Hi all,
I've been lurking here for the last couple weeks, and finally decided to create an account. Honestly I decided to create one after reading a post where someone was talking about ways of exploring ones gender, one of those being presenting as that gender online. So, I joined with a male name (not set in stone, just picked one that sounded nice from a list of baby boy names lol) and was hoping to get that blue M under my name, but I guess I have to wait to get that. It's kind of weird to me how much I want to see that blue M under my name lol. I'm FAAB, and I have been questioning my gender for the past couple months. It started when I was driving home from my internship one afternoon, and I was thinking out loud about my anxieties. I have had this fear of being gay for years, and I usually just try to push the thoughts away, but I wanted to see if I explore my thoughts in the safe environment of being alone in my car, and deal with what ever came up. What I realized is that fear of being gay was a cover for fear of being butch...or acting masculine. I heard myself saying that there is a boy inside of me. My first instinct was to try to shut the thoughts down, but I tried to tell myself it's ok. After that episode, I started doing research on gender identity (which I've had some education on and done research on in the past), and found the term androgyne. I was and am still thinking that I might be non-binary or genderfluid, but I'm not sure. This past week I've wondering if I might be more male-identified then I think. It's kind of felt like I have unlatched a flood gate. It's all happening so quickly, and I'm not sure how real all my thoughts and feelings about my gender identity are. I've been kind of obsessively reading about gender lately, and I'm not quite sure if that is resulting in me thinking I'm less cis than I am, or if it's the result of me being less cis and just trying to absorb now that I have given myself the opportunity (can't get enough of it kind of thing).
Childhood wise, I was shirtless in the summer as a little kid, always wanted to be like my brother (didn't have any other siblings though), I hated dresses and when my mom would make me wear girly stuff like frilly socks or maryjanes. One summer I wore boy boxers as shorts all summer. In 6th grade I had a pair of baggy cargo pants that I bought with my christmas money I loved to death (quite literally). As I got older, I felt the pressure to be girly always seem to err to the neutral side of things, trying to feel comfortable with looking "cool" but still female vs girly. I've never really felt comfortable being feminine although I can do it if it's expected. Part of the pressure as I became a teenager is that my mom and brother started calling me gay as an accusation and insult, and it felt scary and hurtful, so I tried to be as safe as possible in presentation. Even at my girliest in high school, I still avoided skirts/dresses like the plague.
Sexuality wise, I've come to realize that I am attracted to both guys and girls, but the thought of interacting with an anatomically female body makes me very uncomfortable. Not sure what to make of that. I find guy on guy porn super hot, not sure what to make of that either.
I'm thinking about ordering a binder tomorrow and buying a couple of guys pants and seeing how that feels. Fanscinating but I have spent my whole life feeling anxious, and attributing it to things like hearing loss, ptsd, social anxiety, home situation, etc, and have always felt like I was on a stage performing when I interact with people. When I used to drink I disliked being anything more than tipsy because I was afraid that I wouldn't act right. I always thought I just had social anxiety or was self conscious. I would feel like people wouldn't like me or that they only like me because I'm doing a good job at interacting (I did it right). When I was driving home and had that realization and told myself it's ok to be both, my anxiety with other people pretty much vanished the next day. It was so amazing to me, and I would have never made that connection otherwise. I'm still amazed, after living with it for so long. I notice now that I have eliminated the social piece and that I'm paying attention with a open mindset that I have been experiencing agitation about my appearance, feeling like things aren't right, and I'm thinking that's dysphoria? I've been interested in body modification (piercings, etc) since I was in high school, and I'm thinking now that I took the need to change and funneled it into that as a hobby that I thought was more acceptable. I've been feeling uncomfortable with my chest for many years, and I once again always attributed it to other causes. I think buying a binder will help me figure that out. I've been researching top surgery the last couple days, and it sounds so appealing to me. I don't know about T and whatnot, the more masculine facial features, muscle gain, and fat changes would be nice, but I'm not sure I'd like any of the other effects.
So, that's where I'm at right now. Sorry for the rambling and long winded intro. It feels good to get this out though. I haven't talked to anyone about any of this and I'm not sure I can without opening up a can of worms.
Hey Jaiden!
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Thanks for sharing about yourself. Your experiences share a lot in common with many of the trans guys on the forum, you should right at home here!
Please check out the following links for general site info...
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Cheers
Grace
Thank you Grace for the warm welcome, and for taking the time to read all that :P I appreciate your comment about the similarity of my experiences to other ftm, and I'm glad to be here.
Welcome to the family, Jaiden <3 We're always happy to welcome new members to our family <3
Welcome to the club!
I can relate to the fear of getting drunk (losing control), and to the social anxiety mysteriously disappearing once realizing I was simply afraid of being my true self.
It really is like opening a floodgate. Just keep researching, keep exploring yourself, and enjoy the ride. You're going to learn so many new things about yourself.
Thank you Laura and Luca for your warm welcomes :) I realize that probably was a weird way to introduce myself, but I don't know, I felt I needed to. Your responses make me feel grateful and accepted. I bared my soul and you accepted me. I really appreciate that. I don't think I have ever experienced that before.
I'm not quite sure where to go from here, but I found myself picking a fight with my S.O. of 6 years yesterday, because I want to tell him but I have been reading enough here to know that that will probably cause the end of our relationship. Maybe not immediately but I don't think he would stay with me if my appearance became masculine. I figured I might as well drive him away now instead of telling him. I'm going to visit my parents, etc. for the holidays, and I realize that much of my anxiety around seeing them comes from the "social anxiety" I was talking about. I feel like I have to put on an act and appearance in order to avoid them pressuring, criticizing, or even yelling at me. Even now, with a fully female presentation. I can see my mom now, telling me we aren't going out to dinner unless I "put something nice on" and wear contacts. I don't want to though. I just want to dress however I feel comfortable doing that day. I feel like I have the potential to lose everyone who means something to me if I tell them.
Jaiden,
With your social anxiety, I feel the same. I suffer from it too <3 A lot of people in my life don't know about the real me, and I find myself arguing with my SO about who I am a lot. If I ever went trans, I'd lose her etc.
My advice to you would be to get to know some people :) Join the chat, post on the forums, feel free to message anyone at 15 posts. I myself am happy to talk to you if you need advice <3
Hello Jaiden and welcome to Susan's.
:)
Thanks Gennee :)
Laura, I appreciate your comments. I for some reason assume that you all commenting have it all figured out :P You sound strong and I'd never thought you have experiences with anxiety and RL people and whatnot. I will try to reach out around here, it's really hard for me to do, but I appreciate the guidance and I know your right. Thanks for the offer, I'll take you up on that when I hit 15 posts :)
Jaiden, I know how you feel. :) I live with my parents, and they don't know who I really am, nor does most of the people I know. You might find it easier here because it's anonymous, and you can really be yourself. Rereading your first post, I can sorta agree how you feel. I hate the male anatomy, and I find it horrible to think about it. Hense why I've turned lesbian, becoming me :) I'm only 19, so if you're young, like me, you might be able to relate to me more <3
Laura, thanks for the reassurance :) I hope we can both figure out how to get to be ourselves in RL...and without too much disruption. I'm 27, so a bit older than you, but I'm happy that you've gotten the chance to figure this out at your age :) I even though I don't live with my parents, I still feel an obligation to conform. More so with my bf, since he's such a major part of my life though. I ordered a underworks tri-top binder yesterday, hopefully I got the size right. I'm also looking at getting a unisex watch from amazon. I really want to go to the store and figure out my sizing for guys' jeans, but I don't want to raise any suspicion...small steps. I'm going to try to use this forum as a place to be myself though and explore more, like you said. Thanks for making so much sense :D
Sizing is really easy for jeans. At the moment, I'm quite big, at a 5"9' height. In the UK, that translates to 36,32 (Waist, legs)
Maybe I'm making it harder than it is :-\ According to the internet cis guys' waists are generally the same as their hips, so I can't figure out if I'm supposed to go with my hip measurement instead since that's larger than my waist. BUT I don't know where they are supposed to sit so if it's based on where you wear them at, I need to try a bunch on first so I get a feel for it. I keep looking at all the cool jeans online, but I can't order them til I know, so I'm getting antsy about wanting to go to the store lol.
I told my bf today that I wanted to buy some guy jeans, and his first response was "oh yea, I've worn women's jeans before." The conversation took a turn to after he joked that we could pick out a dress together, after I told him I'd support him if he wanted to wear girly stuff. He didn't believe me so I told him about this guy I knew in college that crossed dressed one night for rocky horror, and he said "that's ->-bleeped-<-ed up" :( I told him that if he was saying that's ->-bleeped-<-ed up then isn't he also calling me wanting to wear guy pants ->-bleeped-<-ed up? He got a good heart though. It worked out though, and we went to target and he helped me figure out my pants size and went to the fitting room with me. He was kind of raving about them and said they look really nice on me :) He actually encouraged me to go with a 34 instead of a 32 so they'd be a little baggier. I washed them as soon as I got back, so now I'm just waiting for them to finish drying lol. SO so happy. It couldn't have gone better. I have a pair of boy jeans now *happydance* :) I also order a pair of men's dc shoes, and men's black champion sweatshirt, underarmor socks and a timex watch (it was really hard to find something 1. inexpensive 2. manly without being too big for my tiny wrist). It's like now that I've started I just want to switch everything over NOW. I have a women's pixie haircut already, and I cut my "sideburns" off earlier so the haircut would look a little more boyish. I know I need to slow down a bit so I don't end up doing an overnight presentation change (and freak up the boyfriend) but it's hard to lol. It's been a good day.
I'm very proud of you Jaiden! It's good that your SO is supportive ^^ Mine isn't, so you're lucky there <3
Thanks ;D I'm pretty proud for myself too. I actually decided they were a bit big for me last night. The bagginess was setting off my dysphoria I think. I had a hard time going to sleep last night because I was so bothered by how they fit..that it wasn't correct. I was determined to go exchange them this morning, which I did. I also saw that Gap was have a 50% on 4+ items sale, so I went there this afternoon with my SO and got four pairs of pants for just over $100. I'm super happy with them, and now have a pair of khakis for my internship. I ended up returning the target jeans this evening (lol) since the Gap ones fit so much better. I really want to get some boxers but I'm going to wait a little while on that so I don't raise any suspicions.
It's weird I've been feeling kind of emotionally vulnerable since all this started (the last week or two). Like I'm sensitive to criticism or lack of support. I think I'm worried and hypersensitive to any signs that this is going to blow up in my face. On the other hand, I feel like I finally really do not care what people think of me. I don't care if they think I'm dressed weird, walk weird, talk weird, look gay, whatever. I used to always say I didn't care what people think, but I really did and always felt like I had to pass some test all the time. This feels too good for me to put strangers and acquaintances opinions first. I plan on wearing my pants when I go to see my parents, and I know my mom is going to give me hell, but I don't care :) The other weird thing is to realize that I do have dysphoria and I actually understand what it is/feels like now. I think before I attributed those feelings other other things. It's so much clearer now and simple...well at least in that way it is.
I hope it's ok that I'm continuing to post in this thread even though it's an intro thread. I wasn't sure if making a new thread(s) made sense to just share my experience. I'm really glad I can share this with you all though, it means a lot to me to join in this forum.
Hi Jaiden, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. We're an all ages site, you have to watch the strong language. See you around the forums!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hey Jaiden -
First off Welcome!
Secondly, I'm pretty new to this, like you, so when I read your post I feel like i'm going through similar stuff. I joined up here for similar reasons to you. I wanted a place where I could be myself, my real self, without any judgement. I don't have a S.O. but I do have friends that do the "turn this conversation into a joke" thing. So I get that. Though I haven't seriously tried to come out to anyone yet.
Also I know what you mean about getting excited and wanting to change everything all at once too. If only I had the funds! :)
And yeah, I'm still a newb, but if you ever wanna chat feel free to PM me.
Hey, thanks for responding you two, I appreciate it. I actually did check this a couple weeks ago, but I was at my parents house and kind of going though hell. It helped to read them even if I seem disengaged because of how long it took me to respond. I kind of withdrawal sometimes, and I hate that about myself.
Devlyn, I grew up in MA a couple hours from Boston. Thanks for sharing :) I'm sorry if I used any inappropriate language, I didn't intend to, and I'll be mindful of the all ages thing.
Abe, thanks for your words :) It's nice to read that someone else can relate to my experience. I kind of stop updating this thread too because I figured it probably wasn't helping anyone, and I was kind of convinced that I was clogging up the board with thoughts that either everyone has and has read a thousand times before OR that no one has these thoughts and think I sound strange.
It's probably for the best that I don't have the funds to change everything at once, it would be tempting! I've been binding regularly and have delegated most of my feminine clothes to the back of my closet and segregated my dresser drawers lol. I bought a whole bunch of button down shirts and sweaters. I've gotten some weird looks but always get gendered female. Oh well. The clothes help me a lot though. I'm terrified of taking it to the next step though (i.e. change name/pronouns, get a therapist, t, surgery, come out, etc). I keep trying to get myself to call the sexual well-being center here since they have gender therapists but I can't seem to do it. I'm glad this forum is here though, or else all these thoughts would just stay bottled up in my head, since I can't talk to anyone about it. I appreciate the offer to chat, Abe :) I'll definitely take you up on that soon. And if for some reason I don't, please pm me :p I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences as well.
I'm in Weymouth.
Very cool, my brother went to school in the Braintree area when we were kids for a couple years. I grew up on the cape.
I lived in Wareham for eight years, the Gateway to Cape Cod.
Welcome Jaiden! ^-^ ^-^
<3
Hi Jaiden :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Thanks you two :):)