... never allowed anyone to take a photo of me growing up.
... never looked in the mirror growing up
... always felt weird hearing my name
tell me more :)
Ah the precision of the retrospective!
Yup, way familiar; I did't like photos, mirrors, or my name.
The list here often includes: my clothes, haircuts, bullies at school, perfect looking people and.....................
...situations where I was gender segregated, like at school...
...men's change rooms...
...being expected to be one of the boys...
... was interested in feminism and women's issues
... mostly enjoyed books and movies about women
... resented being excluded from all female spaces
... never understood why things like periods and childbirth grossed out other men
... enjoyed my friends with women far better than my friendships with men
... believed that men and women were the "same" and that all differences were myths
... was glad when I found myself sitting next to a woman and not a man
... wanted to work and study in places that were not all-male
... understood female characters in fiction far better than male characters
... always wished I could have a female body
... was fascinated with gender bending stories
So that's why I can't find many pictures of my former self! There are far more pics of me in the last six months than there are in the first 43 years.
Yes, I avoided changing rooms, haircuts, mirrors, being seen naked by anyone, thought hearing my male name was weird, hated wearing suits and anything definitively masculine, probably set the world record for platonic female friends, avoided looking at "it", always dreamed I had a female body and wore dresses, slept with a teddy bear, had both ears pierced, had long hair since forever, actually liked having "moobs", never turned off a TV show that involved transsexuals, throw like a girl, sucked at sports despite an athletic build, didn't care if I lived or died until lately...
Wow, Jill, your list could've been about me.
I always hated my name, my voice, my reflection. I got into video production because I always wanted to be behind the camera, never in front. I got into theatre because it allowed me to be someone else for awhile.
Exactly the same actually, since the age of 11 I became completely overwhelmed with how ugly I was, I stopped looking in the mirror. It's only been the past six or so months that I feel OK, even good some days, looking in the mirror. I always thought it was just because I was so ugly, but I now realise it was because of the disconnect. I was hairy and thought I looked like a boy, and at the time I thought your genitals decided your gender, so I couldn't stand how I looked.
Same with cameras, too. I hated having my picture taken, there are only a handful of pictures of me pre-transition, and pretty much all of them are from family holidays. Now, I have a lot more confidence, I actually like having my picture taken.
As a kid I hated wearing dress clothes. At the time, I just put it off as I don't like dressing up. I still hate wearing men's dress clothes, but I love to put on a nice gown and do my hair and makeup. I think it wasn't that I didn't like dressing up, I just hated dressing up as a "boy". I think a lot about how nice it would've been to have been my true self growing up.
Wondered why other boys were terrified of being made to play the girl in a school play
Hated fighting despite being good at it and having at lest one fight a week for the last 4 years of school
Liked cute animals
Mum always asked my advice about hair clothes make up
Enjoyed reading girls books,sisters comics and Mums magazines
Hated boy's haircuts
No enthusiasm for playing sport or watching it
Was allowed to bowl underarm(girl style) at cricket
No interest in boy's clothes,I was a scruffy Herbert in jeans and T shirt
Was probably the only boy who liked the pink Dodge and Plymouth muscle cars of the early 70s(a pink Demon, Duster or Superbee has been on my car wish list since they came out)
Have been a long time fan of the Harley Sportster usually dismissed as a girl's bike(I bet no one told Sonny Barger he rode a girl's bike)
Had pink guitars.
... cried privately after my mom told me what my name would have been if I were "born a girl" @ 6 y/o
(Leah)
oof, kleenex time
....never felt any connection with my name.
....always wrote stories from the point of view of a female protagonist who was suspiciously similar to me.
....hated my reflection with a vengeance.
.....hated being photographed, and look somewhat miserable in most photos of me.
.....found all clothing options that were available to me boring as hell.
.....never really fit in w/ the guys, I always felt on the periphery, even at the points when I was well liked, but was always accepted by the girls.
....felt dropped into limbo at the age when boys and girls started to be socially segregated and adopt gender identities (that was the exact point I realised what I was, even if I couldn't define it)
....loved being mistaken for a girl and expanding on that, loved being mistaken for a lesbian when in a relationship.
....felt completely at home when I did an office course and turned out to be the only "male" enrolled.
....got excited about seeing any movies where boys dressed up as girls, no matter how poorly they were written (and how angry they made my father).... Unless they were overly fratty.... In which case I actually felt annoyed.... Oh and I always lost interest in those movies at the point where the male protagonist stopped crossdressing.
....was absolutely chuffed to be the only boy in my high school to have a pink watch!
....was always disgusted by my own genitals.
....loved it when the girls wanted to dress me up or do my hair.
....paid attention to the way that glamorous women carried themselves and consciously strove to emulate them from a very early age.
....always read my mother's magazines, but paid no attention to my father's.... (And that even includes his adult magazines that I found when I got older, even though that wasn't my point! lol)
....consciously avoided boys fashion.
....always wanted to be in an all-girl band.
....spent my 20s in a self-destructive stupor.
Edit - jennygirl's post reminded me of a big one - ....felt utterly cheated when my mother told me at 15 (I'd already felt I was in the wrong body 7 years at this stage) that my parents had expected me to be a girl and were so certain, that they had a girl's name picked out for me, but not a boy's name!
To rub it in, the female name I was meant to have ended up being masculinised into my brother's name!
I avoided pictures like the plague. As a result most of those pictures pre transition are from when I was super young or were taken by my Aunt and now Trans Aunt. I tried to avoid those, but turns out they will take a picture of anything. Now I willing to take pictures for the sake of them or especially remember how I look at particular moment.
I hadn't thought about the mirrors, but now looking back at it I did avoid it in a way and was repulsed by what I saw. Now I take the chance to look in mirror any chance I get even if I have to take the one I have on me out of my pursue.
My name especially the shorten forms were very disliked. I did take some relief in the fact that technically the longer version was unisex due to the fact I even went to school with a girl with that first name.
The clothes were a big and my enviousness of what others could wear and I was stuck with.
The genitals were always a problem and a huge source of pain and discomfort.
Haircuts and forced keeping of my nails short. These were some of the worst parts. My dad being retired military insisted on crew cuts. No exceptions. I always hated how the short fingers nails felt and looked especially without polish.
The facial hair and body hair in general I hated when it stared to sprout and my sister and others remained without.
Guys clothes especially suit and tie I hated. Hence I never did gain to the ability to gain that stupid tie.
*kept bruises on my hips b/c I didn't realize how wide they were
*resented shaving my legs
*had to be bullied and cooerced by my mother to wear makeup (where I live in the deep South, USA, wearing makeup is a societal must-do to fit in)
*would rather dig latrines than try to talk about shoes
I have plenty of pics as a child. Almost none past puberty except for school pics. Then a good many in my 20s and beyond but I still hate a lot of them.
I can relate to that some of that in reverse Chris in addition to what I already mentioned. After my dad died my church had different activities they geared towards boys and girls separately. They had some take me to one of the guys activities that required the identification of car parts. Yuck. I hated it. Needless to say they got the message and never ever repeated.
Mariah
Quote from: FriendsCallMeChris on January 15, 2015, 07:15:24 AM
*kept bruises on my hips b/c I didn't realize how wide they were
*resented shaving my legs
*had to be bullied and cooerced by my mother to wear makeup (where I live in the deep South, USA, wearing makeup is a societal must-do to fit in)
*would rather dig latrines than try to talk about shoes
- Felt like i was "in drag" whenever i went outside dressed femme...
- Really really loved doing drag!!
- Sometimes had sexual chemistry with gay men (confusing to both of us to be sure!)
- Whenever i danced, i would imagine my body as masculine (how could i not have noticed what this could mean?)
- Felt the idea of pregnancy and childbirth to be "unnatural."
- Felt "safe" in groups of male friends hanging out being "one of the guys" (i know many women who enjoy their friendships with men or even prefer hanging out with men, but none would say especially that feeling "safe" is part of why they enjoy these social environments)
- Have always had close friends who were trans, often dated trans or nonbinary partners, found trans people "coming out" to me, felt drawn to trans issues as an "ally" - yet felt profoundly unsure what to say if someone asked about my own gender identity. I'd say "no, i'm just a cis girl" and then kind of shrink a little inside and feel like a very confused liar.
- Still feel that i don't have a name that is "mine" ... i may never have a name...
Quote from: DoYouRealize on January 20, 2015, 03:45:59 AM
- Felt the idea of pregnancy and childbirth to be "unnatural."
This one struck me especially, I often say that I find the concept of procreation very weird, and my friends would just say (at least the ones who I might've mentioned this to in passing), yeah I get it, sex is kinda weird if you think about it. Right this moment after reading this, I'm not sure whether I meant childbirth or sex. I think I'm ace and all that, so maybe it's the sex part that I find weird, but I don't think I'm sex repulsed.. Judging from the wording I often use, it's pregnancy, childbirth, and all that. It's a bit odd that, when I try to think about it I can't see myself wanting to have kids/a family at all like I am at the moment, but if I were to be the father then I'd want kids. It's weird.
Other than this point though, though I identify as trans right now, I'm a bit unclear on stuff still. I wonder though, how many of the things stated here are also true for (some) cis people? I see the aversion to getting photographed is a pretty common thing (at least in this thread), and it's also a true thing for me I was always the one behind the camera because it let me get away with not being in any of the photographs, but I wonder, is this not a thing with cis people at all? Well.. with the popularity of instagram, snapchat and stuff.. maybe not? I don't know, but sometimes I feel like I get carried away with thinking that everything in my life has to do with being trans, and I don't know how much of that is true or not, but it may be worthwhile for us to try and think through stuff rather than trying so hard to find justification in anything.
-Hated being in the girls team, wanted to be on the boys team
-Always took my shirt off in the summer like the boys did
-I gave girls rides home on my bicycle and would love it when they would hang on to my waist and squeal when I peddled fast.
-Tried shaving my face with my dads razor
-Was always "the Dad", or "Luke Duke" or "He Man"
-I always put my dads clothes on when he was at work.
-Felt like I was betraying myself as a teenager when I wore a dress to prom. I had it on for less than an hour then I changed into jeans and shirt.
I always wanted long hair, which was not allowed for arbitrary reasons
I never understood why having friends that were girls that I didn't want to have sex with was so aberrant.
I HATED all-male spaces although I was resigned to have to use them occasionally
I only had one wish, since birthday candles, first stars seen that night, etc., and that was to have boobs, then when I was about 6-7 years old I realized girls were a bit more complicated and the wish changed to wanting to become a girl and have boobs as well.
I learned to listen to people a lot
I fantasize about everything
I learned to have many friends that knew me only a little than to trust a few friends with too much of myself.
I always had body issues, but looking at old photos of myself I can honestly say that the adults in my life that I thought were delusional for telling me how handsome I was, may not have been completely delusional. Since I don't really attach the likeness to myself anymore, I can agree that the guy in the photo was good looking. I just hated everything about being him when the photo was taken.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
nearly all the above, plus
... have always felt total body dysphoria
... have always despised hearing my voice on tape (vocal dysphoria lol)
... would freak out to find my father/uncle/brother (briefly) looking back at me in the mirror or plate-glass window
... would freak out when it was my mother/sister looking back
... could never ever 'primp' - way too much mirror time
... never cared much about how I dressed (except I 'had to'), usually preferred the rattiest clothing in the closet
... generally dressed pretty androgynous