Hey, I currently live in New York, but my family is looking to move down to Florida this summer. I'm not out to anyone but my parents yet, but I really want to go stealth if we move next year. I'm fortunate enough to be able to pass, and I don't think anyone would question my gender because of my appearance. I just want to be treated like a normal kid, and I don't want to get bullied because I'm some "tr*nny".
The only problem is the legal aspect of transitioning. My birthname is still my legal name (can I change that before next year?!), my legal gender is still F, and all my documents are F also. I want to live life in peace, but unfortunately I can't do that with all these documents saying I'm female. I know that I have to have SRS before changing some of these, and there's no way I could do that before I'm 18.
What do I do? The school would see that it says female, and I would have to explain I'm transgender--I simply don't want to do that, I want to go stealth. Perhaps I could tell the school administration, but tell them not to tell the teachers nor the students. But what if they don't allow me to change it, and they force me to keep my legal name on school documents?! I can't go stealth then.
We would move to south Florida, and I know that's more accepting than the north, but I'd say it's still pretty bad. Do any of you guys have suggestions for how I could go stealth in high school? Are there any laws I can use in my case?
Oh, and, I'd like to use the boy's bathroom--but if the school knows I'm biologically female idk if they would allow that.
You can get your name changed and gender marker changed on certain documents without SRS, you're misinformed.
I'm getting it through the TLDEF and it's being paid for as well so if you live in NYC, you can get it done through them.
http://www.transgenderlegal.org/work_show.php?id=7
You can get that legal name changed anytime, you just need the forms and the money to do so (if TLDEF can't help you because of your location).
You need to be on hormones or at least have a letter with letterhead from a licensed professional (if not going on T) saying that the gender marker change is a necessary step.
Since you are under age 18, you'll need your parents' help and support for this. Also, you can't go stealth in HS without outing yourself to teachers and the principal, it's impossible unless you go in with the documents already changed. You have to tell them your concerns before school starts (or else they'll address you as your legal name) and hope they are understanding enough to make accommodations for you. Better research on LGBT friendly schools in the area you're moving to.
1. Get the process going for a name change now. Pick up the papers at a court house for an infant name change get them all filled out..will probably run you around 200$. It takes a few months so get that done.
2. Gender marker change: If you were born in NY then you DO NOT need SRS to get a gender marker change. However you either need a doctors note or a therapists (?) (i forget but you can find it goggling around). My doctor offered to write me one and you can also find these papers at the court house.
Don't bring up the bathroom thing with your new school ie. the administration. Most likely they will shoot you down and say you cant (depends on how liberal the school is). Like you said if you pass often just go in and use it and leave.
Even if your gender marker doesn't get changed you really don't have to worry about teachers calling you 'her' as you said you pass and there isnt a gender marker next to your name in the attendce role :P. The only problem would be if you are required to take a gym class which in that case you would be put into the 'female' gym class. So you would have to either work something out with the gym teacher or get switched over to the guys.
Quote from: DragonBeer on January 27, 2015, 01:36:18 PM
You can get your name changed and gender marker changed on certain documents without SRS, you're misinformed.
I'm getting it through the TLDEF and it's being paid for as well so if you live in NYC, you can get it done through them.
http://www.transgenderlegal.org/work_show.php?id=7
You can get that legal name changed anytime, you just need the forms and the money to do so (if TLDEF can't help you because of your location).
You need to be on hormones or at least have a letter with letterhead from a licensed professional (if not going on T) saying that the gender marker change is a necessary step.
Since you are under age 18, you'll need your parents' help and support for this. Also, you can't go stealth in HS without outing yourself to teachers and the principal, it's impossible unless you go in with the documents already changed. You have to tell them your concerns before school starts (or else they'll address you as your legal name) and hope they are understanding enough to make accommodations for you. Better research on LGBT friendly schools in the area you're moving to.
Thanks.
So if I get my legal name changed before going to school next year, will I be able to apply with that name, and will the school be able to access my birth name?
Quote1. Get the process going for a name change now. Pick up the papers at a court house for an infant name change get them all filled out..will probably run you around 200$. It takes a few months so get that done.
2. Gender marker change: If you were born in NY then you DO NOT need SRS to get a gender marker change. However you either need a doctors note or a therapists (?) (i forget but you can find it goggling around). My doctor offered to write me one and you can also find these papers at the court house.
Don't bring up the bathroom thing with your new school ie. the administration. Most likely they will shoot you down and say you cant (depends on how liberal the school is). Like you said if you pass often just go in and use it and leave.
Even if your gender marker doesn't get changed you really don't have to worry about teachers calling you 'her' as you said you pass and there isnt a gender marker next to your name in the attendce role :P. The only problem would be if you are required to take a gym class which in that case you would be put into the 'female' gym class. So you would have to either work something out with the gym teacher or get switched over to the guys.
Thanks.
I'll try to get the process for name change rolling now, and chances are I could change that before school next year.
So, even if I move to Florida, because I was born in NY (born in NYC actually) all I need is a therapist or doctor's note for a legal gender change? How fast do you suppose I could get that changed? I figure not before next year, but does it take a while?
Hopefully I go to a school with a co-ed gym--my school's gym is like that rn. If not, I could laugh that my gender was "mistakenly" put as female with my friends, say it must have been a mistake when applying for the school, and go to the school to fix it. I'd try to shake it off as a mistake.
Oh, and what if the administration brings the bathroom thing up? I wouldn't mention it myself, but I'm sure they'd think about it. I'll just convince my parents to move to a LGBT-friendly area I guess...
It will again probably take a few months for the gender marker to change. I would submit the papers before you move and have it all done again. Gender marker depends on your birth state and must be done in YOUR birth state so you would have to go back to NY to sign papers with your parents if you do the gender marker late.
I also recommend finding a LGB(T) gender therapist or a trans friendly doctor and ask them about a paper for a gender marker change. Maybe email around or do some phone calls, with your parents permission of course. Often a therapist or doctor would want to see you a few times before giving you one.
If both your parents are okay with everything it shouldn't be a problem getting both of those changes done before a year goes by.
If the admins bring up the bathroom thing well you can say you will use the bathroom that corresponds to your gender and if they debate you just say okay and use the bathroom you want anyways. They aren't going to watch you and often times the administration isn't present during school. (usually hidden away in their offices and such)
maiLMan, you have a lot going for you, your parents accept and want to help you. I would get your name changed as quickly as you can, then your school records and everything will be in your new male name, making it much easier to be stealth at your new school. You say you can pass easily great for you. Are you planning on starting t before you move? Gym class will probably be a big problem, I don't know how gym classes are handled in Florida, how many semesters of gym is required, what alternatives there are, co-ed, etc? Some school only require 4 or 6 semesters and/or a;;ow band and other activities to count as gym credits. Most all high school that I have been in have open locker/changing area so you would have a very difficult time changing in them, also most have one large shower area no individual showers in the boys area either, so that would be a problem. You could possibly get a dr note to be excused from gym. Using the men's restroom could workout fine, if you pass and have your name changed when you enroll. I use the men's at my university with no problem at all, I am pre-t but pass very well. I hope for the best for you, keep us informed on how everything goes.
Yeah lol I probably would just use the boy's bathroom anyways.
For gym idk, I guess I just have to see how it plays out. I'm also looking to join the school's football and baseball teams, and this probably means changing in the boy's locker room. Maybe there are bathroom stalls I could change in or something. Again, I'll just see how it all plays out.
mailman, it looks like you got some good answers here, but you may also want to post a thread in the "youth" section as there may be people there who have already (and more recently), navigated this at their high school.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,496.0.html
Good luck.
Quote from: maiLMan on January 27, 2015, 04:54:24 PM
Yeah lol I probably would just use the boy's bathroom anyways.
For gym idk, I guess I just have to see how it plays out. I'm also looking to join the school's football and baseball teams, and this probably means changing in the boy's locker room. Maybe there are bathroom stalls I could change in or something. Again, I'll just see how it all plays out.
As a highschooler everything else might work depending on how liberal they are down there, You might get away with bathrooms but boys lockerooms they most likely will not let you change in there because you would get outed and its not safe.
Wait, nevermind--my dad won't let me change my legal name or legal gender because "I'm too young to make this decision".
He gave me the same reason for T, and that's why I can't start it before 18. I really did think he would at least allow me to change my legal name and gender, but I guess he's the same a-hole he always is... :/
...and now it would be 1000% harder to go stealth.
i shouldn't even bother going stealth at this point, but all i freaking wanted was to live a normal life, and my dad just has to go and ruin that
Quote from: maiLMan on January 27, 2015, 07:59:58 PM
...and now it would be 1000% harder to go stealth.
i shouldn't even bother going stealth at this point, but all i freaking wanted was to live a normal life, and my dad just has to go and ruin that
I am not stealth and live a normal life at school no one questions me, all my teachers know and the administrations couselors and principles and my name is not even legally changed yet and I am not on hormones so don't think your life won't be normal because of it.
But I might be moving to Florida, and it's not that LGBT-friendly down there. I could be bullied A LOT for it...
Quote from: maiLMan on January 27, 2015, 08:37:57 PM
But I might be moving to Florida, and it's not that LGBT-friendly down there. I could be bullied A LOT for it...
Well man people will always find something negative to say about you but I realize me not giving a damn made people respect me and because alot of people have changed there views about me, it also made me stronger as a person.
My parents sounded exactly like yours! I was too young for this and I didnt have enough experience in life to be making such big decisions ::) I also moved high schools so that I was able to attend as stealth back in 2010. My name hadnt been legally changed but I told the admin about my situation and they made sure to use a preferred name where possible. For some reason the reports cards had to be under my legal name, and so in the end my teachers had to know my secret as well but I was able to remain stealth to all of my class mates and still not a single one knows! I wouldnt give up on the idea just because you cant get your name changed. I think schools are becoming a lot more accepting of this sort of thing as well :)
Quote from: harlee on January 28, 2015, 02:13:44 AM
My parents sounded exactly like yours! I was too young for this and I didnt have enough experience in life to be making such big decisions ::) I also moved high schools so that I was able to attend as stealth back in 2010. My name hadnt been legally changed but I told the admin about my situation and they made sure to use a preferred name where possible. For some reason the reports cards had to be under my legal name, and so in the end my teachers had to know my secret as well but I was able to remain stealth to all of my class mates and still not a single one knows! I wouldnt give up on the idea just because you cant get your name changed. I think schools are becoming a lot more accepting of this sort of thing as well :)
Thats still not safe I am out to most and only stealth to some, you still got some crazy people out there just saying.
Quote from: maiLMan on January 27, 2015, 07:55:08 PM
Wait, nevermind--my dad won't let me change my legal name or legal gender because "I'm too young to make this decision".
He gave me the same reason for T, and that's why I can't start it before 18. I really did think he would at least allow me to change my legal name and gender, but I guess he's the same a-hole he always is... :/
Educate them about it, don't do the same mistake I did. I wanted to start while in high school but my mother was ignorant about transgenders, thought it would cost too much, that I was too young, would harm my health etc..and she only kept getting more ignorant opinions from ignorant ppl about the subject of transgenders. You're never "Too young" to know who you are. I am 20 now and wish I had started T younger or at least had taken Hormone blockers..
Quote from: Brandon on January 28, 2015, 06:30:45 AM
Thats still not safe I am out to most and only stealth to some, you still got some crazy people out there just saying.
If he wants to be stealth to everyone that is totally his right. Saying it's not safe to be stealth cause there are still "some crazy people" out there, sounds an awful lot like you would blame a trans person for being attacked by someone who didn't know they were trans but later found out.
OP, educating your parents is the best you can do. Show them instances of people who transitioned as teens and lead fulfilled lives.
Quote from: aross1015 on January 28, 2015, 11:32:09 AM
If he wants to be stealth to everyone that is totally his right. Saying it's not safe to be stealth cause there are still "some crazy people" out there, sounds an awful lot like you would blame a trans person for being attacked by someone who didn't know they were trans but later found out.
OP, educating your parents is the best you can do. Show them instances of people who transitioned as teens and lead fulfilled lives.
Man I am just keeping it real not veryone is accepting of that stuff I lucked out, you got it all twisted, there are crazy people out there who do crazy things its life where you been at no one said its are fault, read between the lines next time. You have alot of ignorant people out there.
Quote from: Brandon on January 28, 2015, 03:08:39 PM
Man I am just keeping it real not veryone is accepting of that stuff I lucked out, you got it all twisted, there are crazy people out there who do crazy things its life where you been at no one said its are fault, read between the lines next time. You have alot of ignorant people out there.
Even more reason to be stealth. I'm not sure what the point in advocating against being stealth is.
Quote from: M a t t on January 28, 2015, 08:22:58 AM
Educate them about it, don't do the same mistake I did. I wanted to start while in high school but my mother was ignorant about transgenders, thought it would cost too much, that I was too young, would harm my health etc..and she only kept getting more ignorant opinions from ignorant ppl about the subject of transgenders. You're never "Too young" to know who you are. I am 20 now and wish I had started T younger or at least had taken Hormone blockers..
It's transgender people, not transgenders. It's never too late to start taking hormones. I too wish I'd been able to start younger (didn't start till 23) but the changes thus far haven't been hindered at all by not starting younger.
Quote from: aross1015 on January 28, 2015, 03:20:43 PM
Even more reason to be stealth. I'm not sure what the point in advocating against being stealth is.
It's transgender people, not transgenders. It's never too late to start taking hormones. I too wish I'd been able to start younger (didn't start till 23) but the changes thus far haven't been hindered at all by not starting younger.
When your pre T I don't think thats the best idea again he might say he passes but some people can still figure it out thats something is off, my generation is f'd up and crazy so people do crazy things all I am saying is its safer to let some people know again not everyone agrees with that, plus its better to be honest about it.
Quote from: Brandon on January 28, 2015, 03:33:31 PM
When your pre T I don't think thats the best idea again he might say he passes but some people can still figure it out thats something is off, my generation is f'd up and crazy so people do crazy things all I am saying is its safer to let some people know again not everyone agrees with that, plus its better to be honest about it.
Everyone's generation has their share of messed up people who will do messed up thing, that's a given. Your generation isn't the first to be "crazy and messed up" and certainly won't be the last. In the OP's situation, you're right, it doesn't really sound feasible for them to be stealth at their new school given that they seem to have no parental support.
I would like to point out that saying "better to be honest about it" in reference to stealth-ness implies that being stealth is being dishonest. It's not.
My parents do support me, it's just that my dad thinks I'm too young and he thinks that I'll change my mind. If I don't "change my mind" (which I can't), he supports me 100%.
The thing is, if people are going to bully transgender people, why wouldn't I go stealth? It's risky, but I just want to live the life I always wanted. And, also, when I said I could pass well, I meant really well--to the point where I look like a guy even with long hair. I've been "mistaken" for a guy my entire life, and with a short hair cut I doubt anyone would question. If questions do come up, I could just say I'm a "late bloomer" or something. I've also been told that "I have a low voice for a girl", it's not what an adult guy's voice would sound like, but again I could just use the late bloomer excuse. Truth is, I'm kinda lucky with passing pre-T. Unfortunately, I'm not lucky with my height, boobs, and hips, but whatever. Sucks that height and hip size are one of the only things I can't change... :/
Quote from: maiLMan on January 28, 2015, 08:10:34 PM
My parents do support me, it's just that my dad thinks I'm too young and he thinks that I'll change my mind. If I don't "change my mind" (which I can't), he supports me 100%.
That doesn't read as supporting to me. His mentioning of you changing your mind makes me think he just believes you are going through a phase. Support would be going along with your desire to start your new school as male, and helping you get your name changed at the very least. Names can be changed more than once (if you were to change your mind). That would seem supportive to me.
Quote from: maiLMan on January 28, 2015, 08:10:34 PM
My parents do support me, it's just that my dad thinks I'm too young and he thinks that I'll change my mind. If I don't "change my mind" (which I can't), he supports me 100%.
The thing is, if people are going to bully transgender people, why wouldn't I go stealth? It's risky, but I just want to live the life I always wanted. And, also, when I said I could pass well, I meant really well--to the point where I look like a guy even with long hair. I've been "mistaken" for a guy my entire life, and with a short hair cut I doubt anyone would question. If questions do come up, I could just say I'm a "late bloomer" or something. I've also been told that "I have a low voice for a girl", it's not what an adult guy's voice would sound like, but again I could just use the late bloomer excuse. Truth is, I'm kinda lucky with passing pre-T. Unfortunately, I'm not lucky with my height, boobs, and hips, but whatever. Sucks that height and hip size are one of the only things I can't change... :/
I'm with wheat thins on this, I think they're just humoring you hoping it's a phase. Doesn't sound like support to me.
Well, first off, it's only my dad, not my mom.
He does support me, even if it doesn't seem like that at times. He (probably) thinks this is all just a phase, but once he realizes that this is the real deal he'll start to see that this is important. The thing is, he firmly believes that I can't possibly make a decision like this while only in high school. I don't agree, but I can't do anything to change his mind. He's not as "supportive" as I would like, but at least he isn't kicking me out of the house, and he respects the fact that I'm trans. He's not transphobic in any way, and he will fully support me in my transition, but he just doesn't realize that I am capable of making "decisions" like this.
Quote from: maiLMan on January 28, 2015, 09:06:05 PM
Well, first off, it's only my dad, not my mom.
He does support me, even if it doesn't seem like that at times. He (probably) thinks this is all just a phase, but once he realizes that this is the real deal he'll start to see that this is important. The thing is, he firmly believes that I can't possibly make a decision like this while only in high school. I don't agree, but I can't do anything to change his mind. He's not as "supportive" as I would like, but at least he isn't kicking me out of the house, and he respects the fact that I'm trans. He's not transphobic in any way, and he will fully support me in my transition, but he just doesn't realize that I am capable of making "decisions" like this.
Although studies show that transgender adolescents do not "change their mind" and want to go back to their birth gender, in general adolescents do go through "phases" when they are trying to find themselves. Unfortunately, parents assume that gender and sexual orientation are "phases" of identity like being goth, for example.
How do you intend to go stealth? Because I'm guessing your birth certificate has not been changed. This means your name on rolls and so on are going to be in your given name, etc. That means your teachers will see your given name (and of course subs and so on). I don't mean to discourage you, because many fo them may be sympathetic and even supportive, but there will be one outlier.
I was a teacher, so I know how the rolls are.
All your records and so on will be in your given name. I think the best thing is to go to your teachers, etc and present your case.
BTW, while trans children might change over time, it is uncommon for teens. I guess it is remotely possible, very remotely, since there is a certain percentage of trans people who do change their minds re; transition.
--Jay
Quote from: maiLMan on January 28, 2015, 08:10:34 PM
My parents do support me, it's just that my dad thinks I'm too young and he thinks that I'll change my mind. If I don't "change my mind" (which I can't), he supports me 100%.
The thing is, if people are going to bully transgender people, why wouldn't I go stealth? It's risky, but I just want to live the life I always wanted. And, also, when I said I could pass well, I meant really well--to the point where I look like a guy even with long hair. I've been "mistaken" for a guy my entire life, and with a short hair cut I doubt anyone would question. If questions do come up, I could just say I'm a "late bloomer" or something. I've also been told that "I have a low voice for a girl", it's not what an adult guy's voice would sound like, but again I could just use the late bloomer excuse. Truth is, I'm kinda lucky with passing pre-T. Unfortunately, I'm not lucky with my height, boobs, and hips, but whatever. Sucks that height and hip size are one of the only things I can't change... :/
Yea I am lucky to probally way luckier than you when it comes to passing but I still let people know, you care way to much about about what people think its better to be honest about that because someone will figure you out especially if they are in your class and you possibly have a sub. If nothings been changed all that is on record best to tell the teachers and all.
Quote from: maiLMan on January 28, 2015, 09:06:05 PM
Well, first off, it's only my dad, not my mom.
He does support me, even if it doesn't seem like that at times. He (probably) thinks this is all just a phase, but once he realizes that this is the real deal he'll start to see that this is important. The thing is, he firmly believes that I can't possibly make a decision like this while only in high school. I don't agree, but I can't do anything to change his mind. He's not as "supportive" as I would like, but at least he isn't kicking me out of the house, and he respects the fact that I'm trans. He's not transphobic in any way, and he will fully support me in my transition, but he just doesn't realize that I am capable of making "decisions" like this.
Thats not supportive if they feel your gonna grow out of it, like Wheat thins said.
Our parents (for the most part) also haven't lived in our worlds and can't possibly understand how wrenching living this way truly is. I am certainly not saying that I agree that he should have to wait, I'm not at all. I would give just about anything to be able to go back and start my transition 15 years sooner than I did. But I do think it is hard to understand the pain and the duality of living the lives we have to live. It's obviously different for everyone, but no one can truly understand other than those of us who live it.
MaiLMan, I'm glad you are getting support from your dad but I do wish they'd be able to understand that this isn't a phase for us and allow you to start things on your timeline.
Your school papers may have to be in your birth name, however it may be a conversation you can have with them. My wife's father stepped out on her when she was very young and the man that she calls her dad came into her life when she was 2. When she switched school districts at 12 years old, the new school allowed her to be registered under her dad's last name instead of her legal last name. It may be worth a conversation with them (depending on how safe the area you end up in ends up being) to see if they will work with you on some solutions that might satisfy both you and your parents.
Quote from: maiLMan on January 27, 2015, 01:31:40 PM
Oh, and, I'd like to use the boy's bathroom--but if the school knows I'm biologically female idk if they would allow that.
If you go by a male name and look somewhat masculine, just use the guys restroom and don't say anything. The administration will never be aware of your behavior if you don't bring it up and if nobody questions you or complains.
Quote from: maiLMan on January 27, 2015, 04:54:24 PM
Yeah lol I probably would just use the boy's bathroom anyways.
For gym idk, I guess I just have to see how it plays out. I'm also looking to join the school's football and baseball teams, and this probably means changing in the boy's locker room. Maybe there are bathroom stalls I could change in or something. Again, I'll just see how it all plays out.
The same should apply for the locker room. Just change and don't let your difference be noticed but maybe avoid the shower.
There are several local kids supported by the Trans Resource Center here. Some of them have been able to do this and some have not. If the staff is not on board this will not work, well may not work. It's not like using a restaurant at McDonalds or something. This is school and staff is somewhat aware of this sort of thing, probably more than you might think.
--Jay
Quote from: mac1 on January 29, 2015, 12:15:01 PM
If you go by a male name and look somewhat masculine, just use the guys restroom and don't say anything. The administration will never be aware of your behavior if you don't bring it up and if nobody questions you or complains.
Quote from: mac1 on January 29, 2015, 12:15:01 PM
If you go by a male name and look somewhat masculine, just use the guys restroom and don't say anything. The administration will never be aware of your behavior if you don't bring it up and if nobody questions you or complains.The same should apply for the locker room. Just change and don't let your difference be noticed but maybe avoid the shower.
Quote from: aleon515 on January 29, 2015, 12:19:45 PM
There are several local kids supported by the Trans Resource Center here. Some of them have been able to do this and some have not. If the staff is not on board this will not work, well may not work. It's not like using a restaurant at McDonalds or something. This is school and staff is somewhat aware of this sort of thing, probably more than you might think.
--Jay
I think it would be a bigger concern for a "MTF" person.
So even if I do get my legal name changed before next school year, will all my records and stuff still be under my birth name? And, say there is a sub, will they see my birth name or my legal name (provided I had changed it)?
I'd have to tell the teachers, and just pray that they are supportive. Florida is more of a conservative state in the north, not the south. Still, there still might be some rednecks floating about. I don't know what's waiting for me out there...
And no, I don't want to be out because I don't want to be trans. I don't really think of myself as a "trans man" sometimes, it's more along the lines of "a man born with a medical condition that requires me to take hormones and get surgery". I don't want to be out and open about it because people won't see me as truly male--all I want to do is to live my life the way it was supposed to be, and to not make being trans a big deal.
Oh, and can you guys send me some links to articles or surveys showing how transgender teens don't regret transitioning? That'd be really helpful.
Quote from: maiLMan on January 29, 2015, 09:18:44 PM
So even if I do get my legal name changed before next school year, will all my records and stuff still be under my birth name? And, say there is a sub, will they see my birth name or my legal name (provided I had changed it)?
I'd have to tell the teachers, and just pray that they are supportive. Florida is more of a conservative state in the north, not the south. Still, there still might be some rednecks floating about. I don't know what's waiting for me out there...
And no, I don't want to be out because I don't want to be trans. I don't really think of myself as a "trans man" sometimes, it's more along the lines of "a man born with a medical condition that requires me to take hormones and get surgery". I don't want to be out and open about it because people won't see me as truly male--all I want to do is to live my life the way it was supposed to be, and to not make being trans a big deal.
I am out and people see m as a real male again you care wayyyy to much about what others think, no one said walk around with a big poster on your for head all I am saying is its probaly not the best idea pre t hell I get called handsome and everything along the lines of you don't look like you were ever born different your like any other guy and I am out to most, I'd rather be out than have this constant fear of what if they figure me out. You remember Brandon Tenna don't you?
Quote from: maiLMan on January 29, 2015, 09:18:44 PM
So even if I do get my legal name changed before next school year, will all my records and stuff still be under my birth name? And, say there is a sub, will they see my birth name or my legal name (provided I had changed it)?
If you had your name changed before your dad registered you for school and he registered you with your new legal name, then your legal name would appear on the roster and such, but your records from your old school still be under your birthname, unless there was a way to get your old schools to change them.
Quote from: Brandon on January 29, 2015, 09:27:26 PM
I am out and people see m as a real male again you care wayyyy to much about what others think, no one said walk around with a big poster on your for head all I am saying is its probaly not the best idea pre t hell I get called handsome and everything along the lines of you don't look like you were ever born different your like any other guy and I am out to most, I'd rather be out than have this constant fear of what if they figure me out. You remember Brandon Tenna don't you?
Please quit using your personal feelings towards being out and the way you are treated by your peers as a reason for why other's should be out. And please quit trying to use the tragic death of a trans person as a reason to shame the OP for wanting to be stealth while in school.
His feelings about wanting to be stealth are just as valid as any feelings you may have about your outness.
He does have a point about the constant fear of being stealth, but I'd take that risk. Idk, I just don't like being open about it.
Quote from: maiLMan on January 29, 2015, 09:48:10 PM
He does have a point about the constant fear of being stealth, but I'd take that risk. Idk, I just don't like being open about it.
FWIW I live stealth and there is no constant fear for me, nor for many of my friends who are also stealth. There have been situations where I have felt afraid, but it was mostly irrational fear about stupid stuff. It helps if you have a good friend or two who you are not stealth to, but in the end you won't end up talking to them about trans issues more than you would if they didn't know you were trans because a lot of stuff they won't be able to relate to, won't have advice about, etc. I get most of my advice, venting, and other trans related support needs online from other trans people, because they are really going to be able to relate in ways that cis people won't be able to.
Quote from: aross1015 on January 29, 2015, 09:33:35 PM
Please quit using your personal feelings towards being out and the way you are treated by your peers as a reason for why other's should be out. And please quit trying to use the tragic death of a trans person as a reason to shame the OP for wanting to be stealth while in school.
His feelings about wanting to be stealth are just as valid as any feelings you may have about your outness.
I am not I am trying to help him out something your not.
I already decided that, if I can, I would go stealth.
Quote from: aross1015 on January 29, 2015, 09:57:16 PM
FWIW I live stealth and there is no constant fear for me, nor for many of my friends who are also stealth. There have been situations where I have felt afraid, but it was mostly irrational fear about stupid stuff. It helps if you have a good friend or two who you are not stealth to, but in the end you won't end up talking to them about trans issues more than you would if they didn't know you were trans because a lot of stuff they won't be able to relate to, won't have advice about, etc. I get most of my advice, venting, and other trans related support needs online from other trans people, because they are really going to be able to relate in ways that cis people won't be able to.
Yea but are you in highschool? I never vent about my trans issues because I'm treated like a normal guy I didn't say tell everyone in th school no I am just saying I'd atleast want my friends to know and such like they already do.
Quote from: mac1 on January 29, 2015, 12:33:34 PM
I think it would be a bigger concern for a "MTF" person.
Bathrooms tend to be a bigger issue with MTFs, but in a school all bets are off. I doubt you'd face violence, but the staff is going to know he is trans and not allow it. Many of the kids were required to use the nurse's office or perhaps if lucky single stall staff bathrooms. I believe, however, most exceptions were from students who were FTM.
Being completely nonjudgemental on "stealth" or not. I doubt it is possible to go stealth in high school unless you are one of very few people who has changed their birth certificate and all relevant documents. Normally schools go strictly by this stuff. THe only way out of it, is to go to the school and see if they will make modifications in the rolls.
You need to deal with the realities of doing this, which I think don't exist.
--Jay
Quote from: aleon515 on January 29, 2015, 10:16:24 PM
Bathrooms tend to be a bigger issue with MTFs, but in a school all bets are off. I doubt you'd face violence, but the staff is going to know he is trans and not allow it. Many of the kids were required to use the nurse's office or perhaps if lucky single stall staff bathrooms. I believe, however, most exceptions were from students who were FTM.
Being completely nonjudgemental on "stealth" or not. I doubt it is possible to go stealth in high school unless you are one of very few people who has changed their birth certificate and all relevant documents. Normally schools go strictly by this stuff. THe only way out of it, is to go to the school and see if they will make modifications in the rolls.
You need to deal with the realities of doing this, which I think don't exist.
--Jay
Well, I will see if they'd change all my documents (provided I had my birthname and legal gender changed by then), and if they do then why can't I go stealth? Couldn't it be possible for the administration to know, but not the students? Could be risky, but it's better than nothing.
Also, does anyone have any links to surveys or articles showing that trans teens don't regret transitioning?
Quote from: Brandon on January 29, 2015, 09:27:26 PM
I am out and people see m as a real male again you care wayyyy to much about what others think, no one said walk around with a big poster on your for head all I am saying is its probaly not the best idea pre t hell I get called handsome and everything along the lines of you don't look like you were ever born different your like any other guy and I am out to most, I'd rather be out than have this constant fear of what if they figure me out. You remember Brandon Tenna don't you?
Bringing Brandon Teena into this situation isn't acceptable at all. He was a stealth man who lived in rural Nebraska in the early 90s. That's like saying no one should drive because we might get killed while doing it. If he doesn't want to be out, he doesn't want to be out.
Isn't it safer to be stealth anyways?
Quote from: makipu on January 31, 2015, 10:05:32 AM
Isn't it safer to be stealth anyways?
I think so. If someone is going to go crazy on you after you're outed, they probably would've done the same thing if they knew you were trans from the start.
Well if you can get EVERYTHING changed by then, bless you. :) Then I feel it would work.
BTW, if you want to go stealth, that's fine. And your decision. But I want to push back on the idea that it is EXTREMELY dangerous to be out. In fact, most trouble starts not because someone is "out" but because they thought they were "a real ____" and then it is discovered. The idea is that they feel lied to, though I think it's a raw excuse for transphobia.
I am completely "out". I agree it has it's own issues. But I have had no trouble.
--Jay
Quote from: maiLMan on January 30, 2015, 07:46:38 PM
Well, I will see if they'd change all my documents (provided I had my birthname and legal gender changed by then), and if they do then why can't I go stealth? Couldn't it be possible for the administration to know, but not the students? Could be risky, but it's better than nothing.
Quote from: aleon515 on January 31, 2015, 01:26:07 PM
Well if you can get EVERYTHING changed by then, bless you. :) Then I feel it would work.
BTW, if you want to go stealth, that's fine. And your decision. But I want to push back on the idea that it is EXTREMELY dangerous to be out. In fact, most trouble starts not because someone is "out" but because they thought they were "a real ____" and then it is discovered. The idea is that they feel lied to, though I think it's a raw excuse for transphobia.
I am completely "out". I agree it has it's own issues. But I have had no trouble.
--Jay
I'm not exactly sure if I could get everything changed in the next few months (especially cause of my dad), but if I can I'd definitely take the opportunity to be stealth. The thing is, I don't like being trans. All I want to do is live as some regular run-of-the-mill guy, and live my life in peace.
It's your choice. I just read all this stuff re: how dangerous being out is. I think that's (in many cases) not true at all. I feel that someone has to say so.
--Jay
Quote from: maiLMan on January 31, 2015, 10:35:12 PM
I'm not exactly sure if I could get everything changed in the next few months (especially cause of my dad), but if I can I'd definitely take the opportunity to be stealth. The thing is, I don't like being trans. All I want to do is live as some regular run-of-the-mill guy, and live my life in peace.