't have permission to do that yet)
Quote from: Michelle Ellis on February 08, 2007, 04:21:53 PM
I wanted to thank you Steph for sharing your letter. This last year for me has been a storm of confusion and depression over my being TS and finally coming to terms with it. I feel like I have to tell someone, and I've been trying to figure out how, but it's not going to well...
Reading your letter helps, I've been trying to write my own but that's not going too well either. I could just as easily tell someone face to face, but a letter seems a better way.
I'm so happy for how things turned out for you, I cried and cried reading your letter and your moms response.
Thank you
M
(btw I was going to PM this to you but I don't have permission to do that yet)
You're very welcome Michelle.
This is what Susan's is all about hon, helping each other through the tough times and sharing in the happy times. We all benefit and that's what is important.
Take care.
Steph
That letter from your mum is really heart warming I just hope my mother & father will feel the same.
Thank you so much for posting your letter, Stephanie. I've been intending to write a coming-out letter to my sister and BIL for months now, but met with the worst case of writer's block ever. I haven't written a single word yet, but this weekend I think it's finally starting to come together in my mind. I came here to Susan's Place forums hoping to find an example, and yours has inspired me so well, I know I can do it now.
My Mom already knows, and is against it, but she's been keeping it a secret from the rest of the family for years. Mom's Irish, but culturally takes after that Anglo froideur that others have discussed here, including the very heavy denial. When I visited last Christmastime, she was giving me a hard time about wearing makeup in front of everyone. (It was just a little bit!) It was the first time my father, sisters, BILs, and nephews had seen me since I began. They had to have noticed I looked way different from before, but everyone pretended nothing had changed. It was an extremely painful and stressful visit for me, being forced into the closet. Ever since then I've known the sooner I come out to them all and get this over with, the better.
During the visit, I was so desperate to come out of the closet, I planned to say it to everyone over the dinner table one night. But then my Dad started reading from his new joke book, including humor that he knew would specially appeal to me, and we all had such a lighthearted time, the moment just wasn't right for coming out. So now my plan is to come out to my sisters one at a time, and I chose to write to the youngest one first, thinking I probably have the best chance of acceptance with her.
Steph, your letter rocked. I was going to include the major points you covered there, but much more briefly. I don't want to overwhelm them with a huge amount of information at once. I thought it might be better to fit it onto a single handwritten page and just say the essentials. I've heard advice not to beg for acceptance--so as not to put them on the spot requiring an immediate answer, they might need time to absorb it and come to terms with it--and not to cry about all the suffering I've been through. This makes sense to me. I've been told that the best way to come out is simply to say this is who I am, this is real and serious and medically necessary for my well-being. And that's that. (Not in so many blunt words, of course, this is the gist of it.) That showing myself strong and confident in my identity tends to bring the best response. That's what I liked so much about your letter, Steph.
And having stated the facts briefly, invite them to ask any questions they want, and maybe a URL or two referring them to some online Transsexualism 101, and invite them to check out this information if they're interested in understanding my situation better. Sound like a plan? Can anyone recommend a good online FAQ to refer family members to? Is there a brochure for this?
Posted on: June 24, 2007, 06:40:26 PM
Well, reading Steph's letter a couple weeks ago was what helped me to finally break through that writer's block and get my letter written. Good job, Steph!
Steph added my letter to the wiki page as a sample. Let me know what you think, folks.
I mailed the letters over a week ago--they would have received them on July 2--but I've been met with absolute stone silence. No pressure on them, if they choose to reply it's up to them, but I have notified them I'm moving forward with my life. Whether anyone is with me or I have to go on all alone, I can't hold back any longer.
I think moving on is the right way to go.
That they accept you or not, that's the only way
to live the life you want.
Good luck, Hypatia.
Quote from: Hypatia on July 08, 2007, 03:20:36 PM
Thank you so much for posting your letter, Stephanie. I've been intending to write a coming-out letter to my sister and BIL for months now, but met with the worst case of writer's block ever. I haven't written a single word yet, but this weekend I think it's finally starting to come together in my mind. I came here to Susan's Place forums hoping to find an example, and yours has inspired me so well, I know I can do it now.
... <snip>
<snip>...
Steph, your letter rocked. I was going to include the major points you covered there, but much more briefly. I don't want to overwhelm them with a huge amount of information at once. I thought it might be better to fit it onto a single handwritten page and just say the essentials. I've heard advice not to beg for acceptance--so as not to put them on the spot requiring an immediate answer, they might need time to absorb it and come to terms with it--and not to cry about all the suffering I've been through. This makes sense to me. I've been told that the best way to come out is simply to say this is who I am, this is real and serious and medically necessary for my well-being. And that's that. (Not in so many blunt words, of course, this is the gist of it.) That showing myself strong and confident in my identity tends to bring the best response. That's what I liked so much about your letter, Steph.
And having stated the facts briefly, invite them to ask any questions they want, and maybe a URL or two referring them to some online Transsexualism 101, and invite them to check out this information if they're interested in understanding my situation better. Sound like a plan? Can anyone recommend a good online FAQ to refer family members to? Is there a brochure for this?
Posted on: June 24, 2007, 06:40:26 PM
Well, reading Steph's letter a couple weeks ago was what helped me to finally break through that writer's block and get my letter written. Good job, Steph!
Steph added my letter to the wiki page as a sample. Let me know what you think, folks.
I mailed the letters over a week ago--they would have received them on July 2--but I've been met with absolute stone silence. No pressure on them, if they choose to reply it's up to them, but I have notified them I'm moving forward with my life. Whether anyone is with me or I have to go on all alone, I can't hold back any longer.
Hello there.
This is what Susan's is all about. Helping each other in anyway we can. As everyones experience is unique it's important that others know how we get through this thing that is us. I'm glad that I was able to be of help and by you allowing me to post your letter is a way of "Paying forward" :)
Steph
That letter was just about PURRfect.
Good for you Steph, and your mom also. I am sure that she adores you for those words.
A+
Congrats!
thank you stephs for posting the letter.I am Only 15 but to tell the truth to my parent now i have courage after seeing your incident
The part of the letter I like best is, "Remember I will always love you"
Quote from: Dennis on November 03, 2005, 12:22:53 PM
If she's English, she may also be ignoring it completely. That's a common coping response among older Brits. My mother has an astounding capacity to maintain complete denial about things that she doesn't want to deal with.
OMG! How TRUE!
My adopted Mom was English and did a fantastic job of ignoring what she didn't want to acknowledge! From effeminate behaviour in early childhood right through to a bedroom that looked like a teenage girl's room (with dresses in the closet, makeup on the dresser, the whole bit). Even when I started putting my girl things in the family laundry, they would be left laundered and folded on my bed but NEVER was anything said. I know there were times when I showed up at the breakfast table with residual makeup, hairspray, etc., and it must have been bloody obvious where I had been the night before but NOTHING was ever said. When I said I had a problem, it was denied.
I stand in complete awe of such intentional blindness!
My apologies for getting to this most important topic late.
Please send me a copy of your letter to your mother.
julievotour@yahoo.com
thank you so much!
All of you are so awesome. Steph, you rock, girl!
For what it's worth, I wrote my Coming-Out Letter to my mom yesterday, 12 February 2009. I mailed it out today, the day after I wrote it. The mailman took it away just a few hours ago. Excerpts of that letter appear elsewhere here at Susan's Place.
Since I'm just a newbie, what could I possibly say? All of you know much more about this than I do. However, I'm rather older than many of you; hence, I do have more life experience because of that. I sent my letter because my mom is quite old, 79, and is rather ill. We're virtually estranged anyway, but she continuously tries to contact me. Given that, I elected to send it to her today. Time will tell. I'm not expecting much, really.
Girls, you inspire me. The general society may think of us as "Those Silly Trannies," but they are mostly ignoramuses. They really and truly are. Keep the faith.
Hugs!
Post Merge: February 13, 2009, 03:59:22 PM
Steph:
Briefly, I promise ... I just read your Coming-Out Letter. It's exacting, excellent and elegant. One thing you said "says it all" ...
"I've always known I was somehow gender-different, ever since I was very small. It's just the way I am, and I make no apologies for being this way. I cannot change this fact about me any more than I can change the fact that I have blue eyes and am right handed. I like who I am, and I know I am a better person for being this way."
Yes! You've spoken for most of us here! This is our declaration to The World! Thank you SO much!
May peace, love and happiness be yours always, Hun!
Hugs!
Quote from: LaceyLynne on February 13, 2009, 05:49:16 PM
All of you are so awesome. Steph, you rock, girl!
For what it's worth, I wrote my Coming-Out Letter to my mom yesterday, 12 February 2009. I mailed it out today, the day after I wrote it. The mailman took it away just a few hours ago. Excerpts of that letter appear elsewhere here at Susan's Place.
Since I'm just a newbie, what could I possibly say? All of you know much more about this than I do. However, I'm rather older than many of you; hence, I do have more life experience because of that. I sent my letter because my mom is quite old, 79, and is rather ill. We're virtually estranged anyway, but she continuously tries to contact me. Given that, I elected to send it to her today. Time will tell. I'm not expecting much, really.
Girls, you inspire me. The general society may think of us as "Those Silly Trannies," but they are mostly ignoramuses. They really and truly are. Keep the faith.
Hugs!
Post Merge: February 13, 2009, 02:59:22 PM
Steph:
Briefly, I promise ... I just read your Coming-Out Letter. It's exacting, excellent and elegant. One thing you said "says it all" ...
"I've always known I was somehow gender-different, ever since I was very small. It's just the way I am, and I make no apologies for being this way. I cannot change this fact about me any more than I can change the fact that I have blue eyes and am right handed. I like who I am, and I know I am a better person for being this way."
Yes! You've spoken for most of us here! This is our declaration to The World! Thank you SO much!
May peace, love and happiness be yours always, Hun!
Hugs!
You are so welcome LaceyLynne, it's my pleasure. Glad i could help you :)
Steph
Hmmm, May God bless. I only got one member of the family that I have come in contact with since I started living full time 9 years ago. Oh I wrote all members of the family several letters to no avail, for the exception for one niece. She found me on Facebook.
So I am thankful for being in touch with at least one member of the family. For a timid person that wouldn't hurt a fly my family sure had their way of making me feel like I was some type of diseased creature from Ogden's swamp or something. I am not saying that is what they think, but it certainly feels like it. But why would anyone fear one measly little harmless person?
Steph I will certainly make it a point to wonder on over and check that letter every one has been appraising so highly.
Thank you
Cindy
Congratulations! I wish all parents were as understanding.
I know its been a few years since this post was submitted, But would anyone happen to have it saved so I can see a copy? Thanks If possible it can be emailed to Heathertv35@yahoo.com
Wow Steph,
That letter back from your parents was what I dream of with mine. I have only come out fully to my aunt (my Dad's twin sister) who knowing family , probably already slightly mentioned it to my Dad. But no other family member including my Aunt has spoke on it after I had wrote her an email after she said "I believe it's more than dysphoria". I even asked her "did you get my email"...she just said "yes". Maybe I had expectations..idk. I don't really expect everyone to understand it but I do want others to respect it. She has communicated with me after & even asked to come stay with me the last weekend this month so...we'll see. As for my Dad & stepmom...idk...at 32 y/o things are a little different than if I was dependent on them I would assume. I do think of them being embarrassed by me thou :(
i'm really afraid to tell my parents. i came out as lesbian in january 2010. since then i've been completely disowned by every single family member besides my aunt, her boyfriend, and their three girls. i'm not sure how to go about telling my mother. my dad is my step dad so i'm not too concerned with how he'll feel. but theyre all extremely religious. hence their abandonment thus far. anyone had similar experiences?
Wow, talk about an old thread popping back up. Steph's letter was a very appropriate way to handle the situation. I'm also glad to see that Steph is still around. She's one of my old virtual GF's and someone I would really like to meet in person some day.
I let my mother find out the old fashioned way... the grape vine. I never did get a chance to tell her on my own. It was a most disturbing time in my life.
Dear: Stephanie Craxford, Thattook a lot of guts congrats. May be (just a suggtion) you should take the lead and call her? Keep up the good fight love U Plauge Stay toasty
That's such an amazing response i'm so happy for you!
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. To know that you waited for a response and got a wonderful one made the wait worth wild. Congrats
Hi Steph :) just curious if I could see what you wrote I'm still freaking out how to tell my parents all my brothers and sisters know but my mom Is religious so it's been tough anyway just curious have a wonderful day :angel:
Dear Stephanie, You and the other girls have had great anguish over this and I feel compassion. My relationship with my Mother is [what?] strange. She was born in 'priviledge' and got pregnant with me at 17; she rejected my 'sperm donor' and I don't even know his name. I understand she was rebellious, passionate, and head strong. She left and I was born in New Orleans. After trying to survive on other jobs, she became a dancer. I always felt, very young, I was a girl. Maybe because women were always in our house, and their children. It was because of my situation that me, beginning to dress as a girl to play dolls with my BFF Angela - a child with who I was constantly babysitted with, we just want to be pretty like Barbie's or believe it or not, our Mother before they went to 'work.' My Mom tried to get me to stop, but..long story. She gave up, so I could always dress as a girl at home. It was in that wild New Orleans atmosphere and being taken as Angie and I were older, TO THE BACK, away from the stage, etc. to study, that we were able to learn things, like two doors down was a 'Female Impersonator' club "Illusions". That is where (forgive me) by 12, I was able with Angie's help, to steal a large box of female hormones, anti-angrogens, etc. My Mother didn't care what I did.
I, by 14, had to be 'homeschooled' (what a joke) because (happily) I was developing breasts. DO NOT DO THIS, BECAUSE I HAD A LITTLE LIVER DAMAGE. I don't drink or drug, and after my SRS at 18, I became a hair stylist. I love being around other women (and you can by chatting, get dates with men! Now, a little older, I stay within my own standards - I am a 'proper' (I guess) young woman and Never think of myself as 'trans-anything'. I am just a woman that had a birth-defect, and today, as everyone tells me, a pretty - not 'gorgeous' young woman. But in no way do I look male or sound like one. I'm just happy to be a feminine young woman with a boyfriend! of eight months!
Back to Stephanie, I'm happy for you, and feel for others, but hopefully people - especially today - will more understand gender dysphoria and help. Hearts, Michelle
This is a sticky topic with a catchy title.
It looks like I can add my pair of emails.
My mom and I are exchanging emails regularly. To write my message, I just continued in a thread after her email that was telling me I just got the biggest chunk of her time alone perhaps for the rest of our days. I took that time for myself. I avoided mentioning medical theory about prenatal hormonal balance because there was no quick way to also tell her I don't blame her. And I didn't need it in the end.
Spoiler: this is one happy conversation so far.
This is my message. I wrote it before sleep, and posted it after I woke up since I still felt like doing it.
QuoteIt is time we had one secret less between us. I do not believe we will soon have more time for this than we have now, and this is something I want to share with you first.
You had one wish while you were carrying me in your womb. And I believe something decided to grant it.
Since kindergarten I felt like a girl. I still feel like a woman.
Since January 2015 I live as one.
I fought it for long, until I decided too much life was wasted away. I found my happiness being like this. I hope you will join me in accepting it and in enjoying nice things.
This is still me. The same person you know. Now I am without the mask I was dragging since my first conscious years. In the kindergarten they roughened me up enough when I came out first. It took this long to confide in you.
My wish is that you accept me as, and call me your daughter. I look better than you probably think :) especially now that I reduced weight; and it will only get better. Maybe it is time for you to join Facebook? I will gladly help you with it, so you can be the first person that sees my real account there.*
I love you mom.
Write me. Join me in the rest of my life.
QuoteMy dear child.
I am so surprised by what you just wrote. I am asking myself how didn't I notice, what kind of mother am I...If that is how you feel and if that is your choice, and you are independent and mature enough to know what you want, I am with you. Male or female, you will always be my child...
[long, personal part, not about me only, she might adopt one orphaned young woman as daughter, because she always wanted one; now she realized she'll have two]
* - From the circle of people she knows, of course.
Congratulations wish I was able to give this a thumbs up :)
Quote from: stephanie_craxford on November 02, 2005, 04:20:46 PM
Two weeks or so ago I plucked up the courage to come out to my mom after successfully coming out to just about everyone else. She's pretty well the last one to know (I know, I know, maybe she should have been the first, but I had my reasons :)) It took me quite a while to finally write a letter that I could live with and one which I though would explain things to her without getting too technical about the whole thing.
So... over two weeks and no reply, no phone calls... she lives in England so that may be part of the delay. She may also be taking care to write her own reply. But then she may also be too shocked to bother. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, my mom and I were never close, but I still love her, but then maybe the distance between us is a factor as well. Who knows, I'll just have to wait and see, as my life continues.
If anyone is interested I can send, or post a copy of the letter. It may serve as a starting point for others who are contemplating writing similar letters, and it could serve as a good example, or a bad example :D.
Chat later,
Steph
[edit]These two topics were merged by Susan[/edit]
I know this post is very old but can you plz send me the letter you sent your mother....I plan on doing the same but wanna example of someone who has done this
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Quote from: jaclynbehaclyn on December 09, 2017, 08:22:34 PM
I know this post is very old but can you plz send me the letter you sent your mother....I plan on doing the same but wanna example of someone who has done this
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Hi, Jaclyn!
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This is a very old thread, and there is a good chance that the original poster is no longer active here. You can find other sample letters in the Family and Friends secion of our WIki: https://www.susans.org/wiki/Category:Family_and_friends (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Category:Family_and_friends).
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Omg thxxxxx I really appreciate it[emoji5][emoji5][emoji5]
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How do I contact the moderator to change my name...??? Please help
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