Hi all.
Let me get this out of the way right up front: I am the privileged. For the vast majority of my life (I'm in my 50s), I have been a straight, white, cis gendered, male from birth male. I'm not here because of that, but I don't want to hide it.
The truth of The Now is that I am a confused, struggling, searching person who feels extremely genderfluid and hasn't the slightest idea where this is taking me.
From then to now: Early last year, as part of my (female) partner's and my efforts to expand our sexual play into kink and poly areas, we got in touch with the incredible therapist Alex (Sabrina) Morgan. And the deeper into our explorations we went, the more I discovered that not only was I attracted to trans women and men, even more I discovered that I didn't care about the gender of the person I was attracted to. I was attracted to who I was attracted, and while this was in many ways a wonderful expansion of my life and sensibilities, it's pretty confusing to come to this after decades of cis male on cis female play.
I'd always been one of those (so I'm told) rare cis guys who very much enjoyed the company of women over that of men. To put it in it's rawest, most cliched way: I prefer talking about people, relationships, and emotional connections to cars, sports, house-maintenance and how to bar-b-que food. I don't follow football (even thought I live in Texas). At neighborhood parties, I am hanging out with "the wives" a lot more than the men. Etc. Yes, highly-cliched, but keep it in mind. And I've always been that way.
As I worked with Alex, I found that not only were these feelings becoming stronger, but they were moving into the realm of identity. During partnered or solo sex play, I wanted my body to be different: I wanted a smooth, hairless chest and torso; I wanted breasts of my own to squeeze and touch; I wanted to be penetrated. I'm reasonably sure for many folks here this is pretty small or minor stuff, but for a lifelong cis male, it's huge. In short, I started to wonder about both my orientation and my gender identity.
On the other hand, I am quite comfortable with my male body the vast majority of the time. Even more, I have little desire to date or engage in sexual play by myself with a straight cis man. On the other hand, in multi-partner play with my partner, I can easily imagine playing with another man. And my sense of self currently is very sex play-specific. But further, I realized that if I fell for person, I wouldn't care if they were cis or not; I would want to be with the person. But my feelings and self-image are changing and developing so fast I have no idea where it's leading. Hence my current "genderfluid" stance. So I was hoping to find a community that might provide some support and Alex suggested here.
So here I am. I promise that I will do my very, absolute, level best to not presume or assume, use the right, accepted terminology, not troll, and absolutely, positively not treat this as some kind of dating site where a stupid, ignorant cis guy can find a trans partner to do his "experimenting" like a "bi until graduation" college student. That's not my goal, my intent, or my plan. I am struggling with my sexual identity, and hope to get some thoughts, support, advice, and pointers as I explore this exciting/terrifying new territory. So I hope you all will be a little patient and gentle with me during my journey. Because it scares the heck out of me.
Thanks for reading. Truly.
Hi I_zack :icon_wave:
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Hugs
V M
I knew my intro would be too long for people to read. :(
My best advice is be honest with yourself and your doctors/therapists.
I did find out the hard way not everyone reads really long posts. Don't be sad about it, though. Sometimes you just need to put those feelings out into the universe regardless of what response you get. Welcome.
I_zack
Welcome to Susan's family
Lots of topics to explore and posts to write
I guess it comes to what your wants or wishers are?
We all struggle on our own field. Just keep trying your best to get help in private and public support.
Safe passage on your path
Hugs
Hi I_zack, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. A couple things, you have to give folks time to read your posts, and for some reason Fridays are always slow on this forum. Don't think you did anything wrong or made your post too long. I never dressed until I was 47, we don't always know where life is going to take us, do we? See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Thanks folks; appreciate the welcome. And to re-iterate: I'll do my damn level best to use the right terminology and be respectful. This is all very new to me, and I admit I'm struggling with it. It's an odd thing for me to start questioning my gender identity at 51. Luckily I have a <i>great</i> therapist who is helping me with it.
And thanks for the pointers, all. :)
Hi & welcome. :)
I see some similarities between us, in how we got here. I'd been part of kink & poly circles for a long time, and when someone would notice the gender thing, i would say, "oh, i'm just a cis girl..." Yet there was some kind of lie in my words and i could feel it but didn't know what it was. About a year ago i realized that i am some kind of gender something. And that was where i started.
I also want to say something which to some may be controversial but which i have observed to be true: it's okay to learn more about your gender identity, even to come to a new understanding of your own gender, through exploring sexual desires. It's okay to feel sexual desires for your own body to be beautiful, what you dream you can be. It's ok to enjoy your body/social role as you are now, even if you also wonder how nice it would be if these things were different. It's okay to fantasize and it's also okay to potentially make those (respectful, consensual, safe, non-addictive, etc) fantasies reality. Cis people do these things all the time, and their identities remain valid. Genderfluid and trans people are permitted to feel a little bit sexual or a very very sexual (or not at all sexual if that is what we are), and our identities remain valid.
As for using the right terminology: messing up is a thing that will happen. I did it last week - with a play partner, ugh - and had to apologize and move on. Rather than worry about right terminology, take a Buddhist approach and start with the right intentions. The terminology will come. From what i've seen, people on Susan's do not spend time here in order to shame each other for making mistakes.
I have had similar worries when i first realized that i am some kind of gender something. I didn't talk about it for a long time, as i was afraid of coming off as a trender, a ->-bleeped-<-, or a cis person appropriating trans experiences. I think that my experiences in the kink and poly communities, which tend towards LOTS of communication, self-reflection, and analysis of power dynamics, had something to do with this caution & awareness. I approached trans spaces with as much respect as i could, and i still catch myself worrying that i'm not respectful enough, and as i mentioned i still screw up. But i know that i belong in this tribe. As do you.
Thanks for the kind words, folks; I do appreciate it.
I've read the intro post with the pointers to good info; I'm familiar with that. For persons in my position--questioning their gender, but not necessarily convinced they're the "wrong" gender--what are some good forums to read and/or participate in? And while I know many don't like labels--and I'm one of those folks myself--what *would* one label a person in my position? My sex therapist Alex Sabrina Morgan suggested "gender fluid"; does that seem reasonable, or am I going to inadvertently insult/alienate someone by using it to describe myself? Some help would be great.
Thanks,
Zack
I've been told there is a minimum number of posts one must have before you can upload an avatar. Is the same true for sending private messages? I tried to send one and got an error message, "You are not allowed to send personal messages". If so, what is that number?
In a related category: I've tried to log on to Chat, and it hangs every time. Is this again a function of number of posts, or some technical issue like I'm using Safari and I need to use Chrome or Firefox or (God save us all) Internet Explorer? Any help? I would email directly to the moderator but, as noted, I am getting an error when I try to send personal messages. :)
I've looked for all this information in an FAQ or sticky post, btw, and not found it. If a moderator reads this, you might want to consider adding this info to your "welcome to Susan's place" posts. Just a suggestion.
Thanks!
Quote from: I_zack on March 22, 2015, 05:32:24 PM
Thanks for the kind words, folks; I do appreciate it.
I've read the intro post with the pointers to good info; I'm familiar with that. For persons in my position--questioning their gender, but not necessarily convinced they're the "wrong" gender--what are some good forums to read and/or participate in? And while I know many don't like labels--and I'm one of those folks myself--what *would* one label a person in my position? My sex therapist Alex Sabrina Morgan suggested "gender fluid"; does that seem reasonable, or am I going to inadvertently insult/alienate someone by using it to describe myself? Some help would be great.
Thanks,
Zack
I'm a crossdresser/genderfluid/bi-gender/two spirit/exotic hybrid type. :laugh: That doesn't fit on a label so I go with Devlyn instead! I'm not sure what my label really is. I'm not all male, and I'm not all female. Just be yourself, hon.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 22, 2015, 06:12:40 PM
I'm a crossdresser/genderfluid/bi-gender/two spirit/exotic hybrid type. :laugh: That doesn't fit on a label so I go with Devlyn instead! I'm not sure what my label really is. I'm not all male, and I'm not all female. Just be yourself, hon.
Hugs, Devlyn
Thanks Devlyn. :) I understand the difficulty, but rather than every time I jump into a conversation on some forum and saying, "I'm a cis gender middle-aged man who is blah blah blah blah" as above, it would be hella easier to say, "I'm gender-fluid and trying to find out where that leads". You know what I mean?
Hi I_zack welcome to Susan's
Thanks. :)
Hey!
Welcome to Susan's
Hi Zack welcome to Susan's from me :icon_wave:
You are not alone, many do not realise too till later in life, for me I knew from a very young age but hid it... I started HRT at 50 'ish still transitioning... My Dysphoria became stronger every few years.... and now I can't control it.
So theres never any rules around when you start to question your GID... Some test it and go back others can't control and move into transition.
I'm just over 60 now
Enjoy the forum and question as much as you feel, good luck :-*
L Katy :-*