At a leisurely supper tonight, my wife and best friend of 35 years came undone. All the anger and rage that has been building for at least a year came out. All of the adjectives that you know were used: "creepy, crazy, bizarre, irresponsible" were just a few. I know you know. She finally said, "If you are a woman, we need to get a divorce and you go live your crazy life somewhere without me or your girls." I have been in slow transition for nearly a year, and tried to educate and to not push too hard. I thought she was at least understanding of the process and what I feel I am, but evidently not. I am 64, been married for 33 years, and am between a rock and a hard place. I know who I am and what I am, but I don't know if I have the energy and courage to do what needs to be done. I start HRT in 2 weeks, have and idea of where I want FFS, and ultimately have believed that SRS was to follow. That seemed like it was so far down the road. But, here I am at a decision point. Give up transitioning or lose what I have. I know many others have been at this exact spot and feel the loneliness, numbness, and terror that it offers. I just feel so tired. But, someplace deep in, there is a calm that I cannot explain. I like me and who I am and will not hurt myself..not an option here. So, just wanted to say to others that are alone as a result of this calling that I know what the depths are like. It hurts, really hurts. Blessings to all my sisters.
I just want to send you a hug. I am not married and have no kids so I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for you right now. So sorry your loved one can not understand. :(
HUGS!!!!!
-Jade
I'm sorry Sheila - I've been in your shoes before (I was married 27 years).
Ultimately, I was faced with a tough decision - and I chose life; I chose to be the authentic me.
That choice came with consequences. I am divorced, not by my choice.
You know, it's good to be alive and to be the authentic me. I simply could not keep living the lie and drinking myself to death.
I'm sorry that your wife exploded on you - its tough.
I wish for the best for you as you navigate these rough waters.
Hugs Sheila,
I am sorry this happened to you.
I know if I was not on HRT I would not be here.
What ever you decide, we are here to support you.
Quote from: Eva Marie on January 23, 2015, 09:43:33 PM
I'm sorry Sheila - I've been in your shoes before (I was married 27 years).
Ultimately, I was faced with a tough decision - and I chose life; I chose to be the authentic me.
That choice came with consequences. I am divorced, not by my choice.
You know, it's good to be alive and to be the authentic me. I simply could not keep living the lie and drinking myself to death.
I'm sorry that your wife exploded on you - its tough.
Eva Marie- Thank you so much for those words. I hear what it means to be on the "otherside" of this decision and that gives me hope. That is all that you can ask for from others. I will keep you posted as this evolves. Hugs and blessings, Sheila
You need to tell her you gave her 35 years and your kids. When is it going to be your turn? She's confused and hurt, and it's a toss of the coin how the outcome will be, but be true to yourself. You could be gone tomorrow, don't you wanna enjoy these last moments true to your heart; ) good luck!
Good luck and hugs, Sheila. I've only been with wife for 15 years, but we're in the same boat right. I'm here with you. Know that natter what, you have kindred spirits out there. You are not alone.
Quote from: Cynobyte on January 23, 2015, 10:10:31 PM
You need to tell her you gave her 35 years and your kids. When is it going to be your turn? She's confused and hurt, and it's a toss of the coin how the outcome will be, but be true to yourself. You could be gone tomorrow, don't you wanna enjoy these last moments true to your heart; ) good luck!
I hear what you are saying and completely agree. The problem that I face now is I am at the spot that I just spent a long time THINKING about. It's here and I just hurt. But, what you say is what I believe. Thanks and hugs, Sheila
Quote from: ChiGirl on January 23, 2015, 10:44:44 PM
Good luck and hugs, Sheila. I've only been with wife for 15 years, but we're in the same boat right. I'm here with you. Know that natter what, you have kindred spirits out there. You are not alone.
Thanks so much. It is really comforting to know that I am not alone in this. I KNOW that, but seeing it in these responses is really good for my soul. Hugs.
Hi Sheila! It has taken me a while to reply to this one as I myself lived through it. I was only married for 16 years though. I lost a marriage, 16 year old daughter, well, all the things we lose in our journey. My mother and 15 year old son did stay with me and have been supportive so you never quite know about children and family who will stay with you. With all of this happening I came to a conclusion. NOTHING last's forever, nothing. Those who chose to leave did so of their own free will which we have to let them do or be hypocrites ourselves. We cannot demand that people bow to our needs anymore than us to them. They chose to leave and go their own ways in life just as we are, so hold not guilt or shame for what you have to do for your health and happiness. I know your pain and the fact no words will help as only time will. We have both along with most here found our true purpose for life and that is worth more than any tangible asset on this Earth. You will heal some day and your life will be happy and free from this point on. It hurts to let go of loved ones and the familiar, but we are so strong in heart and soul that some day we will heal completely. Hang in there girl as you have an incredible community with you on the voyage. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 24, 2015, 01:56:46 PM
Hi Sheila! It has taken me a while to reply to this one as I myself lived through it. I was only married for 16 years though. I lost a marriage, 16 year old daughter, well, all the things we lose in our journey. My mother and 15 year old son did stay with me and have been supportive so you never quite know about children and family who will stay with you. With all of this happening I came to a conclusion. NOTHING last's forever, nothing. Those who chose to leave did so of their own free will which we have to let them do or be hypocrites ourselves. We cannot demand that people bow to our needs anymore than us to them. They chose to leave and go their own ways in life just as we are, so hold not guilt or shame for what you have to do for your health and happiness. I know your pain and the fact no words will help as only time will. We have both along with most here found our true purpose for life and that is worth more than any tangible asset on this Earth. You will heal some day and your life will be happy and free from this point on. It hurts to let go of loved ones and the familiar, but we are so strong in heart and soul that some day we will heal completely. Hang in there girl as you have an incredible community with you on the voyage. :)
Jessica- I sit here with tears at your reply. You have painted a picture of the journey and I am saddened for all the loss that this brings. Your reminders about shedding baggage and about expectations are well received. But, knowing that people of heart, like you, come through this with courage and willingness to help the pain of others. This is remarkable and I hope I have the same qualities that you have "on the other side". Bless you. Sheila
Quote from: Sheila Grace on January 24, 2015, 02:49:09 PM
I hope I have the same qualities that you have "on the other side". Bless you. Sheila
You have them Sheila, they are just buried in what seems to be an insurmountable task, but you have more heart and soul than you can possibly realize right now. There will be very bad days as my epic meltdowns of the past here can prove, but one day you will go from covered in mud to being cleaned by the coolest, purest spring water and the rest of your life will be wonderful and fulfilling. When the bad days hit you always have someone here to vent to. We girls are special and NOTHING can kill our spirit to succeed. Be strong my sister and when you can't we will carry you! :) :) :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 24, 2015, 03:12:05 PM
You have them Sheila, they are just buried in what seems to be an insurmountable task, but you have more heart and soul than you can possibly realize right now. There will be very bad days as my epic meltdowns of the past here can prove, but one day you will go from covered in mud to being cleaned by the coolest, purest spring water and the rest of your life will be wonderful and fulfilling. When the bad days hit you always have someone here to vent to. We girls are special and NOTHING can kill our spirit to succeed. Be strong my sister and when you can't we will carry you! :) :) :)
That is a beautiful epitaph. It warms my soul on a cold day. Sheila
A major league hug to you Sheila.
My wife and I have been together for well over 30 years, no kids. Dropping the T-Bomb came as a complete surprise to her. After all, I was "just a cross-dresser", or so I hoped and strived for. That much and more she knew from day 1.
Over the course of these past 6 years I've had quite a few of these "WTF am I doing???" meltdowns, often brought on by the negative impact on my wife and our dreams. Yet one guiding principle that got me wondering down this road kept me on it
"I know what Does Not work"
Over a span of 30-40 years I lost my humanity. I slowly stopped allowing myself to be a person, kept myself overwhelmed with diversions and distractions in order to deaden the noise, which also deadened my soul. In just a few short months between my TG support group, self help books and introspection my life began turning around. I has slowly healing as I struggled with new ways to manage my dysphoria.
Starting HRT is a whole new level of "This is for REAL" your wife is struggling with. It is not easy seeing the image of your man fadding. This factor will always hurt my wife. Though not as often I still get directly or variations of "I did not marry a woman...." Our love for now is keeping us together. If I fully transition I doubt it will be enough. Plus we both place the others happiness above our own.
Perhaps low dose HRT for a period will be a compromise? Or just an AA may bring about the relief you seek?
Which Pain is Worse? - Life and living is always a compromise
Quote from: JoanneB on January 25, 2015, 09:46:01 AM
A major league hug to you Sheila.
My wife and I have been together for well over 30 years, no kids. Dropping the T-Bomb came as a complete surprise to her. After all, I was "just a cross-dresser", or so I hoped and strived for. That much and more she knew from day 1.
Over the course of these past 6 years I've had quite a few of these "WTF am I doing???" meltdowns, often brought on by the negative impact on my wife and our dreams. Yet one guiding principle that got me wondering down this road kept me on it
"I know what Does Not work"
Over a span of 30-40 years I lost my humanity. I slowly stopped allowing myself to be a person, kept myself overwhelmed with diversions and distractions in order to deaden the noise, which also deadened my soul. In just a few short months between my TG support group, self help books and introspection my life began turning around. I has slowly healing as I struggled with new ways to manage my dysphoria.
Starting HRT is a whole new level of "This is for REAL" your wife is struggling with. It is not easy seeing the image of your man fadding. This factor will always hurt my wife. Though not as often I still get directly or variations of "I did not marry a woman...." Our love for now is keeping us together. If I fully transition I doubt it will be enough. Plus we both place the others happiness above our own.
Perhaps low dose HRT for a period will be a compromise? Or just an AA may bring about the relief you seek?
Which Pain is Worse? - Life and living is always a compromise
Joanne- Many, many thanks for this. It is a primer in so many ways and reminds me of the road that HAS been taken for many years. Work, alcohol, exercise, you name it and I have used it to keep on the straight and narrow. My wife and I have always, though, had a common ground that once one of us said, "this is not just me, it is a calling", that the other backed off and if not supportive, did not antagonize the other's pursuit. I have invoked that here, but it is just so foreign to her in so many ways, and it hightens her own fear about aging and loss and lack, etc. It is such a potent and radically life altering vortex to be called to and then to have to call loved ones to it, makes it even more complex and difficult. I know you know. I could not create in my mind a more challenging set of issues to put before those who are called/birthed to transgender than what the path is leading to, especially to those of us who bonded early and transitioned late. But, I know one thing: I am responsible only for my own integrity. I have said that for many years, but having to live it is another thing!!!!
I have shared stopping testosterone with my wife and she has seen the loss of weight and muscle mass, and sensed a less aggressive mate. But, I have not wanted to go into HRT with her yet, as I am worried that she will really freak. I want to be able to say in 4 months, in a matter of fact way, "I feel better than I ever have after taking a little estrogen". I will try to live into this and see where we go. But, so many thanks for your reminders, experience, strength and most of all...hope. Blessings, Sheila Grace
Hugs to you Shiela.
Married "only" 10 years here. I feel some of your pain at least.
A Big Hug Sheila. I too am older, 59, married with a 16 yo son, and my wife is of the same mindset which has held me back from making any more advances. The thought of losing my son is just too horrible to imagine, yet I don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade. You have so much strength to even have begun, I have to commend you for even beginning transition. It is an incredibly hard choice to make, especially as we are in our later years. Know that others of us who are in the same state share your pain and will be here for you no matter what you decide and how you proceed. Have you found a good local support group?
Best wishes on your your journey.
Hugs,
Quote from: traci_k on January 26, 2015, 07:31:11 AM
A Big Hug Sheila. I too am older, 59, married with a 16 yo son, and my wife is of the same mindset which has held me back from making any more advances. The thought of losing my son is just too horrible to imagine, yet I don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade. You have so much strength to even have begun, I have to commend you for even beginning transition. It is an incredibly hard choice to make, especially as we are in our later years. Know that others of us who are in the same state share your pain and will be here for you no matter what you decide and how you proceed. Have you found a good local support group?
Best wishes on your your journey.
Hugs,
Thanks, Traci. The age differential sure makes the primary relationship issues more volitile. The question that I get from my wife that really hurts is: "Why didn't you know about this years ago?" It is so hard in the midst of anger, fear, and abandonment issues to try and convey to her that it is something that has evolved over many years to a point that I cannot ignore it. There are only so many ways to say that it is not a choice, it is an imperative. I cannnot not be who I am any longer. I know you know what that means. I have two girls and would do anything for them....except not honor my own integrity. I have a great therapist and understanding friends, but do not have a great support group. I am looking for a place to share these things, and will keep you posted. Blessings, Sheila
When people ask me why I did not come out earlier or hide it so long I simply tell them we are programmed by society to KEEP it to ourselves. Finally I hit the level of discomfort where hiding was no longer possible. :)
Shelia, you are doing nothing illegal, nothing that would endanger your family, but it is quite troubling to your wife. I certainly hope a reasonable agreement can be reached, but if it cannot, she should be the one vacating the unbearable situation, not you.
Our dialog changed quite a bit after I said that to my wife, and it may have played a small part in her acceptance and support. (Time, therapists, and talk played a much larger role.)
Best wishes
MsVal
Some of my friends and acquaintances at their 50s or 60s, sometimes say to me that they envy me, not for my beauty or health, but for being able to do what I really want to do. Most of them have maintained successful and exemplar career in various areas. Now they become a kind of leader in their own arena. But, they say that they have studied and worked hard for others, not for themselves. They indeed want to do what they really wanted to do as they grow older. But they say they still can not do. One of high-ranking government officers once said to me that he also wants to have shoulder-length hair like me, but he still can not do. He said that he is afraid that he may regret his lack of courage in his later life.
Sometimes newspaper and magazines here report those stories that a few brave men started travelling around the world by their motorcycle or car, after quitting their job. One of my colleagues (academic professor) used to say that he always wanted to be a rock singer, and he still wants, but can not. Some go to Nepal to climb the pristine high mountains.
A few of my friends call me 'my way' person. My job is very stable and I already got a tenure position, securing a pension enough for my and my wife's later life. I have sustained my kids without any serious problem, albeit, it was not perfect. My family think that I have done everything as a dad and a husband. Then, is it wrong that I start enjoying what I really want to do without harming any person?
Yes. Sometimes some people bla bla that my wearing skirt can be bad for education of my kids or students and jeopardize my careers, and all other those classical and ubiquitous remarks on transgender.
Fortunately those negative remarks have steadily decreased, and nowadays I seldom hear those negative statements. They accept or acknowledge my right to express myself, and at least do not oppose to it explicitly.
barbie~~
Oh. One thing is different. I gave up HRT, as the doctor said that he does not prescribe estrogen and other medicine for those who are married. He said he will do if I visit again with my wife and she agrees.
You may need extreme patience, and it can take longer time for your significant others to gradually understand and accept your new life.
barbie~~
Quote from: Sheila Grace on January 26, 2015, 09:03:53 PM
The question that I get from my wife that really hurts is: "Why didn't you know about this years ago?" It is so hard in the midst of anger, fear, and abandonment issues to try and convey to her that it is something that has evolved over many years to a point that I cannot ignore it. There are only so many ways to say that it is not a choice, it is an imperative. I cannnot not be who I am any longer.
This is probably the toughest thing for any SO to understand. I get the same question. The important thing is you understand and once some of anger subsides, you will be able to explain. She still may refuse to understand, but you are doing your best. And I know it seems at times like her anger will never subside, it will. Even my wife's anger, which knows no limits has come down and we've been able to talk and not yell.
Good luck and hugs. Remember that you are not alone.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 26, 2015, 09:07:53 PM
When people ask me why I did not come out earlier or hide it so long I simply tell them we are programmed by society to KEEP it to ourselves. Finally I hit the level of discomfort where hiding was no longer possible. :)
I got this same question (why didn't you know?) from my ex along with all of the other typical questions and statements (ie: I married a man!!).
I'd like to expand on what Jessica said.
When I was a kid I didn't know what transgender meant even though I was clearly transgender. How do you become something that you are unaware of? I was raised in the southern U.S. in the 60's and that was the era of 3 TV channels, leaded gas, no internet, church every Sunday, and very clearly defined social roles for men and women. There was absolutely no information anywhere in my little world to tell me what being transgender meant and no acceptance of anyone that was gender variant. Anyone who came out as trans would have been considered "gay" and would have been spurned by society using religion as the reason. I had a relative that was a gay male and I remember the whispering and the disapproval of the adults that went on about him - it was a shameful thing, a scarlet letter, a family secret to be hidden away from everyone. Looking back now I feel sorry for him given what I know he must have gone through.
It was obvious to me that I must be a guy; after all I had a dingus and I had been raised as a boy - it seemed to be an irrefutable issue. Still, something wasn't right about it.
It took me until I was 42 to begin to piece it together and begin to undo everything I had been taught about myself.
I recently saw a graph in a video that was made by Zinna Jones; it showed the ages when people figured out they were trans. The highest point in the graph was at the age of 42. When did I begin to figure this out? When I was about 42. I asked my therapist about the age of her clients and she told me that she had lots of clients that were my age or older.
So some of us knew at an early age, and some of us didn't begin to figure it out until much later in life because of society or a lack of access to information (or both), and that was my answer to this question that was asked by my ex.
Quote from: MsVal on February 07, 2015, 09:13:44 AM
Shelia, you are doing nothing illegal, nothing that would endanger your family, but it is quite troubling to your wife. I certainly hope a reasonable agreement can be reached, but if it cannot, she should be the one vacating the unbearable situation, not you.
Our dialog changed quite a bit after I said that to my wife, and it may have played a small part in her acceptance and support. (Time, therapists, and talk played a much larger role.)
Best wishes
MsVal
Thanks Val- Boundary setting is part of the process and I am just not used to it in this arena. Fortunately, I do not get lost in the "shame" cycle and am intent on honoring my own integrity. Thanks for the prompting!!!! Blessings, Sheila
Quote from: barbie on February 07, 2015, 10:06:58 AM
Oh. One thing is different. I gave up HRT, as the doctor said that he does not prescribe estrogen and other medicine for those who are married. He said he will do if I visit again with my wife and she agrees.
You may need extreme patience, and it can take longer time for your significant others to gradually understand and accept your new life.
barbie~~
Barbie- Thank you for the simple reminder: PATIENCE! BTW, you are a very pretty woman. Continue what you are doing!!! Blessings, Sheila
Quote from: Eva Marie on February 07, 2015, 12:12:00 PM
I got this same question (why didn't you know?) from my ex along with all of the other typical questions and statements (ie: I married a man!!).
I'd like to expand on what Jessica said.
When I was a kid I didn't know what transgender meant even though I was clearly transgender. How do you become something that you are unaware of? I was raised in the southern U.S. in the 60's and that was the era of 3 TV channels, leaded gas, no internet, church every Sunday, and very clearly defined social roles for men and women. There was absolutely no information anywhere in my little world to tell me what being transgender meant and no acceptance of anyone that was gender variant. Anyone who came out as trans would have been considered "gay" and would have been spurned by society using religion as the reason. I had a relative that was a gay male and I remember the whispering and the disapproval of the adults that went on about him - it was a shameful thing, a scarlet letter, a family secret to be hidden away from everyone. Looking back now I feel sorry for him given what I know he must have gone through.
It was obvious to me that I must be a guy; after all I had a dingus and I had been raised as a boy - it seemed to be an irrefutable issue. Still, something wasn't right about it.
It took me until I was 42 to begin to piece it together and begin to undo everything I had been taught about myself.
I recently saw a graph in a video that was made by Zinna Jones; it showed the ages when people figured out they were trans. The highest point in the graph was at the age of 42. When did I begin to figure this out? When I was about 42. I asked my therapist about the age of her clients and she told me that she had lots of clients that were my age or older.
So some of us knew at an early age, and some of us didn't begin to figure it out until much later in life because of society or a lack of access to information (or both), and that was my answer to this question that was asked by my ex.
Eva Marie- This is a concise descriptive of my own journey in many ways. However, I went to chemical dependency treatment at 42. It was back in the days when insurance would pay for long treatment. I am thankful everyday for the 6 months I spent there. But, during those months, I was forced to look back on my gender and sexuality issues and simply thought I had a cross-dressing fetish. No one had any clues, and it was not until my retirement that the pieces finally began to come together. The work had been something I used consistently to damp the questions that my thoughts and occasional behavior generated. How many times did I dump my beautiful breast forms and heels in the dumpster and say "never again"? I see the pathway clearly now, and have had lovely guidance from a wonderful krone therapist and from people like you. I empathize with my SO about her confusion, and am being very patient as I continue to frequently describe for her the way that I see the pieces finally falling into place. I recount that as often as she asks, and sense that she is hoping that I will come to some different conclusion. But, I am past the "shame" that was initially generated, and feel that I can save only one life here, and it is mine. I am sorry that you had to sacrifice your marriage to be who really are, but your courage and example provide the standards that I need to hold before me. I will, like you, do what it takes. Thanks for being in the midst of this. Blessings, Sheila
Quote from: ChiGirl on February 07, 2015, 11:05:14 AM
This is probably the toughest thing for any SO to understand. I get the same question. The important thing is you understand and once some of anger subsides, you will be able to explain. She still may refuse to understand, but you are doing your best. And I know it seems at times like her anger will never subside, it will. Even my wife's anger, which knows no limits has come down and we've been able to talk and not yell.
Good luck and hugs. Remember that you are not alone.
ChiGirl-Thanks for this. It reminds me of a saying I heard lately" "Do your best and forget the rest!!!!" Amen. Blessings and hugs, Sheila
Quote from: Sheila Grace on February 07, 2015, 01:38:18 PM
I empathize with my SO about her confusion,
Hi Sheila,
I'm 27 years married and 52. My wife knew almost from the start of our relationship, but back then we both thought I could get over it. Many times I tried. It wasn't until recently that the medical community realized that you just don't get over gender dysphoria.
I even went as far as almost submitting paperwork to the Clarke Institute in Toronto back in the late 80s but chickened out. It was where "transsexuals" in Ontario went in those days to get help. From what I've heard since, I was lucky because the Psychiatrists running it were very hostile to transgender people at the time and there was absolutely no smooth sailing with that program.
The thing I'm trying to get at, is even if you did know everything back then, society was no where near as accepting as it is now. It was a very brave girl who transitioned back then.
The other thing I bring up to my wife is that she has had 27 years of my life on her terms. I have done all the husband and father duties. She and the kids have had a pretty good life. She has known I've struggled with this my entire life, at what point do I deserve a little empathy?
Anway that's just my thoughts, take care,
Paige :)
I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face. I can barely understand what you must be feeling and going through. Ive had 2 long-term marriages fail, and have only recently begun to understand why - they married an image I presented, and that even I believed in. I don't have any advice to offer, only feelings of heartfelt compassion and some degree of understanding.
Quote from: Paige on February 07, 2015, 02:12:32 PM
Hi Sheila,
I'm 27 years married and 52. My wife knew almost from the start of our relationship, but back then we both thought I could get over it. Many times I tried. It wasn't until recently that the medical community realized that you just don't get over gender dysphoria.
I even went as far as almost submitting paperwork to the Clarke Institute in Toronto back in the late 80s but chickened out. It was where "transsexuals" in Ontario went in those days to get help. From what I've heard since, I was lucky because the Psychiatrists running it were very hostile to transgender people at the time and there was absolutely no smooth sailing with that program.
The thing I'm trying to get at, is even if you did know everything back then, society was no where near as accepting as it is now. It was a very brave girl who transitioned back then.
The other thing I bring up to my wife is that she has had 27 years of my life on her terms. I have done all the husband and father duties. She and the kids have had a pretty good life. She has known I've struggled with this my entire life, at what point do I deserve a little empathy?
Anway that's just my thoughts, take care,
Paige :)
Paige- Thanks for the reminder and the ultimate question: whose life is this, really? You also reminded me of something. I was in medical school in Galveston, TX (UTMB) in the late 70's and it was one of the few places that did "pre-op" evaluations and therapy with transgender women who were just about to go through SRS. I think that they went to Trinidad for the surgery, but had to be cleared by the psych department before they were accepted for it. Thinking about the limited knowledge of the professors and what scant literature was available, like in Toronto "there was no smooth sailing". I do recall that several of the pre-ops were given electroshock treatment because of suicidal depression. I also remember that I nearly went in to psychiatry because I found all of this so stimulating. Little did I know why. But, there were some brave, brave women who went the distance then. I am thankful for their courage, and appreciate you reminding me where we have come from. BTW, there is a documentary by PJ Raval (a friend here in Austin) that details the courageous work of the people in Trinidad, Colo. who fought to establish a beach head where transwomen could go for SRS; the doc is named "Trinidad". Blessings, Sheila