So the yesterday I was at a social justice meeting, and something we did was write down five identities that we feel we like are important to us. I wrote down trans, women, atheist, queer, and rurally raised. the thing is I kinda felt like I was lying when I wrote down woman. Later we ended up dropping all of the identities but 2, and I dropped the women one along with atheist and queer ones, leaving rurally raised and trans as the ones I kept. Eventually we ended up discussing what ones we wanted to go into a caucus were we discussed shared interest based on the identity we chose to represent us. there were five differen caucuses: cis, people of color, trans*, parents, and trans women. I ended up going to the trans women one, but not because I felt like that is the one that fit me best, but because I felt external pressure for some reason (no-one applied it but it was more internalized pressure).
I feel like I may have been saying I am a trans women all along because I felt like it was the surest way to get hormones and because it is easier to describe, but I am really starting to feel like trans women isn't the best fit for me. The thing is I really do want a female appearance, just I am not sure if being a women is right. I think being trans non binary is a better fit for me.
I still like she and her for pronouns, but I think if I were to check a gender on a form, given 3 options (male, female, and other) I think I would feel best choosing other. this is something I have been struggling with for awhile and I am finally starting to feel more comfortable with the idea of me being outside of the binary so I just thought I would share.
Also I still plan on transitioning just it would be mts (male to something) instead of mtf.
I feel like you over think it way too much. It isn't weird you don't fully stand behind being a woman yet, that needs time after living as a male for a long time. Having a female appearance and wanting to have a body of a woman and called her, she, etc, shows to me you are a trans woman who can think outside the box.
But those are just my two cents D: I hope you can figure it out for yourself but then again, I don't think it all matters that much :P.
My therapist discourages my trying to label my gender. What's important is how I want to live and how I want to present, she tells me. No two people experience their gender in the exact same way, so trying to apply general labels can be futile.
My therapist encourages me to be what I want to be. We talk about steps to transition and a lot of it is fitting into the female role. But that is only because I want to. For example I want to join YLRL and SWE. I've always wanted to be a part of those two organizations.
Yea I feel like I fit into non binary better then the binary. Though I would be ok with people who dont know me to perceive me as a women. I honestly feel better viewing myself as neither a man or a women.
Though when I come out to people its probably gonna make even less sense to them now. Oh well :p