I listened to a fascinating public radio broadcast the other day about secrets. Apparently we all have them to one degree or another. Soap operas and other TV shows couldn't exist without them. We transgender people have more than a little familiarity with secrets hmm? I kept my limited crossdressing and transgender feelings a secret most of my life. As many of us can understand, I even kept it a secret from myself. Repression is powerful. Are you good at being a confidant, keeping secrets for others? Are secrets really harmful? What would spies do without them?
My self acceptance was followed by a tremendous sense of relief. I simply wasn't aware how much guarding, fear, denial and effort was going in to watching my mannerisms and any number of indicators of the truth I kept secret. My wife knew and that was an unfair burden I asked her to bear. I intend no judgement or moralizing but wonder how you have been or are currently impacted by keeping secrets, yours and others you know???
As always, thank you for sharing :D
Sadly me secret ended in losing my wife of 20 years, my daughter is also quite impacted and now jaded. I'm moving through these things, but wish it were somehow different. Just part of the evolution I suppose.
Quote from: Pansy on January 27, 2015, 12:13:23 PM
Sadly me secret ended in losing my wife of 20 years, my daughter is also quite impacted and now jaded. I'm moving through these things, but wish it were somehow different. Just part of the evolution I suppose.
Yes, those are way harsh impacts. Glad to hear you are still up and moving on.....
Thanx,
It's a process, but I begin my gender therapy Thursday!!!! Soooo excited!!!!!!
Quote from: Pansy on January 27, 2015, 12:26:13 PM
Thanx,
It's a process, but I begin my gender therapy Thursday!!!! Soooo excited!!!!!!
Congratulations Pansy, that is huge. Now i get where that smile is coming from.
:D
Oh man, I needed this post so much. I've kept my "issues" from everyone in my real life since...forever. And I've been "pretending to be male" online for over a decade. It was my escape. I've finally come clean to people online...and it wasn't even just the gender part that hurt people. I felt like I had to completely create the person I wanted to be. It was harmful and unhealthy but now I'm starting over and trying to be honest. Especially with myself. I'm not a woman trying to pretend to be a man online. I'm a man who's trying to pretend to be a woman in real life.
Unfortunately I can never "come out" to my family. Fortunately, no one else really knows I exist. My live in SO is ok with it...he's always been really understanding. But other than that, my entire life has been the internet. Where I can escape the physical.
Quote from: JackBNimbul on January 27, 2015, 03:31:06 PM
I'm not a woman trying to pretend to be a man online. I'm a man who's trying to pretend to be a woman in real life.
That is just so... I don't know. Perfect? Correct? Priceless? You hit the nail on the head there.
And you're right. This is a needed topic. You're lucky to have an understanding SO.
I'm the opposite: I'm MTF with a spouse I couldn't tell (until last week) and an understanding immediate family. I could say keep the secret destroyed my marriage, but there's so much more to it. The secret did keep me from dealing with stress in a healthy way. I was angry, I hated myself, I became clinically depressed. All because after my botched coming out at 19, I repressed everything so hard.
Jack, I hope you find some peace. I knew no one would accept me before I accepted myself. Then when I did, I became less scared of non-acceptance. Not unafraid, mind you, just less. Being honest has become more important. Sounds like you have a great SO.
Good luck and hugs. Remember, you are not alone.
Great topic !
It's pretty much the same for me. I feel like being dishonest with my friends and family (or girlfriend or boyfriend when I have one). And it really hurts me to think that I'm not sincere with the persons I love.
I don't even know if it's because I'm nearly unable to speak about my feelings (in general) that I could never speak about being agender or if it's because I needed to keep all that stuff hidden that I finally lost the ability to speak about all the rest. You know, as if beginning to speak about any emotion would be a dangerous step that could lead to let my secret escape. As if letting anything drop would cause a major leak of everything because of pressure (don't know if this sentence has a meaning in English... very difficult to translate a metaphor...)
It's good to read that it can be a relief to finally find a way to stop hiding !
For those of us "of a certain age" like Marlin Brando's line in
On the Waterfront, "I'm D&D". Or Sargent Schultz "I Know Nothing!" Telling me anything, is much like opening a Swiss bank account (used to be). I'll be taking it to my grave.
Which, coincidentally, was/is how things were with my deepest darkest secret and feelings.
Contrast that with my wife who self-describes as "Pathologically Honest". TMI, non-filtered, free associations abound. What a pair we make. Both learning from the other.
Quote from: Tessa James on January 27, 2015, 11:54:48 AM
My self acceptance was followed by a tremendous sense of relief. I simply wasn't aware how much guarding, fear, denial ...
AMENI am finding being me a far more pleasurable way to go through life. My tolerance level for idiots has greatly increased. My wife says I am "No longer an angry person", not that I ever noticed! I can even stand up for myself now, since I longer feel I am a fraud. I really do deserve to be happy.
Yet secrets do serve a good purposes. I am not in a position right now to let the whole world in on be being trans. If you cannot reason a good answer to the question, "What good would it do if.....", then keep it a secret. Letting it free just may result in a non ideal outcome
Keeping personal secrets damned near killed me. It feels so good not to have to do it anymore that I'm probably incapable of doing it forevermore. I even came clean to my parents about the extent of my substance abuse history, reckless behavior and subsequent hospitalizations. I think everyone I ever knew probably knows by now that I'm transgender, and I'm glad that I came out the way I did. I think I've probably removed dozens of heads from arses in the process, and created allies from former transphobes.
The only secrets I hold are things that people near and dear to me, both living and deceased have told me in confidence. I don't like that I have to do it, but that's the kind of friend that I am.
I need my friends to know me. They can't if I'm keeping secrets. For that reason I'm very uncomfortable if there's something I can't be open about.
I hid who I was until I was bursting at the seams.
I have long term depression which at times now I am happy. I abused alcohol, drugs and food. I hid the very basis of who I am from everyone and hurt the one closest to me when the truth came out.
I am balancing being true to myself with keeping those I love.
At times I cry because I do not know what to do.
The longer you keep the secret the worse it gets and when time comes to pay the debt it can be overwhelming.
Quote from: Ptero on January 27, 2015, 04:10:48 PM
It's pretty much the same for me. I feel like being dishonest with my friends and family (or girlfriend or boyfriend when I have one). And it really hurts me to think that I'm not sincere with the persons I love.
Me too, I feel like I'm lying to them, but at the same time, I don't think they would still be 'friends' if my secret was out.
The reason I always told people I got to know that I was gay, whether it was of relevance or not, is because I didn't want to hide/omit something that I consider a part of me. And all this time I'd been repressing whatever trans stuff that I think is still struggling to come to the surface. I'd been getting increasingly irritable, just overall angry all the time, and overly isolated, partly as a result of me thinking that no one is ever going to understand me. My relationship with my parents had also been getting worse, I'd just snap at them whenever they said anything and just argued over everything. Recently, there's just been so much tension building up that we couldn't talk to each other, me fearing I'd say something hurtful without thinking, and my mom in fear I'd say something that would deeply hurt her. And she told me several times about how it hurt her that I'd become this way. That's a big part of why I chose to come out to my parents, there was just too much pain, and now that I knew what was making me act this way I couldn't let them be in the dark and spend their time wondering whether I hate them. Living a lie is so much harder once you know the truth.
About a month ago I told my girlfriend. I have never told anyone, but I really love her a lot and didn't want to keep it a secret from her (inevitably she would find out and that would be much worse). It turned out to be quite the blessing, she is totally supportive! The last few weeks were difficult, but I think we both understand each other much better for it. She knows I may decide to transition at some point, and I have told her I would wait until we had children before I started HRT as that is very important to her. It went so well I am even considering slowly letting some family know.
Mmm nice topic. Yes keeping my nasty little secret was terrible but once I came out no issues anymore. I'm pretty much an open book.
The downside? I have had almost complete strangers come to me for advice about their sexuality and what they should do, even to a point of company reps asking me what to do as they are Gay and have never told anyone, including their wife and colleagues.
Their secrets are safe. But there is an urge at time to shout out, 'Hey you know that guy who keeps perving on our boobs, well he is 'trans* and jealous'. But of course I never would.
I feel so sad for them having to live their lie, when they know I have been so well accepted.
Good topic for me. I was having this discussion with someone I know this week. They are not transgender, but know I am. Essentially, when I went to treatment for drugs and alcohol many years ago, a wise nurse told me early on that there was only one thing that I had to do to get and stay sober: tell all my secrets. Through my months there she reminded me of this, and I believed her. Since that time, I have not let secrets gather inertia. If something continues to attract my attention that only I know, and it feels like a secret, then it is. I have 3 people in the world who know all of my secrets; each one of them knows some that the others don't, but I have a trusted place to share anything that has that energetic to it. I think that it is like the ancient ritual of "confession", and in fact, is incorporated into the 12 Step AA program as the 5th step (directive to sharing everything with another person). My own feeling is that secrets stimulate certain tracts in the brain (usually dopamine related for those scientific) that can build large complexes that are harmful in a psychic and ultimately physical sense. Somehow, sharing those pieces of ourselves with someone else dissipates the energy around them. Someone once said, "you bring those dark things to the light". Anyway, that's my take on it. It has served me well and given me 22 years of sobriety this week. I am so grateful for that woman who told me about "secrets" so many years ago, and for the opportunity to share that here. Hugs and blessings, Sheila Grace
Yeah I always say secrets are safe with me. But then I have never been one to gossip or talk about others. That being said I am full of secret that people have told me that I have.never told anyone else and I don't plan on it. I like to know people trust me. So I still find it hard and funny in a way that I could not keep me being trans a secret. I carried it around with me for 39 years and planed on dining with it. But not that I have come out I kick myself in the butt every day for not doing it sooner. Yes coming out was a good thing I believe but it was hard but so is hiding it. So is pretending to be someone who you know and feel you are not. It is funny we keep the Secerts from those that we love for we don't want to hurt them but then I wonder if they really love us in return would they not still accept us if we told them our Secerts. If they don't still love us then maybe be they did not love us but really loved who we were pretending to be.
More I think about this more I want to tell people to come out sooner then later so you can get started living your life and enjoy it to the fullest that you deserve. And people can get to enjoy and know the real you.
Vicky
I have found that my life is very compartmentalized. I am totally open with my wife of 30 years. She loves buying me clothes and jewelry. At work, totally closeted. I am skilled and in demand enough that they have overlooked breast growth and facial hair removal. Is it secret though? I prefer the term "discreet." My wife and I have always had an agreement that should we be asked directly; respond truthfully. Should we receive a packet of photos with a demand for money; we would pull out any good shots and offer cash for some 8X10's of those. Having secrets denotes fear or self loathing, while discretion is merely throwing a bone to the realities of life. "Discretion is the better part of Valor," Shakespeare Henry IV. I prefer to think that we have done what was necessary to carve out a life during the times in which we lived. It is different now-but not as much as we would hope. The winds of change seem to be blowing much stronger in the right direction though.
Without self denial, and repression, I really wonder where I, or any of us would be. For the most part I believe we do it to protect ourselves, and in therapy I even call my male persona my 'protector'. He was like a shield, or firewall, and a filter, and camouflage. It seems to me that the path of repression for transgender is getting more and more infrequent as society slowly (very slowly) adapts to us. Trans issues are more prevalent now than they've ever been, and I think that's making it easier for some to never have to go in the closet.
For me, around age 8 was when I consciously started to crossdress. The same point when I started to build my outward male persona, and internalize everything. This was also when I went from being fairly extroverted to being incredibly introverted. I did not deal with things well. I wouldn't really process them, I'd just pile them on top of Jessica and hoped they'd never resurface. I kept telling myself this was just something I was doing not something I was. It was still bad enough that it was something I was doing, but 'being' wrong was WAY scarier.
I had zero girlfriends through highschool, and until age 26. I'd say that's a fairly damaging result from keeping a secret. I was a virgin until I was 29. And apparently I'm actually attractive physically as a male.
My wife knew before we went on our first date that I was a crossdresser with a big feminine side. That was over 10 years ago. I had come out to a few friends, and had also decided I could not do a relationship again without her having prior knowledge. Small steps. Over the last 10 years I had come to realize that the dressing was more than just something I was doing. I started to identify as bi-gendered. Still safer than 'being a woman' but getting closer to the truth.
I developed a need to come out to everyone, the secret had just built up too much. All my relationships were suffering and I was truly not happy. Once I outed myself, it was as you say, a huge relief. Like a mountain was lifted off my shoulders. I felt so absolutely liberated. The emotional effort of keeping all of me inside was immense, and I didn't even realize I was doing it. All my internal barriers and protections fell rapidly after that, and was only a short trip to realize who I am.
Thanks for asking and sharing Tessa,
Hugs,
Jess
How timely! I thought I would be totally out and free by now. My timeline is not cooperating. And the secrets (and worry about self-sabotage to make them go away) is keeping me jumpy and not sleeping well while, intermittently, I'm feeling better than I've ever felt in my life. Low dose is making subtle changes. I'm really sad that I can't celebrate those changes the way I want to but have to hope that no one notices instead.
Chris
I'm keeping a secret and it is or will kill me. I suffer from depression anger and abuse alcohol at times. I know I have to get it out but it's so hard. I've held this secret for over 50 years. My therapist tells me I need to talk to my wife and I know she's right. I have to get past this
What a great community this is! I am so moved by these heartfelt responses. My early therapist and my spouse helped me to understand the toxicity and feel the weight of what I was doing by keeping and asking my partner to keep that big dark secret. My initial goal for therapy was just to learn to cope better. What I finally figured out was that it was the secret keeping that let my fears grow in isolation and kept me from being real. As my dear Julie Blair notes I can be my worst enemy. My reality in transition is 180 degrees from what i had imagined. My true friends are still here and I still have to pay bills to keep the lights on. I felt so light and bright and euphoric the fist months in transition that i was becoming overconfident and bullet proof. After the secret is out we still have to make the rest of our lives work and, as many note, that may mean dealing with our less effective coping such as alcohol and drug abuse.
I completely understand any individuals need for the discretion our Cindy Stephens wisely comments on. Some fears about safety and loss are too obviously valid. Our unique balancing acts will continue. I also understand the value of dependable folks, like Jill F, that friends can trust.
Thanks all
Melanie, you can do this. You'll find the secret ends being worse than the truth. I told my wife after hiding it our entire marriage. She had no clue other knowing something else was wrong. She didn't scream, run away, or laugh at me. I so wish I could have told her 17 years ago. I can't say how your wife will react. Mine is "okay with the gender thing" as she puts it, but doesn't know if she can get over me lying. I do know the truth is liberating. THE TRUTH SHALL SEE YOU FREE!
Okay, over the top, but you can do it. If a big wimp like me can do it, you can do. Prepare yourself, pick a reasonable time (no time will be perfect) and just be honest. With her and yourself.
Good luck and hugs. Remember, you are not alone.
Chi thank you so much for the support. I'm getting closer and have to find the right time to talk with my wife. This will kill me if I don't. Thank you
Quote from: darkblade on January 27, 2015, 11:14:01 PM
I'd been getting increasingly irritable, just overall angry all the time, and overly isolated, partly as a result of me thinking that no one is ever going to understand me.
Being angry all the time is also a side effect of secret keeping for me. Is it common for you all ?
Sometimes I wonder, like Cin, if my friends would still be friends if they know. But in fact I'm not sure if that is the real risk for me. I fear more that they stay friends but start to act differently with me or I would lose their trust because they would feel betrayed because I lied for so long...
And most of the time, I just can't imagine what risk I would take saying who I truly am. Those who keep secrets, can you clearly identify what are the risks of telling them ?
I have a great relationship with my family and friends. I don't tell them because I fear losing those relationships. After telling my girlfriend, we have become even more open and loving of one another. Why wouldn't that be the same with the rest of my friends and family? That fear still lingers though...
Quote from: Ptero on January 29, 2015, 06:43:45 AM
Being angry all the time is also a side effect of secret keeping for me. Is it common for you all ?
Sometimes I wonder, like Cin, if my friends would still be friends if they know. But in fact I'm not sure if that is the real risk for me. I fear more that they stay friends but start to act differently with me or I would lose their trust because they would feel betrayed because I lied for so long...
And most of the time, I just can't imagine what risk I would take saying who I truly am. Those who keep secrets, can you clearly identify what are the risks of telling them ?
My experience is that my best friends remained true friends. Yes, some did take issues with why I had not 'trusted them' sooner and it was difficult to explain the lifelong shame, doubt and repression that found me keeping the secret from myself as well. Other friends wanted to be the 'first to know' and demonstrate their support publicly. Wouldn't it seem fair if we are acting and presenting differently for our friends to respond differently? I am a different person than i was two years ago, and it is more than my appearance. The risks among friends varies with how close they are maybe? Friends that I see once a year have little impact while my closer, every day folks needed lots of interaction to find our new normal. Our adjustments are an adjustment for them too. Some friends straight up tell me they see me happier and like me better. Others miss their old 'buddy' but are ready to move on as friends but felt awkward and did not want to mess up the name and pronouns kinda stuff.
I suppose the big one is that people can and will reject us. Of course that hurts. I feel that speaks more to their character than our ability to be real and good friends. Being gregarious or introverted we still have opportunities to make new friends all the time. All part of the dance and i hope the music will move you to get up and......
Quote from: Tessa James on January 30, 2015, 01:35:05 PM
I suppose the big one is that people can and will reject us.
The "will" was tough to read.
But I hope as you said that my best friends will remain true friends :)
I suppose I need a bit of faith.
I absolutely agree with all of you.
I'm still in my early stages of this, and the secrets are slowly starting to take control of me. I just want to shout it out to everyone that I am a woman, but the words they don't come. To my one friend that I came out to, I tried to explain everything on my mind. I was only able to get out about half of it and the first half I half mumbled through it. Living with secret is so killer. It's like the world is against you for no reason and you want to explain but there's nothing coming out of your mouth. Sometimes the secrets just don't want to come out in fear that people will turn them against you like blackmail.
In the past I've been told secrets from friends and for the most part I kept them secure. A few I just couldn't resist the gossip. I do though listen to people's secrets and keep them to myself as a way to better try and understand them. Knowing that my most secretive thoughts are on transitioning, I can understand where people come from when they feel the need to tell me theirs. Got to keep both safe until the right time comes, and sometimes it never comes.
At least I know my secret is safe with all of you, as it's your secret too.
Quote from: CaptFido87 on January 31, 2015, 11:11:38 AM
I absolutely agree with all of you.
I'm still in my early stages of this, and the secrets are slowly starting to take control of me. I just want to shout it out to everyone that I am a woman, but the words they don't come. To my one friend that I came out to, I tried to explain everything on my mind. I was only able to get out about half of it and the first half I half mumbled through it. Living with secret is so killer. It's like the world is against you for no reason and you want to explain but there's nothing coming out of your mouth. Sometimes the secrets just don't want to come out in fear that people will turn them against you like blackmail.
In the past I've been told secrets from friends and for the most part I kept them secure. A few I just couldn't resist the gossip. I do though listen to people's secrets and keep them to myself as a way to better try and understand them. Knowing that my most secretive thoughts are on transitioning, I can understand where people come from when they feel the need to tell me theirs. Got to keep both safe until the right time comes, and sometimes it never comes.
At least I know my secret is safe with all of you, as it's your secret too.
I really do want your safety and security to be solid but many of us are totally out. I am free of that dark secret now. That does not make me any better, just recognizing we are at different places in our journey. I too wanted to "shout it out" and consented to a front page article in our daily newspaper. I wanted to control the narrative as much as possible. I found myself crying and not so articulate when I first shared the news. I found that some people will share our news as gossip, just human nature. One of the best experiences I had was finding that people recognized my vulnerability and felt comfortable sharing some secrets of their own. I actually feel much closer to friends and family now. Good luck finding that right time , it took me forever:D
Now that I'm starting to talk about being trans more I feel like keeping the secret other places is getting more and more exhausting. Kind of feel a bit like you Marty - I just want to yell it out so everyone knows at times, but I know there's people that I need to tell individually first. I can't wait until I can finally live openly all the time - and I'm starting to think it might not be that far off. I'm conscious of not setting myself any targets of when I want to be totally out by, but I'd be surprised if I was still forcing myself to pretend by this time next year.
I totally get what your saying about friends wondering why you hadn't trusted them earlier Tessa. When I first started coming out as bi a couple of years ago that was something I was terrified of. I think I'd always known about that, and by the time I'd started to say it had been about ten years since my first time with a woman, so I felt really guilty. I was sure they'd think I was lying to them. Luckily they didn't, and I'm really hoping that it'll be the same with this. The main difference here is that if I've hidden it from them, I've also been doing a brilliant job of hiding it from myself! It's only now, at 27, that I'm completely sure this is who I am. And it just feels so good to finally have that confidence.
At the moment even just having a conversation is difficult. I've got to constantly remind myself that I'm still female to them and there's times where I've found myself giving my name as Andrew, rather than the one everyone still knows me by. I managed to use the last time, when I did it as work, as a way of coming out to someone - so it was actually quite helpful! Wouldn't have been so great in other circumstances, with different people. It's just so tiring having to think before you give an answer. I can't be myself with most people, and I fell so guilty because of that.
With everything going on, and constantly battling with myself to decide what I can say to who, I find it virtually impossible to turn off at night. I've never slept well but I'm finding my sleeping patterns are getting worse and worse. I'm working hard to break the cycle now, but it's often led to me having a couple of energy drinks throughout the day. I've put on a bit of weight in the last couple of years - mostly because of what I'm drinking and eating to keep me going. It's also because I don't exercise as much as I used to. Exercising means moving around and that leads to me being even more aware of bits of my body that shouldn't be there.
Now I realise that's what the problem is, I'm hoping I can work my way through it. I'm on anti-depressants, which have helped take the edge off enough to stop me having panic attacks every time I've to say my name or see my body, but I know starting to transition and live openly will be the only thing that really helps me.