Hi everybody. I befriended a guy and his brother 3 months ago. Initially I told neither I was transgendered and they didn't have a clue. Brother 2 was kinda cold at first but then warmed up to me. He'd motion for me to sit next to him when we'd hang out, get up to get me a drink if I wanted one, tickle me, pick me up when he hugged me, cuddle me and let me lay on his chest, and playfully put his favorite baseball cap on me. At the time I didn't put all this together as him being attracted to me, but now it's pretty obvious!
Anyway, I came out to brother 1, with whom I had a strong friendship and emotional connection with, about a month after meeting. It was very hard, and he promised to tell no one. Fast forward two weeks, he and I had a bad fight and he told his brother I was transgendered. He said his brother was into be and he "felt bad" for him.
Brother 2 removed me from Facebook and ignored my texts for 2 months while I was away. Now I'm back and he is nice, yet somewhat cold. It feels really awful to have someone withdraw their niceness because they learn of my past. Do you think he'll ever think of me as just a nice girl ever again? I'm so lost.
Eeew, he was sure a jerk to break his promise and tell his brother, you must have felt so betrayed. I wouldn't even direct my word to him. As for his brother, if he is being nice to you again, he may be coming around the idea, no? If he is worth it he will talk to you or maybe you could try to explain the situation. Mayve he will hear. But if he doesn't, don't waste your time.
I'd move on and never look back. After such a betrayal of trust, I couldn't have anything to do with either of them and wouldn't even consider reconnecting. Life's too short, honey. Life's way too short.
I agree with Brenda babe. Just move on with your life and I know its going to be hard. However, you'll be strong after this process.
hugs
April
Thank you all so much. I agree that I should cut off contact, but I genuinely care about these guys. If he tells other people, I'll definitely cut off contact. Though, do any of you have experience with something like this? Do people warm back up to you?
I never had that experience, but honestly if brother 2 is being to nice to you, even if cold in the beginning, that may mean he's warming up to you again. Maybe he digs you, who knows? It sounds like he was and is attracted to you. So, if he comes around, he will probably start talking to you again. But it's up to you. They both hurt you incredibly. So if I were in your place, I would also move on. But I'm an hypocrite and I'm talking to this guy who doesn't give a crap about me and I'm still listening and comforting him. Ugh. I wish I wasn't this way. Point is: you deserve better. We all do.
I dont think there's any reason to completely cut ties.
I also think betrayal is a strong word. What we are going through is a big thing, and people around us *will* react. People *will* need to talk about it. Besides, how can brothers on good terms possibly keep secrets from each other? They have their own relationship to honour and respect, too.
Since you do care about these boys Zelda, I think cutting them off would be a shame - for all of you. If they come around, great! If they don't, so be it. I just don't believe in locking doors shut because of a rocky start.
Quote from: SarahBoo on January 25, 2015, 06:06:53 PMI also think betrayal is a strong word. What we are going through is a big thing, and people around us *will* react. People *will* need to talk about it.
With the greatest respect, I think you're way off base here. I have no issues with anyone talking about me being trans without my permission - people do gossip and I don't care (and I'm careful who I tell because of this). But if somebody deliberately used me being trans as a weapon to hurt me during an argument? That's a clear betrayal. There's a huge difference between sibling to sibling gossip and someone blurting out a trusted secret in order to cause harm.
I'd run - not walk - away from this pair of guys. Not one of us deserves an abusive, manipulative relationship.
Quote from: Brenda E on January 25, 2015, 06:33:23 PM
But if somebody deliberately used me being trans as a weapon to hurt me during an argument? That's a clear betrayal.
I agree with you there. If somebody deliberately wrongs me, then I will probably forgive, but it will be hard for me to trust them again.
I don't think that's what is going on here.
Zelda's friends haven't discussed her with the *intention of hurting her*, at all. And like I say, they are brothers! Sure, brother A should not have said he would keep a secret he could not. But is that malicious betrayal? I don't think so.
Quote from: SarahBoo on January 25, 2015, 06:53:49 PMZelda's friends haven't discussed her with the *intention of hurting her*, at all.
Maybe I'm misreading her original post:
Quote from: ZeldaHeartLove on January 25, 2015, 11:23:37 AMFast forward two weeks, he and I had a bad fight and he told his brother I was transgendered.
If it was just gossip, then it's forgivable. If the disclosure was precipitated by the bad fight, then it's a betrayal.
I'd still be tempted to err on the side of caution. The post-disclosure silence is also a huge red flag. Removal from Facebook and texts ignored for two months? I'd have given him two weeks at most before walking away and never looking back.
Zelda, you're far better than they're treating you.
No no no, I still think 'betrayal' is a bit over the top.
There is no indication that the information was shared out of malice. Much more likely it was out of frustration, and in the heat of the moment.
I just believe we should keep cool heads over being hyper-vigilant. Yes, people make mistakes and sometimes lack care with what they say ... we *all* do that.
Did it mean I blacklisted people in return, before or after transition? No.
Nor do I think it's helpful to advise others to slam that door and never look back. It's an unhealthy pattern to get into.
Cool head, warm heart.
Gross. I wouldn't stay friends with brother 1 at all. Breaking his promise not to tell people at the first sign of conflict between you two is a major warning sign. Think about him as a person. Would he have done this with any other secret? Did he do this because he's transphobic (even if not in an obvious way)? As for brother 2, he might come around. It seems he would be more likely to just want to be friends based on the way he's kinda cold/distant. He might also just be hurt that you told brother 1 and not him, seeing at you and him were close enough that he was crushing on you. I'd try to find a safe space where you and him could talk. I wouldn't cut bro 1 out of your life, but I would suggest you talk to him about what he did and how dangerous it is for you that he shared that information. People are incredibly violent toward trans people, you don't need me to tell you. Tell him he could have gotten you really physically hurt on top of the emotional hurt. And have a conversation with brother 2. Tell him how you feel about him. Talk about it. If nothing else, he sounds like he could be a good friend to you. It wouldn't hurt to also tell him how dangerous outing you is. Protect yourself at all costs. Don't excuse transphobic behavior, you don't have to. Don't let your feelings for those boys get in the way of taking care of yourself. You are wonderful and valid and can find people who love you and want to be with you, not despite your past, but because of how your past shaped you and because of who you are.
Hope this helps.
I don't usually chime in on relationship as i feel everyone one is different. Heck i have not even earned the full trust of my wife since i have come out to her. But here is what i would do Brother 1 i would write off. He did hurt you and does not care for you if he comes around and says sorry then you can try to rebuild from there. Brother # 2. You have to think he he went in to shock as most people do when they find out someone is trans. And then to find out from someone else and not you. It is like saying you trust brother 1 enough to tell the but not brother #2. So if brother 2 pulled away but is now at least sort of talking. Sounds like he did some soul searching and may miss what you two had. Will it ever be the same no way to tell but if you don't at least try to meet him you will never know. So i would say go ahead and try to see if you can fix what you have with him and see where things go and just keep your eye and ears open for any warning signs. and best of luck to you.
Vicky
MtF