Yesterday was awful and It's been awful again as of lately. I have a horrible time relating to guys ofcourse due to Im trans. I can't see it usually from a guys world. It's all so foreign to me. My eyes see things from a girls view which duh, Im a girl inside. People however dont see it and all. My voice is like a guys, my mannerisms come out like a guy and I look like a guy.
There is this guy Ive been having to work with and deal with for a bit now. He told me that he knows how I feel. I never spoke Im trans or anything. I did tell him Im tired of playing his little boy games and all this other nonsense. That I told him I struggle to relate to guys points of view and more. He sat there saying "I understand what your saying and how you feel.". Now again never saying Im trans or anything. I felt angry. I was like "You dont know how I feel. Did you struggle with the boys on the playground making friends and go over hang with girls where you were more accepted and could relate? So dont tell me you understand as you couldnt." Hes a jerk but I hate when people try to say they get it about something they havent dealt with. he may get fired soon anyways I heard but it never ends. My dysphoria has been up lately bad to.
The whole time Im thinking inside that the only people who get it are trans people. It sucks my situation.
Have you consdidered he may be stuck in a similar situtation, not daring to say anything and his behavior is a direct result of that?
Just saying :D
I think that some cis-guys have trouble relating to a lot of things other guys do, maybe he did.
I don't think anyone who isn't trans can truly understand what we go through, but they can be sympathetic to it and try to understand how we feel. Most gender therapists and people doing research in gender studies aren't trans, I think.
But if he's a jerk otherwise too, and always acted like a jerk, only you would know.
I know how it feels to have really bad dysphoria though. I go through phases like that.
Most people think they understand/know more than they actually do just like most people think they are "better than average" drivers. Maybe he's trying to be supportive when he says he gets it. (I can't read his face or tone from here so I don't know.)
If you have to keep working with him then I hope he will be enlightened by the experience over time. Good luck!
You may also want to consider that many people say "I understand" even if they don't literally understand. I'm guilty of sometimes using that because I don't know how else to express the feeling. Like what genderirrelevant said, minus actually thinking I understand. Context is key, though... sorry for your frustration.
Straight, cis men already understand everything. That's why there's no such thing as womansplaining. You have trouble relating to men? They understand, because they can't relate to women. Got fired for being trans? They can relate, because men are oppressed, too. Your mom just died? They know how you feel, because one time they got dumped.
Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on January 16, 2015, 11:14:34 AM
Straight, cis men already understand everything. That's why there's no such thing as womansplaining. You have trouble relating to men? They understand, because they can't relate to women. Got fired for being trans? They can relate, because men are oppressed, too. Your mom just died? They know how you feel, because one time they got dumped.
Haha. Yes this is it exactly. It's so tiresome listening to men tell me what my problems are and how I should solve them. I have worked with numerous guys like this and I always just totally shut down around this kind of behavior. I just can't interact with this type of person. Strangely I have found on a couple occasions that these are the kind of men who know something is up with me. Why they key into it more im not sure but for instance I had one guy like this who I worked with casually ask me if I wanted to do something sexual with him. Like just in totally normal convo he dropped this and when I told him no he just moved on like nothing happened. I don't know. I'm sure he just thought I was gay. I mean I am attracted to men but certainly was giving him any ideas because he was totally obnoxious.
At the same time I think it is possible that this guy could be trying to tell you something in code. If so its probably less about him understanding you and more about him trying to tell you he's gay or trans or something and feeling like you might understand. More than likely he's just a douchebag though.
Yes, trans people will be the most understanding about specific trans issue's, but anyone can be empathetic to life struggles and feelings. Everyone gets to understand suffering..and suffering is suffering regardless of the cause. How do you know what he has experienced and what he hasn't?
Why does something so insignificantly minor upset you so much?
If you feel he might be picking up on this because he "might" have transdar (it takes one to know one), I'd still recommend caution. He might be trying to get you to come out to him just to use it against you.
I have a co-worker who will publicly shame anyone. He was the first person at work to ask me about my ear studs. I suspect he may be closeted, he has pointed out some of his dress shirts button up on the other side. Still, I won't tell him about me until I get a transition plan in place with HR.
-Alana
Quote from: treeLB on January 16, 2015, 12:47:04 PM
Yes, trans people will be the most understanding about specific trans issue's, but anyone can be empathetic to life struggles and feelings. Everyone gets to understand suffering..and suffering is suffering regardless of the cause. How do you know what he has experienced and what he hasn't?
For all of our sakes we can work toward a broader, more diverse and inclusive definition of manhood and womanhood. I agree that being trans is so subjective that it often feels like "it takes one to know one." I further agree with treeLB that any of us are capable of empathy and compassion. i know plenty of straight, cis and gay men that challenge the dominant paradigm of an unsmiling, unfeeling, colorless and macho image. Having been in loving relationships with men helps inform my attitude perhaps. The work place has a set of expectations that can keep us from revealing all of our truths. One reason they pay us is that many types of dedicated work would not be done by volunteers and some sacrifice to group think can happen? For some folks the workplace is their major social arena and it can dominate how they feel and interact. Having a social playing field where we are one among equals feels better to me.
I must say, I think the OP was being way too judgemental and overly sensitive. Myarkstir and Cin both made excellent points..
We complain when people are too quick to judge up because we are trans, and here's a trans person being just as judgemental..
I've had to deal with people who say exactly the same things to me over other issues. IE I had a supervisor say they understood how I felt wearing hearing aids and dealing with and ear infection because they had a single ear infection as a 6 year old! No.... not really the same as being Deaf, getting an annual infection (instead of a yearly cold etc) and having to shove earmolds in over a very painful one!
Anyhow, I do indeed understand the frustration behind it. The good thing is that there ARE people who can and do identify with your situation (case in point, all the awesome peeps here at Susan's!! ;D ) But that guy, while his answer sounds overly practiced probably IS at least making an attempt to try and understand (or maybe he/she is in the closet!)
In the end, there will always be days when we are more sensitive to this stuff than other days. I came out to a friend who I THOUGHT would get it more than she di. It took her several days to get over what she thought of as me lying to her for 2 years; and I came out to my Dad who I though would take it hard, yet he was really cool about it.
My biggest piece of advice is to take it as positivey as you can, if he says he understands, you likely have an ally and a sympathetic ear (within reason), and those who THINK they understand (Like my example above) are at least trying! (Sometimes they can get VERY trying, but that's life.) Roll with it and if you can't let it roll of like water off a duck.
Here's hoping you have less dysphoria days in the future, they can be rough. :)
Hmmm. This is a tough case to crack. It sounds to me like he's just trying to lend an ear to listen to. I don't he's trying to be a jerk about it, it just might be the way he presents it. I can say I have always been in this role, even before the trans thoughts kicked in. I have always felt like its my job or role to be there for people. When I was little I wanted to be a psychologist. It just felt like the right thing for me. So with you getting all dysphoric out loud so to say, maybe he just wants to try and help. He may not necessarily understand what's on your mind, he just knows that something is bothering you.
I would watch him at work and check out what he does and say to others. If he says the same kind of things to everyone, maybe he is legitimate and and a friendly hand. If he doesn't act this way around others, than you may have a concern.
Just stay strong and hope he's a friend.
Yep yep yep, " i understand". So depending on you, go on and lay it on him, gentley if you feel the need, or no holds barred, blow him out of the water.
After 14 or 15 years of hearing that, I just lay it out there. then, you either get it, or you dont.
Quote from: Larisa1983 on January 16, 2015, 08:58:49 AM
I was like "You dont know how I feel. Did you struggle with the boys on the playground making friends and go over hang with girls where you were more accepted and could relate? So dont tell me you understand as you couldnt." Hes a jerk but I hate when people try to say they get it about something they havent dealt with. he may get fired soon anyways I heard but it never ends. My dysphoria has been up lately bad to.
The whole time Im thinking inside that the only people who get it are trans people. It sucks my situation.
I worked with a trans woman for a year and never realised it, she was presenting as male. Male clothes, male voice, male name, beard... couldn't have presented more male if she had tried. I had no clue and she probably had no clue about me either. We never discussed gender issues or politics. I didn't find out until a few years after she left my work place and transitioned to her female persona.
My point is, maybe that "guy"
was trans. Or, as other people pointed out, even cis guys hate the gender roles society expect of them.