Okay so my dad supports me, he uses male pronouns, male name, pays for my HRT etc., and yet today he told me that he "believes what I tell him". So I asked him what if I suddenly told him that I am in fact a girl, would he go back to female pronouns and treat me as a girl despite how this might affect me because we both would be living a lie? and he said yes, because he says if he were to believe his own judgement (not what I tell him) he'd say I'm a girl, because of the way I am and my childhood (I used to play with dolls for instance and stuff like that, which obviously has nothing to do with my gender identity but whatever). Then I said, well what's for sure is that I'm a boy, and then he said "do you like women?" and I said no (he already knows I don't), then he said "well most men like women... not everyone but the vast majority do". Was that a way to imply that I must like women to be a man, or that being gay or asexual like in my case makes you less of a man? Who knows, the point is, he rather sees it as me, a female, "wanting" to be a boy, not already being one.
And this is not the only time that I hear this kind of stuff, I've had the same feeling (that they are just humoring you) from other people, and it just makes me realize that some people will say they support you and love you no matter what and they will treat you as you want, but deep down they won't believe or understand that we are not men because we say so, but because we are. Have any of you had this same feeling? Like they'd need to feel our pain to believe us, but they can't and this humoring you crap is frustrating.
For some people transgender is so far beyond their ability to comprehend that they don't know what to think. If they're going along with us it shows that they respect us enough to do that. I wouldn't think of it as being humoured. And I guess, even if they are, you'll be the one laughing in the end. At least your father is using the right pronouns etc mine still won't.
I've had some of these same feelings happen with my sister, she's uber religious so she doesn't believe me transitioning is right but she still "supports" me. I know she loves me but I also honestly know her real thoughts on me being trans and it used to bug me in the beginning but one day I realized that no one is going to like what I do all the time. I know who I am deep down inside and what I'm about. The rest will catch up or not at all. I know this style of thinking can be hard because it's people you care about and love but it's made me happier viewing it this way. Hopefully your people really come around or you find ways to not let it bug you. Good luck man.
For some people, I think that this is just the best that they can do. I don't think that they intentionally mean to give the impression that they are just "humoring us", but I think that they just don't have the necessary imagination to know how we feel, entirely. I also think that sometimes being trans* is just something that is simply beyond some imaginations/empathy.
As an example, I have a brother that is a really sweet guy. He's kind, understanding, gentle, and fairly non-judging. He's also extremely honest about how he feels in any given circumstance, and sometimes, he doesn't understand the full impact that this honesty can have. I've had several conversations with him that remind me of the conversation that you had with your father. I've talked about how I felt, but, as my brother said, it's just something that is going to take time to sink in for him. He means well, but this type of situation just isn't "one of his strengths"?
It definitely feels that way at first.
Even 6.5 years in, I know my family members use wrong name and pronouns when I'm not around. Whatever. And I still have a few coworkers who I never really worked with even before transition, who I rarely work with now, who seem to misgender me when I have the rare opportunity to work with them. They usually immediately correct themselves because it really is weird to be calling a bearded guy a she, you know?? I just ignore it because they are the ones that look a bit silly.
Overall I do think they accept me, but family does take time.
Jay
Sounds like your dad is really trying. He is giving you credit for knowing your own mind even when he can't understand completely. I would give him kudos for that. I'm not sure too many cis people can understand completely. Being trans is still hard for me to put into words, and I am!
Sounds like you have a great, mature relationship with your dad. That's hard for some of us to do at any age. Congrats on that!
Chris
Thanks for your answers guys! I'm grateful that my dad treats me as a boy and everything, don't think I don't, but he just goes along with what I tell him and how is that not humoring me. Still it's much better than not respecting me at all, but I wish he would call me "he" because he really does think I'm a he. I don't know, I'm happy to be one of the lucky ones whose family supports them fully but tbh I'd rather not have a dad at all than have one who internally still sees me as a girl and probably will always see me as one. I don't want that kind of people in my life, that's why I'm mostly stealth and plan to be stealth for the rest of my life, because if you tell people you're trans, they won't see you the same way again, they won't see you 100% male. But with family you can't be stealth and I guess I just have to get over this fact, that no matter how much they support me or love me, they will never see me as I am. Not just my dad, but my mom, brother, extended family and everyone who knew me before transition. And it's sad, but if I were in their shoes I guess I'd think the same way, because as you say, transgender is just such a difficult concept to understand, but it's still ->-bleeped-<-ed up. I feel like basically all I have and will ever have is a family that just humour me and don't actually see me as a guy and a few friends who don't know me because I pretend to be something I'm not, a biological guy.
Quote from: Manny on December 28, 2014, 11:00:34 AM
I don't want that kind of people in my life, that's why I'm mostly stealth and plan to be stealth for the rest of my life, because if you tell people you're trans, they won't see you the same way again, they won't see you 100% male. But with family you can't be stealth and I guess I just have to get over this fact, that no matter how much they support me or love me, they will never see me as I am.
This fits exactly my point of view. I don't even plan to make any friends for this very reason. I don't think its just about being trans but another person will never fully understand unless they are in your shoes. Even then, how can one know what that person truly thinks of you deep inside their minds. Probably empaths/sensitives will have a much better chance of understanding though.