"I have to do the right thing, or I won't be able to look myself in the mirror."
Shame is the motivating force behind being unable to look in the mirror in cisnormative thinking. So how come I couldn't see myself in my reflection as a child without having done anything to be ashamed of? Is it a transgender thing or another thing that makes me weird? Thankfully, during my transition, the mirror has become less awkward to look into. But this all got me thinking, what kinds of relationships do other transpeople have with their mirror?
I've never had as big an issue with mirrors as some people here seem to have. I never a huge fan of the mirror, never went out of my way to avoid it either. I just never liked looking at myself, don't know why specifically though. What I can say though is that I've been looking at myself in the mirror (or any reflective surface for the matter) a lot more often since I've begun to experiment a little with the way I dress and stuff.. Most importantly when I started binding, seeing a flat chest makes me happy.
One of the advantages of being relatively short is that I only normally see my head in mirrors. Don't mind that much. I'm not the best looking guy in the world but I'd probably pass so I can identify with my face.
Problem for me is full length. Even binding I've still got a chest and there's no way I could cope with seeing myself naked. I stand a certain way in the shower so I don't catch my reflection and hate seeing any photos of me after puberty.
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I have to be in front of my own reflection for hours every day because of my profession. Some days it makes me mad and I can't work properly...
I must say from the furthest I can remember I've always been surprised by the image of myself in a mirror. I feel like I don't remember exactly how I look so it's always a bit weird. (But I also can't remember how other people look like so I think it's a problem with face memory I have...)
I am constantly looking at my reflection, trying to glimpse at my female self. Mirrors are all through my house so this isn't some "pull out the hand mirror and stare mindlessly like narcissus" lol! Sometimes I like what I see other times, I get super obsessively paranoid about a trait that is male and get sad... I know for fact that my dysphoria is less when I'm wearing makeup.. without it I feel way worse.
For years I covered every mirror in the house so that I wouldn't see him when I woke up.
Now, Love mirrors :laugh:
When I see myself in a mirror I always smile back. Or pull a funny face! ;D
Before I started taking on the trans-beast for real 6 years ago, I hated mirrors and could not stand to see me in photos. Aside from a quick glance most workdays to see what little of my hair was waaay out of place I avoided them
These days when I am fully presenting as Joanne I love them. Even when I am not, I see her looking back. The smile on the face is my own
I don't know if I would ascribe my past aversion to shame. Oh, I had plenty of that growing up feeling out of place. It was more simply hating being in my own skin and soooo reminded of it. Today I love being in my own skin
I realized over the years that the only reason I hated mirrors was because I look extremely feminine to many people. Put on girls clothes for a day and get hit on and asked for dates, ugh. I don't stare for too long but ever since I cut my hair super short I can look. I just can't stare when I have no clothes on cause then I get super uncomfortable with the image and even depressed. I also realized I hated pictures because the way I smile is girly to lots of people and pictures capture a part of me I don't want to have to remember years later. If I wasn't so crazy with my smile and stuff, I actually like taking pictures but only if it can capture a masculine look.
I don't know. I just don't stare at mirrors for longer than I have to. Usually the longest you'll see me staring at a mirror is if I'm cutting my hair. Otherwise I stare intensely trying to see the guy I feel everyday and instead I see the girl I'm trying to repress. I call her Katy and she's currently in a box in the farthest recesses of my brain trying not to die.
Subjects like this one worry me a bit, because I feel like what if I'm making all this being trans stuff up? Yes, I like myself s lot more in the mirror (and as a result end up looking in the mirror more often) and whatever I said above. But, I'm not mirror-averse at all. At least not in the sense that it depresses me or something that big. Not even when naked. I don't necessarily like what I see, but I don't hate it either. The other day I stood in front of the mirror for a while before a shower and realized that my shoulders were reasonably wider than my hips, that part made me happy but seeing myself doesn't make me said either. Not that I do it often. It just worries me a bit that the way I feel isn't nearly as intense as it is for you guys.
Don't worry darkblade, I feel that way about some other things I read. Think it's just that we all have different triggers. For me, mirrors are definitely one.
Mirrors only seem to bother me some of the time. It's probably because the only time I look in them is after I shower and I purposefully don't run the fan so they're steamed up and I can't see myself well. At work in the bathroom I tend to just stare at the sink because the mirror reminds me of how out of place I feel. Photos though, photos are terrible.
I never felt ashamed at looking at myself in the mirror. I did feel ashamed of who I was on the inside. But, my reflection brought about something else. When I looked at my self, I felt ugly. I had a poor body image. I even spent a large effort trying to change that, but nothing worked. It felt like the face I saw was not me. When I started HRT, that changed immediately. Which was a bit bizarre, because it changed immediately, even though my body had not started changing on the outside. I looked at myself and thought I look good. Then as HRT did change me on the outside, each change made me excited. It felt like it was really me in the mirror.
This thread is pretty representative of my vacillating opinion on mirrors, which can be a trigger for me. For the cis-person, I think they associate more with their reflection and think of the inability to look at that reflection as representative of shame. But I didn't usually look in a mirror and see myself as I was growing up. I barely associated with my reflection at all, it was more like I was looking at another person who was similar to me. Time and maturity forced me to realize that my reflection and pictures were how the world saw me, which caused me quite a bit more duress.
Darkblade, I totally understand looking at the topic as a possible way you might not be trans enough. But there isn't a litmus test for levels of transness. And I don't believe all transpeople have to be a certain way. We are all different, and it's ok. It's normal to continue to have questions and doubts, just try not to lose yourself in them.
Quote from: LatrellHK on January 25, 2015, 09:09:25 AM
I don't know. I just don't stare at mirrors for longer than I have to. Usually the longest you'll see me staring at a mirror is if I'm cutting my hair. Otherwise I stare intensely trying to see the guy I feel everyday and instead I see the girl I'm trying to repress. I call her Katy and she's currently in a box in the farthest recesses of my brain trying not to die.
Facial Agnosia - The inability to recognize someone from their face, even if they know the person well. My college astronomy professor had facial agnosia, and couldn't recognize people until they began speaking to her. It wasn't until I had my first class with her that I realized the relationship people usually had with faces would extend to their reflections; she explained that we may see her outside of class and she wouldn't be able to tell who we were until after talking with us. She said it wasn't personal, and wryly added that she also had difficulty with her own reflection. I totally identified with that, but everyone around me was baffled.
It was jarring, but I had no clue why my classmates didn't understand. So I spent time away from my then-girlfriend and outside of school and I researched facial agnosia, eventually coming to transgender issues because of mirrors. It was the first time I had words for the way I felt: Gender Identity Disorder. It still took me time to tell the wrong person, the girlfriend, and another 8 years to open up a second time.
At 31, I'm 2 years into my transition and I've finally begun to like my reflection somewhat. But if it wasn't for FFS, I probably wouldn't have.
LatrellHK, try not to think of it as a part of yourself you are rejecting. Whole people possess feminine and masculine aspects. The goal is to adapt your body to your chosen gender. It's still your body, and there are always going to be aspects from your past that are part of you as a person. Being trans is learning to be humble, and accept that you and the world are imperfect. I'd rather be who I am today, than one of the self-absorbed ignorant masses.
Facial agnosia has always interested me because I don't easily recognize people by their face (even if it's not pathological in my case. Or at least I don't think so). And I think it has something to do with the fact I don't identify with my own reflection. But I never really put it in relation with being trans*. I would more say that there are two issues that reinforce each other.
Probably a clear issue with me. I've never been open to looking at mirrors, especially when I put on makeup for a class thing. I felt so weird and ugh it was terrible. But I understand clearly that nobodys perfect, heck look at my family, and everyone has imperfections. I tend to look at those imperfections as part of their personality and defining features that help me recognize them cause I am awful with new people.
Back when I was trying to be a woman I used to hate seeing myself in the mirror. I overcompensated with girliness but I could never really pull it off. I used to put on an insane amount of makeup to cover up my face and by the time I was done I would look like a different person, and that was the only way I could be ok with how I looked. But I wouldn't really see myself in the mirror, just somebody else who looked acceptable. And then when the makeup came off I would avoid looking at myself again. I would never let anyone see me without makeup on either.
Now, I got no problem with mirrors...and I have less of a problem being photographed too!
never having been terribly self-aware, it wasn't that i disliked looking in the mirror so much as it held no more appeal than looking at a photograph of a random person's face. looking back it seems obvious that was because I only identified with my reflection inasmuch as it was practical to do so, in order to brush my teeth or comb my hair or some such.
but about a week after I started HRT, I was washing my hands and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was a positive experience. subtly. this grabbed my attention immediately because before it was something that simply WAS, and now was something kind of positive.
the realization sinking in was a great feeling.
I'm glad to hear that, marikvulpina. And zukhlo, you look rather handsome in your profile pic, so I wouldn't worry too much about more photos.
I recently saw the first episode of Quantum Leap where Sam gets stuck in a young woman's body. It reminded me of how much I felt like I had an inner personae that didn't match my reflection as a kid when I originally saw the episode. As it was presented in the TV show, Sam would see the other persons face in the mirror, and everyone he interacted with would relate to him as the other person. Looking back on it, that episode seems to personify much of the transmale-experience. Anyway, I loved that show almost as much as I loved Magnum PI when I was around 11.
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I don't know how much of it is upbringing or social stuff, but I've always felt ugly. Transition helped that a lot, like I feel like it's okay to be an ugly guy in a way that it is never okay for a girl to be ugly.
I understand that perceptions are subjective and all that.
For what it's worth I always felt beautiful looking in a mirror when I wasn't thinking about what other people might see.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on January 24, 2015, 08:56:03 AM
"I have to do the right thing, or I won't be able to look myself in the mirror."
Shame is the motivating force behind being unable to look in the mirror in cisnormative thinking. So how come I couldn't see myself in my reflection as a child without having done anything to be ashamed of? Is it a transgender thing or another thing that makes me weird? Thankfully, during my transition, the mirror has become less awkward to look into. But this all got me thinking, what kinds of relationships do other transpeople have with their mirror?
I wanted to look pretty like a beautiful woman. In my teenager, I thought I look so much ugly in the mirror. I was surprised that my sister also said the same, although everybody praised her beauty at that time.
Nowadays I like watching the mirror. Sometimes I am enthralled by my own image. Actually I wear makeup to look sexy to my eyes, rather than other people.
Just ago:
(https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7341/15790128463_3949046e96_b.jpg)
To my eyes, I look sexy, but my friends and colleagues prefer my profile photo in which I smile.
barbie~~
Im 60+, and just barely starting this little trip. I have always preferred to not look in the mirror, except when necessary. That person has never ever been 'me', and I don't think Ive never been at least a bit surprised by the image looking back. I feel the same about photographs, videos, even my voice on tape. I don't 'primp', and I admittedly don't take a lot of pride in my appearance - I mean, jeans & a t-shirt have always been good enough. I spent 10 years in a 'suits' career, and found I really didn't need the mirror much if I only wore white shirts and dark-grey pin-stripe suits. My only concession was hand-painted silk ties that were definitely not 'masculine', and I could tie them without looking.
Oddly, for the 1st half of my life, I would often glimpse my mother looking back at me, usually fondly or sometimes in some 'knowing' way, just before reality kicked in. Then it became my dad, usually sternly frowning. These days, I don't have the slightest clue who that greying pot-bellied aged looking person is. I know it's not me, I just don't have an identity for 'him'.
Ive always wanted to play in front of a mirror, to respond positively to that image. I wonder, from my reading, if I manage to continue moving forward, will this bit of dysphoria slide away? Or is HRT mandatory for that?
thanks for those fascinating images you all have shared. I recall trying to sculpt that man in the mirror and getting him ready for ???? those roles meant work and other relationships but he always felt like a puppet and someone I groomed. I could look out from those eyes but no one could see me inside. Transitioning has gotten better and i started with being able to look at myself in the hazy reflection of a sliding glass door. Like others i started seeing more of myself and glimpses of my mom or sisters. Honestly it felt weird at first but now reassuring. We use mirrors as tools but we interpret the image through the filters of our experience and imagination.
I'm just glad none of them have cracked recently ;D
I hate mirrors...I doubt I will ever reach a day when I look into one and don't see my mother's son. Mine has a giant crack in it; I tried to smash it during an exceptionally bad bout of dysphoria.
I don't mind mirrors that much, but what I really hate are crappy cameras.
I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. In my 20s i used to have long hair i would often pt them in pigtails and look at how I looked. I could half imagine myself as a beautiful woman but then the picture would blink and I would snap out of my dream and I would see myself standing there.
Othertimes when i had a nice wig and was applying makeup again I would see for an instant my inner self but when you are tired and removing the makeup all you seem to see is a tired, washed out person looking back at you. :embarrassed:
Now when I look into the mirror I hate what I see. It is the cumulative effect of aging and increasing dysphoria that is adding fuel to my hopelessness.
I just hope if i start HRT i start to see some positivity returning to my reflection.
First couple years at the start of my transition, I hated the mirror. Always found faults.
Now, six+ years later, I stand in awe.
Finally, I feel the person looking back at me is the same person inside.
I remember as a little kid I wanted to have long hair soooo much. I'd use a shirt as a headband and flip it back while watching myself in the mirror. Then I'd try my best to make a girly outfit. I remember either having to quickly remove my McGuyvered outfit when my parents got home, or just getting frustrated and flouncing back to my room to redress. I stopped around age 11, because no matter how good my imagination was, if I accidentally glanced at the dreaded mirror I'd have to see the difference between my imagination and reflection.
Joanne, I highly recommend HRT if only for its psychological benefits. If you can test a low dose, it's more or less impermanent if you stop between 2 - 3 months. Any breast growth can be removed if you choose not to transition. I believe gynecomastia solutions would be covered by insurance. But in any case, a Doctor and/or psychiatrist should be able to help if you open up to them.
Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: Muffinheart on February 11, 2015, 05:54:23 AM
First couple years at the start of my transition, I hated the mirror. Always found faults.
Now, six+ years later, I stand in awe.
Finally, I feel the person looking back at me is the same person inside.
Oh. It's a great story. You should be happy.
barbie~~
Quote from: Obfuskatie on February 11, 2015, 03:35:40 PM
I remember as a little kid I wanted to have long hair soooo much. I'd use a shirt as a headband and flip it back while watching myself in the mirror. Then I'd try my best to make a girly outfit. I remember either having to quickly remove my McGuyvered outfit when my parents got home, or just getting frustrated and flouncing back to my room to redress. I stopped around age 11, because no matter how good my imagination was, if I accidentally glanced at the dreaded mirror I'd have to see the difference between my imagination and reflection.
Joanne, I highly recommend HRT if only for its psychological benefits. If you can test a low dose, it's more or less impermanent if you stop between 2 - 3 months. Any breast growth can be removed if you choose not to transition. I believe gynecomastia solutions would be covered by insurance. But in any case, a Doctor and/or psychiatrist should be able to help if you open up to them.
Hugs,
- Katie
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Hi Obfuskatie, sound pretty much like my childhood in some regards, I never had long hair as a kid as my parents would always take me the hairdressers kicking and screaming. My parents used to send me to school in my sisters clothes though, i thought it was normal. I loved the clothes though until I got kind of self conscious about comments people were making.
I see my psychiatrist in August, I hope I can get an earlier appointment. I am worried if i say Id like to start on a low dose to see how things go he will not take me seriously and wont treat me. Do you think that is a possibility? They seem a bit funny in Australia about this sort of treatment.
I saw a hair specialist today Katie, the doctor was very sympathetic after I disclosed my gender issues and prescribed me Avodart instead of Finastride. He said 6 months on Avodart and my crown may not need hair transplants. I really hope that will happen!!! He also said he gets a few people come through his door wanting to transition and he was super nice to me. I didnt feel at all like a social pariah.
:D
Did you have any issues with hair before you started your transition?
Quote from: Joanne Feliz on February 12, 2015, 03:07:58 AM
Hi Obfuskatie, sound pretty much like my childhood in some regards, I never had long hair as a kid as my parents would always take me the hairdressers kicking and screaming. My parents used to send me to school in my sisters clothes though, i thought it was normal. I loved the clothes though until I got kind of self conscious about comments people were making.
I see my psychiatrist in August, I hope I can get an earlier appointment. I am worried if i say Id like to start on a low dose to see how things go he will not take me seriously and wont treat me. Do you think that is a possibility? They seem a bit funny in Australia about this sort of treatment.
I saw a hair specialist today Katie, the doctor was very sympathetic after I disclosed my gender issues and prescribed me Avodart instead of Finastride. He said 6 months on Avodart and my crown may not need hair transplants. I really hope that will happen!!! He also said he gets a few people come through his door wanting to transition and he was super nice to me. I didnt feel at all like a social pariah.
:D
Did you have any issues with hair before you started your transition?
Yes. Probably hair is more important than HRT in feminizing our appearance. I also have worried about hair loss, and I see dozens of my hairs fallen in the floor every day. I take Finastride everyday, but I am not quite sure of its efficacy. Also Mynoxyl, and natural shampoo. I do not comb and become very careful when my hair is wet.
barbie~~
mirrors are still a big issue for me I have been better since starting my journey but I still find myself looking at faults. I used to describe looking in a mirror for me as looking out an window and having a creepy ugly guy staring back in at me making me uneasy and feeling unsafe, if that makes sense. It is better know but I still see the old skin at times and I have to walk away...my partner says I look great but she is bias :P
Quote from: barbie on February 12, 2015, 03:38:35 AM
Yes. Probably hair is more important than HRT in feminizing our appearance. I also have worried about hair loss, and I see dozens of my hairs fallen in the floor every day. I take Finastride everyday, but I am not quite sure of its efficacy. Also Mynoxyl, and natural shampoo. I do not comb and become very careful when my hair is wet.
barbie~~
My hair grows like crazy, and I'll tell you my secret: wash only once a week. I've read in magazines that most people over wash their, removing essential oils.
When I use conditioner, I only do the ends, not my entire head, and I leave a little bit in.
Also another tidbit. Early on, thought as my hair was growing, I was going bald because I was losing hair. Did you know we lose on average 80-100 hairs a day? So when I brush out my hair, and lots of loose hair, I don't worry anymore.
I doubt your prospective psychiatrist will mind, you have to start on a low dose anyway to make sure you don't have adverse reactions or catastrophic liver failure. As long as you can express how you feel and what you want, I think you'll be fine. You may have to see him a few times before you get any prescriptions however.
I'd highly recommend keeping a written journal and recording you thoughts, wishes, goals for yourself and you future. Documenting your feelings and reactions to what life throws at you before August, will give you something to do, and may clear your thoughts for your appointment. It's up to you whether you keep it private always or reveal it to trusted people, but you should start it after deciding as it will influence how and what you right.
I have had a lot of issues regarding my hair. Still dealing with them. Sigh... Good thing is a good hairstyle/cut will mask most of my hair issues. I literally wore a hat/beanie for almost two years whenever I had to socialize with people I wasn't very close with. I still wear one every time I get frustrated with my hair or am having a bad hair day. I don't think I'll be able to have the style and length I want for at least another year. Rocking the pixie at the moment.
Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: Muffinheart on February 12, 2015, 04:35:59 AM
My hair grows like crazy, and I'll tell you my secret: wash only once a week. I've read in magazines that most people over wash their, removing essential oils.
When I use conditioner, I only do the ends, not my entire head, and I leave a little bit in.
Also another tidbit. Early on, thought as my hair was growing, I was going bald because I was losing hair. Did you know we lose on average 80-100 hairs a day? So when I brush out my hair, and lots of loose hair, I don't worry anymore.
Hmm didn't realize it was that much. There are special DIY organic shampoos you can make that lets you stop shampooing your hair. The sebum from your scalp will apparently adjust to a different environment over time, and all you have to do is rinse it. The people I've heard of doing this while not locking their hair had pretty short hair. So I don't know if it's for everyone. I myself shampoo every 2-3 days.
Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: barbie on February 12, 2015, 03:38:35 AM
Yes. Probably hair is more important than HRT in feminizing our appearance. I also have worried about hair loss, and I see dozens of my hairs fallen in the floor every day. I take Finastride everyday, but I am not quite sure of its efficacy. Also Mynoxyl, and natural shampoo. I do not comb and become very careful when my hair is wet.
barbie~~
I just spoke with a hair transplant surgeon today. He said that Avodart(dutasteride) is better than Finastride for preventing hairloss. He recommended me to switch to dutasteride right away. Also Barbie, he mentioned that if you still have issues with hair loss you can take minoxidil(orally) in a pill form and he said that really helps a LOT. In fact he was pretty confident i would not need hair transplant on the crown of my head. Still remains to be seen if that is true or not.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on February 12, 2015, 04:47:53 AM
Hmm didn't realize it was that much. There are special DIY organic shampoos you can make that lets you stop shampooing your hair. The sebum from your scalp will apparently adjust to a different environment over time, and all you have to do is rinse it. The people I've heard of doing this while not locking their hair had pretty short hair. So I don't know if it's for everyone. I myself shampoo every 2-3 days.
Hugs,
- Katie
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Q: How much hair loss is normal?
A: "Hair loss in women is, to a certain extent, normal," says New York-based leading hair restoration specialist Dr. James C. Marotta. "The average woman loses between 50 and 100 strands of hair per day, even up to 150 in some cases." So don't let those stray hairs in the shower drain scare you.
"If you are nervous that you are losing an excessive amount of hair per day, you can try this trick: Take about 60 hairs between your fingers and pull, running your fingers through your hair. Usually between 5 and 8 hairs will come out—this is normal. An excess of 15 hairs, however, is not as common and means you are losing more hair than you should be.
Read more: http://www.dailymakeover.com/trends/hair/how-much-hair-loss-is-normal/#ixzz3RWjeh3QI
Zomg I spend way too much money on my hair to just pull some out...
Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: Muffinheart on February 12, 2015, 04:53:59 AM
Q: How much hair loss is normal?
A: "Hair loss in women is, to a certain extent, normal," says New York-based leading hair restoration specialist Dr. James C. Marotta. "The average woman loses between 50 and 100 strands of hair per day, even up to 150 in some cases." So don't let those stray hairs in the shower drain scare you.
"If you are nervous that you are losing an excessive amount of hair per day, you can try this trick: Take about 60 hairs between your fingers and pull, running your fingers through your hair. Usually between 5 and 8 hairs will come out—this is normal. An excess of 15 hairs, however, is not as common and means you are losing more hair than you should be.
Read more: http://www.dailymakeover.com/trends/hair/how-much-hair-loss-is-normal/#ixzz3RWjeh3QI
Oh. Thanks for the link. It summarized well some facts on hair loss, but I am not yet relieved :-*
barbie~~