My husband of 14 and a half years nervously came out to me a few days ago so I thought I would join the forum he got so much support from the last couple weeks and learn all I can to help support him during what must be the craziest, most confusing thing a person can go through. And also to find support for myself, mostly in how to transition along with him while maintaining a relationship with my family.
I honestly had NO idea this was coming. He told me he for sure thought he was scattering enough clues for me to piece it together... but seriously. Those weren't clues. I did notice, however, that he was a little depressed lately, but sadly depression has become a normal state and he always puts on a good front even when he is. He was diagnosed as having Type 2 Bi-polar a few years back and we have made efforts to keep his emotional state evened out, or at least try to be mindful to avoid manic periods, but by this point those haven't posed much of a recent threat.
Mostly we had resigned to him living a shadow of a life really. He is quite literally brilliant, shamming sensitive, kind, and the best dad to our 6 year old daughter I could ever hope for. I've always seen the potential to be a powerful earth shaker laying inside him and have tried numerous ways to draw it out without success. Ever since I've known him he's been pretty reclusive, non motivated (beyond the occasional short spurt), inactive, and generally showed no real sign of wanting to take care of himself beyond the basic necessities of bathing and eating. One of my biggest fantasies has been him joining me in working out or yoga, but he had always been so self-conscious and uncomfortable with his body that he wouldn't.
Just before coming out to me something shifted in him. We joined a gym and I could sense that this time was different and he was going to actually go and enjoy it! Today we went to our first yoga class together and I am blown away at the weight that coming out to me has lifted from him, in so many ways. Even the look in his eyes is different. His energy, smile, eagerness to take care of himself. It was like living with a thick, invisible barrier between us that until it is gone, we had no idea was even there. I had honestly given up the hope to experience that close intimacy I was sure exists between couples, and even though that hasn't shown it's full expression yet, I can feel it within reach and it is exciting.
Sure things are going to get interesting to say the least... and scary... and risky... but I finally feel like I have a real partner in life.
I'm sure it hasn't all settled in yet and I probably sound pretty naive even though we have considered many of the details of what this means... but what surprised me the most was my lack of surprise when he told me. And I don't mean lack as in I suspected ANYTHING like this at all, but when he said it it didn't raise any responsive emotions for me. Just question after question looking to understand. And even though it took me a few times saying it for him to start to believe it, I just want him to be something that I have never seen him truly be before - happy.
He told me he would suppress it and continue life as he had if it meant losing me, but I know this is not about me. That is not, nor could it ever be my call to make, and I can't let him do now even if he wanted to.
So, turns out I am a lesbian! Who would have thought?! (My Christian parents will be thrilled) My only requirement is that we become a hot lesbian couple that uses our immense powers for the good of mankind. And hopefully we can keep our sense of humor a midst the adversity we are sure to face.
Hope to get to know and learn from lots of you brave souls! :)
Hi EveryAsh There are an awful lot of us that are instantly envious of your Partner most of us do not recieve such an understanding and loving response from their SO .Live life together and enjoy each other and with luck and understanding You both can achieve a happy future together .You are a wonderful person
AveryAsh
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There are many here that can offer information to help.
Check out the Significant Other boards for peer support.
So many topics to explore and posts to write.
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Izzy
Forum News: new for our members under 18 a new safe place just for you. Youth talk.
This is an amazing story and you are a wonderful woman! I wish you both the best in this journey. Your words made me tear up a bit, tears of joy... and that is rare! Welcome to Susan's!
-Jade
AveryAsh, you're a blessing!
Hi AveryAsh, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. We have a copy of So Now I'm A Lesbian around here somewhere, I'll see if I can find it! :laugh: It's nice to read posts like yours, I'm glad you shared this. See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
You are completely astoundingly awesome, AveryAsh. Your partner is so fortunate to have a loving, caring, open-minded person like you to give support during what I will attest is a difficult and confusing, if wonderful, adventure. Welcome, welcome, welcome!
It's funny, I too am blessed to have a partner who is unhesitatingly supportive, and I had to double-check your username to be sure that it wasn't her finally posting on here. But then I got to the kids part, and we have 3, so it can't be. I love hearing happy stories from others on here.
Thank you for being awesome. The world needs more of you.
Thank you for showing support to your spouse, may this journey be easy for the both of you and I wish you all the best.
Quote from: jeni on January 21, 2015, 08:34:21 AM
I love hearing happy stories from others on here.
Thank you for being awesome. The world needs more of you.
Exactly. Thank you so much for posting this Avery.
Paige :)
Welcome!! I've been where you are, although I didn't react as well as you have (I was terrified). My wife and I are still happily married, and like you, I discovered that it was an amazing and wonderful experience to find out how much she could blossom as she transitioned. :) Please feel free to ask me anything, and I'll offer my usual advice - communicate tons and try to take it one day at a time. You don't sound at all naive, though. You sound like someone who's been thinking things through and isn't easily frightened, and the two of you must be a fantastic couple.
Oh, and you don't have to be a lesbian if you don't want to be, although it sounds like you're fine with it; you will be seen that way when you're married to a woman, but you get to pick your own identification. (I was and am bisexual, actually.)
One last thing - the most recent, gold standard study of trans people shows that about half of all trans women report that their relationships survive, so even if people tell you you're a rare exception, you're in good company. :)
Quote from: blueconstancy on January 21, 2015, 10:02:14 AMOh, and you don't have to be a lesbian if you don't want to be, although it sounds like you're fine with it; you will be seen that way when you're married to a woman, but you get to pick your own identification. (I was and am bisexual, actually.)
Good point. In my case, the label weirdness was before: my wife has always been lesbian, but for some reason was married to a guy. So, for her, the relationship new better fits her label, for what a label is worth (i.e., very little: we love people not labels)
Didn't I tell you all she was rad?
Thanks for joining, babe. We're in good hands; these folks are amazing.
Jeni : Cool; that must have been a relief for her in some ways. :) I also greatly prefer women, so although I'm still bisexual and "lesbian" is still inaccurate... at least it's LESS wrong. It was nice to have the perceived-label align more closely with my real identity, which it sounds like was the case for her as well.
(It did mean that my coming out of the closet got a little overlooked, though. Heh.)
A-Ha! I'd been looking forward to your joining here, but I somehow didn't piece together that you were Abysha's partner until now. I'll blame the spaciness that's either due to my first dose of androgen blockers or a psychosomatic symptom of that... :)
Yes, my wife is really excited about getting to come out and have a relationship that clearly affirms her identifying as L. We're planning to make a slow transition over the next year or thereabouts, but it's getting harder and harder for both of us not to stand up and sing it to the world. But I think we'll be thankful if we maintain our discretion for a while longer...
I love when we have a couple on the site!
Congratulations and welcome. Guess we may need to start some sort of cuddling couples corner?
Hi AveryAsh :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Wow. I knew this was a great place filled with amazing people, and I was right! Thank you everyone, for your support! The contrast of being called things like "completely, astoundingly awesome" (Thank you are) will definitely help even out the ostracism we will definitely encounter. Socially, I'm not worried at all. I could care less what friends and ignorant community members think. Family is another thing all together. I will be perusing the appropriate threads for that topic for a while to come... I've come a long way from the close minded girl my husband married (thanks the gods), something my parents have always feared to the point of keeping me in private school and not encouraging college for fear I may become "secular" and loose all my moral guidelines. (Ended up going anyway and, oops! My mind cracked right on open.) ;)
Quote from: jeni on January 21, 2015, 10:20:23 AM
Good point. In my case, the label weirdness was before: my wife has always been lesbian, but for some reason was married to a guy. So, for her, the relationship new better fits her label, for what a label is worth (i.e., very little: we love people not labels)
So are, did you two get married on the pretense of both of you being completely straight and cis gender? That would be incredibly fortunate that you two ended up together! How long did that last? As far as labels, I'm not worried about people calling me L. (I actually think that's kinda hot) I am not someone who has "always known" I was, and I'm not even saying I am. But in this safe place full of incredible people, I would comfortably call myself (at least curiously) bi-sexual. After he came out I actually said, "So what you're saying is you're going to give me the best of both worlds? I get to be straight and a lesbian in one marriage?" ;D
Quote from: Jade_404 on January 21, 2015, 05:55:03 AM
This is an amazing story and you are a wonderful woman! I wish you both the best in this journey. Your words made me tear up a bit, tears of joy... and that is rare! Welcome to Susan's!
-Jade
Thank you Jade! Reading your response made me tear up!!
Quote from: AveryAsh on January 21, 2015, 02:41:38 PM
So are, did you two get married on the pretense of both of you being completely straight and cis gender? That would be incredibly fortunate that you two ended up together! How long did that last?
There was no pretense, we were sincerely cis, and she was apparently (to me) somewhere between straight and bi. Up until November of last year, I had never allowed myself to believe my transy feelings were more than idle wishes because I somehow "knew" that I could never do anything to fix it. They were enough that I'd told a couple of people over the years, including my wife, and I guess I was serious enough that she remembered it. I knew that she had thought she was lesbian, but only the last few years did I learn how strongly she skewed that way---enough that she actually flatly rejects the possibility that she's bi, she is lesbian but happened to fall in love with a man. It probably helped that she wanted kids, and our arrangement greatly simplified that...
So it is, apparently, a coincidence that has lasted almost 20 years since we first started dating and almost 9 since we got married. I don't think it's a true coincidence, though. I think our emotional connection must be strengthened by something about my personality/attitude that stems from this. Because it is really loopy. Or, as I like to think of it, it's a storybook ending for the next generation. (I think I may have to write that storybook, though).
Welcome to Susan's Avery.
You are an outstanding person.
Your partner is very very lucky to have you.
QuoteQuote from: jeni on January 21, 2015, 05:11:32 PM
So it is, apparently, a coincidence that has lasted almost 20 years since we first started dating and almost 9 since we got married. I don't think it's a true coincidence, though. I think our emotional connection must be strengthened by something about my personality/attitude that stems from this. Because it is really loopy. Or, as I like to think of it, it's a storybook ending for the next generation. (I think I may have to write that storybook, though).
It is really interesting to me to hear how things like this evolve over time. I'm not very much a believer in coincidence necessarily, at least with the bigger things (and most smaller things really). It sounds like both our stories are rather fate like, having such rare entangled interludes that make them perfectly complimentary. For me, thinking about that just adds to the excitement of what our lives have in store for us in this next chapter. We've accomplished so much together with one of us being greatly hindered. I can't wait to see our power couple dynamic in loving, full force.
And, I would buy your story book if you wrote it, and would read it to my daughter. ;)
My wife of 40+ years and i spoke about our early attraction and casual dating. We both had prior experiences that could have informed us of a queer or Bi orientation. We concluded that much of our attraction for one another was an intuitive sense for fitting well with a mildly counter culture and far less traditional sort of relationship than we had known. We have been pushing the envelop open since then and encourage each other to live fully and authentically and to realize our dreams.
Coincidence? Maybe. And maybe there is something deeper in the dance of romance that helped us to see some special potential in one another that we needed. I needed a lot of hand holding to get free and be here today. Forever grateful and in love with my darling.
Yes, please do write those books.
I actually used to say all the time that I mostly prefer women in terms of orientation and 99.99% prefer women for relationships, but "happened to end up with the one person in the world who was perfect for me, and [X] had a penis." Well, oops. :)
(I also wonder, now, if phrasing it that way was kind of prescient; she and I both sort of assumed all along that for her penis = guy, and hey, it turns out not so much.)
:)
I occasionally used to make the tired, obnoxious joke about being a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Except it wasn't a joke!
(My wife pointed this out. Apparently I'd said something like that 20 years ago when I first told her I'd wished I'd been female. At the time she was sort of annoyed because she assumed I was just another guy with a thing for lesbians...)
I'll try not to be pushy, but seriously consider counselling. There are issues that you will run into that won't cross your mind until later. You and your now wife are going to be going through a lot of changes. Surgeries, rearrangement of how you view life and other people etc. At least you have already been in a long term relationship, and have made it this far.
Right after I transitioned, I met a girl through another transgender. So far I had only had my chest done, but where I came from, once that was done, you could legally be a male. I expected this girl to flip out. I'd only been dating her for a couple of weeks, but felt I needed to know how she would react before we got any closer. She seemed to accept it right away, and we talked all night. Two years later we were married, and seven years after that, divorced. Why? In short because she didn't really believe I was a man.
The point of me telling you that is not to make you fearful of what will happen, but rather to encourage you both to get counseling to prepare for the things that you will face ahead. Once the adrenelin rush is over, and life settles down, you may run into Dr.s who are biased, friends who have a problem with your marriage. Even if these things don't bother you personally, its hard to deal with how others may think.
I give you a lot of credit for realizing that your "husband", now your wife (actually she always was), is the same person you married and are willing to go through all the psych tests and surgeries. Those experiences can make you even closer. Kind of like going through a battle together.
Sam1234
Thank you sam1234, for your honest reply. Going through what you did, I would have written the exact same thing. While we are enjoying our state of euphoria for sure, we are still very aware that EVERYTHING is going to change and it's not going to be easy by any means. Counseling is our first step and we just enrolled in an insurance plan that lists them as a preferred provider. We're going to be as realistic and open with each other as possible. Everything just feels so much more right. It is strange to try to articulate, but there had always been a wall of some sort between us. Not of distrust or even the feeling one of us was hiding anything. Just an invisible wall that has gone. I thought I could live with it, a state of mediocrity really, but now I finally get to chance to feel that deeper connection I have always thought could be there. We will continue counseling likely for year and years and I look forward to that too.
I might add that I'm sure the hard core realization that my husband of almost 15 years IS really a woman, not just wants to be one, will take a little time to solidify. But I'm going to try my best, and I think I can get there :)
I wish you both well. Keep the lines of communication open between you.
Sam1234
Quote from: AveryAsh on February 09, 2015, 09:23:58 PM
I might add that I'm sure the hard core realization that my husband of almost 15 years IS really a woman, not just wants to be one, will take a little time to solidify. But I'm going to try my best, and I think I can get there :)
You just get more awesome every time you post!
Hi AveryAsh,
What a wonderful story thank you sharing. You will be a wonderful support system through this process.
Quote from: jeni on February 10, 2015, 09:20:39 AM
You just get more awesome every time you post!
Awww... Jennifer (or, are?) you are so awesome yourself! You were (and still are) such an amazing support to my "husband" on here in the very beginning and I am so grateful to you for that. Sometimes when I stop to think about how lonely and hopeless she must have felt and for how long it just makes me cry. I wish I could have been there for her earlier somehow, but know full well that the time would not have been right. I would not have been as ready to understand or as fearless and confident myself in standing up for her, and us, against whatever we may face.
I think I will transition to using "she" as opposed to he, at least on here. I can't yet in daily life, but I find myself almost needing to use it when I am speaking to myself and it makes me smile and carries such a sense of joy with the idea of changing those simple yet powerful words.
Reading all of this just warms my heart :)
Hi AveryAsh and welcome to Susan's. It wonderful when couples can grow together during the transition period. Thank you for this wonderful story.
:)