Hello, what I'm about to write can take some time, but your feedback is highly appreciated...
Basically I got into an argument with my parents again about me being trans and about my studies.
They confronted me about me looking sad for some reason (they know about me being trans), I tried to not get into an argument with them so avoided it and said nothing was wrong, they took it wrong.
They kept on insisting. In the end I told them I am worried for the coming year. The coming year I am going to go to university but also the time of me wanting to come out and start to transition is also drawing nearer... (note that I haven't done much on the transition part aside from wearing makeup time to time but don't even got any clothes yet. Which I am planning to go get).
They believe I can't take it, the difficulty of my studies and the strain of coming out and transitioning...
The thing now is that they proposed for me to not go study next year to focus on the transitioning and coming out or instead focus on studying and put aside the gender dysphoria.
I simply don't know what to do anymore... I have to decide pretty fast (1st of may) and make up my mind...
I really want to continue my studies I'm hyped for it I really am. But would transitioning first be a better solution...? I am just so confused I don't know what to do anymore and feel attacked by every side. My parents tell me they want the best for me and they sure do want that and I appreciate their concern but... They can be a bit forceful.
They proposed going traveling with me being girl mode... But the issue with that is that I have to dress up every day which is nice, but I hate traveling with them. I have done it before with them but when I travel with them in the little camper I feel really isolated from everything. I don't got a lot of friends, not at all and most of em are online ones. It might sound pathetic to them but my friends and this forum is my only way of venting and my only way to talk to someone. If I go along with them it basically means I have to endure a lot of fighting on their side, and I will have to endure being isolated. They think that I don't want to go with them because I apparently would "enjoy playing video games more" . When in reality I just feel uncomfortable going with them in a small car besides from being bored. But I can't tell them that... This is so frustrating, the conversations are especially, everything I have once told them..., it feels like it is used being against me which only makes me raise my guard even more.
I can only tell them that I am 100% sure of me being trans, and I am pretty sure. But you can never be 100% sure especially not when your parents keep asking you if you are and keep repeating over the risks and all that which I am fully aware of over and over.
Just help... I got no clue anymore
Luna Star, if you decided to take a break and transition first, would that affect your acceptance at university? Is there a "medical deferment" that will allow you to delay attendance?
Probably you've already thought about this...
Quote from: newgrrrl on February 07, 2015, 02:07:20 PM
Luna Star, if you decided to take a break and transition first, would that affect your acceptance at university? Is there a "medical deferment" that will allow you to delay attendance?
Probably you've already thought about this...
There wouldn't be, or at least I think there wouldn't be. The biggest worry about going that route is that I feel like that year I am doing "nothing". And maybe get used to not studying anymore.
Hi Luna Star:
In my opinion you can study and transition in the same time. It's true the first months you are gonna feel the effects of the hormones (the good ones and the bad ones: mood changes, ups and downs). But u re gonna feel them even if u study or not. On the contrary, if u go to university, u will keep ur mind busy and it s good. Sorry for my english, I'm Spanish.
I want to make new friends too. I will send you a private message :)
Quote from: Layal_Shams on February 07, 2015, 02:22:31 PM
Hi Luna Star:
In my opinion you can study and transition in the same time. It's true the first months you are gonna feel the effects of the hormones (the good ones and the bad ones: mood changes, ups and downs). But u re gonna feel them even if u study or not. On the contrary, if u go to university, u will keep ur mind busy and it s good. Sorry for my english, I'm Spanish.
I want to make new friends too. I will send you a private message :)
Their biggest concern is not the hormones, but rather that they either want me to go to uni and attend there the first year as a girl. Or to finnish it and then transition so I don't have to come out at uni since that would be too difficult.
Take that year off and explore.
You'll need to get your own wardrobe, which means you will need a job. If you live at home, your pay can go entirely toward finding what you like to wear, how to apply makeup, how to move, etc. If your parents demand a significant portion of your take-home pay, you might as well find your own apartment - tell them that is the choice they've left you. What you really can't afford is to keep denying your need to explore, be independent, and find yourself. If your parents don't completely accept this and who you are, you need to leave.
Just don't go on the street, in any sense. Better to be uncomfortable at home (you have your own room? with a door? and there's a hardware store nearby where you can get an inside lock?) than to be abused and totally at the mercy of others on the street.
Use this site and others to find others your own age and in your area. There are probably several at your current school, and if you think about it, you know who they are. A peer group is an incredibly good thing!
Just be careful of ->-bleeped-<-s and others who would take advantage of your youth and inexperience. Stay with groups of like-minded people, but be aware of their personal agendas.
Some people say studies are more importante... for me the most important is to transition as soon as possible. In your place i would do both things in the same time. If you want to wait a year, , but try to wait not much more, because studies are very important.
Quote from: Paulette on February 07, 2015, 02:31:09 PM
Take that year off and explore.
You'll need to get your own wardrobe, which means you will need a job. If you live at home, your pay can go entirely toward finding what you like to wear, how to apply makeup, how to move, etc. If your parents demand a significant portion of your take-home pay, you might as well find your own apartment - tell them that is the choice they've left you. What you really can't afford is to keep denying your need to explore, be independent, and find yourself. If your parents don't completely accept this and who you are, you need to leave.
Just don't go on the street, in any sense. Better to be uncomfortable at home (you have your own room? with a door? and there's a hardware store nearby where you can get an inside lock?) than to be abused and totally at the mercy of others on the street.
Use this site and others to find others your own age and in your area. There are probably several at your current school, and if you think about it, you know who they are. A peer group is an incredibly good thing!
Just be careful of ->-bleeped-<-s and others who would take advantage of your youth and inexperience. Stay with groups of like-minded people, but be aware of their personal agendas.
The year that I won't go to school I probs won't have any work either, the whole point of me not going is for me to basically go into hiding to then come out a year after all is done. My biggest concerns about that is. What will I do at that time? I already have fights with my parents and then I would never be able to escape home.
Luna you really can transition and do well at College or University. I have several friends who are doing just that and they are outstanding students with very high GPAs. I am also a college trustee and work with several transgender groups while serving on a national diversity committee. I don't intend to minimize the challenges. My friends have needed to work with professors to reduce misgendering episodes and we have worked together to change policies and facilities. We actually have gender studies and a 'Lives in Transition' program. That is precisely why we are there; to encourage life long learning, student success and faculty enrichment as well.
There is rarely a perfect time to transition and we will always have a full life that may have much less to do with being transgender. As you point out, there will still be issues to work out with your parents no matter when you decide to go. I hope you will not be dissuaded from your very worthy goals for both education and personal transition.
Your parents seem more understanding than most. I came out to mine freshman year of college and my father said he wouldn't allow it until I was out of college on my own.
There seems to be room for compromise here. Let's say you did take a year off and you were still able to go to college next year as a girl. You could still take classes online and get some college credit. You could do some traveling with your parents in girl mode, but keep the trips short like no more than a week. That way you won't feel as isolated. Build up your network of support outside your family. You could a lot of this time to write, explore, take up a hobby that could turn into a profession.
I have no doubt you can transition and study at the same time, but the alternative isn't so bad.
Of course, I have no idea how much your parents are supporting you, financially. They seem to be supportive emotionally. I don't know if you'd be going away to college or living at home. If you're at home, I feel that would be the optimum situation for transitioning at school.
Good luck and hugs. You have good opportunities here. You are young and have much life ahead of you. Right now a year seems like a long time, but it's an important year and you can do this. You're not alone.
I think college is the best time to come out. Many universities have LBGT center and college student are more accepting of the LBGT community.
I agree with Layal - see if you can do both at the same time. Colleges are very open-minded and will be a good time and place to transition.
I tried to do this, was working part time (~20hrs a week), nursing classes, transitioning too, and, I just couldn't do it. Halfway thru that semester I was totally burned out, always had something going on, somewhere to be, always tired, just done basically. After talking with a few advisers at school, people who know about my situation, was advised to drop for the semester, get things taken care of, get my stuff together and back on track again. Being that I had basically given up, I did that. I planned on going back next fall, start over again with a bit of a head start and with much less going on for me.
I really like the idea of starting with online classes at first if going to a campus class could make you uncomfortable. College is hard enough as it is, anything you can do to make it a bit easier and more convenient for you I'd say do.
If you decide not to go to college, I do think you should look for a job, even if it is just a part time, crummy job, make a little bit of money, because transitioning is expensive.. Go in whatever mode you want to go in, whichever mode makes you happier and most comfortable with.
Have you checked with the uni to see what their "Diversity" policy is towards trans people? From what I hear, many are quite open and accommodating towards trans students as well as the student body at large.
Another way to think about this is:
A) Go to uni, and NOT do anything about transitioning for whatever number of years.
B) Follow your parents desires and have a life as a woman on a perpetual holiday.
C) Go to uni, and work on discovering and being who you'd like to be while working on your studies.
With 'A' you'll be in denial mode. If you're lucky you'll be able to totally throw yourself into school work and totally bury the trans stuff. I bet you've been trying that already w/school. Maybe you'll do great. Maybe you'll crack
With 'B' you get to sort of live like a woman. Test the waters so to speak while off on a 'Girl' holiday. At the end of that time, then what? Graduation to "Real World" time? See what it is really like to live like a woman? Go to uni like a woman?
Now 'C'... Learn what it is like to be you, to be a real woman in the real world doing real things. Sure, a little extra stress being trans on campus. But how would that compare to being in trans denial? Or the stress of knowing the "Girl Holiday" will end and now being told to make a decision based on.... what real experience? Certainly no more then you'll know after a few days of just trying to be you, no matter where you are and what you are doing.
The down side of 'C'... Things may not go smoothly? Not the sheltered and protected world away traveling under the wings of your parents to be followed by what? Perhaps you start having doubts about a full transition? Just not being... suffocated by your parents, allowed to do things on your own, may suffice.
I personally couldn't handle going to college and transitioning. Depending on what you're studying and your course load, it can be rather difficult. I ended up dropping out because it was becoming too much. My situation was a a lot different though. I was already in college when I started transition. I tried putting off hrt cause originally my plan was to graduate and start working asap then start hrt but I couldn't bear the dysphoria (was suicidal) so I ended up starting ahead of schedule.
If I were you I'd take about a year for transition cause the first year of hrt is a lot to take in and since you're also coming out too (the social transition) its a heavy load on the mind and that first year has a lot of ups and downs. Since you have supportive parents like mine I'd go ahead with transition. The earlier you start the better off you'll be in the long run, especially with the social aspect.
Like a few others have said in this thread, you can go to college and work on your transition, its not impossible plenty of people have done it. I just couldn't do it, it wasn't for me. I took my health as a priority above all else.
It seems like taking a year off might be the best choice... not sure yet.
This way I don't take any unnecessary chances. While I am staying home I could help out with the chores maybe, study a bit to keep up with stuff like math. And do some other stuff. Maybe look for a job to help out with the bills... The thing that just seems to scare me the most is that everyone around me goes studying while I stay home and well ya...
I guess it would depend on the person.
The one advantage is having both studies and transitioning as that colleges have a lot of lgbt resources, counseling, and if you qualify, work study.
Thank you ask btw for answering!
In my opinion do both, you will find it hard to get back into learning with a break from it, especially if you have to get work... Also you can fine tune your transition in flight.
Biggest advice don't, if you are confirmed to transition, put it off, as it gets harder as the years and life gets "harder"
Take it for what it's worth, from someone who kept putting it off until it's become all consuming!
L Katy :-*
It really depends on what the university is like.
I'm not worried at all about transitioning while at university. My university is tied in the top position for the best LGBT* employment policies in the education sector of my country, and it is in the top ten for all corporations as well. I know my supervisor will be okay with me transitioning, I'm an active member in my university's queer department and I'm surrounded by my friends who will also be okay with it.
Even then, there are going to be ->-bleeped-<- students around me which will make it hard, but I'm very well supported.
You might not feel the same, your university could have ->-bleeped-<- policy for LGBT* students. You might not have student unions to look out for your rights and you might have a hostile student community around you. Before making your decision you should find out about all this stuff, because that's what will make the difference. Find out if there's a queer department of the student guild (if there is one) and ask questions. Email the university and ask about their policies. Try to find anything written about the university from other transgender students.
The transition itself will only be bad if people don't support you (though you will need to be active in finding support networks!) It will always be hard, but maybe university will help with that. Classes can be distracting, and it gives you an opportunity to demonstrate your abilities on not measure yourself simply on how your transition is going. On a bad day you might think "well my life is a bit of a mess in one area, but I did well in a test" and conversely "well I didn't do well on my essay but this dress is totally working for me!"
There are also lots of options. You can take fewer classes, maybe do university on part time! That will give you time to do what you need to do to transition and it will also allow you to study. (Personally I didn't do a full load of classes because I just didn't feel up to it!)
Overall I say that university is a safer bet than doing full time work, which can be very stressful and can be quite hard on you. But that's just my experience.
Luna, whether you transition at university or take a year off, please don't "go into hiding". Get out there and start experiencing your life. Build your wardrobe. My confidence level just improved and improved when I was part time and then finally I spent a week in another city, purely as me, with friends. At the end of that week all my doubts were gone. I knew that was right for me, set my plans for legal name and gender change, informed my workplace, then did it. I've been full time since September 29th and loving it (except for 4 days every 6-7 weeks when I grow my facial hair out for removal :P).
Luna, you can't have everything. Nobody has a magic wand.
If your parents will support you while you're in school, stay at home and LEARN. Join Tri-Ess and get outside en femme. Find the similar groups in your area and make friends. Find supportive people and then interact with them - in person - out of the house - en femme.
Yes, it's scary, but it's sexy, too.
You'll enjoy the heck out of it even though at first it will feel like your heart will burst.
You're young enough to learn how, so LEARN. You can't do that at home.