So I'm wondering if it's a fairly common occurrence for trans people to hold off on having sex with anyone until after their GCS... I'm 23 and have never physically been with another person, not even so much as kissing. The idea of someone being the slightest bit attracted to any maleness I have is a huge cause of dysphoria for me.
There have been times, in the past, when gay men have spoken to me and presented the opportunity to be physical, but even when my libido is high and male hormones are raging I can't ever get past the limit of my body. I don't want to be with gay men anyway.. for reasons already stated.
I'm technically fine with this celibacy.. I can do things by myself ok, with not too horrible dysphoric episodes.. but unless I have GCS in a year or so, I feel that I'm going to be a 30 yo virgin, and think a potential partner wouldn't be into such an inexperienced person.. lol! I want to add, that I think after I get on HRT and have hair removal I will be, at least, slightly comfortable with physical contact in an intimate way, sans touching... it.
So can anyone else relate to this? Am I being absurd?
anyway... this may need to be in the sexuality section, but I felt it can be for some reason.. just move it please if it need be! :laugh:
Nothing wrong being a virgin, at any age. You might find it difficult to get anyone to believe you are, but..
That said, I wouldn't think anyone would reject you merely for being a virgin...in fact some people (most?) would be very understanding.
I'm not a virgin in the hetero-normative sense. Still, sex was not the centre of my life before, and I doubt that will dramatically change if/when I have SRS.
My main goal through all of this is feeling right within myself. Getting there will allow me to be a sexual creature once again (been years due to my own escalating dysphoria) - with or without SRS.
I don't believe SRS in itself magically breaks barriers. That all has to come from within.
Daamara in all honesty I'm of the same mindset as you. I've never kissed anyone either nor done anything else one would consider in the slightest intimate. Hell there are second graders that have more experience in that area (just from kisschasy) than I have ever had. Truly the idea of someone touching what I have now, even inadvertently is almost sickening. I don't have too much genital dysphoria normally, but I NEED GRS in order to be comfortable being intimate with another person. Im actually a fairly sexual person, in terms of fantasies and stuff so its more my own relationship with my body holding me back :)
So in conclusion Damara, I think its pretty typical
Likewise. I was in a relationship with a girl pre-transition, but pretty much the attention had to be on her, otherwise it just didn't do anything for me, and made me feel like I was violating a perfect beautiful person with the very presence of my hideous gross male body. As soon as the attention turned to me, my own repulsion with my body made it nearly impossible for me to enjoy it. And we never got beyond mild intimacy, namely petting, so I'm still a virgin in a heteronormative sense at age 29, with no plans to be intimate with anyone again until after SRS.
I'm the polar opposite and can give you insight from the other side. I lve been sexually active with women since I was 13, with both men and women since 15. With women im dominant, with men im submissive. Ive never wanted to nor have I ever kissed a man, but women ive showed just about 100% of their bodies attention.
Being with a man was very dysphoric because of my voice and lacking the proper genitalia and body type as I grew older. Being with women has increasingly become more difficult in the last year because I believe ive became more okay with the thought of being with a man exclusively.
Its definitely okay to have never been with someone, and its more than okay to feel the way you do. Having been with a number of virgins and having been a virgin myself id say that learning and becoming increasingly more open are both fun and challenging.
Experimenting once you find someone is very enjoyable and rewarding. Do what you feel is right for you.
Nothing wrong with being a virgin. In fact you may want to look into the spectrum of asexuality. There's a better than 95% chance you aren't asexual but it may be useful to look into it as a way to better understand what you are and aren't attracted to. Whether sexless by choice or by orientation, you may find another source of support.
Asexuality.org
I can certainly empathize; I even feel uncomfortable kissing because I might become aroused. I have a girlfriend now, and she really likes physical stuff, but it's really difficult for me to make sure she gets what she needs and I don't feel uncomfortable. If I can get my surgery (perhaps I'm just dreaming now), things might change, but for the time being, I'm asexual.
eh, I was a virgin until I was 31...when I finally did the deed I wondered what all the fuss was about. But yeah, I've not really been all that interested in sexual relationships mainly because I have the wrong equipment for it so why bother putting myself through the emotional wringer. I do agree with SarahBoo though, so much of our sexuality is psychological and emotional not just physical. Getting the plumbing fixed means little if you're still awkward about your sexuality.
Quote from: Beth Andrea on January 31, 2015, 11:02:22 PM
Nothing wrong being a virgin, at any age. You might find it difficult to get anyone to believe you are, but..
That said, I wouldn't think anyone would reject you merely for being a virgin...in fact some people (most?) would be very understanding.
I'm just basing my assumption that it is not preferable on a man (just the 1) saying that he wouldn't to have to "teach" a woman how to have sex.. and I also wonder if people think older virgins are damaged or something.
Quote from: SarahBoo on January 31, 2015, 11:31:00 PM
I don't believe SRS in itself magically breaks barriers. That all has to come from within.
Of course! But there
are barriers that HRT and SRS can help dismantle.. I mean isn't that why one would fully transition, so their emotional and physical selves have fewer incongruities and therefore increased sense of wholeness?
Quote from: Jo-is-amazing on January 31, 2015, 11:53:33 PM
Daamara in all honesty I'm of the same mindset as you. I've never kissed anyone either nor done anything else one would consider in the slightest intimate. Hell there are second graders that have more experience in that area (just from kisschasy) than I have ever had. Truly the idea of someone touching what I have now, even inadvertently is almost sickening. I don't have too much genital dysphoria normally, but I NEED GRS in order to be comfortable being intimate with another person. Im actually a fairly sexual person, in terms of fantasies and stuff so its more my own relationship with my body holding me back :)
So in conclusion Damara, I think its pretty typical
This sounds exactly how'd I verbalize my own sexual identity.. :D I am not weird about sex, just my body's current configuration in relation to sex with another.
Quote from: genderirrelevant on February 01, 2015, 12:48:06 AM
Nothing wrong with being a virgin. In fact you may want to look into the spectrum of asexuality. There's a better than 95% chance you aren't asexual but it may be useful to look into it as a way to better understand what you are and aren't attracted to. Whether sexless by choice or by orientation, you may find another source of support.
Asexuality.org
When I was younger I considered that I may be asexual, but I knew I wasn't because I have very sexual thoughts and erm... urges (which will hopefully go way down on HRT) and that I was only uncomfortable expressing that I even had sexuality because I was not wanting anyone to think I was a sexual male.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on February 01, 2015, 01:34:38 AM
I can certainly empathize; I even feel uncomfortable kissing because I might become aroused. I have a girlfriend now, and she really likes physical stuff, but it's really difficult for me to make sure she gets what she needs and I don't feel uncomfortable. If I can get my surgery (perhaps I'm just dreaming now), things might change, but for the time being, I'm asexual.
Aww! I hope things go well with you and your girlfriend! :) And I hope you can get SRS someday! <3
Quote from: Ms Grace on February 01, 2015, 03:27:32 AM
eh, I was a virgin until I was 31...when I finally did the deed I wondered what all the fuss was about. But yeah, I've not really been all that interested in sexual relationships mainly because I have the wrong equipment for it so why bother putting myself through the emotional wringer. I do agree with SarahBoo though, so much of our sexuality is psychological and emotional not just physical. Getting the plumbing fixed means little if you're still awkward about your sexuality.
It's difficult to explain, but while I'm sure there are some emotional/psychological aspects of my sexuality that are no 100% balanced, I believe the biggest component to be my wrong parts.
I ultimately buried my dysphoria and tried to function as a male for over 3 decades. My married life was filled with intimacy issues and I accept full responsibility for those. As Carrie Liz noted, successful sex, for me, revolved completely around my partner, my focus on her, even wondering what she was feeling and experiencing.
The idea that many MtFs would choose celibacy until they can complete GCS does not surprise me at all.
I can only speak for myself, but approaching 25 I am in a similar position. Kissed by three people, always initiated by the other party, but nothing further. For me it is not what might attract people to me that bothers me, but rather that I am uncomfortable being touched in a body I don't see as my own. As for people not being attracted to someone in-experienced, sure it is a concern but eh it is their problem and they aren't worth the time anyway.
In my case, in trying to figure out whether I'm asexual or whether my utter lack of interest in sex has to do with dysphoria. For the longest time I didn't even know there was something not "normal" about me until a friend jokingly mentioned me being ace and it made sense. Sometimes though now I think it has more to do with the gender stuff.. Something tells me that I'm scared, but what of exactly I'm not sure.
This sounds perfectly reasonable to me. You're not comfortable with becoming intimate while someone might be attracted to aspects of yourself you're trying to work on, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I know I can identify with that a lot. Right now I know I want nothing to do with partners while I'm in the beginnings of transitioning, and I feel as though I need to be on HRT for a while, and have top surgery before I'm ready for that.
I consider myself pansexual, and likely always will, but sometimes lately I feel saying asexual is an easier way to explain to people that I'm just not interested right now in it with anyone. People's sexualities are fluid, and they change throughout life.
For instance it's not inconceivable in any way that you might find yourself identifying with asexual for a limited time, and then find later on you're much more interested in intimacy.
Nothing wrong at all.
Guy I met was off a vanilla dating site. I was very open telling him I was pre op from day 1. We dated for six months, bought a house.
I think he was just anxious for me to have my surgery as I was because he could tell how much anxiety and angst I had.
He took time off work during the 10 days I was away for my surgery.
Bottom line, he was fine with no sex prior to surgery, and never pressed the issue....nor did he ever see me naked. I would have died if he saw me that way, with my little "tumor".
Now, 5 months post op, life is great.
It takes a really special guy to understand what we feel, our emotions, who we are and who we should be.
Quote from: Muffinheart on February 14, 2015, 07:29:26 AM
Nothing wrong at all.
Guy I met was off a vanilla dating site. I was very open telling him I was pre op from day 1. We dated for six months, bought a house.
I think he was just anxious for me to have my surgery as I was because he could tell how much anxiety and angst I had.
He took time off work during the 10 days I was away for my surgery.
Bottom line, he was fine with no sex prior to surgery, and never pressed the issue....nor did he ever see me naked. I would have died if he saw me that way, with my little "tumor".
Now, 5 months post op, life is great.
It takes a really special guy to understand what we feel, our emotions, who we are and who we should be.
This is so beautiful, Muffin! This gives me hope! <3