It might seem strange that I am asking this question after spending so many days here, after seemingly coming to terms with my identity, and after coming out to my wife and my therapist. And I am sorry if my post offends anyone. I am only trying to think aloud. Because the truth is, I have still not fully been able to accept that I am trans, that I am a 'female trapped in a male body', or that my mind is female. What if my mind is male but with some female tendencies? What if all those 'female tendencies' I think I have are nothing but stereotypes? What if this means the dysphoria is not actually that much of a problem, that I am making it a problem by thinking so much about it?
Until now, I have made a few posts talking about those traits of mine or events in my life which convinced me that I am female. Now, I am going to try to convince myself of the opposite, that I am and have always been male, and see if it works.
I never even had gender dysphoria until a few months ago. At best, I may have been a misfit all my life, but even the term 'misfit' is a bit exaggerated. After all, I have 'fit in' well enough to have had reasonable success in my education and career so far, and to have a good marriage, good relations with family and a good network of friends. Yes, there have been many occasions when I felt out of place even among close friends because I couldn't relate to the way they thought or spoke or acted, but there have been other occasions when I got along well with them and probably behaved just like any other guy.
I may not have been good at sports, but then, there are many other guys like that. Why am I giving so much importance to that stereotype?
The same goes for being good at handling babies, and the supposed carrying angle of my arm which allows me to do it well. Am I not reading too much into it? Aren't there many other 'chores' typically associated with women which I have hardly ever shown interest in?
And after all, other than these few examples, nothing else tells me I should have been female. Throughout my childhood or teenage, I never tried female clothes, or makeup, or long hair, or playing with dolls etc. I remember just one example, maybe when I was about 7-8 years old, when my mother and an aunt dressed up my brother, a male cousin and me as girls, but I don't really think I felt great about it. I just played along, got a photo clicked and that was it. I don't remember the photo, but I think I look sullen in it, while my brother and cousin are both grinning.
In fact, my brother had quite a few occasions throughout school (we were in a boys' school) when he had to dress up as a girl, and he did it quite cheerfully every time. I did not look as feminine, so I never got that chance, but I don't remember feeling bad or jealous about it.
He now looks quite masculine, while I still retain my childhood appearance in some ways, so maybe I now look more feminine than him. But maybe that's because I have never really put in much effort into looking masculine, or any effort on my looks for that matter. I have just gone along with what I had, and I've never had much of a problem with my M-shaped hairline or facial hair until a few weeks back.
I have said before that I did not know the physical differences between boys and girls until shortly before puberty. But I did know that girls and women dress differently, sound different and look different from boys and men. I also knew that boys grow up to become men and girls become women, and that I was a boy. I never had a problem knowing that then, or being referred to as such.
Yes, maybe now I feel a little more free to experiment with my hair, to buy and wear some female clothes, but isn't that all superficial?
Yes, I may have had what I thought were weird questions, fantasies, dreams, fears, thoughts etc for years, and they somehow led me to believe what I think is gender dysphoria, but seriously, is there no other explanation?
Yes, if given that option of pressing a button and becoming female in an instant, I may jump at it, but maybe it's just a case of the 'grass being greener on the other side'?
And after all this, I justify my attraction to women as my being lesbian. And I thought my wife had a 'lesbian side' too. But then, she says she is practical enough to know that is just her fantasy, and she is otherwise happy being hetero. And she doesn't want me to transition, because the cost for our social, professional and family life may just be too much. So why can't I be practical like her and put these thoughts out of my head?
Sorry for the long rant, but I just wanted to get this out of my system. Please feel free to comment. Or if anyone has any problems with what I have written, please tell me and I'll remove it.
Hey, I'm sort of in the same place you are, just from the FtM side of things I guess. Except I don't want to try to see if I can convince myself that I'm a "proper" girl. It's just not going to work, I've tried and failed, which is why I'm here. What I do wonder though, is that if I could express myself the way I want, dress however I want and stuff, would that make me want to transition less? I'm inclined to say no, but I don't know.
But like you say, I wonder whether I'm just exaggerating everything. I know I'm much more masculine than feminine, but I wonder whether I could be okay being a masculine female. I'd much rather be a guy than a girl, but do I actually believe that I'm a guy? I don't think so. I've never really identified anything as dysphoria before, but I think some of it was always there, like my utter dislike of dresses, frilly pink skirts and fitted outfits in general, always tended towards the more unisex/masculine side of things. Also I have vague memories of having trouble with my chest, I don't have many concrete memories but I remember once we had swimming class and all the girls had their towels wrapped around their waists while I had mine wrapped under my armpits, they asked me why and I didn't have an answer (except that I was more comfortable that way). Stuff like that make me trust that this has always been there and I'm not just making it up. It's interesting that you bring up not knowing the physical differences between males and females until puberty, because I think I didn't until I was in 7th grade and it became a topic of discussion among my classmates (was in an all-girls school). But it wasn't like I didn't know at all, it was more like I had a vague notion in the back of my head that I wasn't really aware of? It was kind of like an "oh.." moment when these conversations came up. I don't know what to make of the fact that I hadn't realized the physical differences until so late an age, but I can also say that I don't recall feeling uncomfortable or sad with the fact.
After three months of thinking about this stuff, I still have these sorts of thoughts. But more often than not, I'll end up with the conclusion that I'd much rather transition than continue life this way. The thought of becoming a guy has become a motivating force of some sort, even though right now it seems so far away and possibly won't even happen.
Quote from: darkblade on February 03, 2015, 11:55:17 AM
Hey, I'm sort of in the same place you are, just from the FtM side of things I guess. Except I don't want to try to see if I can convince myself that I'm a "proper" girl. It's just not going to work, I've tried and failed, which is why I'm here. What I do wonder though, is that if I could express myself the way I want, dress however I want and stuff, would that make me want to transition less? I'm inclined to say no, but I don't know.
But like you say, I wonder whether I'm just exaggerating everything. I know I'm much more masculine than feminine, but I wonder whether I could be okay being a masculine female. I'd much rather be a guy than a girl, but do I actually believe that I'm a guy? I don't think so. I've never really identified anything as dysphoria before, but I think some of it was always there, like my utter dislike of dresses, frilly pink skirts and fitted outfits in general, always tended towards the more unisex/masculine side of things. Also I have vague memories of having trouble with my chest, I don't have many concrete memories but I remember once we had swimming class and all the girls had their towels wrapped around their waists while I had mine wrapped under my armpits, they asked me why and I didn't have an answer (except that I was more comfortable that way). Stuff like that make me trust that this has always been there and I'm not just making it up. It's interesting that you bring up not knowing the physical differences between males and females until puberty, because I think I didn't until I was in 7th grade and it became a topic of discussion among my classmates (was in an all-girls school). But it wasn't like I didn't know at all, it was more like I had a vague notion in the back of my head that I wasn't really aware of? It was kind of like an "oh.." moment when these conversations came up. I don't know what to make of the fact that I hadn't realized the physical differences until so late an age, but I can also say that I don't recall feeling uncomfortable or sad with the fact.
After three months of thinking about this stuff, I still have these sorts of thoughts. But more often than not, I'll end up with the conclusion that I'd much rather transition than continue life this way. The thought of becoming a guy has become a motivating force of some sort, even though right now it seems so far away and possibly won't even happen.
Exactly, except for looking at it from the opposite direction, I have mostly similar feelings about all this.
To add to the childhood experiences I was talking about, besides the dressing incident, I also vaguely remember trying painting one of my nails once, and maybe a bit of henna on my palms once. I never really craved to do any of these things, but I didn't hate trying them either. I never tried them again, but that's mostly because I knew I'd be given a tough time in a boys' school with such things. I am not too enthusiastic about makeup or pink dresses etc, but I know many cis women like that too, including my wife, so I don't think that means much. Or maybe it does.. I don't know.
And well, now that I look back at what I wrote in the previous post and this one, I think convincing myself about being male is not working. But then, is wanting to be something a good enough reason to actually try it? If practical reasons do not allow it, isn't there any way that I can convince myself against it? I don't know... I am just too confused.
You're smart, I can tell. You're going about this process, as far as I can see, perfectly. Just be open and honest with your therapist (and with yourself), and allow the process of self discovery to work its magic on you.
Above all else, just keep loving yourself to the best of your ability as you move through this process. That shouldn't be too hard to do; I don't even know you, and I love you already.
Peace!
Miharu
One thing I did that helped me after coming out was to tell myself to "let go". Every time something gender related popped into my head or I was interacting with people, I would keep telling myself to "let go". Then at night, I would find some quiet time to reflect on what happened each day and how I felt. I wanted to be honest with myself, and this helped me tremendously with my confidence and comfort level. I also made sure that I was open to any possibility, whether I found myself to be cis, trans, non-binary, gender fluid, etc.
I think we deal with clues, ideas and a self diagnosis of transgender that is perfectly easy to have doubts about. I appreciate your thinking aloud and sharing it Cindy. One clue is the persistence of these 'ideas' as it does not seem to happen to cisgender people and efforts to 'be practical' like your spouse may only point to your differences?
Gender identity is intrinsic, you just feel it. Gender behavior and appearance is IMO cultural and learned. Yes, plenty of this is as 'superficial' as styles can be. How many people still wear togas except to parties?
Hi Cindy,
You are on a journey.
Sometimes the direction of the path changes.
It is important to keep moving forward and allow yourself to experiment. That is very healthy.
I know many trans that are not binary. I know many that like to express in their typical birth gender for activities or cloths or makeup. It may be just on occasion or more often. It all depends on what makes you feel good about yourself. As you become more comfortable about who you are you will figure out all the details.
Miharu, DrummerGirl, Tessa, Cynthia: Thanks a lot for all your advice. It's really encouraging and reassuring.
I am still at a very early stage of discovering myself, so it is difficult to let go of these thoughts, whether they are based on present events or past memories.
Maybe once I get out of this constant questioning, I will be more at peace.
Though I would like to keep an open mind about my identity, I don't think I am non-binary or gender fluid (no offence meant to anyone). At least since I've realized what gender identity may really mean, I can see that in me the desire to be female, and seen and accepted as such, is clearly there and it over-rides any thoughts about my maleness.
Though I mostly accepted my 'male' identity until now, I think I always did it to stay out of trouble and because I did not fully know how it is different from sexuality, how people really go about transitioning, and that it is possible to have a regular life even after that.
So I just dismissed it as one of those random thoughts anyone may have which may seem impossible.
Well cindy tbh that sounds like exactly what I am thinking and really pretty early in this discovery process as well. Only thing I can add is I am waiting to get hrt and for whatever reason something is driving me to try it for a peace of mind thing. Apparantly its supposed to be a diagnostic to being dysphoric or transgender if you will in that way I feel taking it will help guide me to where to proceed. All I can say for now is the trying of the hrt is nagging me to take it yet my mind is logically saying wait this does not appear right. Really this seems like a paradox then again is that what dysphoria really is is a paradox and we are trying to find a middle ground. Just my feelings at the moment is to proceed with an open mind and heart and see where this path leads. Hopefully the HRT will provide insight as to where I am going if that makes any sense at all. I wish you best of luck figuring this out it sure is not a sit down and figure out right away question.
@ Jen72: Thanks. I've also heard that HRT can be used as a diagnostic tool, but at the moment, I have no way of trying it out except self-medicating. And I do not want to go down that route if I can avoid it.
Please don't self medicate. I highly recommend that you work with a therapist in regards to this. Just because you didn't know from a young age doesn't mean your not transgendered. They're are many on this site who didn't know tell much later in life. HRT won't truly and fully help you decide this anyway because only you can. HRT only confirmed what I already knew and secondly I would have transitioned anyway regardless of HRT. I didn't fully understand the difference between sexuality and gender tell after I started my transition. It wasn't that I didn't understand the difference it was merely that I hadn't given it any thought. I avoided any relationship due to my anatomy issues in the first place that only compounded by gender issues. Hugs and good luck
Mariah
Quote from: cindy16 on February 10, 2015, 10:21:21 AM
@ Jen72: Thanks. I've also heard that HRT can be used as a diagnostic tool, but at the moment, I have no way of trying it out except self-medicating. And I do not want to go down that route if I can avoid it.
You sound like your situation is very similar to mine. The only dysphoria issue I've ever had is being grossed out with my equipment during arousal. When I first started to question my gender, I asked the question is it possible to be only partially female just as you can be bi-sexual. I'm now convinced that I'm non-binary with a slight tenancy twards being female. But since I hate and always have hated what I have, I'm planning on going for the surgery in time. HRT has been great for me. Less arousal means less dysphoria. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life being able to accept myself for who I am. I don't mind telling everyone I'm female since the whole non-binary thing could be too confusing for people that barely grasp the concept of transgender in the first place.
Thanks Mariah and Ashley.
I do not want to self-medicate, but I am in a bit of a fix right now.
I have not found a gender therapist yet, and the general therapist that I've been seeing is now sort of reaching the limit of how much she can help me. She has really helped me in stabilizing my thought process and dealing with my fears and concerns etc, but in terms of actual treatment of gender issues, she herself says her knowledge is limited.
She and I have been trying to find people specializing in gender issues, but with no luck yet. One specialist she spoke to had a sort of dismissive response saying this is like a fad, while two specialists I have emailed have both responded saying they have emigrated. One of them offered to do a Skype chat but that too after more than a month. I've also written to a prominent gay activist, a trans girl who narrated her experience on national television here in India, and a well-known NGO working on LGBT issues, but none of them have responded yet.
Other than these whom I have directly contacted, I have tried to search for other specialists who might be able to help, but the profiles that I find online do not inspire much confidence. I have a couple of options still left to explore but they will involve either a Skype chat (which I think might be too impersonal) or going to a really expensive hospital (my insurance plan won't cover it afaik) and possibly having to out myself with no assurance that I'll get what I need.
Also, I have a feeling that my situation may make it more difficult for any therapists to take me seriously. I am married, identify as lesbian, and want to be with my wife no matter what. My wife and I plan to have a kid in the near future, so she is obviously skeptical right now about my choosing to transition, but she has given hints that she may come to accept it later, especially after we have a kid. But I think these 'male' aspects of my personality might put off any therapist, because the only cases I have come across in India so far have all been of girls who were totally heterosexual.
Compared to all this, it is really easy to buy medicines for HRT over the counter here. I know dosages etc are not discussed here on Susan's, but I have found info about it elsewhere, and I have some idea how and where to get myself tested and what should I look out for. But I know self-medicating is not a good idea, and if I run into problems that I need medical help for, I'll be in an even bigger fix. So that's where things stand as of now.
Quote from: cindy16 on February 10, 2015, 11:35:01 AM
Thanks Mariah and Ashley.
I do not want to self-medicate, but I am in a bit of a fix right now.
I have not found a gender therapist yet, and the general therapist that I've been seeing is now sort of reaching the limit of how much she can help me. She has really helped me in stabilizing my thought process and dealing with my fears and concerns etc, but in terms of actual treatment of gender issues, she herself says her knowledge is limited.
She and I have been trying to find people specializing in gender issues, but with no luck yet. One specialist she spoke to had a sort of dismissive response saying this is like a fad, while two specialists I have emailed have both responded saying they have emigrated. One of them offered to do a Skype chat but that too after more than a month. I've also written to a prominent gay activist, a trans girl who narrated her experience on national television here in India, and a well-known NGO working on LGBT issues, but none of them have responded yet.
Other than these whom I have directly contacted, I have tried to search for other specialists who might be able to help, but the profiles that I find online do not inspire much confidence. I have a couple of options still left to explore but they will involve either a Skype chat (which I think might be too impersonal) or going to a really expensive hospital (my insurance plan won't cover it afaik) and possibly having to out myself with no assurance that I'll get what I need.
Also, I have a feeling that my situation may make it more difficult for any therapists to take me seriously. I am married, identify as lesbian, and want to be with my wife no matter what. My wife and I plan to have a kid in the near future, so she is obviously skeptical right now about my choosing to transition, but she has given hints that she may come to accept it later, especially after we have a kid. But I think these 'male' aspects of my personality might put off any therapist, because the only cases I have come across in India so far have all been of girls who were totally heterosexual.
Compared to all this, it is really easy to buy medicines for HRT over the counter here. I know dosages etc are not discussed here on Susan's, but I have found info about it elsewhere, and I have some idea how and where to get myself tested and what should I look out for. But I know self-medicating is not a good idea, and if I run into problems that I need medical help for, I'll be in an even bigger fix. So that's where things stand as of now.
A great number of people who transition are married, consider themselves lesbians or both. You're still transgendered just those are other aspects of your life. Anyone who would diss you based on that isn't basing their judgment on facts and are not using the WPATH standards. I totally can relate to how Skype can be not as personal after having to reschedule a session after having problems with Skype. Psychology today and a local support group would be great if ways to start searching for someone who will work. Whatever you do don't give because your having trouble finding someone. I have to travel several hours to see my second therapist and first would have been the same way if I hadn't opted to use Skype. Good luck hugs
Mariah
Sent from my Mariah's iPad using Tapatalk
hi Cindy,
What you described, best described me to a T (no pun intended).
All my life I experienced the things you described, but I never, ever thought I was trans.
I'll tell you two funny things that determined why I am who I am today.
In 2007, I was on a crossdressing site, because at that time, I thought I was "just" a CD'r.
One day while chatting, a guy said something to me and I remember it like yesterday. He said: You, are not a CD. You are a woman.
I was taken aback as no one had ever said this. I never thought this.
So from this point I started to ask myself questions. It was then I sought out a gender therapist.
That first session with the therapist, I recall her saying something like "xxxx, I do not make a determination of what or who you are in one session. This will be the first of 5 sessions, at that point I'll give you my opinion."
After the first session ended, I was in tears as I had opened up about my growing up, my life, rejection and so on like I had never opened up before.
She never talked during the session, I just kept talking and talking.
As I was leaving, I begged her to tell me what she thought...and she said "you're going to love transition."
She knew, I have no idea why or what, but she knew.
Within 4 months, I was on hormones and 6 years later I'm post op.
I bet it's hard for you, or maybe not, to believe you are trans, or you're a woman, or however you want to identify.
But the fact you have these feelings tells me you have questions.
I recommend talking to someone.
It did the world for me, and today, well, life is f'n awesome because I conquered my past.
Nina
Thanks Mariah, and thanks Nina for sharing your touching story.
Well, even I thought until recently that I was just a CD'r, but I've now realized my feelings go much deeper than just clothing.
I took a long time to come to this point because of my sexuality, which seemed 'normal' for a 'male' all along. I now know about the WPATH standards and that I am not alone in my situation, but it's really tough to find professionals here who might understand this.
I am not sure if I am allowed to diss a specific person like this, but I'll go ahead anyway. Please see from 7:30 onwards on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UX7LPP0_U9g to get an idea of how the usual doctors working on gender identity issues here in India think. He seems to think he can change homosexuals to heterosexuals, and also seems confused between gender identity and sexual orientation. And this person is apparently one of the best known psychiatrists in Mumbai, the largest city in India. It scares me to even think about going to any of them.
As I said before, I found two people online who looked like they could understand, but both of them no longer live in India. I won't give up though, and will keep looking.
Meanwhile, I have spoken to my wife and to a therapist (she does not specialize in gender issues), and the support from both of them has so far helped me keep my mind balanced.
Good luck and I mean good luck I pray you find some one that will help. I admit about somewhere around 10 years ago I tried a herbal mix well ok tried a couple times but the first time something did happen yet only for a short instance. I did feel great yet guilty for feeling that good and o damn I will get caught kinda thing. All that being said DO NOT try herbal its in a way worse then self meds as you do get minor effects for one and a bunch of other toxins and stuff you don't need and not exactly stable amounts on top of that. I do see as I feel now anyway self medicating in anyway just not a good idea.
As I said I pray you find someone to help you figure out well where you are going really. I have spoken to a therapist but really that was for the most part it I just talked the bugger is I think really the only person that can really answer the nagging question is you. Not saying help is not needed but maybe for the most part its self determination. I know that may seem of little aid but for now seems like all you have. Perhaps an idea if possible is to speak to a therapist via Skype or whatever may help more then you think even if just to get a start on your decision however it unfolds. I realise a real person with private conversation is better but sometimes a compromise is better then nothing at all.
Wish you luck in finding the answer you seek with whatever aid you can find wherever it comes from just remember the final answer is in your soul.
I will add that still figuring this out as well and think this is good advice but new to this too. The truth is out there or is it in us:)
Cindy,
I also stood in the cross dresser corner for an long time. Back and forth to and fro for an agonizing 10 years. At MANY times in that period my head said, "it's just easier be a boy." Now I have the freedom of self exploration, and my head hasn't said that for a while, ( even through a TERRIBLE wardrobe / hair malfunction the other day... sally forth!) Point of the matter is we are all on a journey of a very personal nature and self acceptance and honest is really all we get to bring. So to you I say Good Journey! You will land when the gears drop.
Cindy that video was enlightening and it is a special feature of this site that there are people like you from all over the world. I can only imagine that there are some significant challenges for you beyond finding a therapist and a prescribing physician for HRT. A rich and colorful world with cultures and personal circumstances to negotiate. I admire your determination and what you want seems very reasonable.
@ Jen72, Pansy, Tessa: Thanks for your replies.
Tessa, I know that finding surgeons for SRS etc here will be challenging, if that's what you meant by beyond therapy and HRT. From what I know, Thailand is the preferred option here for those who can afford it, because within India, you either have super expensive hospitals which may be as costly as Thailand and with lesser experience, or you have numerous quacks who treat the 'third gender' TGs here with highly questionable results. There has been some talk of state support in some parts of the country but it's too recent and I'm not sure if I want to rely on that.
But surgery is a distant thought as of now, and being a one-time process, it is possible to go for it anywhere else in the world.
But yes, for regular stuff like therapy right now and possibly HRT later, I need to find someone within India and I am having a tough time trying to find where to begin.
Hi Cindy,
Thank you for your thoughts on this! I admit that I feel almost exactly the way you do. My situation also feels not "typical". I sometimes beat myself up because I feel I might be overthinking it in the first place. But, I then tell myself if I am questioning it in the first place, there must be some validation. This doesn't always work and one day I might know it's right and the next it isn't as urgent. Do you ever feel this way? Just keep your head up and know that others are feeling like you, I know this helped me a lot. :)
Michael
Hi Michael,
Thanks for your message. I know about your situation from your first post a few days ago.
Yes, I have been oscillating between feeling really convinced about my identity and feeling that I am overthinking it and fooling myself, but so far, I have not been able to really convince myself of the latter since I seriously started thinking about this a few weeks ago.
And come to think of it, all my memories right from childhood and also the growing questions and thoughts over the last few years which led me to this stage all seem to fit in so well with the gender dysphoria explanation that I can't see any other reason for it now.
I also read elsewhere that a therapist can only help you accept yourself, and check whether you have any other conditions or personality disorders which might be driving the gender issues. At least that is what a good therapist is supposed to do, and not diss you based on your sexuality or late onset or anything else. I have never had any other psychiatric issues or symptoms, so I see no other solution to it except to transition at some point. The only questions are how long can I hold on as my current self and how far I'll need to go.
I had initially thought that late onset cases like mine are probably 'milder' and can be 'managed', but the last few weeks have told me that even if it starts late, it just occupies your mind very quickly and can drive you off the cliff very soon if you don't do anything about it. :-\
Cindy
Tessa, about that video, I just realized it may seem to some that I have made the video or am somehow related to it. That's not the case. I just came across it on youtube while searching for other info. The video has actually been made by the same trans girl that I mentioned a few posts ago.
Quote from: cindy16 on February 03, 2015, 11:05:26 AM
And after all this, I justify my attraction to women as my being lesbian. And I thought my wife had a 'lesbian side' too. But then, she says she is practical enough to know that is just her fantasy, and she is otherwise happy being hetero. And she doesn't want me to transition, because the cost for our social, professional and family life may just be too much. So why can't I be practical like her and put these thoughts out of my head?
Cindy- Your eloquent post is the reason that I am so glad to be a member of this community. It is open and honest, and strikes at the heart of many of the issues that I have struggled with. What is more, it seems from my brief time in this forum, to be very common that such similar ideas, unease, and restlessness plague so many of us. The question that your wife asks about "why can't you be practical" is certainly one that I have faced in my early transition. And, since I am 64, it is accompanied by the supplimentary barrage: "Why now? How did you not know this before? How could you do this to us?" And, when I have tried to explain my perplexities to a cis-friend, I have started out with, "I know this is wierd, and may sound crazy, but.... I know I am a woman." Fortunately, I had a wise person answer that statement with something that is profound and terribly helpful to me, and maybe it will be to you. Paraphrased, she said, "Sheila, the best evidence, as odd as it may seem from the outside, that you are right where you need to be? You are asking these questions. Do you think cis-males ever even think of these issues; much less agonize over them and make decisions based on the answers?" I think that she is onto something that resonates for me: that this has appeared in my life is something that may have always been there, but for whatever reasons, it's meaning and importance has surfaced and now it is a large conscious part of my day to day. I really believe that many of us have gotten here in this life for some inexplicable purpose and are awakening to and grappling with these "odd" issues. For me, I am as perplexed as you are, and struggle mightily at times with the construct and its' implications and the energy it requires and the loss and the unknown and the fear. Sometimes I feel lost and alone. Who would understand this mystery????? Well, it so happens that lots of humans are awakening to this. Maybe we are the vanguard of something new with some new way of being. I don't know, but what I do know, is that when I see someone like you that is so bluntly honest and as perplexed as I am, that I somehow feel better. I am not doing this alone, and there are many others that are going through a similar initiation. Is it right? Is it practical? Is it fair to others? I don't know that I will ever be able to reconcile these questions, but I see others further down the road in this transition process that assure me that there is some peace in the exploration. So, all I can do is put one high heel infront of the other and try to stay open to what wants to be revealed in my journey.....Thank you so very, very much for your openess. Sorry for the long reply, but it really strikes a chord this morning. Blessings to you, Sheila Grace
Sheila, thank you so much for your really kind words.
What you have written really resonates with me too, especially the part about how asking these questions to ourselves is itself some sort of indication that we are probably not cis-men. And I have not just asked myself questions, I have gone on and tried to find answers, landed up here and am sticking around for now. From what I know, most cis people would probably treat a lot of the stuff we discuss here as TMI or even freak out over it. All of this indicates that there is obviously something different about us.
Fortunately, my wife has not exactly asked me those questions which I mentioned, or demanded any other answers as such. Those are questions that I keep asking myself. Though she is not at all supportive right now of me transitioning, she has given indications that she may come around eventually, and until now, she has been incredibly supportive and understanding about my mental / emotional issues regarding this. I understand her fears about me transitioning - we are yet to start a family, have high-stakes careers and live in a fairly conservative country, so it can be really problematic for both of us.
But I do feel we can work it all out. My wife and I have both had some indication about my feminine side all along, and are both dealing with it becoming dominant now, and are both trying to find explanations which could convince me that I am male after all, but are realizing it may not work, and we may have to do what we need to do.
It's just the other external factors in our situation which are troubling us right now as I've mentioned above.
In a lot of ways you remind me of myself when I first started questioning about a couple years ago. Even as recently as early 2014, I was still thinking I was simply a boy who liked to wear girl's clothes because it felt nice.
I don't know if you keep a journal, but I've been writing in mine for a long time, and it holds every major shift in my attitude toward being trans and wanting to transition. I've gone back and forth on the issue repeatedly, sometimes thinking myself a girl and other times a boy with an odd habit. The first piece of overtly feminine clothing I ever bought was a black blouse with floral lace sleeves, and I remember writing in my journal the day I got it that wearing it made me feel as free as air, and that I could transition if I wanted to.
I didn't know I was trans until over 3 or 4 weeks ago, and that was also the same time I decided to seriously explore transition, and what led me to being here. For me, the clothes are more than just clothes, they're the only tangible, physical link I have to my inner girl, and I have to let her express herself sometime, or else it gets uncomfortable.
Not every trans person suffers from dysphoria. I've been quite happy with my male life, given it's been all of my existence until now, but now that I've looked inside myself and found a girl waiting to make herself known, why shouldn't I embrace her? I could continue as I am relatively easily, but to do so would be to deny a part of myself.
My fondest hope for you is that you find the identity that matches you best, and I wish you all the luck in the world. :-)
Quote from: Christa Michelle on February 11, 2015, 08:16:11 PM
I didn't know I was trans until over 3 or 4 weeks ago, and that was also the same time I decided to seriously explore transition, and what led me to being here. For me, the clothes are more than just clothes, they're the only tangible, physical link I have to my inner girl, and I have to let her express herself sometime, or else it gets uncomfortable.
Not every trans person suffers from dysphoria. I've been quite happy with my male life, given it's been all of my existence until now, but now that I've looked inside myself and found a girl waiting to make herself known, why shouldn't I embrace her? I could continue as I am relatively easily, but to do so would be to deny a part of myself.
My fondest hope for you is that you find the identity that matches you best, and I wish you all the luck in the world. :-)
Thanks Christa, what you have written in these lines is almost exactly what I feel. I also thought initially that I'll be happy with just the clothing, but very soon, it was no longer enough. It was not about being 'turned on', it wasn't just about comfort, it wasn't something I could simply wear for a while and then forget about, it went deeper than all this. It was only after a few days of being here that I began accepting what it meant.
And it has now changed my attitude towards clothing. Earlier, I would dress up in private, look at myself in the mirror and feel happy at the slightest hints of femininity that I saw. Now, I want to try something out in public but stop myself saying I have to bide my time (except women's jeans, which pass off as gender-neutral to most people) and I now feel a bit upset with the mirror because it is no longer about 'hints of femininity', but about not being feminine enough.
Anyway, I think I am just going in loops thinking about all this. Enough about me for now. :)
I hope you too find the right path ahead for yourself, and I wish you the best.
Finding where to begin is always a process, but at least u have the support of your wife to work through this. Its important to know who you are and why you are doing it. Therapy can be great, the fact your trying to figure it out means your taking it seriously.
I have been struggling with letting out my secret my entire life, I have spoken to internet friends and even had a trans friend who worked near my work. I never told him about me, but always listened to him go on and on about transistion. So i think he may have guessed my interest. I also know of a gay male roomate he had that thought it
would be fun to take hormones too. So he could crossdress at a rainbow bar they would frequent. After about 4 or 5 months he stopped taking them and had a breakdown. Didnt like what they made him feel like. My trans friend is fully gg today and very happy. So maybe in the end your soul will let you know where you belong in this world. Keep your options open and ask yourself does it make the inner you feel right, the outter you is just a face we put on for others to believe in. When you can put the two in harmony that is real happiness.
Quote from: stephee72 on February 11, 2015, 10:32:58 PM
So maybe in the end your soul will let you know where you belong in this world. Keep your options open and ask yourself does it make the inner you feel right, the outter you is just a face we put on for others to believe in. When you can put the two in harmony that is real happiness.
Thanks stephee, those words are really thought-provoking. I hope you too find a way to resolve your struggle.
Quote from: cindy16 on February 11, 2015, 02:34:41 AM
But yes, for regular stuff like therapy right now and possibly HRT later, I need to find someone within India and I am having a tough time trying to find where to begin.
Have you found anyone ?
If not , there is a fb group called india LGBT and find for a doc named lgbt friendly therapists
Hi Kim,
Well my current therapist referred me to a psychiatrist a couple of weeks back. I wrote about it in https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,183446.msg1628231.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,183446.msg1628231.html)
Neither of them are specialists in gender issues, but they have been helpful so far, so I don't feel the need to go anywhere else right now. If I do need letters etc for HRT later and I can't get those from them, then I'll see what to do.
Thanks for asking.
Cindy,
Just checking in. Hoping you are still strong no matter what the therapists do or say, Just remember your happiness comes from that inner voice. What it tells you to do is ok, just dont be rash and make any mass changes overnight. Just tr uh t k sm k le and laugh each day. Hope your weekend is filled with joy.
Love Stephee
Stephee, thanks for asking. I am doing fine mostly, and the therapist has been quite helpful all along.
I know that being rash or making overnight changes isn't the way to go about it, because I want to preserve my marriage and career while I am at it, so it's going to be one small step at a time.
Cindy,
I am in the same boat as you, your just further along, im not all out, I desperately want to keep my wife and family, and I need my job. Its so hard to juggle what this does to you and your life. I am rooting for you and look forward to seeing how it all works out for you. Just keep trying to find something each day to make you happy, kinda balances out the bad.
Love Stephee
Thanks Stephee. Although if you are going to wait to see how things work out for me, it might be a long wait. :P
e.g. even HRT (if at all) is at least a year away for me, perhaps more.
Cindy, Im not going to wait, Im going at my my own pace, Ive actually been on and off hrt before, but I never broke completely through the closet. Trying to lose weight now, to get to the next step and slowly find my way where I know I have to be. Your ahead in the fact that you are at least seeing a therapist and the wife knows and supports. Either way thats what this forum is for support of each other.
Oh, I didn't know that you had been on and off hrt. At least you know what that would have felt like. That's another example to me of how there is no one definite path, and each one can be ahead or behind the others in various aspects of transitioning.
I admit watching your posts a lot sounds you are thinking a lot like me including the should I or fooling myself thing. Of course I am different as far as I am single and different country/culture but in some ways so alike. Anyway I guess I am stalking out of common thoughts of what where am I going. I am guessing I will be trying hrt before you and will definitely let ya know how I feel etc. I know not your answer but it might help figure this am I fooling myself or not. Or I haven't a clue either.
What is funny in not a ha ha manner is the wait I am on is good in that I really think on it then again the wait also feels like I am thinking on it too much. I hope we both find that balance of mind versus heart to find the peace we deserve:) May your roads be not so bumpy and to find that next road at your pace:)
I want to briefly address that "just fooling myself" concept a bit more as so many of us have been plagued by the nagging doubts that often result. I wonder how many of us, as children, looked down and said to ourselves that i must be fooling myself, my anatomy clearly says I am a boy or girl. Couple that with some cultural attitudes about rigid gender ideas, transphobia and few objective resources it's no wonder we may feel we are crazy or an alien being. But we also know that being transgender or transsexual or a crossdresser is accepting membership in club that has largely been scorned, derided, ridiculed and subject to murderous discrimination. Unless we are terribly masochistic or have a martyr complex i can fathom no reasonable explanation other than this is our truth. Anatomy is not destiny and the availability of successful peers and therapists to help us determine what is going on is a priceless advance for us.
Yes, our memories can be muddled and conflated. Police, psychologists and trial attorneys are well aware of our imperfect recollections even when it comes to life and death matters. For most of us, however, this is not a single episode but typically years and even decades of anguish or feeling our very body is wrong and doesn't fit. Many have learned to cope and thrive despite the obstacles while denying our true selfs. It is the persistence of this certain feeling that "I am not what I appear to be" that leads us to explore a greater understanding. I trust we are smart and may recognize that we fool ourselves even more by denying, hiding and repressing our true selves. I once thought no one could know and was surprised after coming out and having so many people say that "i knew that you were gay or trans" or "that makes sense now" Yes, it does make sense and I am grateful to those that have gone before us and paved some paths to understanding.
I have this topic, especially the wondering as children part, fresh in my mind because I was talking about it today with my therapist too.
She was listening to me ramble on and then remarked how I often point out that unlike other trans folk, I never felt this way since childhood and that I only realized it very recently. We then went on to discuss how exactly did I even figure out stuff related to gender and sexuality.
Well, I don't really remember wondering about gender or sexuality or anatomy much as a child. I was aware from an early age that males and females look/sound/act different and that in some way it was biologically determined, but the exact difference was not clear until the age of 9-10 I think. By that time, I was already aware of the trans folk that are commonly seen begging in public in India, and that they are considered 'neither male nor female'. This awareness also brings with it transphobia and prejudice against them which is very common in India, and I am still not sure if I am fully rid of it. But what exactly is their situation and how they end up where they are was not clear to me until much later, maybe only as an adult.
Terms like 'transgender', '->-bleeped-<-', 'MtF/FtM', 'queer', 'non-binary', 'genderfluid' etc were also things I understood only as an adult, maybe only in the last few years. I was aware of those who cross-dress occasionally, of which there are many examples in Indian mythology and in Indian movies / television as well, and also in plays performed in single-sex schools, but nothing more than that in terms of anything linked to someone's fundamental identity.
Only some more common terms like 'gay', 'lesbian' and 'sex change operation' were things I heard sometime in my teens, but I never really related to the first two terms and the third one just seemed like some exotic thing that exists either in sci-fi or is maybe experimental or something the very rich can afford. I think in all of this, I just went with this assumption that sex is biologically determined and there is nothing one can do about it. Also, I always linked gender identity and sexuality with each other until a few years ago, so since I have always been attracted to girls, I thought I had nothing to worry about.
At the mental / emotional level, I think I was aware from my early teens that my way of thinking and emotions are probably different from many guys. I came across these pop quizzes which use stereotypes and pop psychology to tell you how male/female are you, and even though I had some stereotypical male traits like being good with numbers or being interested in sports (watching and talking about them, never playing), I would still end up with a score on the feminine side or a mix of both. I just accepted it as a part of myself, and those who know me well have always known me as being 'sensitive' and all, but I didn't think much of that either.
Socially, I was neither the type to play sports or other rough-and-tumble with boys nor wanting to play with dolls etc with girls. Instead, it was always books for me, and I could simply be by myself for hours on end. Though I do remember enjoying board games or anything else that both boys and girls could play together. But being in an environment with limited mixed-gender interaction, I cannot say for sure whether I did or would have preferred interacting with one more than the other. What I am more sure of is that I simply dismissed my being different as being a nerd, and I carried that explanation about myself in my head until very recently when I couldn't carry it any longer in the face of a lot of evidence to the contrary (that nerdy guys are just like other guys in so many ways and I am different from them too).
Then in the last few years, only as I started living by myself and then with my wife and became closer to her than I had ever been to my parents or anyone else, has the full extent of my feelings come out, to myself initially and now to her as well. And it is only with the awareness of how wide the trans umbrella really is, and knowing that there are people who transition and live 'normal' lives including marriage, careers etc that I could begin to relate to it. And then realizing all that actually goes into transitioning has led me to begin to ask myself how much or which parts of it I really want. For example, I did not even know about HRT, how essential it is for transitioning and the changes that it can bring about until a few months ago, and it is only then that I began to think this was something I wanted for myself.
That's my story so far, in short. There are a lot of other mental blocks on the way that I had to overcome to accept myself, but even if some of my recollections are imperfect, I think the direction that most of them point in is now very clear. Whether I end up doing anything about it or not is a different matter.
Maybe you should just try not to think about it and let things just be natural. Just be your self. It can be very easy to over think things. Trust me, I do it all of the time. I am also OCD which doesn't help either. Lol
For me, I have always acted like a girl, not in such a way that I sound "over girly" but I think it is kind of obvious. If you read me post called "What Am I" you will understand my situation more. :)
I am sure you will figure things out. Just remember that what ever you decide, you did not fail your self. You are who you are, weather it be guy or girl.
Haha, yeah I tend to overthink things. Now that I look back, that last post just repeated a lot of what I had already said, so that shows how my mind is simply going around in circles. :P
Thanks have to read that post "what am i":)
Cindy16 trust me I know the feeling as I started I didn't keep a journal but I have written down kinda what I might say to my therapist (since always been shy didn't want to forget things or not say them) in doing so I happen to write more after and for third visit there I happen to do a lot of repeating or same thing but worded different.
I too think I am over thinking but its hard not to not exactly a minor decision. Hard part is letting the heart control more then the mind if ya know what I mean but still need some thought in it. I hope you find the answers you seek I sure know its fuzzy at the moment. I will say an adaptation that fits.
To be or not to be is not the question but to be who you really are is the answer.
Corny but seems to fit all to well.