My husband came out as a transgender female a few months ago. Although I have tried to get over it, I just can't do it yet.
I'm not OK with it although I want to be. So I looked around and found this place and was hoping to find answers if nothing else. My main question would be do wives of transgender females ever become accepting of their spouse new chosen gender?
Are there other wives like me that are having a hard time coming to terms with this?
All I see is doom and gloom. My husband doesn't see that. I can't stop crying even after all this time so I think it may be time for me to get some type of help.
New York City people please suggest institutions or sites online that would be available to spouses.
I'm not looking to get bashed for not going along with my husband's transition. I'm just looking for help (for myself) at this point. My husband doesn't want to answer questions I have so I'm afraid that he has either found someone else that's more accepting of him or is just not willing to help me understand whats going on with him.
Thank you :(
While I'm not able to directly comment on this issue, I have spent a lot of time on this forum and seen similar posts. I've seen posts indicating that some significant others do accept their partner but most do not. Many of the ones that are accepted end up in a relationship that is vastly different than what they had. After unless your bisexual, your now in a relationship with someone of a gender that you aren't interested in. In some cases the relationship more or less stayed the same. I think in most of the best of cases they split up, but remain friends afterword and supportive to their ex.
Thank you for your reply.
I'm not bisexual. At least I don't think that I am.
Rosa
Hi and welcome! You can check out my past posts for me being more long-winded... :) But the short story is that my wife transitioned 5 years ago now, and I was about where you are when it was only a few months in - crying constantly, miserable, stressed out, and terrified - but we're still happily married now. So, yes, it can be done. (In fact, the largest study on trans people to date shows that about 50% of relationships survive, and I personally know quite a few where the couple is still romantically involved and bonded after transition. There's even a handful of straight women in that group; they redefined their orientation to have one *very specific* exception, because nobody gets to define your orientation but you. However, that is definitely a much harder road to travel.)
My primary advice early on is not to worry too much about the future if you can, and try to focus on coping with what's on your plate right now; if you can still say that you genuinely want to be with your spouse for the time being, that's answer enough *for now.*
What sticks out to me about your post, though, is that your spouse is not interested in helping you. I have to say, that's usually a bad sign - transition or not, lack of communication and failure to be considerate and take your wife's needs into account is a problem! Hopefully he'll get over it when he's past the initial stages himself, but you do have a right to your own feelings, and to make it clear to him that he needs to meet you more than halfway on this. The problem is that early transition can be a really selfish stage, when the trans person is so focused on how happy this makes them that they're ignoring everyone around them.
I'm afraid I don't have any good NY resources (though I agree that you looking for therapy and other help for yourself is wise!), but I can send you a PM with links to some online support groups on FB, G+, and Yahoo! if you want. You won't be able to reply to the PM unless you have 15 posts, but that's OK; I won't expect you to.
Good luck, and yes, even though it can get better - in the meantime, feel free to vent here!
awilliams, you mean well, but please, don't contribute to the doom and gloom. :)
Broken-hearted
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There are a few here that should have information to help. We have a spouse boards that i would recommend that you check out. It truly is hard on both of you in the relationship being neither one wishes the marriage to end. Communication that is honest would be my suggestion of support. I wish you both find happiness.
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My wife and I are together still. She used to post on here, but really hasn't been on in forever because she says and seems to have accepted me.
Her username is dragonfly if you want to search for her posts.
To be honest I feel like coming out as a transsexual woman has been less of an impact on our marriage than my struggles with Bipolar, Generalized anxiety, and PTSD.
Thank you all for taking time to answer my post. I appreciate it. I don't go online much (at least not as much as my husband). So I may take a little time to respond. I also work full time and have some small children at home.
I think the worst part of this happening is that the kids are so young. I wonder how their father's transformation will impact their development. I don't think that's unfair or even wrong to ask that. Is it?
My personality has always been to put others first and put my needs and wants aside. But this is going to take some getting used to.
Before I go on I have to mention my husband is the love of my life. When he is happy usually I am happy. What changed for me not to be happy now? He changed. Or is in the process of changing. He doesn't even look like himself anymore. At least not to me.
He's known about his disposition ALL of his life (so says he). I understand that's the case with so many struggling with this. But I just found out recently. Don't I need time to come to terms with this?
Blueconstancy: I know you said try not to think about the future. That's all I ever do. I never really learned how
to live for just today. Maybe I can try that and see how it might improve things.
I have more to say but I will do that later. Thank you again :)
Broken-hearted : I should probably admit now that I was terrible at taking my own advice at the time. :) Which is how I learned that borrowing trouble when you already have enough is hell on earth...
I don't think anything you've asked is unfair or wrong or unreasonable. (I do know of several couples with young kids and the children all adapted well, if that is any help; in most cases, they did better than the adults at adjusting and moving on! The younger they are, the easier it seems to be for them to forget anything was ever different.) It's natural for you to be worried about your kids during a time of upheaval and fear.
One theme that I see repeated a lot is what you've said here : you have not had much time to get used to all of this, *especially* considering how long he's known. Yes, absolutely, he needs to take into account that right now he's running off full speed into a future you only realized existed a few weeks ago, and one which makes him blissfully happy at the same time as it causes you pain and fear. Not only do we need enough time to catch up to where our trans partners started off, we may need MORE time than they did to come to terms with the revelation, since it is not a joyous one for us.
Another thing I'll stress again is the importance of putting yourself first sometimes. I know that's a hard thing to do, and that women especially are taught to focus on other people's needs... but if you're a wreck, you won't be much help to anyone, either. So even from a purely pragmatic standpoint, it's not entirely selfish to care for yourself first (and honestly, some selfishness can be good, if it keeps someone from unraveling). You've just discovered that there's a fundamental thing that makes him happy but does *not* make you happy, and that's perfectly understandable and reasonable, but it's OK to feel like it rocked the foundations of your existence sometimes to learn that.
Most of all, you're doing the best you can. Don't let anyone tell you that politics (telling you that you're against trans people, etc.) is more important in this than your own life; we can support trans people in general while still being miserable about living through the specific circumstances of our own relationships. You are not a bad person for being unhappy, and you won't be a bad person even if you can't keep this marriage together. Sometimes it happens, and it's tragic, but it's no one's fault.
Broken Hearted, The fact that you are here and seeking answers, that you want to be okay with this and the fact the you haven't knocked him upside the head speaks well of you. (Attempt at a little levity.)
Welcome and I don't think anyone here would give you a hard time about not being okay with his transitioning. As others have mentioned, he's been dealing with this for a long time and you just a short time. Acceptance may come in time. You haven't mentioned if he is seeing a therapist. If she is, (using the correct pronoun) you can tell her you want to be supportive, find it difficult yet, but would you be able to visit with the therapist too? A good gender therapist should be able to help you understand better, plus there are a lot of terrific resources here and on the internet to help you understand what being transgender is about.
As for the children. The world is changing rapidly and children today are growing up in a much more accepting world of gender fluidity, and the younger they are, it seems the better they may be able to handle the change. Chances are, if they are very young, there may be a transgender child in their class by the time they start school. Again a good therapist can help give you guidance in helping them accept the change.
The fact that your husband is the love of your life and that you want to help him means you may have a good chance of working through this together. The reason he may be uncommunicative is that he doesn't want to upset you more either. To work through this will require good communication. My therapist suggested that I bring my wife along sometime too, which is why I made the recommendation. Transition isn't easy in the first place, but together, you just may be able to make it work.
Wish I could give you a big hug because I know you've got to be hurting and scared. Please stick around and you'll find that most transpeople are just pretty normal people with a brain that doesn't match up to their body. Many SO's say that their spouse often times becomes a much better, happier person, and nicer to be around once they begin transition. And as others have said, you need to take some time to look out for you too.
Wishing you the best.
Hugs,
Quote from: awilliams1701 on December 10, 2014, 12:28:45 PM
While I'm not able to directly comment on this issue, I have spent a lot of time on this forum and seen similar posts. I've seen posts indicating that some significant others do accept their partner but most do not. Many of the ones that are accepted end up in a relationship that is vastly different than what they had. After unless your bisexual, your now in a relationship with someone of a gender that you aren't interested in. In some cases the relationship more or less stayed the same. I think in most of the best of cases they split up, but remain friends afterword and supportive to their ex.
I wanted to thank you again for your reply. I had time to reread your post and realized that I looked over something important:
Quote
Many of the ones that are accepted end up in a relationship that is vastly different than what they had.
This is one on the things that has been bothering me since all of this started. What becomes of us? Granted, we never had a perfect relationship. He's always been a selfish person but I've always been the one to look past selfishness and move forward. These last few months I've noticed a change in me. I can't take it like I used to. I'm wondering if it's all the extra stress I'm under that's influencing my behavior. So in a sense, we already have a "different" relationship.
I'd like to address that because I was also terrified by the "you'll become like sisters" and whatnot... We have a different relationship, yes. Part of that is just that growing older together does that; we also have a different relationship than when we were 19, or 25, or 30. But more importantly, she has more sympathy for the ->-bleeped-<- I've had to deal with being perceived as a woman in our society, she does more chores, she is more emotionally available and explicitly supportive - it's not all good stuff (she's also a lot easier to upset these days), but it's not all BAD, either. There's always the hope, for example, that your spouse might start to internalize all the "women take care of others and put themselves last" messages you have, and start trying to put *you* first.
Which, admittedly, would be a nice change from the status quo. As is you becoming a bit more assertive, because you deserve to be.
Seeing as you live in NYC like me, there is a big LGBT center and they have many support groups.
Here's one for families and friends of transgender people: https://gaycenter.org/calendar?cgid=4&ceid=1995&cerid=0&cdt=12%2f3%2f2014
Unfortunately, it's only once per month and next one isn't until after New Year's.
Thanks Marcellow. I want help and support. More importantly, I want to be there for my spouse eventhough I'm not doing a good job of it right now.
Quote from: blueconstancy on December 15, 2014, 11:27:48 AM
I'd like to address that because I was also terrified by the "you'll become like sisters" and whatnot... We have a different relationship, yes. Part of that is just that growing older together does that
My spouse said something similar. "We could always become BEST FRIENDS. Uh, news flash aren't we already best friends? At least that's what you tell people. As for me, I do believe that my spouse is my best friend. I want something more though. This part always makes me break down crying: he promised me my lawfully wedded husband. Now I won't have a husband anymore. Just a best friend that's anything but. >:( :(
Broken-hearted : Oh, honey. That's not a good way to present it at all, no. I used to cry over the sisters thing, too. Indeed, you've always been best friends, but you want a *spouse.*
You won't have a husband anymore; you might, if you're fortunate enough that he's willing to pay attention to you before he loses you, end up with a wife. I miss having a husband sometimes too, if I'm brutally honest. But I do appreciate that I still have a spouse - not ONLY a best friend - who is in many respects better than that husband was. However, I sure as heck hope he listened to you when you tried to explain that best friends isn't the same thing as romantic partner, and you're heartbroken at the thought of losing that.
(Oh, and a note on pronouns for everyone reading : it used to be like a knife to the heart to hear "she" before I was ready for it. I respect the trans person's gender, but in this SO's space and when the person in question isn't reading, I'm going to use the pronouns that a given SO finds least painful.)
Yes. I want a spouse and a best friend. Is that too much to ask? I know some of us are lucky to have either. We had so many dreams and hopes together.
But actions speak louder than words.
While I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the changes if I even ask simple questions like how are you feeling today? Or have you noticed any changes yet (he just started HRT within the last month) I get responses that aren't nice along with the shifty eyes. For example, "why?" Or "why do you care?" Or "what made you ask that question" or "you don't have to worry about that"
No matter what, I've have always been a caring person, so the how are you feeling today is a normal question to ask. In other words I ask because I care.
Quote from: blueconstancy on December 15, 2014, 11:27:48 AM
I'd like to address that because I was also terrified by the "you'll become like sisters" and whatnot... We have a different relationship, yes. Part of that is just that growing older together does that; we also have a different relationship than when we were 19, or 25, or 30. But more importantly, she has more sympathy for the ->-bleeped-<- I've had to deal with being perceived as a woman in our society, she does more chores, she is more emotionally available and explicitly supportive - it's not all good stuff (she's also a lot easier to upset these days), but it's not all BAD, either. There's always the hope, for example, that your spouse might start to internalize all the "women take care of others and put themselves last" messages you have, and start trying to put *you* first.
Which, admittedly, would be a nice change from the status quo. As is you becoming a bit more assertive, because you deserve to be.
Thank you BC for capturing what happens for so many of us. So far my wife and I are staying together (41+ yrs) and being out and politically active I get to meet many other couples in the same boat. The first time my wife introduced me as her wife I was surprised how good and right it felt.
Rosa I admire you for working at this and, in my experience, younger kids actually adapt easier than the teens who are so much more peer oriented. Also please know that most of us later transitioners really fought for this not to be our truth. Eventually a secret this big can become toxic and transitioning is the honest answer for many of us. No matter how distressing it is dysphoria does not go away with out treatment including counseling. HRT and other transitioning techniques are proven to be effective in helping us and literally do save lives.
It is obviously a major life change for you and i support your efforts to weigh this thoughtfully, thoroughly and yes, you deserve to be supported for being yourself too.
To be honest, the stress of worrying how will they be treated in school also weighs heavily on me. Some people are like, "get with the times" we can "get with the times" all we want but there is no guarantee that my LO's won't be teased or harassed or treated like aliens for lack of a better word. :(
As i read this i feel like i am hearing a recording of my own life. I have recently come out myself and i know my wife has not come to terms yet on understanding why or how i could do that and many of times i see her walking around with glazed look over her. I wish i could remove that pain that I have brought on to her. I wish things could have been different. I wish i could help her understand. She says she has questions when i ask her what they are she cannot put them in words. I want to be there to help her but some how i do not think she wants the help from me. She is still holding on the to past and she keeps trying to picture the future. I have told her i do not know what the future will hold and i just keep saying to her baby steps and one day at a time. I know she wants to talk to someone but has not been able to find many to talk to. But if you like to reach out to her she is on here too under the name of sadpanda I know as for myself and probally most of us on here. We never meant to hurt our love ones and what we did/do is not always something we had planed out. I just try to think that things happen for a reason. I would never ask someone to live unhappy and i hope others feel and wish the same for us. So understand some times you do have to look out for yourself. I have a saying. It is hard to help other be happy if you are not happy yourself.
Vicky
MtF
Broken-hearted : Yeah, the part where he brushes you off or is nasty/snappish is not good. And honestly, that's not even a trans thing per se; that's a "treat your partner well or you're going to have problems in your relationship" thing. I don't know why he's behaving like that, but you're not at all unreasonable for being unhappy about it, *especially* when he just dumped this bombshell on you.
Vicky : I've been talking to SadPanda too, in fact, and the offer to PM with links to other support groups goes for her as well. In the meantime, I'll say to you... Just as my wife felt as if she was transitioning at top speed because of the terrors chasing her, I felt like I'd been handcuffed to a speeding train. I loved her and wanted her to be happy even at the expense of my own short-term misery, but that didn't change the fact that I couldn't control my emotional response. Which brings me to some words of comfort for you that I still have to stay to her now and again : there's no reason to feel guilty for needing this, and if your wife chooses to stay and love you that is in fact her choice, not something you could (or should!) take responsibility for.
Quote from: Broken-hearted on December 15, 2014, 12:56:31 PM
To be honest, the stress of worrying how will they be treated in school also weighs heavily on me. Some people are like, "get with the times" we can "get with the times" all we want but there is no guarantee that my LO's won't be teased or harassed or treated like aliens for lack of a better word. :(
Yes, none of us can make any guarantees and so much depends on the people of your circle and community. For many of us our fears morph into something impossible to deal with. I thought I/we would be ostracized and run out of this rural area like the bride of frankenstein. The truth was that most people are either supportive or unconcerned. Our kids need our love and support and to recognize that will not change even as we all eventually do. There are tremendous resources out there and being in NYC gives you fantastic options for where and who you associate with. There are people for whom this is a normalized part of their lives and we get back to planning for holiday meals and who takes out the garbage this time;-)
Quote from: Jeneva on December 10, 2014, 04:48:22 PM
My wife and I are together still. She used to post on here, but really hasn't been on in forever because she says and seems to have accepted me.
Her username is dragonfly if you want to search for her posts.
To be honest I feel like coming out as a transsexual woman has been less of an impact on our marriage than my struggles with Bipolar, Generalized anxiety, and PTSD.
Jeneva, that's good to know that you guys are still together. I can't search now which is probably a good thing. If I start searching, I'll become addicted. Thank you.
My heart is still crushed and I don't know what to do or ask still. I'm trying to give my son a happy Christmas, even though I am hating the holidays season right now. Everyone else seems to be happy except us... I still have not sent out our Christmas cards. Sometimes I want to throw them away. I know the future cannot be predicted, but when you tell your wife that you flat out want to be a woman, that hurts to such a degree that I cannot even process it. I read my husband's posts and he thinks he's on the right path... What path? A path with out me it feels like. I don't want a roommate, a sister, a BFF or anything like that. I want my husband. I can deal with the clothes and certain hygiene practices, but going full time woman is something I cannot do. I will kill me inside and I have no way to deal with that.
SadPanda : So much sympathy. I had a Christmas like that, and it was horrible.
Unfortunately, if you can't tolerate being married to a woman (and don't see that changing) and your spouse can't live without transitioning... there isn't a good answer. All I can say is that I truly feel for you. I was able to cope with losing my husband so long as I kept my spouse, but that's me, and even knowing I was bisexual and OK with being married to a woman didn't make transition much less excruciating.
I want a happy medium. Some way of compromise. Some way where we can still be married. I just cannot get any kind of answers. It's all up in the air. I am never good with such uncertainty. He says he won't do surgery but the idea of full time dress is "a possibility." This bothers me so much.
Id like to know what can/can't he tolerate. He doesn't know.
SadPanda : Uncertainty is really, really tough, and erodes your mental stability over time. I'm so sorry you're living with that.
I hate to say it, but... reading back through Vicky's posts, I'm reminded of something I just said to a friend this past weekend. "If the only reasons someone has for not transitioning are external reasons [what will other people think, will it ruin my life, will I ever look good as my target gender], then eventually they are going to transition." I think you have to prepare for the worst from your perspective, that at the very least living full-time as a woman is on the table.
Why can there be no compromise though? I have sacrificed a lot in life as well. I put away so many of my wants, needs and dreams for the sake of others... for the sake of marriage and family. Do I regret this? Yes, but I would never uproot my marriage or family to do these things. Nothing is worth that. I love them too much.
SadPanda : Maybe there can be some compromise, and I obviously cannot speak for your spouse; some trans people do manage to compromise. Of course, your spouse has to know what they want before you both can compromise about it, and you're back to the dreadful gnawing uncertainty...
(My wife was desperate about transition. It became clear to me that if she put it off for too much longer, she might end up suicidal. So in my personal situation, I've never wanted anything as badly as she did this - and if I do now, I suspect she'll be 100% behind me doing it.)
Quote from: SadPanda on December 16, 2014, 10:02:22 AM
I want a happy medium. Some way of compromise. Some way where we can still be married. I just cannot get any kind of answers. It's all up in the air. I am never good with such uncertainty. He says he won't do surgery but the idea of full time dress is "a possibility." This bothers me so much.
Then your spouse is eventually going to go full time. We are giving you the answers you need to hear, there's a good possibility the marriage could go all up in smoke because a person's internal identity is something you can't exactly compromise forever and you're not willing under any circumstances to be with a woman. He might be willing to ease the choice for a while for your sake but eventually they will feel resentful and it's going to show in everyday life.
Quote from: SadPanda on December 16, 2014, 09:24:03 AM
My heart is still crushed and I don't know what to do or ask still. I'm trying to give my son a happy Christmas, even though I am hating the holidays season right now. Everyone else seems to be happy except us... I still have not sent out our Christmas cards. Sometimes I want to throw them away. I know the future cannot be predicted, but when you tell your wife that you flat out want to be a woman, that hurts to such a degree that I cannot even process it. I read my husband's posts and he thinks he's on the right path... What path? A path with out me it feels like. I don't want a roommate, a sister, a BFF or anything like that. I want my husband. I can deal with the clothes and certain hygiene practices, but going full time woman is something I cannot do. I will kill me inside and I have no way to deal with that.
SadPanda, I'm sorry and I know how you feel. :( ((hugs))
This has been so painful to deal with. Most of the time I feel like I'm dealing with a death. Does that make sense? I feel like the husband I knew and loved has moved on and I'm left behind to pick up all the pieces. I feel like I'm in mourning.
Quote from: Broken-hearted on December 19, 2014, 11:25:03 AM
SadPanda, I'm sorry and I know how you feel. :( ((hugs))
This has been so painful to deal with. Most of the time I feel like I'm dealing with a death. Does that make sense? I feel like the husband I knew and loved has moved on and I'm left behind to pick up all the pieces. I feel like I'm in mourning.
I am sending a big hug to you and SadPanda. It is likely that you are mourning the loss of your husband. That is what was explained to my wife by our therapist. I cry often knowing that she is going through this, but we both know, after spending decades of fighting dysphoria, that my well being is dependent on some form of transitioning. My wife and I plan to stick together because we deeply love each other, but are still working to overcome many challenges. As they say when climbing a mountain, you have many valleys and false peaks to get through before your reach the top.
This will be a very difficult time for both of you. Having a therapist is so important to help both of you to address mourning and loss in addition to coping with your new relationship post discovery. Please take good care of yourself.
SadPanda and Broken-hearted, I just want to offer my deepest sympathy and virtual hugs (:icon_hug:) as you deal with this difficult time. All of your feelings and worries are valid and reasonable, and I hope you can find a way to work through them with your spouses. This isn't the life you pictured and it isn't fair. I hope your spouses can understand that and give you the space and support you need.
Quote from: SadPanda on December 16, 2014, 10:04:21 AM
Id like to know what can/can't he tolerate. He doesn't know.
We are at the beginning stages too. In our case I believe he knows the answer to this only he doesn't want to share with me.
I should say that I know he discusses everything with his new friends, therapists, etc. he just not want to "deal" with me.
QuoteWe are at the beginning stages too. In our case I believe he knows the answer to this only he doesn't want to share with me.
I should say that I know he discusses everything with his new friends, therapists, etc. he just not want to "deal" with me.
That's just a bad sign for any relationship. Is couple's therapy an option? It sounds like you have communication and relationship issues to work through besides his transition. He needs to understand that if he wants a future with you that he needs to be open and honest and let you in.
Communication is key to any relationship, but it is VITAL during transition.
I've seen relationships in real life just dissolve because one side won't talk to the other.
Quote from: Jeneva on December 21, 2014, 12:49:46 PM
Communication is key to any relationship, but it is VITAL during transition.
I've seen relationships in real life just dissolve because one side won't talk to the other.
Jeneva, I know that, you know that, even he knows that. It's really sad because he says he knows he's supposed to talk to me but doesnt have a reason why he isn't.
I always ask him about that part of our relationship and sometimes he tells me things about me that he just made up saying, "well you said this..." And if I know it's untrue I will challenge him and ask when I said and what did I say? He will then remember what I said which is completely different from his version but exactly how I remembered things happening.
All joking aside, I think he has the wrong impression about me in his mind. I can't even explain this. How could a person store alternate versions of real events in there head?
This makes no sense to me. I want to make sense out of it but I can't.
Blueconstancy: do you still have the links to other support groups you mentioned in one of your previous posts?
Thank you!
Broken-hearted : I'm so sorry, I went on vacation for the holidays.
The main support groups I use are https://www.facebook.com/groups/Transmarriage/ , https://plus.google.com/communities/113055148953814149444 , http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/community/ , https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/engender_partners/info .
In addition, I'm a member of two "secret" Facebook groups, which means someone has to be invited to join by an existing member; I'm happy to do so, but I'd need you to PM me either your email address or FB account. (I'd never contact you or use that information except for the invite.)
Thanks so much Blueconstancy! I don't think I'm able to PM you since I'm blocked.
Huh. I wonder how that happened? I didn't even know that was a thing we could do. Anyway, I think I fixed my PM function. :) Sorry about that!!
You're as great as the blurb under your name! :)
Awww, I'm blushing. Just trying to be helpful!
I am in a similar place right now with my husband who is planning on transitioning. I love him more than anything in the world, but I'm unable to reconcile how I can stay with him if he is a woman. I'm heartbroken to be honest. I think we'll still be good friends after all is said and done, plus we've got a bunch of kids. This is the most difficult, heart-wrenching thing I've ever been through in my life. I told him that I've cried more in the past two months, than I've ever cried in my entire life.