Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Just a little experiment to gauge the Dysphoria of our little closed system. I'm bearable as long as I have HRT., but even with HRT it still is sometimes intolerable .

After HRT and name change I had to put a #1 as it no longer affects me at all. I am still waiting on SRS, but that is all and my new life has made Dysphoria almost unnoticed.  :)

The only thing I worry about is using a public restroom when dressed up all lady like. Other than that, I'm doing great.

I have started HRT yet, so there are some days when it is all that I think about.  It seems to totally consume my every waking moment, and most of my sleeping moments too.

I think I've exacerbated mine by adopting this identity, online.  Like, I've gotten a taste of what being Daria is like, and now, she's all I want to be.  I just want to walk out of this room, go somewhere, be recognized as Daria, even if I'm not presenting as a girl, and not have to worry about being... this other guy... for a while. 

I'm also kind of crushing something fierce for this one girl I met online who lives near me.  She's part of a local college's Gay-Straight Alliance and has been super supportive of me lately, trying to link me to others in the community.  Given, I'm almost 10 years older than her, nowhere near a start in transition, and she supposedly has a girlfriend, already.  And I know a lot of this is just me attaching to someone who's being extremely kind to me,  But it's also flaring up the dysphoria because, like, I have these thoughts about her, then remember... I'm still this "guy", and she's total Gold Star.  Which I would be too... I think.  Never been with a guy, so... I don't know.  Does being born male disqualify me?  Silly thought, I know, but still a thought.  I know it's just a silly crush.  I still have silly crushes in my 30s, I know. I should be dying of embarrassment admitting that.  But I'm crushing on this girl, knowing that I have boy parts, and realizing that, even if she were single and I had even the slightest chance of being with her, these parts could get in the way.  Even if no one intends them to be, because, they're there.

Pre transition, it was close to a 10. I was ready to have a breakdown. Now it's more like 2-3 but only because I'm not out everywhere yet.

But HRT is having a weird effect. The dysphoria is more or less gone, so everything is just pretty much comfortable. In fact, it is extremely weird having this level of "normal." Don't get me wrong, it's a good feeling, it's just something brand new to my life.

Yeah 9 before coming out, and the knowledge that it was only going to edge toward 10 in the coming years and decades helped the choice.
Now, I guess i feel self conscious that i have a guys body and face, but knowing im on the road to correcting this, and have friends who accept me.. never been happier. Maybe a 3?

An eight or nine.  I can't focus on anything else a lot of the time.  It's ruining my life.

looks like we are approaching the theoretical Bell  Curve for distribution.

Pre HRT, I would say 9. I did manage to slowly work my way through college, mostly because the work itself was an escape from dysphoria, but I could do nothing else but eat, sleep, and walk in the woods - all solitary activities to numb the pain and hide my incorrect body from others. I had several rounds of severe depression and suicidal thoughts and hated everything about myself.

On HRT, it is still at least 7. I am still dysphoric about my hair loss, my body shape, my junk and resultant ongoing (albeit reduced) testosterone poisoning, my legal name, and facial hair (in that order). It is still so bad that I feel I can't work. But the mental and physical feminization I had in the fall gave me new hope for my future, and for the first time since before puberty, I actually do not hate myself. As I continue to address the above problems, I hope my dysphoria will become milder, but for now, it is still the single biggest obstacle in my life.

im not yet transitioned but im getting on hrt realy realy soon but untill then since ever my dysphoria stands on a fine 8-9-10 [its usualy around 8 but often goes over to 10 in wich cases i feel i cant focus on doing any tasks im assigned to at work and just feel like going to sleep and wake up after its gone]

unless i have a creative project to distract myself, it starts to consume me all over again. and even when i am distracted, its still just chilling there in the back of my mind.

i vote 6-7 at the moment

It varies from day to day, but always a 7 or better. Last night it got bad again when I went to Target with my wife and daughter to look at shoes. Its really frustrating to walk by the women's section and to woman's shoes and look at all the things I can't have[yet???].   Right now I am walking a thin line tryng to keep my marriage together and doing little things like getting my nails done to help alleviate my dysphoria. I am so torn between losing my wife of 24 years and being true to my self and becoming the woman I was meant to be. Like I told my therapist, it seems like a choice between having my right arm torn off or my left arm torn off.  This dilemma along with gender dysphoria is almost more than  can bear at times.

Pre HRT 9-10

Since HRT 1-2

I am pretty much cured.

now all we need is for all the members of Susan's to vote to find the shape of the curve.

Quote from: Tori on January 24, 2015, 07:43:22 PM
Pre HRT 9-10

Since HRT 1-2

I am pretty much cured.

interesting I think if we separated the two groups we'd have an inverted Bell Curve.

3-4 while living full time, with HRT

The main things that bother me are certain co-workers still using male pronouns and my old name. It makes work feel like a pain, and while it doesn't affect my performance or career, it does make me dislike the idea of interacting with co-workers and being there.

Aside from that there's times my mood sinks considerably when things like babies come up, or when I'm reminded of things I just didn't get to have like childhood experiences and the like.

Does the level fluctuate wildly for anyone else?  Earlier today, I was at a five or so; I was having a good morning.  All afternoon/evening though I've been at a ten. 

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on January 24, 2015, 09:10:50 PM
Does the level fluctuate wildly for anyone else?  Earlier today, I was at a five or so; I was having a good morning.  All afternoon/evening though I've been at a ten.

My vote was pretty much an average, since I know I do have reaaallly low moments each month, but likewise there's days where I'm all sunshine and rainbows.

I think it's normal for it to fluctuate constantly.

yea, I go up and down

Good question.  I was actually struggling with that just a couple hours ago....

I live and work as Jennifer.  I have transitioned.  I've had FFS and an orchi.  SRS is three months out.  I am happier than I have ever been..well, most of the time.

I'm up at my resort in Northern MN this weekend.  We are closed for the winter but I have one cabin that I can heat up and use for a weekend.  I came up because I have some legal things to go through up here on Monday. 

So, I haven't bought any cold weather work outside gear in a couple of years.  I didn't think anything about putting on a sports bra and my old boy work  clothes so that I can get some maintenance done while I'm here (small place).  Ugh!!!  That was dumb!  Dysphoria hit like a ton of bricks.  I almost started crying. I was shaking.  I wore these things to hide my true self.  What am I doing wearing them now?  I want my own clothes.  They will only be a little different and I'll be doing the same things but I won't be hiding.   I wasn't ready for that....

Hugs,

Jen   

1-2 these days.

Quote from: JLT1 on January 24, 2015, 09:29:30 PM
Good question.  I was actually struggling with that just a couple hours ago....

I live and work as Jennifer.  I have transitioned.  I've had FFS and an orchi.  SRS is three months out.  I am happier than I have ever been..well, most of the time.

I'm up at my resort in Northern MN this weekend.  We are closed for the winter but I have one cabin that I can heat up and use for a weekend.  I came up because I have some legal things to go through up here on Monday. 

So, I haven't bought any cold weather work outside gear in a couple of years.  I didn't think anything about putting on a sports bra and my old boy work  clothes so that I can get some maintenance done while I'm here (small place).  Ugh!!!  That was dumb!  Dysphoria hit like a ton of bricks.  I almost started crying. I was shaking.  I wore these things to hide my true self.  What am I doing wearing them now?  I want my own clothes.  They will only be a little different and I'll be doing the same things but I won't be hiding.   I wasn't ready for that....

Hugs,

Jen   

I have two pair of my old work jeans left to get rid of, I use to use them in case my good stuff was dirty , now every time I pass by them this awful sense of bad vibes jumps at me. Must get rid of.

One or two now.  Was once a 10.  Transition works.

6-7 from 7 am to 7 pm
8-9 from 7 pm to 7 am
4-5 when I keep myself really busy or am under work related pressure.
10 once every 15 days or so.

I put 7-8. Right now it's definitely a 10 though, which explains why I'm on Susan's. I don't often let myself think about sex, reproduction, circumcision, motherhood, SRS, the male juice charging through my veins, etc. It just becomes overwhelming because you realize that not only have you been screwed but that nodoby who can do anything gives a damn.