Hey,
First off, I have to say that this is a very sensitive and difficult topic for me to discuss, but I'll have to be as candid and clear as is possible. I'm a Finnish 19-year old pre-op male-to-female transsexual. I've been on hormone replacement therapy for almost eight months, have had sufficient amount of times electrolysis and I'm due to have the size of my Adam's apple reduced in a couple of weeks. Having lived almost full-time as a female for a good six or seven months now, I nearly always pass as female and my relatives and closest friends who have seen my transition from afar always compliment on my looks and the way I present and carry myself in public. Everything seems to have worked out so smooth and well, right? No, I'd beg to differ. Lately, I have begun to have mixed feelings about my transitioning, and at other times I feel completely empty inside - even out of touch with humanity and society. Out of the blue, I've started to feel as if I'm totally lost with my identity and with who I am and who I'm going to become later in life. I find that it's nigh-impossible for me to imagine a stable future of any kind as a female; and that is precisely the same type of problem that I had when I was still living as a male full-time and trying to come into terms with this trans-thing. It now gives me the vibes that the whole process is meaningless; that it's not something that I need. In addition, practical things in my life haven't got any better, but instead taken a turn for the worse. And now, after almost a year of transitioning and living out as female, the pinpoint of all this emotional baggage hit me; it's that I've become unsure about if I really do want to transition, after all. I stopped taking hormones a week ago, and I've cancelled numerous doctors' etc. appointments.
So, in short; all of a sudden, the mere prospect of transitioning feels overwhelmingly terrifying, and along with that, I'm having seriously dismissive and unsure thoughts about whether or not I really want to fully transition or not. Perhaps it has something to do with my age, and that my identity hasn't fully formed yet even though I've always been strong and consistent in the conviction since early childhood that I am a girl and not a boy. Now, I don't know what I should say when and if people ask me that question; are you a girl or a boy? Are you a man or a woman? These questions that I've continued to pose to myself now boggle and confuse me, because I've never had such insecurity and anxiety with my identity ever before. When I started my transition and began to live full time as female in the summer of 2014, I saw as if I could tackle any challenge in front of me had a profound feeling of excellence and being whole. Now, all of a sudden, I'm ten times more down and dare I say even depressed than I was as male. Something "in the back of my head" is beginning to tell me that maybe going forward with transitioning wasn't such a good choice after all, and that it might end up wrecking my life and myself somewhere in the future. Everything seems so pointless in the long run, now. It's as if it really makes no difference now if I live either as male or female. People have recently told me that I feel more and more distant, cold and disconnected from everyone and everything else. I have no idea what is going on here.
Tips? Help? Anything?
I've been where you are now and the best thing I can tell you is do nothing and take some time away and try to remember why you started down this road . good luck
I can't tell you whether you should transition or not. But I can say that at your age, I was very, very lost and afraid for my future, since I could not imagine what I wanted to do for a career. I'd wonder if there some of that going on for you. That is not limited to trans people, I think it's almost universal to struggle with identity when first becoming an adult.
Quote from: cameal on February 09, 2015, 03:59:02 AM
I've been where you are now and the best thing I can tell you is do nothing and take some time away and try to remember why you started down this road . good luck
That could be it, at least partially. The past year has been a complete maelstrom of changes and new experiences for me - both good and bad - that I haven't really taken the time to just step back in see everything in retrospect; why and how did it all start? How did I end up where I am now? Sure, the context and prime motivator for me to get into the process of transitioning from male to female is clear-cut enough. Maybe it has more to do with the newfound confusion as to how radically different people behave towards me and anticipate form me now that I present and live as female. All of those changes aren't pleasant in my view, to say the very least. I genuinely feel and observe that because people take me in as female and act according to that, they underestimate me and my talents a lot more than when I was living as "a healthy young man." And of course, in my country and in many others, with being a transgendered person comes a certain type of unpleasant stigma that has been attested to me on more than one occasion. People, I think,
actually feel sorry for me when they learn that I am trans. I don't want that.
But yeah. I started my transition because I thought at the time that there was no other choice; I was either going to go for it full speed ahead, or I was going to continue pursuing a life that I saw as miserable and meaningless. Not because of any specific circumstances at the time. Just because of the fact that I was what I was. But now that I look back and remember that, I feel as if I was conning and fabricating myself, and blowing my perceived dysphoria way of proportion. I didn't give myself room and time to think what I was going into fully through at all, and now I believe I'm reaping the consequences of that shortsightedness and hysterical rushing of things in the way that I feel now. Anxious as hell, completely dim and bleak-viewing about my future; everything.
Basically, the question I'm asking deep down is; what in the hell happened? Everything happened so fast.
QuoteI can't tell you whether you should transition or not. But I can say that at your age, I was very, very lost and afraid for my future, since I could not imagine what I wanted to do for a career. I'd wonder if there some of that going on for you. That is not limited to trans people, I think it's almost universal to struggle with identity when first becoming an adult.
I suppose there's a lot of truth to what you say. And yes, I'll admit that there's a great deal of uncertainty for me right now in relation to what I'd like to do for a living. I graduated from vocational college as a professional cook last fall, and I can only say that the choice of career hasn't worked out for me at all. It's a hectic and exhausting working environment, and when you add into all that the transition period, I really feel at times like it's going to kill me if I don't do something else. At least one perk is that I'm a lot calmer at work than when I was living as male, and when the dysphoria manifested itself in aggression and mistrust of other people.
Perhaps not meaningless, Ilmari, perhaps, like me, there is a different underlying reason for your need to express yourself as woman than gender.
There are a whole host of biologic conditions and phsychological disorders that can cause gender dysphoria, from hormonal imbalances to Body Dysmorphic Disorder. My DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder) remained hidden for 48 years, the battle between me and my female alter for control of the body was misdiagnosed as gender dysphoria and flew under the radar of a full psychological profile and THREE years of therapy with a GT and a cognitive psychologist. before I was re-diagnosed with DID and referred for trauma recovery therapy. See Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.0.html)
Quote from: Ilmari on February 09, 2015, 03:51:43 AM
So, in short; all of a sudden, the mere prospect of transitioning feels overwhelmingly terrifying, and along with that, I'm having seriously dismissive and unsure thoughts about whether or not I really want to fully transition or not. Perhaps it has something to do with my age, and that my identity hasn't fully formed yet even though I've always been strong and consistent in the conviction since early childhood that I am a girl and not a boy.
I would say this normal. I know for myself when I accepted myself as transgender there was a host of questions. There was times when I was dismissive of myself. I think the worst thing you can do is dismiss what you are feeling or feel that it is wrong to feel that way. Allow yourself to feel those feelings and if you can express them. That will allow you to understand better why you feel that way.
Quote from: Ilmari on February 09, 2015, 03:51:43 AM
Now, I don't know what I should say when and if people ask me that question; are you a girl or a boy? Are you a man or a woman? These questions that I've continued to pose to myself now boggle and confuse me, because I've never had such insecurity and anxiety with my identity ever before. When I started my transition and began to live full time as female in the summer of 2014, I saw as if I could tackle any challenge in front of me had a profound feeling of excellence and being whole. Now, all of a sudden, I'm ten times more down and dare I say even depressed than I was as male.
Well the question of labels is hard. Are you a boy or girl? Don't worry about the definitions they will wear you down. Even more so now that your transitioning and see it raises more questions. You think you are a woman then you are woman. Nothing else matters.
Quote from: Ilmari on February 09, 2015, 03:51:43 AM
Something "in the back of my head" is beginning to tell me that maybe going forward with transitioning wasn't such a good choice after all, and that it might end up wrecking my life and myself somewhere in the future. Everything seems so pointless in the long run, now. It's as if it really makes no difference now if I live either as male or female. People have recently told me that I feel more and more distant, cold and disconnected from everyone and everything else. I have no idea what is going on here.
Tips? Help? Anything?
Well I would say its natural. Before you transition it was a concept. What you where going to go through and the final result was an abstraction. But now its real and part of you naturally is feeling that may not be right. It is natural to have doubts when it is actually happening. When its "real" so to speak. Allow yourself to feel those doubts instead of punishing yourself because you have them.
Maybe your more distant, cold and disconnected because your trying to deny what you feel. That you feel these feelings are wrong because you where strong before. In denying what we feel we deny a part of ourselves that we feel is not good enough. Which is never good for overall mental health.
Tell yourself its natural to have them. That maybe once transition is over, you appear and live as female then you will no longer have those doubts because now you can see the result. Accepting what you feel and working with it allows yourself to be the whole you and will make you happier.
Important theme...fear. Diagnosis of boarderline or DID can be seen as reasons why a transition should be reconsidered. How we react to fear defines loads of outcomes. Pushing forward when afraid means you can not see and guarantee a specific outcome. Falling backward from fear provides clearer outcomes in the short term. I am at the beginning myself and 59. I have been taught the schematic of gender and sexual orientation are hard wired. So ....what we need vs what we want seems a way of differentiating. Need means a life must have it or game over. Want means you desire, or wish for but will be ok without it.
Success is not falling down...but standing up again and again one more time than you fall. Good luck.
Skip SRS until your life as a passable woman has fully settled and you've grown accustomed to yourself and your situation.
Reverting back to male won't help because you're too fem anyway and will create some of the same probs you're having now.
SRS will make your probs worse for coming years or even decades.
To me, it sounds like a lot of fearful concerns best worked out with a therapist. Fear is a very strong emotion and until you can understand what is causing the fear, your decision making ability may be compromised.
Having been in a similar boat to you many years ago I can understand your concerns. After two years on HRT and being (so it would seem) quite passable and with the support of friends, I pulled the plug on the whole process for twenty years. Although I felt like a failure for most of that detransition time the truth was that I just didn't have the right kind of support at the time and it was safer to detransition than plow on regardless...as LordKAT suggests, talking all the issues through with a therapist will be useful.
The bottom line is, do you want to live as man or as a woman? Or are you just unsure? If you could press a button that would instantly forever turn you into a woman, would you without hesitation? While transition will not turn us into genetic women it can still deliver a lot. Transition will not clear up all our life's problems, usually hopefully just the dysphoria, but other than that life goes on, the ennui continues, new problems, same old problems, being a woman is no picnic either.
But yes, if you are struggling with your gender identity at the moment you need to talk it out with someone.
Fortunately, I have the chance of seeing a therapist on a regular basis and have done that for about two years now. It helps tremendously to have somebody to talk to about these things on a bit more deeper level.
Fear of the future has always seemed to be the bane of my existence, ever since I could remember. In many ways, I've learned to cope with it but there are periods of time every now and then when it resurfaces and begins to dominate my ordinary thought processes in terms of other daily routines such as work, hobbies and so on. During leisure time this isn't that big of an issue, but once it begins to seriously affect performance and well-being at the workplace or when hanging out with friends, it's a problem.
QuoteI would say this normal. I know for myself when I accepted myself as transgender there was a host of questions. There was times when I was dismissive of myself. I think the worst thing you can do is dismiss what you are feeling or feel that it is wrong to feel that way. Allow yourself to feel those feelings and if you can express them. That will allow you to understand better why you feel that way.
I've been trying to do that, and it has helped. Thanks. I realize giving time and room to oneself is important.
QuoteThe bottom line is, do you want to live as man or as a woman? Or are you just unsure? If you could press a button that would instantly forever turn you into a woman, would you without hesitation?
In my initial post, I addressed the sex / gender dichotomy question. I can't say at all that the source of the current surge in hesitation is a result of being unsure with what and who I am. Back when I was still living full-time as male, essentially I felt as if I had no identity and that I was more like a ghost ship / Flying Dutchman just passing by through this life without much notice on the part of others. All of those crucial things (identity, self-esteem etc.) slowly began to develop and take shape when I started to live full-time as who I am. I've thought that perhaps the reason for hesitating and "fumbling in the dark" is because there are a lot of things now associated with living as a woman that I never really prepared for or knew to expect beforehand. Like you said, being a woman is no picnic. I've been aware of that for God knows how long. In fact, I would argue that a lot of us transwomen have it twice as tough. Another factor could be that even though I perceive to have gained the wholehearted acceptance of my parents and relatives, they now don't seem to actually care about the transition in the long run; there's always that fleeting feeling of emotional barrenness, apathy towards everything and everyone, and lack of information / understanding when even trying to speak with them about this on the simplest of levels. It could be undiagnosed depression on their part, in which case I can't blame them.
As for the purported pre-transition assumption that it will solve all of life's problems away and / or alleviates them, I was never naive enough to believe that. Life for the most part has gone as it always has for me, and I'm glad about that.
I still have very Nilistic thoughts that nothing matters. In a sense, yes, we are all going to die no matter what any of us do. Famous, poor, male, female. It's more important to do what you love. Take a little break- if you can- from the intense, emotional stuff.
Are there hobbies you enjoy? Do you have friends who can avoid the subject and just have fun with you for awhile? We tell the world that it shouldn't matter if we are male/female/other/none of the above. Thing is, we also can stand to think about that thought awhile. Being a happy, fulfilled person is more than having a M/F on your identity cards, or a flat chest or a wonderful bossom. It's about having good relationships, living life the best we can and trying to do our best and not waste time on the stuff we don't have to do or don't care about if possible.
At your age I was often feeling the same way- trans or cis, whatever gender you are, being a teenager and young adult is hard! Try to think about other things, read, explore, practice an instrument or learn to sew or draw or work on cars, really anything that holds your interest that won;t break the bank, ha ha! Also, even though you are feeling ambivalent or in pain, it can help to remind yourself: I have good things in my life. Be thankful for those things.
I have friends who were abused as kids, while they still have scars, mental and physical, they do their best to be thankful. Their childhoods made them really tough and strong people, or taught them a lot about life that others have to find out a lot later. I still wish those things didn't happen to them but none of us can change that it did happen. We live in a pretty interesting time with the internet. Trans people and other minorities often had NO support and sometimes no way to know what the heck was going on with their own feeling and frustrations. It's kind of amazing to be able to be able to talk with someone from another country in itself, nearly instantly.
But these are just things I do, everyone has to find their own way but if I've helped at all I am happy to talk more. Sometimes everyone gets these kinds of feelings, you are totally not alone! If you want proof, there's documents, stuff as old as even the Bible where it is obvious the author feels like nothing matters. The band Kansas has a song "Dust in the Wind" that expresses it perfectly, if a little cheesy. There's nothing wrong with a little melancholy as long as it doesn't totally bog you down!
There's some radical Fem. Theory out there that asserts gender ID is more complicated than choosing "one or the other" --
Not real nutz about being male, and not nutz all the same about thinking I need to negotiate the "Diagnostic narrative formulated by the medical community" (which is altogether hegemonic) that somehow has determined that there are correct and incorrect answers to the diagnostic interview, and that if we can just parrot the right answers we get access to all sorts of radical and invasive medical interventions.
We can tweak the hormones to death (MtoF), go under the knife repeatedly, electrolysis, voice coaching . . . and then it's "play the game of passing" and see if we can't live as the other gender. In the long run, M to F is still going to require prostate screening, hormone support, and significant effort at presentation and deportment.
When / if you make it through this medical morass, you're still not going to have periods, not able to get pregnant, probably gonna get 'looks' most of your life. Never mind needing to come up with a narrative about who you were before you transitioned into who you have decided to become now.
There are many of us who are "non-gender normative" -- We don't fit the cultural norm / expectations. We should not be required to somehow undergo/endure a major major medical procedures in order to be who we are. "Not A, and not B" -- There is a continuum of options beyond A or B.
Quote from: Allison Wunderland on April 11, 2015, 02:37:03 PM
There's some radical Fem. Theory out there that asserts gender ID is more complicated than choosing "one or the other" --
Not real nutz about being male, and not nutz all the same about thinking I need to negotiate the "Diagnostic narrative formulated by the medical community" (which is altogether hegemonic) that somehow has determined that there are correct and incorrect answers to the diagnostic interview, and that if we can just parrot the right answers we get access to all sorts of radical and invasive medical interventions.
We can tweak the hormones to death (MtoF), go under the knife repeatedly, electrolysis, voice coaching . . . and then it's "play the game of passing" and see if we can't live as the other gender. In the long run, M to F is still going to require prostate screening, hormone support, and significant effort at presentation and deportment.
When / if you make it through this medical morass, you're still not going to have periods, not able to get pregnant, probably gonna get 'looks' most of your life. Never mind needing to come up with a narrative about who you were before you transitioned into who you have decided to become now.
There are many of us who are "non-gender normative" -- We don't fit the cultural norm / expectations. We should not be required to somehow undergo/endure a major major medical procedures in order to be who we are. "Not A, and not B" -- There is a continuum of options beyond A or B.
This is very much true! If you can't find good enough reasons in yourself for any course of action, be it transition, detransition or aspects of HRT, surgery or anything legal, you really don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to. If a particular path feels better or more comfortable for you, just be aware there are pros/cons of every choice, including not making a choice...
I have to run, but will come back later--
I think there is nothing wrong with doubting the whole process. There is no absolute right or wrong.
(or if there were, you wouldn't be in such doubt about both options).
It's like with all long term decisions- some good and some bad aspects. Like having a child, like marrying, like changing the country permanently, etc.
Someone told me- when in doubt take baby steps. So you don't have to make big decision. You can just slow down and get a feeling for what you would like to do *now*, not in some distant, fictional future.
How would you like to live today? It's really ok not to know more than that, even it it means to want neither or being a rabbit.
Another thing to consider: Hormonal changes can cause depression. In the film She's a boy I knew, the trans filmmaker shows how she was having something like a one year long PMS after she started estrogen.
If you take testosterone blockers, that could dampen your energy, as well.
I'm not saying this must be the cause, I'm just saying, maybe lead some kind of hormone diary to check if there is a correlation.
And yes, living as a woman on this misogyny-infested planet often sucks big time. And I'm not saying that because I'm ftm ;D
Don't let other people put pressure on you either way. People love certainty and hate uncertainty. Sometimes one needs to put one's foot down and tell them to back off.
So basically, just chill ;-) and if you want, take some off-time from being trans. That can mean one day a week, or two weeks in a row, or half a year, or two years- whatever you feel like. You have no obligation whatsoever to deal with this now. Focus on stuff that makes you smile a bit instead.
I made you a Free Trans Holiday Card after Kate Bornstein's Get out of Hell free Card ;D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvvQO061.jpg&hash=18567f323087ea37a9a74d7fc4aac900917e59c8)
QuoteSomeone told me- when in doubt take baby steps. So you don't have to make big decision. You can just slow down and get a feeling for what you would like to do *now*, not in some distant, fictional future.
How would you like to live today? It's really ok not to know more than that, even it it means to want neither or being a rabbit.
Yeh I try to do that but it can be very hard for me to "slow down" or to take things more loosely(?) because I've also been diagnosed with ADHD so I almost constantly have to be doing something but I also have difficulty settling down in one place, one community, one person etc. and my mind and thoughts drift into all kinds of places when I'm supposed to focus on something singular.
QuoteAnother thing to consider: Hormonal changes can cause depression. In the film She's a boy I knew, the trans filmmaker shows how she was having something like a one year long PMS after she started estrogen.
If you take testosterone blockers, that could dampen your energy, as well.
I'm not saying this must be the cause, I'm just saying, maybe lead some kind of hormone diary to check if there is a correlation.
Yeah, I use 50mg Androcur on a daily basis as a testosterone blocker and it's known to cause depression. I'm going through a rollercoaster both on a psychological and mental level. Now couple that with ADHD and anhedonia, life seems too difficult for me sometimes. For around two weeks now, I've been crying almost every day for trivial things, and my mind is racing with thoughts all the time. I always get serious migraines in the morning and they might continue all day.
QuoteDon't let other people put pressure on you either way. People love certainty and hate uncertainty. Sometimes one needs to put one's foot down and tell them to back off.
I've always been easily overwhelmed by little things. Even something as small as a quick stare on the part of someone else often makes me feel very anxious and uncomfortable, and I start sweating. I almost fainted today at the local police office (passport renewal etc.)
Quote(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvvQO061.jpg&hash=18567f323087ea37a9a74d7fc4aac900917e59c8)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi60.tinypic.com%2F29bofmw.jpg&hash=626e25c4aea274f36789e27e9261ab5915df9904) Thanks! :)
It's no wonder that you feel that way. Sounds like a lot of pressure. It's really ok to avoid or duck from pressure.
I have a faint memory that strong migraines when on hormones need to get checked out. Maybe see your doc about that.
I actually just went through that same situation as you just a month ago. It felt like nothing I did mattered and there was no point in transitioning as it wouldn't give the perfect outcome. No matter how hard i tried everything I did would amount to nothing. There was no point in continuing anything.
It was a very dark time for me and I was scared of and for myself. I was able to get to a counselor to talk about these things as well as take time off work for myself and eventually was able to win over those feelings of loss and despair.
It probably hurts so much for you right now but like other said, take time for yourself.
And this is never what people want to hear while its happening but it is true. Everything will get better, it will just take a bit of time.
feel free to message me if you would like
I could link to Androcur, but text is better:
30% depression, mood swings (lability).
Other uses of CPA include the treatment of benign prostatic hyperplasia, priapism, hypersexuality, paraphilias, hot flashes, and hyperandrogenism in women. In addition, with the exception of the United States – where it is not available and spironolactone, a diuretic with antiandrogen properties, is generally employed instead – CPA is widely used as a component of hormone replacement therapy for trans women.[7]
Side effects
The most serious potential side effect of CPA is hepatotoxicity, and patients should be monitored for changes in liver enzymes, especially if taking a high dose (e.g., above 50–100 mg/day, and even more especially at the range of 200–300 mg/day).[8] Toxicity is dose-dependent, and the low doses used in birth control pills (2 mg) do not appear to represent a significant risk.[9]
Suppression of adrenal function and reduced response to adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH) have been reported.[citation needed] Low cortisol levels may impair carbohydrate metabolism, and patients with diabetes mellitus taking insulin may require adjustments in their dosage.[citation needed] Low aldosterone levels may lead to hyponatremia (sodium loss) and hyperkalemia (excess potassium).[citation needed] Patients taking CPA should have their cortisol levels and electrolytes monitored, and if hyperkalemia develops, should reduce the consumption of foods with high potassium content or discontinue the medication.[citation needed]
Used alone, CPA does not appear to have a significant effect on blood clotting factors, but in combination with ethinyl estradiol, as in combined oral contraceptive pills, presents an increased risk of deep vein thrombosis.[10] Women who take contraceptive pills containing CPA have a six- to seven-fold increased risk of developing thromboembolism compared to women not taking a contraceptive pill, and twice the risk of women who take a contraceptive pill containing levonorgestrel.[11]
CPA is also associated with the formation of stretch marks, due potentially to glucocorticoid activity[contradiction] and/or causing dry skin.[12]
Similarly to other antiandrogens and antigonadotropins, CPA has been associated with the incidence of depression, which can reportedly occur in up to 30% of patients.[13] However, paradoxically, antidepressant effects have also been reported.[14] This may be due to the antiglucocorticoid properties of CPA, as similar antidepressant effects have been observed with other antiglucocorticoids, such as metyrapone and mifepristone.[15][16]
Due to suppression of the production of estrogens, long-term use of CPA without concomitant estrogen therapy may result in the development of osteoporosis.[17]
Side effects in males resulting directly from the antiandrogen properties of CPA include physical demasculinization, physical feminization (including gynecomastia (breast enlargement)), breast pain/tenderness, galactorrhea (milk outflow), sexual dysfunction (including loss of libido and erectile dysfunction), impaired spermatogenesis, and reversible infertility.[4]
Withdrawal effects
Abrupt withdrawal of CPA can be harmful, and the package insert from Schering AG recommends that the daily dose be reduced by no more than 50 mg at intervals of several weeks.[citation needed] The primary concern is the manner in which CPA affects the adrenal glands. Due to its glucocorticoid activity,[contradiction] high levels of CPA may reduce ACTH, resulting in adrenal insufficiency if discontinued abruptly.[citation needed] In addition, although CPA reduces androgen production in the gonads, it can increase the production of adrenal androgens, in some cases resulting in an overall rise in testosterone levels.[18] Thus, the sudden withdrawal of CPA could result in undesirable androgenic effects. This is a particular concern because androgens, especially DHT, suppress adrenal function, further reducing corticosteroid production.[19] In theory, 5α-reductase inhibitors such as finasteride and dutasteride could, to some extent, mitigate this effect by preventing the conversion of testosterone into its more potent relative DHT.[citation needed]
A paradoxical effect occurs with certain prostate cancer cells which have genetic mutations in their androgen receptors. These altered androgen receptors can be activated, rather than inhibited, by CPA. In such cases, withdrawal of CPA may result in a reduction in cancer growth, rather than the reverse.[20][/q]
I agree with the other posts that suggest that uncertainty during transition is fairly common, but your situation is not something we amateurs can fully diagnose or clarify for you. Transitioning and your mental well being are serious issues, and no two of us are really the same, in spite of our own relatively similar experiences. I have come to recognize that I may have unrealistic expectations regarding the benefits of transitioning, and that they can significantly affect my emotional state during the process. Therapists are not infallible either, and therefore I would be inclined to speak with more than one professional.
It's entirely normal.
Gender dysphoria is about being unsettled toward your gender. Let me boldly suggest that you may find yourself dysphoric in the other gender too. I do that, minute to minute.
There's not a lot of resolution in "not cis- M, not cis-F." I present cis-M, ultimately, bottom line, stand to pee now & then. No attempt to "pass" as cis-F, or even "trans-F" for that matter.
We donned the full-spectrum attire last night, blouse, skirt, jewelry. Feels great, and very much integrated w/ my gender ID. I don't pass, not in the light of day. It's a costume, but so is a coat/tie for me.
Let's note here that I'm 67, not sexually active, not w/ other people. Sexual orientation is toward cis-F -- as a female gender orientation myself.
And there are days when I just plain want not to need to decide, and elements in my wardrobe that cross gender pretty seamlessly. There are things that I don't view as gender markers: shaved body hair, shoulder length head hair, 6 earrings in lobes which is pretty "female," unisex mix/match. There's a middle ground. No surgery, no hormones. "Transition" becomes subtle changes in outward presentation.
The obvious consideration I'm not required to make regards sexual partners. Gender is not so complicated when it doesn't include relationships. That's my boat, not yours.
Have you figured out your "history"" -- who you were, who you are becomming? You're still "you" same as always, but when you switch presentation, people will notice. And so, are you integrating identities? Or are you letting go of one fragmented ID in order to adopt another fragmented pole in the hetero-normative dyad?
Very complicated choices, many affecting physical health, endocrine balance, reproduction, social integration, possibly career options.
It's normal to have ambivalant feelings.
Quote from: Allison Wunderland on September 12, 2015, 02:08:57 PM
It's entirely normal.
Gender dysphoria is about being unsettled toward your gender. Let me boldly suggest that you may find yourself dysphoric in the other gender too. I do that, minute to minute.
There's not a lot of resolution in "not cis- M, not cis-F." I present cis-M, ultimately, bottom line, stand to pee now & then. No attempt to "pass" as cis-F, or even "trans-F" for that matter.
We donned the full-spectrum attire last night, blouse, skirt, jewelry. Feels great, and very much integrated w/ my gender ID. I don't pass, not in the light of day. It's a costume, but so is a coat/tie for me.
Let's note here that I'm 67, not sexually active, not w/ other people. Sexual orientation is toward cis-F -- as a female gender orientation myself.
And there are days when I just plain want not to need to decide, and elements in my wardrobe that cross gender pretty seamlessly. There are things that I don't view as gender markers: shaved body hair, shoulder length head hair, 6 earrings in lobes which is pretty "female," unisex mix/match. There's a middle ground. No surgery, no hormones. "Transition" becomes subtle changes in outward presentation.
The obvious consideration I'm not required to make regards sexual partners. Gender is not so complicated when it doesn't include relationships. That's my boat, not yours.
Have you figured out your "history"" -- who you were, who you are becomming? You're still "you" same as always, but when you switch presentation, people will notice. And so, are you integrating identities? Or are you letting go of one fragmented ID in order to adopt another fragmented pole in the hetero-normative dyad?
Very complicated choices, many affecting physical health, endocrine balance, reproduction, social integration, possibly career options.
It's normal to have ambivalant feelings.
I've been on HRT for three years, now I'm lonely and broken. On the bright side, I kicked a transphobic shop attendant the other day. He was a prick and I embarrassed the crap out of him. So good to finally fight back.