Hello all. My name, or more so my chosen/preferred name is Jynx. Jynx Estelle Rosalie. I am... new to the idea of calling myself a woman, and at the same time I'm not. I'll elaborate more on that later. I joined this forums because I have a lot of.... concerns regarding this, all falling along the lines of do I REALLY feel this way, and do I ACTUALLY want to do something about it. I know a gender therapist would be a great start but for now, I'm 22 and I live with my mother, and there's no way I could tell her I feel this way right now.
To explain my situation, just recently I have decided that I am, in fact, transgender. I did a lot of research but wasn't satisfied with any results until recently. Most stories I see of people with my feelings have much stronger signs and responses to and of these feelings respectively. Since I have yet to see a story quite like mine, and doubt I will, I've decided to take this step and tell my story, if not simply to tell more people than to get some advice or, perhaps most appreciated would be, affirmation.
I know this is a lot to read and I thank anyone who reads it.
I was born a boy, and I've been seen as a boy all my life, but for as long as I can remember variations of a question would randomly pop into my mind: What if I were born a girl? Or, as the question soon progressed to when it appeared, why couldn't I have been born a girl? I always decided that the way I was born was what I was meant to be and pushed it aside.
I can remember a few distinct things about growing up and even now I've seen (and see) as signs. There were occasions, when I was alone in the house, that I would take and put on my mother's panties and bra. I'd avoid female clothes as I was too timid to go that far. I remember looking in the mirror with the underwear on and loving it... but hating the erm... bulge if you will, after which I'd promptly strip them off in shame and put them away.
On top of these moments, I found and still find I do not vibe with typical male culture. I have never like sports or cars, rough housing was something I avoided, and guys in general seemed... well different to me. As well I have, for my entire life, sat down when using the bathroom. And that is how I lived, as the "different" boy. The boy who wasn't attracted to guys (although I could be if they had the right personality), but loved cute things and envied women's expressive fashion.
To this day I have one feature that I hold to be my biggest evidence of my dysphoria, my voice. Often times when I pick up the phone I'm addressed as "Ma'am", and quite frankly I don't mind it one bit, although I used to.
For the last three years I've been heavy into online gaming. Now this may seem unrelated but I bring this up because only in these last three years have I acted like a girl. I even go on voice chats with my online friends and am still treated and thought of as a girl. I love that, it's great to be myself without having to censor my feminine mannerisms. I even began going out with my current girlfriend (long distance over the net) through these games.
My girlfriend is the first person I came out to. Within the first week I couldn't lie to her about it anymore, and told her that I was a guy, and further explained my situation. We've been together for almost a year now, and she treats me like the girl I feel like. I also came out to my closest friend and his brother about this (all online of course) and they were very accepting.
I feel blessed that I have these people, but at the same time I'm plagued with doubt. You see, I also have a mental condition, Asperger's Disorder. A characterization, and indeed one I'm often pointed out on, is fixed, intense obsessions that come and go. I'm scared that my sudden strong desire to be a female, although it was always in the background, might be a result of this. I can't currently talk to a gender therapist because I need to first apply for, and be accepted on, disability, and then get my own home were I have space to be me.
I know that was a lot and I thank anyone who reads it. I'm desperately looking for any advice on this matter, any ways anyone knows that helped them affirm that these feelings were real, and that this was definitely who they are.
-Jynx Estelle Rosalie
hello and welcome from a fellow aspie.
i understand your concerns, but if it has been around for such a while, i don't think it can really be just an obsession, especially not how you described it.
i think you'll like it here.
now for the usual person to give you the usual (rules and stuff) intro.
Hi Jynx :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here's some quick links to help you along
Please be sure to review
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Hugs
V M
Thanks for sharing, some parts of your story are very familiar to many of us and as you will find out there are some common themes that seem to appear in the lives of most trans people, I was shocked when I discovered that what I thought made me very strange and unlike everyone else was actually shared with most trans people.
I know exactly what you mean with online gaming, I've always played female characters and people would generally think I was a CIS girl, interestingly I've not played anything since I started my transition, seems I started liking the real word a whole lot more :)
Have a great journey where ever you end up going and thanks for sharing!
Hello there! I understand what you're saying. I also have an autism spectrum disorder and yes, I also have the obsessions that come and go. Me being transgender has nothing to do with it though, I assure you. But I've also had your doubts before. If you feel you're a girl, you're one, don't worry.
Welcome and good luck on your journey!
Thanks for the replies~
I've been doing a lot of research on this recently...I go a little overboard with that kind of stuff when I think something is going on (I did the same thing before I was formally diagnosed with Asperger's). In all honesty I welcome the fact that, on the inside, I'm a girl. I'm completely okay with that. The fear that it could be a phase is there yes, but I think the main thing that holds me back from wanting to do anything about it is my current body. I'm overweight currently, and I know that dropping all this extra fat would clear up much of my doubt with future transitioning. I've been actively working on this ever since I decided that looking into ->-bleeped-<- was a thing. Since I will need my own place before I can do anything, and need to wait for disability to start that, for now I'm just focusing on eating less and trying to get more exercise.
-sigh- For now all I can do is that. It's just the waiting to talk to a gender therapist that's killing me. I want to explore this side of me, but while I live with my family I...just can't. My mother already has problems understanding why I do things because of the Asperger's, I don't need to add anything onto that. Although she did ask me a very long time ago if I was gay (believe me I was shocked, I had no idea why she would think that at the time). For now, these replies have made me feel a little more sure of myself. I'll simply continue with the online games and research for the moment.
I thank you all for your replies, and any one else who wishes to leave their thoughts in the future.
Welcome to Susan's. Just take the baby steps as you can. I too am a big gamer but stay away from voice as it would give me a way. Most of my characters are female and I feel it gives me a way to act like I want o and feel like I am with out being judged. It is the on,unreal out I had for a long time. I have made males avi before and found that he was treated differ then my female even with the same group of people. And well I like being a woman more.
It is nice to get the confirmation and from what I hear from you sounds like your research has done you right and brought you here. So best of luck to you on your journey.
Vicky
Hiya, welcome. Do you feel that? I'm beaming reassurance rays at you.
As a very general suggestion, if you are worried that this might be a phase for whatever reason, I think the best thing to do is move slowly and listen to yourself as much as you can. I mean this very generally, not just for transgender issues or for Asperger's, as I'm new to the former and mostly uninformed about the latter. But if you feel this sincerely, I don't think suppressing it is a healthy option, that doesn't mean you have to plunge in.
For what it's worth, a lot of what you wrote feels familiar to me, particularly about gaming with a female persona. (Of course, for me 20 years ago this was a lot easier, as it was all text and no voice.)
Hi Jynx, I love these hijinks! :laugh: I'm from Boston. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. Looking forward to seeing you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Welcome Jynx to Susan's family
Lots of topics to explore and posts to write
Safe passage on your path
Hugs
Thank you for the welcome ^^
I really appreciate all the feedback and reassurance (reassurance rays most definitely received~). That line actually made me giggle to be honest. I feel really welcome here, and have gotten many more replies then the first place I tried, so think you all.