I may be the most pathetic lurker in the history of this forum.
In what seems like a blink of an eye it has been nearly seven years since I started my account here. I come to Susans nearly every day and have posted only a few times. Mostly on the topic of whether or not GD ever goes away (it doesn't). But mostly I lurk. And read. I gain hope from what I read but also fear. I'm not sure sometimes if this website has kept me alive or kept me from living. Mostly I think I've kept myself alive but also have kept myself from fully living. It wouldn't be fair to heap that kind of praise or blame on anything or anyone but myself. Still, I appreciate that I have one little flicker of light I can turn to each day to give me hope. One day maybe the hope will outweigh the fear and I will finally do something.
On the other hand it might not need to be, for me at least, about becoming more hopeful. I might need to become more hopeless. More hopeless about ever being right, complete and truly alive unless I come out and transition. I find myself wishing that something in my life will break and wake me up and make everything clear.
For the last six months up until two days before Christmas, the doctors thought I might have cancer of a bad kind. I don't, as it turns out, but for six months things were very strange for me. I had the feelings I guess everyone has when confronted with a worry like that. But I have to admit that the idea of getting sick and dying felt like it presented a way out - a way to be free of this. I promise I didn't feel that way too much, but I did a little.
I will be 45 in a few weeks. Not as significant as 40 or 50, but it still makes me think about life. During my little health scare I thought about my life and how its gone so far. My wife and kids, my family, my friends, my adventures, the things I'm passioniate about - all of that feels like its been mission accomplished. The only thing that really troubled me and felt like it would be a big regret is the fact that i've never been brave enough to be me and to be honest after at least 40 years of struggling with this.
I was hoping that the cancer scare would have been the wake up call I've been waiting on. It still might, but it's power to rattle my thoughts is fading away. I'm focusing now on trying to keep that feeling of regret I was beginning to have in front of me. And, I'm thinking of giving myself a long overdue present in a few weeks for my birthday and begin to open up about this to people in my life. If I do, I will start with my wife. My poor wife who knows nothing about this and doesn't deserve that to be the case.
Sorry for the long and kinda pointless post. It's like a hundred others I've read myself here over the years. I come here for the light and hope but sometimes, like tonight, I need Susans for more than that. Just venting. I occasionally reply to posts from others when I think I can say anything helpful. As messed up I am about all of this, that isn't often. I'll try to do that more often.
If seven more years go by the same way, well..
Ella
Thanks for sharing, Ella. Sometimes wake up calls come in the most unexpected guises and often when we are at our lowest and most vulnerable. Sounds like your recent health scare might have helped shake things up more than you realise. :)
Welcome out of the shadows, Ella.
I wish the best for you, regardless if you open the discussion with your wife or not. It does seem like a good idea to me, though. No sense in keeping this bottled up inside of you any longer- especially if you've already accomplished your other main mission objectives
Hey Ella, from one former lurker to another, a warm welcome! I finally got the courage to join up when I found the courage to face myself and be myself.
I would encourage openness with your wife. She may not accept but if you don't tell her you'll never know, right? It's your decision in the end so do what makes you happy. I would definitely recommend finding a good gender therapist.