Is it ok to feel scared about transition?
I'm on a six month waiting list for the GIC (I'm in the UK) and I know I still need to do the legal stuff and come out in work... I just feel kinda scared and alone, like I wonder if I can actually do this and if the fact I am scared and question it, if that means I'm not really transgendered enough to get treatment because I already know people who've done it... I'm FtM btw.
I can't go on living in this body. I mean, technically I can, if I don't really live and hide away like I always have... I keep on trying to look for reasons to not be trans*, but then realise a lot of them are based on social constructs of how gender should be (I'm a gentle boy) and my issues are with my body and wierdness.
I'm scared that I'll lose my job if I come out. I'm scared I'll lose this invisibility I've constructed because I might look different. I'm scared hormones will change me and my personality. It just feels massive and overwhelming...
Hi! Yes, being scared is a perfectly normal and common response to transitioning. And you're right, there is a lot at stake with transition - we're very aware of what we can lose through it but not sure if the gains will be significant. Usually it is a bit of a mixed bag - we often don't lose as much as we expected and gained things we never knew were possible. Problem is we don't know what any of that will be until we are on the other side of the process.
Hi Peacebone,
Fear is a natural response to transitioning. As you stated there are a lot of unknowns. I do know hormones do not change your personality. Yes it is a lot to undertake and it can feel overwhelming.
I made a list of the things I needed to do, I wanted to do, those things I would like to do. All were overwhelming. I really want and need to do all of the things on the list. As time has gone by I am accomplishing many of them one by one. I have made real progress. The list is really an assembly of those things internal and external that help me feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I hid and used coping mechanism to get by each day but in the end they failed me or I failed myself. Then my transition became a process of facing my fear, looking at it, talking to it but never bargaining with it again. I realized fear was controlling my life, what I did and how I behaved.
Being gentile is not a gender marker (my opinion). I am now very gentile, when I had T in my system I had constant rage in my heart and I was on edge all the time. Perhaps having the correct hormones in my body resolved the constant heightened feeling of fight or flight and anger. This has helped me tremendously at work. People actually comment on this on a regular basis. I get comments like what ever you do never go back to the old you. I manage a lot of projects and teams at work and I am much more productive and being gentile does not mean not holding people accountable and addressing issues in a timely basis and with emotional intelligence. It is the core of where I operate and who I am.
Gentleness, kindness and compassion are not weak. On the contrary they come from strength, your internal reserve of strength.
Good luck on your journey.
I recently came out at work by going to the company christmas party fully dressed. I was more scared of that then i was going into combat. Being scared is normal. It is how we deal with the fear that is important. You can't let it rule you.
It's normal to be scared, it's a big change, and it can be scary to think of the what ifs. But if you aren't truly living as you are and can't cope with the body you're in, you are, almost certainly, trans. Pretty much everyone has doubts or gets scared, it's normal.
Hormones aren't going to change who you are. Testosterone can make you a bit less emotional, or rather, change the way you feel it; a lot of people cry less or feel upset for a shorter amount of time than they used to. But that doesn't really have anything to do with your personality. It's like saying that having problems with controlling your anger is part of your personality. It's not, and it's not like meditating to be calmer makes you a different person, you know? You'll still be you, you'll just gradually look more masculine and you'll most likely feel happier with the body you're in or the life you're living.
I live in the UK too :) where about are you from? And if you ever want to chat, just send me a message!
Yeah, I am just really scared and dunno if I can do it... I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and have a different body.