Hey there, nice to meet you, I've been on hormones for about 2 and a half ish months now, still in hiding, until I learn a few more things. Before transitioning making male friends was easy, however, female friends were kept pretty much at arms length, and they never really approached, or rather I felt I could personally not approach them. If I were to put it into context it felt more like standing in front of a no entry zone that should never be crossed. Making more guy friends is nice and all, but I want to learn how to better make more female friends, and not having them treat me the same way they did when they saw me as a guy.
Is there any advice? am I making coherent sense?
Amaryllis
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Izzy
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I'll pass on the popcorn thanks, the calories will kill me. Thank you for the welcome though :).
Same boat I was in a month or so ago - "Will they accept me as a woman?" " )$(*%&#$ - When "J" used the word 'transition' with that knowing look, did she mean *transition*?"
3 months into HRT, and I can't tell if most of the women at work have me figured out or not, but I noticed that they no longer stop girl talk when I randomly show up (I do that a lot - loss prevention for a retail store). I've even joined a few of their conversations. Kind of exciting!
Give it a bit, Amaryllis, and enjoy the ride! Welcome to Susan's!
Thank you for the welcome :)
Ya that's what I hated the most, is the second I walk into the room the girl talk immediate comes to a screeching halt, as if treating me as a weird alien from another planet. The me inside dies a little every time this happens as I wish to do be a part of that conversation.
It's funny huh. Before, so many girls just assumed I was only speaking to them because I wanted sex (and I can forgive them for thinking that - MEN).
I don't even *like* girls.
Nowdays some guys treat me like I'm contagious, wont sit next to me on the bus. Makes me a little sad sometimes, but I guess that will change all over again as I start to 'pass' more and more ... :~o
It helps if you don't try to force it. I mean, of course we all want that recognition of our identity, but if you force things socially around other women, it will hurt your social transition in the long run.
Just be a good person! If someone has obviously put effort into a change like hair color, weight loss, new shoes, then it's ok to let them know you noticed!
The rest will come!
Amen, Viking - Amen.
Wise words.
Attitude is everything.
Being open is key. You don't have to come out to women to make friends, but being open about what you are like is huge. Being on HRT adds a separate level, because even if you don't act it, you will send a feminine vibe. I think largely from the sent change. If you are yourself, I think being on HRT helps you. I suspect being on HRT, but still hiding yourself, might actually make it harder.
I really don't know what to think, I pretty much act the way I always do in front of people, but perhaps I continue to hold onto the facade that served me all these years. It isn't just awkward for them, but it is also awkward for myself to finally be able to get the chance to speak about the girly things that I do like. I guess at the end of the day it is a learning process, though I've been really trying not to self destruct here.
Baby steps. Small things are them best things to start being open about. Just pick one thing and see how it goes.
At primary school the girls and boys had to play in different/segregated play areas so I was never really able to mix with the girls. Even though I really wanted to be friends with them in class I got treated like I had boy germs. Had to go to an all boy school for high school and I never socialised much so by the time I got to university I was a total freak when it came to interacting with women. And because I had conflicting sexual interests I was also a bit of a creep I dare say. I mean I knew a few women but not in any way that could be called a friendship. That all changed in my third year, through my involvement with the student newspaper I also ended up in a circle of first year women. Not really sure how it happened to be honest - maybe they kind of took me in as a lost sheep. I dunno. That was a friendship that lasted many years - in fact one of them is still a close friend. Somehow I was able to make friends with women much more easily after that. I guess there are a number of loose "rules":
- don't be condescending or patronising
- don't look at their breasts
- don't ogle or make sexual innuendos
- don't interrupt or talk over the top, everyone gets to talk
- don't try to fix problems, women often just like to talk about stuff not have it analysed
- don't change the subject before it's been talked out
- be interested and supportive
- eye contact and mirroring is useful but not mandatory
- just be friendly, don't come across as aloof or shy or rude
Hope that helps!!
I see, I guess over the years I built up an outer armor that while it protected me from verbal abuse, its also inhibited me from trying to mix more with others, or being open about my own feelings. Though I must admit that while on hormones that thick outer armor has turned into wet tissue. I'll try speaking my mind a bit more and perhaps it'll help me make new friends.
As for looking and breast or sexual inneundos are things I have never done. I'm the type of person who doesn't get attracted sexually to an individual until after I've known them for awhile.
Thank you for some of the advice.
Shared interests help a lot. That said I never really had any problem making friends with girls/women. In fact at a party or other event I may meet a friend's wife or girlfriend and talk for hours with them and their girl friends while their husband/date wanders off. At work I talk more with the women, especially those that are moms. I find it naturally easier and talking with guys so boring unless it's outdoor hobbies and ham radio. Most of my friends I used to hang out with are women. Now it's a mix because of various hobbies and activism I'm involved in. So anyway find some shared interests and chat it up. Have an intelligent conversation that doesn't sound like you're talking down to them.