I just cannot stop thinking about it. I want one so badly. I feel like I will finally get to be happy once I feel like I am in the right body.
I have been trying to tell myself that it's not as important or significant to me as it really is, but I only feel like I'm denying it. I had a bilateral orchiectomy done in September of 2013. I made a very successful transition. People see a beautiful woman in me, but there's still that depression.
I have been on a spiritual path for about
the past 5 yrs. I had an awakening when I was about 19. I started living as female when I was about 18 and right out of high school.
I have done so much after the spiritual awakening. I've been denying the necessity of the gender reassignment surgery the whole time.
I feel like I've more than achieved the ability to go out into society as female, but I feel like my transition has hit a doldrum.
Can anyone here understand? Also, anyone who has already been post op, the input would be greatly appreciated.
Quote from: CosmicJoke on February 08, 2015, 09:55:54 PM
Can anyone here understand? Also, anyone who has already been post op, the input would be greatly appreciated.
I totally understand. Never really hated what I was born with, but just dying to have a VJ and clitoris.
Now I have them. Not in any way disappointed...
I'm on HRT and not much else, but your feelings seem pretty normal to me, given the community you're posting in.
My feeling about such things have changed in some ways since starting HRT. Its hard to describe exactly but I feel it was strong before but somehow superficial compared to now where there's perhaps less obsession but its much deeper.
I'm not quite sure I see the point of your post though. It sounds like you've already gone so far that SRS seems like the next obvious step. Is there some reason its not? I can see how that would be difficult to deal with.
Quote from: AnonyMs on February 09, 2015, 10:36:53 AM
I'm on HRT and not much else, but your feelings seem pretty normal to me, given the community you're posting in.
My feeling about such things have changed in some ways since starting HRT. Its hard to describe exactly but I feel it was strong before but somehow superficial compared to now where there's perhaps less obsession but its much deeper.
I'm not quite sure I see the point of your post though. It sounds like you've already gone so far that SRS seems like the next obvious step. Is there some reason its not? I can see how that would be difficult to deal with.
The reason why not would probably be fears, but that's mainly it. I fear my mom lashing out on me for asking, then there's a ton of prep work to be done that she would probably again lash out on me for.
My relationship with my mother has always been extremely difficult, but I managed to stay so strong through everything.
I feel like there's just alot I haven't yet even had the time to process.
I can't even begin to describe the number of times I've looked down at the "equipment" I currently have and gone, "...ew. No. That's gotta go. Ew."
Quote from: StrykerXIII on February 09, 2015, 03:26:16 PM
I can't even begin to describe the number of times I've looked down at the "equipment" I currently have and gone, "...ew. No. That's gotta go. Ew."
It's not so much that I am repulsed by it, but I feel like it's what I don't have that makes me just feel this emptiness and void.
I have a boyfriend that actually is attracted to the body that is that of a transsexual female. Meaning, still having the penis, but a very feminine body.
Though, I know I will never really even get to enjoy sex if I don't have a vagina.
It's not even just that, but I don't even feel like I'm fully present most of the time.
Quote from: CosmicJoke on February 09, 2015, 03:41:42 PM
Meaning, still having the penis, but a very feminine body.
My fiancee's attracted to this idea too. She's voiced a concern that our sex life may suffer if I get bottom surgery...which, of course, has made me hesitant about HRT, since it decreases functionality. But she's definitely stated that she wants me to have boobs, so I'm confused. I'm not -against- that kind of body, since the main thing that repulses me about my penis is the fact that my overactive libido has ruined multiple relationships and caused a lot of fighting between she and I. But I just dunno at this point.
Quote from: StrykerXIII on February 09, 2015, 03:45:12 PM
My fiancee's attracted to this idea too. She's voiced a concern that our sex life may suffer if I get bottom surgery...which, of course, has made me hesitant about HRT, since it decreases functionality. But she's definitely stated that she wants me to have boobs, so I'm confused. I'm not -against- that kind of body, since the main thing that repulses me about my penis is the fact that my overactive libido has ruined multiple relationships and caused a lot of fighting between she and I. But I just dunno at this point.
Relationships for me have always been very difficult, and that's just with family and peers. If you're not ok with you, then somebody else won't be either.
This is something I've had to come to terms with.
I certainly want a vag, but I'm not obsessed by the need and I don't believe it will make me happy. I do hope the replumbing will make me "whole" (no pun intended) but it won't be a magic bullet for any other issues in my life, transition related or not. My personal philosophy is that being realistic about expectations is the best way to avoid disappointment. And I really don't want to be disappointed.
Quote from: CosmicJoke on February 09, 2015, 05:04:07 PM
Relationships for me have always been very difficult, and that's just with family and peers. If you're not ok with you, then somebody else won't be either.
This is something I've had to come to terms with.
I was having pretty bad problem with depression caused by trying not to transition, for family reasons among others. A gender therapist pointed out to me that this could be worse for those around me than whatever might result from transitioning. I had been pretty difficult to live with, and I could see it was only going to get way worse. I started moving ahead, although very slowly, and I feel pretty great these days. That's been good for my family.
You might want to think where you'll be in 10 years if you don't work all this out. You might reach a point where people don't want to be around you just because you're so unhappy. It would be a big loss for all involved, but if you work it out now then at the very least you can be happy. Hopefully others too. I think in this situation you need to take care of yourself first before you can do anything for others.
It's probably very personal, but I don't really seem to have any fears about having SRS. I feel that an orchiectomy is the big commitment, and the rest is nothing much. I'm not sure that's 'normal' though.
I think about it quite a bit, and eats away at my sanity sometimes. I don't really like looking at myself in the mirror unless I have tucked (never really have, even though I didn't know why). It's not always a disgusted feeling though (but it is quite a bit) and I haven't done anything like stand in front of the mirror with a knife to my genitalia. A lot of times it feels like I should have female parts and they missing. I'm not sure if anyone else is like that
I understand your need
I was the same when I was still post-op... I wish I could wake up in the morning and there would a be vagina between my legs...
then one day... I had srs.. and that dream came true.. I woke up from the op with a vagina between my legs.. ok it was a few days before I could see it.
StrykerXIII, have you considered taking a low dosage of hrt's to give you some of the effects you want and not enough to kill all your male functionality? I have heard of girls doing that since they still want some function down there.
I really wish I could get GCS. I need to go full time first. Then I need to win the lottery....
Quote from: CosmicJoke on February 08, 2015, 09:55:54 PM
I just cannot stop thinking about it. I want one so badly. I feel like I will finally get to be happy once I feel like I am in the right body.
I have been trying to tell myself that it's not as important or significant to me as it really is, but I only feel like I'm denying it. I had a bilateral orchiectomy done in September of 2013. I made a very successful transition. People see a beautiful woman in me, but there's still that depression.
I have been on a spiritual path for about
the past 5 yrs. I had an awakening when I was about 19. I started living as female when I was about 18 and right out of high school.
I have done so much after the spiritual awakening. I've been denying the necessity of the gender reassignment surgery the whole time.
I feel like I've more than achieved the ability to go out into society as female, but I feel like my transition has hit a doldrum.
Can anyone here understand? Also, anyone who has already been post op, the input would be greatly appreciated.
What you describe is exactly how I felt pre-op. I know how exactly you feel. Despite having a pretty successful transition and people telling me oh your pretty, etc. there was still that emptiness in me. I didn't feel complete and had that depression deep down. I just had SRS and so far, I do not regret it. It definetly help.
interesting post... unlike cosmicjoke, i do not lust after a vag (although that would be lovely if the planets aligned) but i do after breasts. and what mm is suggesting is definitely doable. i am on low dose hrt as i also do not want to lose functionality but i do want to be a 'softer' female.
i wear a bra as much as i can, not because i have to yet but because i enjoy the support and feel both physically and emotionally. i already have natural A/B cups and i must say seeing cleavage, even if still small, is heavenly...
stryker, if your wife wants you to have boobs, go for it! start low and see where it goes.
Quote from: CosmicJoke on February 08, 2015, 09:55:54 PM
I just cannot stop thinking about it. I want one so badly. I feel like I will finally get to be happy once I feel like I am in the right body.
I have been trying to tell myself that it's not as important or significant to me as it really is, but I only feel like I'm denying it. I had a bilateral orchiectomy done in September of 2013. I made a very successful transition. People see a beautiful woman in me, but there's still that depression.
I have been on a spiritual path for about
the past 5 yrs. I had an awakening when I was about 19. I started living as female when I was about 18 and right out of high school.
I have done so much after the spiritual awakening. I've been denying the necessity of the gender reassignment surgery the whole time.
I feel like I've more than achieved the ability to go out into society as female, but I feel like my transition has hit a doldrum.
Can anyone here understand? Also, anyone who has already been post op, the input would be greatly appreciated.
I have said it many times in the past on this forum, and I am about to say it again :) Whatever anyone else's view of SRS surgery is fine, but for me, it cured my gender dysphoria. It's as simple as that. I knew I should have been born a girl. I did a gender transition and had all of the usual laundry list of surgeries and I am happier than a pig in slop now. As soon as that one particular surgery was over and my every day life started to recover from surgical aftercare I found that I had changed, psychically. I feel like I had focus on my life and wanted to fill every second with wonder and happiness :). It was really quite profound how it changed me. It wasn't right away because, as I'm sure any other post-op will tell you, there is a lot of work to be done immediately after the surgery for one's own health and the health of the new lady bits. Thankfully it starts to die down after a while and life begins to go back to normal. It was when life was going to back to normal is when I noticed that I had changed, but for the better. All I can say for me, is that it worked. I came out a happier, better adjusted, more social, more fun person than how I started.
I have always had issue with my male genitalia, so much so that it impacted my marriage in terms of intimacy very greatly.
I too feel that what's down there "had to go" and am planning to do exactly that later this year.
It's a shame we can't just switch equipment, I certainly don't want my vagina.
I find it very interesting to read the various replies to this topic and descriptions of our wide range of dysphorias about our birth defect, I am still so amazed at how much variety we are burdened with and how we get past these events and things daily.
for me every part of my body that does not align with my brain causes an anxiety atack now that leaves me quivering in a corner or covered in hives. I am on a waiting list for my SRS but that could be as much as a year out scheduled right now for 2-2015.
every day since beginning my real life things get better but so many of those triggers are still so present. i wish god speed for those whom may need to move to that level of physical adjustment to find peace until and after that day. we have so many blessings and so many curses it just seems crazy some days. but with no doubt every step and every sunrise I know I am a better person and at last moving forward with my life.
xo Jerri
FYI: I'm IS.
For me, it marks the last and only thing left in my transition.
I never really "hated" what I had, much as it just bugged me. Like when I would wake up every morning until I was about 19-20. Or when I would go bike riding.
I just want to move on with my life and not just survive, but to live.
Hmmm, was not sure where this was heading at first, but.... >:-)
I have always disliked the dangly thing down there, but as time has moved on and HRT its become a much less of a focal point of Dysphoria for me, especially as its shrunk to almost an overgrown spot??? During childhood and into teens and sometimes beyond I tried to figure out ways of losing it, like end up in hospital with the wonderful choice lose it or.... I recall even getting my mothers kitchen scissors out of the draw... so glad I did not do that....
At my age now, I am not convinced by going down the SRS/GRS path I would feel any different... although it would be nice to finalise my womanhood....
But I do understand the focus of attention and driver to go to SRS/GRS, I used to have it once...
L Katy
Quote from: Zumbagirl on February 10, 2015, 02:49:33 PM
I have said it many times in the past on this forum, and I am about to say it again :) Whatever anyone else's view of SRS surgery is fine, but for me, it cured my gender dysphoria. It's as simple as that. I knew I should have been born a girl. I did a gender transition and had all of the usual laundry list of surgeries and I am happier than a pig in slop now. As soon as that one particular surgery was over and my every day life started to recover from surgical aftercare I found that I had changed, psychically. I feel like I had focus on my life and wanted to fill every second with wonder and happiness :). It was really quite profound how it changed me. It wasn't right away because, as I'm sure any other post-op will tell you, there is a lot of work to be done immediately after the surgery for one's own health and the health of the new lady bits. Thankfully it starts to die down after a while and life begins to go back to normal. It was when life was going to back to normal is when I noticed that I had changed, but for the better. All I can say for me, is that it worked. I came out a happier, better adjusted, more social, more fun person than how I started.
Yes, I feel like the same will happen for me. I have these emotional ups and downs, though the hormones could be to blame for that as well. I feel like everything will start making sense for me someday. When I envision my life as a post op female. I feel like I finally have that inner contentment that I am lacking. I see that I will even be more flowing and feminine, and I will finally feel grounded.
In my real day to day life, I feel drained, emotionally. I feel so tired out though I just try to be as strong as I can be. It's not an easy climb, that's for sure. I know one day I will be rewarded greatly. I've already come as far as I have, but I just try and enjoy what it is I'm doing now, because I haven't even arrived at the best days of my life yet.
Quote from: DragonBeer on February 10, 2015, 03:40:57 PM
It's a shame we can't just switch equipment, I certainly don't want my vagina.
I agree. Knowing what most FTM say about their bottom surgery results, that's the only thing that would make sense.
Quote from: Jerri on February 10, 2015, 03:41:25 PM
I find it very interesting to read the various replies to this topic and descriptions of our wide range of dysphorias about our birth defect, I am still so amazed at how much variety we are burdened with and how we get past these events and things daily.
for me every part of my body that does not align with my brain causes an anxiety atack now that leaves me quivering in a corner or covered in hives. I am on a waiting list for my SRS but that could be as much as a year out scheduled right now for 2-2015.
every day since beginning my real life things get better but so many of those triggers are still so present. i wish god speed for those whom may need to move to that level of physical adjustment to find peace until and after that day. we have so many blessings and so many curses it just seems crazy some days. but with no doubt every step and every sunrise I know I am a better person and at last moving forward with my life.
xo Jerri
I suspect the differences are at least in part to the wide range of neurological differences they are finding within transgender persons. At the extremes, a transwoman has man brain structures that are female in shape, size, and density. Likewise, a transman has many brain structures that are essentially male in shape, size, and density.
But there are variations and some trans people end up with brain structures that sit more between male and female than aligning one way or the other. The degree of neurobiological differences may also explain why some dysphorias are so strong in some individuals while in others they are manageable without full social transition.
Repeatedly in scientific literature I see both gender and sex described more as a spectrum than 2 binary points. If this is the reality, and if there are ranges of how we feel internally, then it only makes sense that different people have different needs and degrees of dysphoria.
Quote from: DragonBeer on February 10, 2015, 03:40:57 PM
It's a shame we can't just switch equipment, I certainly don't want my vagina.
I would be willing to trade my equipment if that was possible.
Quote from: DragonBeer on February 10, 2015, 03:40:57 PM
It's a shame we can't just switch equipment, I certainly don't want my vagina.
The transgender buddy system! :)
Quote from: DragonBeer on February 10, 2015, 03:40:57 PM
It's a shame we can't just switch equipment, I certainly don't want my vagina.
Unfortunately, some of us can't trade. I wouldn't even give mine to the person I hate in all the world.
Just saying.
Hi Cosmicjoke,
I really know how you feel. I had a brief, vigorous relationship with my male genitalia during my early teenage years ;) but since then I'd say i have a non-relationship with them, never really felt like it was mine. I tried to have a sexual relationship on six occasions, they all went the same, Girl meets Boy, Boy and Girl kiss and then one day Boy and Girl go to bed. I always knew then that the relationship would be over in minutes. The foreplay was always wonderful but intercourse, forget it. It was as if my body just didn't know how, a complete lack of male instinct.
From My earliest memories all of my dreams have been from a feminine point of view, as I got older my erotic dreams were always me, as a woman, with either another girl or a man. From age 19 until I was 26 (I laughingly call these my "Broody" years) my brain told me I should be having a child, in a very female sense. My most vivid dreams are of me giving birth to a beautiful Girl.
My point is that if you feel with all your heart that you should have a vagina, that being without a vagina is going to make your life an unhappy one then you must do some thing about it. You've taken the first step by coming here, talk to people, be they people on here, gender therapists, psychiatrists, anyone who you think will help you find your way. One thing I will say, is that in the end, deciding to transition will be the single most selfish decision you will ever make, it must be about YOU and what YOU need to be happy. Good luck Flower.
Love & Hugs to the lot of you :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch:
Quote from: DragonBeer on February 10, 2015, 03:40:57 PM
It's a shame we can't just switch equipment, I certainly don't want my vagina.
Perhaps in the year 2055. But I don't have the money to be cyrogenically frozen nor have I invented time travel. :-\
Maybe not Shaun Sunshine,
I had a long talk with a friend of mine some time back. She does the five point tissue typing used to give the right donor organs to matching patient. She said that if we all put our tissue type analysis onto a register, include information like skin colour, age, original gender, etc. then we could swap our genitals. The only problem would be nerve endings but the glans/clitoris could be left behind and moved. It would require a simultaneous operation but we do those all the time when we live donor kidneys. Who knows what the future holds.
Luv & Hugs going out to the lot of you. :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch:
huh. thats pretty cool. science rules!
id quite like a black ladies vagina.
also this reminded me of this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnM3w8dCrz8
Quote from: Heather Exley on February 19, 2015, 02:56:40 PM
Hi Cosmicjoke,
I really know how you feel. I had a brief, vigorous relationship with my male genitalia during my early teenage years ;) but since then I'd say i have a non-relationship with them, never really felt like it was mine. I tried to have a sexual relationship on six occasions, they all went the same, Girl meets Boy, Boy and Girl kiss and then one day Boy and Girl go to bed. I always knew then that the relationship would be over in minutes. The foreplay was always wonderful but intercourse, forget it. It was as if my body just didn't know how, a complete lack of male instinct.
From My earliest memories all of my dreams have been from a feminine point of view, as I got older my erotic dreams were always me, as a woman, with either another girl or a man. From age 19 until I was 26 (I laughingly call these my "Broody" years) my brain told me I should be having a child, in a very female sense. My most vivid dreams are of me giving birth to a beautiful Girl.
My point is that if you feel with all your heart that you should have a vagina, that being without a vagina is going to make your life an unhappy one then you must do some thing about it. You've taken the first step by coming here, talk to people, be they people on here, gender therapists, psychiatrists, anyone who you think will help you find your way. One thing I will say, is that in the end, deciding to transition will be the single most selfish decision you will ever make, it must be about YOU and what YOU need to be happy. Good luck Flower.
Love & Hugs to the lot of you :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch:
I'm going to get somewhat graphic, but when I masturbate, I often have to imagine myself as a man otherwise it makes no sense to me.
On fewer occasions I have tried to imagine myself as a woman and then the man of my dreams treating me like a lady and giving me delicate and romantic sex.
On those occasions, I felt like I was right in my element. It has this euphoric feeling. It's something I have been chasing after for a very long time, and then I still have to wait...
At this point I am just feeling drained. I lived for only 22 years as of yet, but I'm so tired. People around me just don't seem to understand my need for this which is frustrating.
Then, it has also always affected my ability to trust. There's constantly been this skeleton in my closet that I know I don't want to let anyone into. They just would not understand. People have nor been understanding in the past, which is a heartache.
What's more, I feel like my own family has betrayed me one time ti many. To be honest, I'm not sure it's even fixable, though that's another story.
I just have had so many dissapointments in my life as a result of living this life. I feel as though a rebirth is in order.
Hi Cosmic Joke,
When I was younger masturbation as a guy was just a 15 to 20 second affair, I honestly couldn't understand why people were so interested in sex. As I tried to have relationships I began to understand that the intimacy was a beautiful thing but not the intercourse. I didn't have a proper orgasm until I was 43, the story of how that came about is a little weird.
Until a few months ago I was in my first relationship. We considered it a lesbian relationship, Gabrielle is trans-female, 7 years post-op. The problem was that I got nothing out of the relationship except the intimacy, I really didn't like having my genitals being touched. We tried something special.
I would meditate for maybe 10 minutes then concentrate on picturing myself as a woman in my minds eye. Gabrielle would then start to make love to me, the difference was that she would, with a low steady voice, describe, when possible, what she was doing to me. When she came to my male parts, she would describe touching my female parts in my mind. The touching would be closer to how someone would arouse a woman. She would pull back my foreskin and rub my glans as if it was a clitoris. Over the next 10-15 minutes I would climb onto a plateau of arousal like a woman and then peak to orgasm 4 or 5 times in the next 10 minutes. Quite different to the 15-20 seconds of disappointment I was used to. Ooo I'm getting quite worked up writing this stuff down. ;)
This only worked 3 times and I have always thought it was some kind of hypnotic suggestion, but I think you'd have to be trans for it to happen.
I don't think my brain is wired to accept stimulation as a man.
My journey to where I am now has not been a nice one, physical abuse, sexual abuse, drug addiction, self-harm, suicide attempts and severe mental illness. If this thing is causing you pain then please deal with it, go talk to professionals, you ain't nuts Flower, try and sort it out in a good way, not badly like I did.
You take care Babe, keep kicking , you'll get there.
Luv & Hugs going out to one and all. :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch:
ps. we call every one where I'm from "Flower"
My first reconciliation of dislike for my genitals must have been when I was around 4 or 5 years old. However the first MTF SRS didn't even happen until I was around 11 or 12 years old. I guess that I always felt like I should have been a girl. Circumstances never allowed me to have that opportunity.
Full SRS and social transition would still be nice but it is impossible. A vagina is probably unnecessary as I would probably not be using it for sex.
However, it would be nice if I could get rid of all of that disgusting male junk, have a proper urethra relocation with labia like skin flaps, have nice feminine breasts, the elimination of all facial and body hair, and other distinguishing female traits.