I was wondering if anyone else goes through this. I hear all the time about people who are triggered by transphobia, intolerance, unaccepting families, stories of other people's depression and traumas...but I've never heard of anyone else who is triggered by stories of accepting families, finding love, and fully transitioning. I'm also triggered by seeing people I know happy, PDAs, couples in general, people's experiences of finding support, people's experiences of finding belonging, people's experiences their friends, and many other positive things.
Often if I see anything like this, I feel a deep longing to experience some of these things myself, and then things go downhill from there. If I'm not busy with something else, usually I'll cry for an hour or three whenever I actually pay attention to all the great things in everyone else's lives. It's actually happened to me a few times looking over the forum in these past few days.
So-does anyone else here ever feel triggered by other people's happiness? I know it's a really selfish way to see things, and I hope none of you judge me to harshly for it...it's just something I've been going through a lot this past year, and if anyone has some advice for how to deal with this, I'd appreciate it. This past week, I've been trying to isolate myself so I don't have to be exposed to any of these things, but that's not working so well. Any advice is welcome.
Thanks
Me too, when I hear happy stories about accepting and supportive families, it makes me both happy and depressed. I know what you mean by 'isolate myself so I don't have to be exposed to any of these things'. I do that all the time, maybe I'm just a weird person. I even avoid susan's sometimes. When I hear about transgender people with supportive families, It makes me happy and even fills me with hope... but.. that is.. until... I think about my own family, and the likelihood of them accepting me and the predicament I'm currently in, it doesn't make me feel great. I don't know if there's something I can do about it.
I'm glad to read your post because I've often felt bad (selfish) about this, but never opened up to anyone about it until now.
Triggers can be hidden in all sorts of unexpected places. I got triggered watching old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer the other day simply because I was identifying so strongly with a number of the female characters it bought up some stuff for me that was rather surprising.
I'm often triggered by other people's happy news, most often when I'm feeling a bit helpless. It's funny, when I first started HRT the change to my mood was so profound that nothing could bother me. Events over the last couple of months have shown me that I can still be pushed to the depths of despair. I think when we (or at least I) are triggered by other's good fortune it's because we can see no clear path to such an outcome for ourselves.
Yes.
A big thing that gets me is when I read stories of supporting friends or partners doing all this great ->-bleeped-<-. I don't have that experience at all, I don't even really have friends. :'(
I mean, I have my family, but you can't cuddle with your sister, its just not the same.
It's a form of jealousy. It's natural to feel that way, although I don't usually get that myself. I'm usually happy that others don't have to experience the same ->-bleeped-<- as me. It depends on the situation though. When I was in the hospital trying not to give birth prematurely, I was flipping through TV channels and somehow ended up on a show about women who were delivering healthy babies after going 9 months without even knowing they were pregnant. I freaked out.
Yes, reading some of the stories of accepting family members, and finding love especially get to me, and bring me to tears. There is nothing wrong with jealousy, it's envy that's negative. Jealousy is to desire things that others have, or are getting that you have some right to yourself, and isn't about specifically exactly what they have, as in taking it would deprive them of it. Jealousy on the other hand is to wish that you had that too, and have some right to it. We have a right to acceptance from our families, and love.
Envy is a sin, but even God is jealous.
I also think there's more to it, reading happy stories make me impatient. My plan is to come out a year or two from now as can I see both me and my family doing better then, and I want to stick to this plan. All things considered, that's the best thing I can do as only I know what's best for me, but when I read an inspiring story about someone successfully coming out, I may get this sudden urge to just come out too, and a year ago, I did something I still regret, thankfully it's mostly forgotten now, and I don't want to do that again. What works for someone else won't necessarily work for me.
I get this too. I don't understand why people often demonize jealosy and envy. We can't really help feeling what we feel. What we do matters. There is nothing wrong with being jealous if you don't try to make others feel like crap too.
I have been sick and unable to work or study for long time and people my age are now graduating from university and having kids while my life is a mess. I feel bad for days when I go to Facebook and notice someone has graduated. I get jealous of other queer people who have queer friends and who can find right partners. I feel like a failure when I read about people of my age who have already transitioned.
I should not compare myself to others like that but I can't help it. It's like others are having things that should be mine but aren't and then I accuse myself of being lazy coward and feel even worse. It's a cycle that feeds itself.
Well, I tried to explain that envy is wrong...
The difference is that, lets say that we both did our chores, but you get rewarded with a cookie, and I get nothing. I'm jealous that you got a cookie, and it isn't fair that I didn't get one. Envy is when I sat around all day while you did your chores, and were rewarded with a cookie, and I want your cookie, which leads me to perhaps steal it, and deprive you of the cookie.
See, the difference with envy and jealousy is that jealousy wants what you have a right to, and envy is when I want your stuff specifically, even though I have no right to it. I don't want a boyfriend, I want your boyfriend. I don't want a cookie, I want your cookie.
Semantics aside...I don't think of it as jelousy or envy, because I still want my own things...to me, it's just an intense longing. I'm longing for things in my life to get better, and seeing others who have those things is a reminder of what I don't have.
Semantics is everything. ;)
Point being, that there is nothing wrong with jealousy, it is inspiring, and protective. Vicariously feeling the happiness of events that are actualizable in your own life.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on December 28, 2014, 08:10:12 PM
... but I've never heard of anyone else who is triggered by stories of accepting families, finding love, and fully transitioning. I'm also triggered by seeing people I know happy, PDAs, couples in general, people's experiences of finding support, people's experiences of finding belonging, people's experiences their friends, and many other positive things.
Forums, Facebook and the like can produce real downers of mood. Various researchers have found this, for example Google "Is facebook bad for your health" and stuff like this comes up:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-murder-and-the-meaning-life/201404/7-ways-facebook-is-bad-your-mental-health
You might find numbers 1 and 2 relevant to this thread.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on December 28, 2014, 08:10:12 PM
This past week, I've been trying to isolate myself so I don't have to be exposed to any of these things, but that's not working so well. Any advice is welcome.
Locking yourself with your own thoughts, problems and worries is rarely a good idea as it tends to let the negatives grow and grow as nothing opposes or counters them. I find it is best just to get out into the real world and away from the virtual/cyber world. There is always something out there to do or groups to join even if it is just going for a coffee somewhere or sitting in library reading or browsing. I find bookshops are good. Many have reading areas and coffee is usually available. I know people who volunteer for charity shops for 3 or 4 hours a week just to get something different to do.
Raises hand. I feel the same way looking at some pics of my old friends who transitioned waaay ahead of me and didnt have the full blown effect of T in their body.
Just this morning, I was looking at my friends arms and comparing it to mine and my thoughts were "damn I will never have to those long slender arms" sigh.
That goes with my love life as well....
This happened to me last week when I was buying some groceries. there were so many so many other young women shopping with there children and most them seemed relatively happy or at least they didn't have to deal with having the body, voice, and mannerisms of a man. I felt maybe kind of envious, and I felt sad and depressed and ended up having another "cry alone in my room episode" when I got home (at least it didn't last three hours this time). The funny thing is that I'm not really sure that I would want to be parent when I actually think about it, which made the whole thing totally weird for me. Any thoughts?
I did this in the past, especially when I would see young girls. I would always think about the girlhood that I missed out on. But, eventually, I said: "screw it". I can't change the past. Also, even if I were born a genetic female, I would have still had all of the other issues that I dealt with back in the day. It is what it is.
mainly its happy couples. People I used to know getting married, stuff like that... :(