TRIGGER WARNING. contains suicidal content and self harm references, and also alot of swearing.
i may be selfish but at least i can be considerate.
im breaking.
i cant take this anymore.
my mom isnt letting me come and see her for christmas eve unless i can act like her daughter.
i dont get to see my mother over the holidays.
she said she'll bring the presents over here but i couldnt give a damn about the presents!
i just want my mom! i want her to be there and to love me and support me!
shes always been strange, and has a personality disorder thats not being taken care of, but i never knew until yesterday that she had a problem with me being trans.
her and my grandma are saying that im messing up my little brother, and he gets punished everytime he uses the right name and pronouns. hes only 7, and im ruining him. he was too little i shouldnt have even told him anything and .
YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULDNT HAVE SAID ANYTHING. Maybe i could have been happy living as a girl after all ive been pretending for who knows how long
im getting in trouble because my grandma is telling me that because of me someones going to go after my mom and take my brother away.
what the hell is wrong with me. i dont want to be this way i dont want to be me anymore.
everyone in my family is saying im being selfish and not taking into account how anyone else feels, and i tell my mom once that i have dysphoria and using the wrong name makes me feel that way and im selfish!
i just wanted to tell my mom why i cant handle being called my birthname. i just wanted to be able to talk to her about how i feel, she tells me to come to her about anything but then pulls this bull->-bleeped-<-!
im disgusting. this whole thing is just awefull. god, why do i have to be such a horrible person i dont understand them saying that i dont think about anyone else.
nothingfs comprehending properly.
ive been fighting to just stay alive, literally, through the holidays. saying that if i can just make it through they can lock me back in the psych ward afterwards.
but i just cant take this. i want to die. the world would be better off witout me. my only purpose here is singing and helping other people and theonly person ever going to here my music is my youtube channel and i cant even help my ->-bleeped-<-ing self!
my brother would be safe, i wouldnt be around for them to worry about "how to handle" me being trans.
they could remember me as whoever because once im dead ill be free. my soul is male all the other spirits would see that.
i would be the ghost that haunts places by wailing out in despair.
I WANT YOU TO HEAR ME I DONT CARE ANYMORE.
but i cant do this. i cant go on like this. and i cant even tell my parents im feeling suicidal because thats selfish!
im disgusting. honestly posting this is such a stupid idea, but what the hell no one noticed when i did it before why the <not allowed> should they care now.
I HATE THIS.
i wanna die
just dissapear.
i want to self harm, but i made a promise to myself.
and i never break my promises.
suicide is selfish.
im borderline not even caring anymore.
every one will get over me, it isnt much of a loss anyways its gonna be a relief that they dont have to deal with all my bull->-bleeped-<- anymore.
i dont care that im a selfish bitch.
i just cant live this life anymore.
not like anyone cares, ive posted like this before and gotten barley any support on here and actually thats the reason i chose to post this one, because i know no ones gonna see it nor is anyone gonna care what im posting so honestly theres a point to doing it because there is no point in doing it.
but im staying alive until christmas. after the 25th i have no clue whats going to happen.
One day at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a a time.
You are not ruining your brother's life.
You are not responsible for your mother's mental state.
You are a worthwhile person.
The world needs men like you.
Everytime you are the man you are you change part of the world for the better.
It seems a bottomless pit to try and climb out of, but we are strong.
Transgender men and women are the strongest, bravest people there are, hold onto that strength.
You will overcome this.
We need you.
I need you.
Cindy
Please call a help/suicide prevention line.
Trust me. You think it can't/won't get better, but it will. Your life is valuable. You are valuable.
Your mother seems to have her own issues. Don't take them on. It may sound selfish, but put yourself first.
Know that there are many people here who care!
I've felt the exact same way you have, but without the family situation as I haven't told anyone. YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH, SHE IS. YOU ARE NOT DISGUSTING, YOU'RE JUST A MAN BORN WITH FEMALE CHROMOSONES. REPEAT THIS TO YOURSELF, YOU ARE BETTER THAN HER, YOU WILL BE THE MAN YOU ARE AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
Hugs - I understand how upsetting it is. Basically my family is getting together today at my sister's place without me, I wasn't invited. My sister still doesn't want her daughter, my niece, to know about me so I'm not able to see her. That's her call and no one else seems inclined to have her change her mind. It's like I'm an embarrassment or something - I know I'm not, if anything they're the embarrassment. Fortunately Christmas doesn't have a lot of significance for me, it would be nice to spend the day with my family but instead it'll just be another day alone. My hope is that that will change by Christmas next year. If not I'm not sure I can care about them any more. But yeah, I really feel your pain. I hope your mother will come to see how unfair she is being to her son and change her mind. Until then, lots of love from your family at Susan's.
Hi, Orangaline!
Your situation is not really as bad as you think. Things are bound to get better than they are now. Talk it over with the relatives and explain to them that you are certain that you are in the wrong body and that you really do need their support. Maybe mentioning how terribly depressed you are about it wouldn't hurt. I am sure that they wouldn't want for you to do yourself in. You might be surprised how that may change things for you.
*mod edit for potentially triggering content
i just wanted to let everyone know i appreciate the replies and i have gotten ahold of my therapist.
So glad you got hold of help. Please be strong. Please stay alive. It hurts, but don't let the weakness and intolerance of others drive you down. There is nothing wrong with who you are, and you are not doing anything to anyone.
(By the way, if it would help, now or ever, please feel free to PM.)
So glad you got ahold of your therapist. You know, this is an awful time of year for anyone having trouble with family. Everybody's supposed to be all joyful and loving, but all it does for people who're having trouble is reminds us of all the things we don't have.
Your mother's feelings are not your fault. The way your parents treat your brother is not your fault. You are not responsible for other people's reactions to your truth. All you can do-- all you can ever do-- is be yourself. People, even family, who aren't able to accept you as you are? Their opinions are not worth your attention.
This will get better, just hang in there. Your life has worth, and the world needs you as you are.
You're braver than I am. I haven't even tried to tell my family. I think I know how they would react. Considering they disowned me, and actively told me I should kill myself, for much less. It hurts enough to fear the rejection over my gender too, I doubt I could handle actually facing it in reality.
I have two friends who care for me, and when it gets too much I get my phone and re-read text messages from them. It doesn't exactly make me hurt less, if anything it hurts more knowing how much they care about me, but it reminds me that there are at least two people in this world who think I am all sorts of awesome just as I am and who want me to stay alive because I make their world a happier place. I don't even have to "bother" them, just re-reading old messages is often enough.
If there is anyone you can get a hold of, even just your therapist, who could be that person for you, maybe it can help you like it does me. And. Keep listening to those who say "it gets better" and who believe in life being worthwhile. Maybe think of it like a democratic vote. You don't think it will get better (I don't either), but we're VASTLY outnumbered by people who do think so.
Sorry. Don't know if this is any help.
Orangaline, am glad that you are talking it over with your therapist. Good luck on resolving your issues with your family. Hopefully things will turn out a lot better than you thought it would!
Hey O,
hang on in there, one day at a time. Or sometimes when things are bad, for me it's one hour or one minute at a time.
I'm glad you reached out for help. We want you here as part of our community! You are not selfish and you're not messing up your brother. This is such bs.
I'm so sorry you are going through this during the holidays and in general. I realize there is lititle I can say that's comforting, but i wanted you to know that there is nothing wrong with you for doing what you feel you have to do. I too hey told I'm selfish for this and is ironic that the people demanding you live by their rules and adhere to them are saint your selfish. It's your life, nor their's. You are entitled to determine your own path just like everyone else. That doesn't make you a bad or selfish person. I just wanted you to know that because you shouldn't punish yourself when you aren't the one whose at wrong.
Again, I'm really sorry you are going through this and wish I had a way to help or make you feel better. I am sorry you have to go through this and you deserve to feel hurt by their actions, but please recosnider harming yourself. I don't want to say everything will get better when I don't know that, but i do know that tomorrow is another day and that life can 0pleasantly surprise you when you thought all was lost. Maybe it's worth founding out? But that's all I will day on that topic as i understand what those feelings are like and it does suck.
By the way, if you ever need someone to tali to, i am always available. I've had difficulty with my mom due to my transition as well and I really really feel you here.
Hey! Glad you could talk to your therapist, but also know that there are lots of us here that would gladly listen to you vent and talk through things. Please stay safe, things will get better. Things always do, sometimes it just takes more time than others.
I'm sorry your mom is acting the way she is, but try not to take it all to heart, it might just be her untreated mental condition speaking. I'm sure your mother loves you, and from what you've mentioned in your other posts your grandmother does too! Try not to let a few unkind words overshadow all the kindness that (I hope) came before them, people don't always mean what they say. Hell, people don't even always know what they're saying. It's ironic that somehow adults always end up acting more like little kids than children do.
Stay safe. It's going to get better, just hang in there. We're all here to help if you need support.
Anyone who demands that you live your life a certain way in order to make her/him more comfortable, that person is the one who is being selfish.
Anyone who says your 'lifestyle' is upsetting or hurtful and that you have to stop at once, that person is being selfish and hurtful.
Anyone who has watched you grow up and turned a blind eye to your pain, just because s/he doesn't want to believe you might be anything than the gender you were assigned at birth, or that you might not conform to heteronormative society's rules and gender roles, that person is selfish and hurtful.
Anyone who uses her/his beliefs to suppress your rights to live, work, survive, thrive, and be a functional member of society by and large, that person is selfish and malicious.
Orangaline, you do have some problems. But being trans is not one of them. Anyone who says it's a problem, s/he needs to pull her/his head out of her/his arse and just generally ->-bleeped-<- off. That's no way to treat another person, especially your own child.
Orangaline, you are loved, you are wanted, you are needed.
In the darkest of nights, you just have to wait a little longer, and eventually you'll see light as the sun begins to rise in the east. Right now you're in a dark moment. Just hold on, just wait, and soon you'll see the light. Until then, let your own light shine. It will guide you and perhaps even others whose lights are faded right now.
Lots of love to you, ducky.
*Do note, I didn't read a single reply, my current state is corrupting my attention span*
For once... someone knows what I feel....
My mother is the exact same person. I know that, if I come out to her and tell her how I feel, she'll treat it similar to how your mother is treating you....
I can already tell how she'll react.
She'll tell everyone, and then I'll be in your situation.... she did it to my brother when he came out about being gay.
She'll think that he corrupted me... like how she disowned my sister because she gave him the confidence to come out... my mother believes that my sister corrupted him.
*delete this if it's out of term or if it's trigger material*
Quote from: Electric Fuzzball on December 25, 2014, 05:11:39 PM
She'll think that he corrupted me... like how she disowned my sister because she gave him the confidence to come out... my mother believes that my sister corrupted him.
My family was similar with that belief of "it" being contagious. Everyone was afraid I'd corrupt my little brother so I was violently warned to keep my distance. And the children, once they were born. They let a known pedophile solo-babysit my nieces and nephews but I wasn't even allowed to breathe the same air as them for fear I'd corrupt them. In my case, there was no one else in to blame but me. Everything became perfection once I was kicked out.
Such a sick and twisted pit of nastiness. Masked in charming kindness and friendliness, naturally. Everyone who has met them thinks I am the crazy one. Of course.
I'm sorry. So very sorry. Really truly deeply sorry. I wish no one else had even remotely similar experiences.
What I can say is that time and distance and growing older DO help. Most of the rest of the world is lightyears more rational than my family. Kicking me out was the one good thing they ever did for me.
I hope your therapist is able to help--and that your mother realizes how hurtful she is being.
Quote from: Electric Fuzzball on December 25, 2014, 05:11:39 PM
*Do note, I didn't read a single reply, my current state is corrupting my attention span*
For once... someone knows what I feel....
My mother is the exact same person. I know that, if I come out to her and tell her how I feel, she'll treat it similar to how your mother is treating you....
I can already tell how she'll react.
She'll tell everyone, and then I'll be in your situation.... she did it to my brother when he came out about being gay.
She'll think that he corrupted me... like how she disowned my sister because she gave him the confidence to come out... my mother believes that my sister corrupted him.
*delete this if it's out of term or if it's trigger material*
i would wait to come out until you are in a safe place or have a backup place to stay, it dosnt sound like coming out right now would be very good for the situation, but i do wish you the best of luck.
to everyone else who commented: my condition has been worsening as the days go on. my psychosis is horrible and during the day i have only brief moments where im doing alright enough and being lucid enough to have a decent conversation, so here goes.
usually i see my therapist twice a week but shes off until monday. i will be calling monday and telling her everything, including my plans, even though i know this will get me hospitalized. by the end of the day im usually not lucid enough to realize what im saying or doing or the effects it will have on me in the future, and my state during the day is only slightly better. im lucky enough to have moments still throughout the day where i realize that im breaking away from reality and rest assured im gonna fight it for as long as i can, and try to stay lucid and sane for as long as possible. ill try to let you know if things get better before then, and ill make a post if not when i get out letting people know that im alright and thats where ive been because you all are really nice and i dont want you to worry too much. while im doping okay im going to go back through my records and pull the numbers for helplines and such and keep them close.
im gonna try but when im out of it i dont think right and i dont know whats gonna happen, but im gonna fight it for as long as possible.
im still having trouble with my family, after that my mother blamed me for us not being together, and today the kids are getting in trouble for calling me my chosen name, instead they are being told to call me a variation of my birthname, which i cant handle right now as it is.
i dont know i guess it just hurts worse to know the poor kids are probably so confused by now.
i dont know. ill update if i can until monday, but thank you so much for your kind words they help more than you know.
I'd say why punish your self needlessly get to the hospital
Quote from: Orangaline on December 26, 2014, 02:09:17 PM
to everyone else who commented: my condition has been worsening as the days go on. my psychosis is horrible and during the day i have only brief moments where im doing alright enough and being lucid enough to have a decent conversation, so here goes.
. . . by the end of the day im usually not lucid enough to realize what im saying or doing or the effects it will have on me in the future, and my state during the day is only slightly better. im lucky enough to have moments still throughout the day where i realize that im breaking away from reality and rest assured im gonna fight it for as long as i can, and try to stay lucid and sane for as long as possible.
Oh, hon. :'(. I agree with stephaniec-- don't wait, go to the hospital now. You're going to need help to get out of this bad headspace, and the sooner you get that help the sooner you'll be feeling better. You deserve better than this.
they are sending someone out to assess me now, but its a formality. they are going to be locking me away because i have a plan.
thanks for the kind words. hopefully this time when i leave i wnt have to come back.
good move, get better
i got back home today, but they are thinking about sending me to a residential facility. its still being debated.
im doing better, i learned more coping skills and my psychosis is now at a manageable level, even though im gonna have to get shot every month now:/
first thing when i got home i bought two new decks of cards, and they have zombies on them.
im learni9ng to let the little things help me laern to be happy again.
O, thank you for checking in! Maybe getting away from your current environment will be a good thing to help you figure out what you need to do and which steps to take to become a happier person. I feel like that sometimes -- I feel almost crushed and caged in my everyday live sometimes, like I don't have breathing space and the peace and calm to just think about where I want to "go".
I hope things will improve for you!
Welcome back, I'm glad you're feeling better. A friend of mine spent some time at a residential place and it helped her a lot during a difficult time, so that really can be a helpful process.
So glad you're back and you're doing better :). Not sure what your feelings about a residential treatment center are-- most people aren't too thrilled. But I've known people who've been through similar circumstances and it was a good thing for them. Especially when you're having stress with your family, being in a supportive environment where you can get the treatment you need without being constantly dragged back into family drama can really help.
Hope things continue to look up!