im giving up. i dont want to look like a man in a dress. i remember why i fell apart and the idea i could change became a compulsion.i have a true body dysphoria but it doesnt stretch far enough to put up looking like a bad drag queen. it will drive me back to how i was before. i should have just carried on before as i was until it killed me. ive realized there is no answer,to carry on in the hope it will improve is crazy.
Have you been on HRT at all? How long? While it's obviously your choice (and one I myself took many years ago too) sometimes you just need to give the HRT time to have a proper effect (sometimes up to two years) and to work on other elements and change expectations, etc. All the best whatever you decide.
its complicated. ive been on antiandrogen alone for nearly a year. i am bipolar and along with body dysphoria i went down hill. i was not on any treatment for the bi polar then. anyway long story short i was slowly killing myself with my actions and went hyper sexual. in between madness i battled to get on antiandrogens to stop the hypersexuality and to see if the gender feelings were real or part of a fantasy. the sex drive went but the gender feelings remained. when i saw mental health i explained the situation and they let me stay on them. they told me that as i had hidden my feelings all my life the sex was a release for the feelings. the problem was the feelings were worse as it hammered home i had a wrong body. complicated story but the antiandrogens have been great i dont want to come off them. i have just asked to go onto a 3 monthly injection version. mental health have had me see a psychologist and my consultant used to work in a gender clinic.they have said yes i have a gender dysphoria. they have referred me to a gender clinic. its so confusing for me,in the last 5 years ive had a hard time and i dont want to end up in a situation that will make me worse.ive been put on mood stabalisers and they are starting to work but i still get panic times.
id be fine if all the mirrors in the world dissapeared, looking out i have no problem its looking back that throws me. im not one of those that knew from being 5 and playing with sisters dolls, openly admitting i have a problem is only a year old. the other part of hrt well i could be starting it in the next couple of weeks, the reasons i cant say but its fully under my doctors.
I understand, it can be really, really tough dealing with other stuff on top of dysphoria...and, wow, getting my sex drive down to zero was high on my priority list too. My only word of caution to you is to keep checking your bone density and calcium intake - being on anti androgens means you are now not getting any adult sex hormones and while you may feel good with no testosterone in your system, without it (or estrogen) you could be at risk of weak bones and osteoporosis (which is why the condition is so common in post menopausal women and old guys).
im between a rock and a hard place. if i stop the antiandrogen and i end up as before then im in trouble. if i stay on it i can have estrogen ect. every thing is done via the docs its not a normal situation by far. my sensible side says stick with it and stop running ahead of myself. my negative side just sees the problems. i know the testosterone caused me huge problems.i ended up on suicide watch. the bipolar hid it for so long but it finally came out. i dont know if ive slipped into the mentality of i must do everything now. change immediately. its wierd,when i saw my gp a few days ago over the antiandrogen injection i must have sounded doubtful as he said stick with it youve done so well over the past year. when i got back to my car i looked in the mirror and thought have i?
i think im going to think about it for a while. maybe making a knee jerk decision isnt the best thing.
hi bibi
can i ask if you are full time and if so did you spend time on hrt before going full time. i think ive got it into my head that when i start hrt i should be presenting as female.
Quote from: Ms Grace on February 11, 2015, 04:27:15 PM
Have you been on HRT at all? How long? While it's obviously your choice (and one I myself took many years ago too) sometimes you just need to give the HRT time to have a proper effect (sometimes up to two years) and to work on other elements and change expectations, etc. All the best whatever you decide.
Yep, I agree.
When I got my first prescription for HRT back in Dec 2008, I was under no illusions as to what to expect, I had been told being in mid 40s that the effect is less than if I was in my 20s. I've heard some gain weight, some lose weight. I heard some people effected by mood swings, some not. Some got more hips, others not.
For me, going on HRT wasn't all that significant.
What was the most important thing that built up my confidence was seeing a makeup specialist. The way I had been doing things was all wrong. That one session gave me oodles of confidence that regardless of my body, I could venture out in the real world.
And, the more confident I got, the more happier I became.
Quote from: jody2015 on February 12, 2015, 04:33:09 AM
i think im going to think about it for a while. maybe making a knee jerk decision isnt the best thing.
That seems like a
very good idea. There are many reasons a person can have gender dysphoria or need to express themself as their gender not assigned at birth. Your psychological issues sound complicated; a transgender gender solution is not going to solve the underlying cause of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) or other psychological conditions. I was diagnosed as classic age onset transsexual at my first therapy session. As right as it seemed to me at the time, I knew my reluctance wasn't hesitation and my gender therapist's insistence I transition would be terribly wrong for me. Three years of therapy later the truth came out; I have Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD) as a result of childhood psychological abuse and rape and have been in trauma recovery therapy ever since. It terrifies me to think back on how close I was to destroying my marriage and the life I spent 48 years building. Read more at
Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.0.html''
Quote from: jody2015 on February 12, 2015, 04:39:39 AMi think ive got it into my head that when i start hrt i should be presenting as female.
HRT was not developed as a protocol for transitioning; it is simply "hormone replacement therapy," medically prescribed hormones to compensate for a body deficiency. Many post menopausal women are on HRT for this reason. Estrogen is a common treatment for prostate cancer and spiro for high blood pressure. I had an uncle when I was a kid who was on them both. Giving the brain the chemicals it needs for healthy function is what quells gender dyspshoria. Whatever changes that happen to the body are only side effects.
I have been on a full transition level HRT regimen for over 5 years. It took 6 years of therapy for my doctors to understand the psychological relief I get from estrogen had nothing to do with giving my brain the right hormones. The peace came from chemical castration and meeting my need as a trauma victim to end the cycle of abuse once and for all.
i think some of my feelings are still suppressed and my mind has raced miles ahead. i did say to the pdoc if i cant get the moods stabilized then transitioning would not work in so much as id have a mood shift and walk away. that is in process. and seems to be working but like hrt it takes time. im hoping they will put me on the rest of the hrt and i can relax a bit.i think when that takes effect,however long that is then i can judge the next step.
I am a retired graduate level engineer, thought I had the tiger by the tail and that therapy was for the weak- until I had a breakdown and my female alter became self aware. It took just short of 4 years of therapy for me to remember my parents psychological abuse and that I was raped as a child. Psychodynamic trauma recovery therapy is helping me begin to accept my childhood for what it was with my adult mind and to understand the devastating affect it had on me and my life.
The psychological abuse is a family problem. Cousins on both sides of my family who experienced similar childhoods have been a wonderful support system. I had a very hard time substantiating that my rape actually happened, to prove to myself it was not a false memory, until my wife asked my Mother point blank and she confirmed it. I understand now just how small and frail I really am and how much my mind and five alters have protected me from so I could live a happy normal life.
I've had to stop and restart estrogen in preparation for an invasive surgery and can definitively say that estrogen is what stabilizes and elevates my mood. It was really not fun having pseudo-menopause either. I honestly don't care nearly as much about any of the other things estrogen does for me, it keeps me from giving up because of how much better it makes me feel. That's not to say I wasn't a hot mess occasionally as I became accustomed to it: as it was a hard adjusting from broken-down robot to having potent emotions again.
Virginia, I'm sorry you had to go through that. My mom's dad abused her as a kid, so I grew up knowing how hard it can be for someone you love to suffer because of the past. I unfortunately had it happen to me at 20, and can't talk to her about it because it'd destroy her. So I don't talk about it. And I know how awful it can be to doubt and be doubted. If anything, know that you aren't a child anymore, you can protect yourself now.
Also, therapy is most effective for those strong enough to admit they need help. May you find acceptance, hope and the cohesive integration of your alters.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I wish i had the make-up skills or looked as put together as the average drag queen, theyre awesome!
i do know what you mean tho, its easy to feel a bit put off when your face is manly. but hey hey, its a project, persistence is crucial. one step at a time; maybe get your eyebrows tamed, or get a girl friend to help you look pretty? its such a rush seeing hints of a woman looking back from the mirror for the first time.
there is a time in life to give in. too many problems bye bye
best thing to do is give in, have some food and a rest, read an interesting book or something, then get back on it again fresh. Even tho change is incremental over days or weeks, push on for 3 or 4 or 5 years and big things happen.
try learning makeup, its really quite tricky but makes such a difference to my confidence. same goes for chic clothes etc.. if im going to have to look like a guy in a dress for a while, i want to do it right!!!
i see my doc tomorrow so im going to talk to him. i got in a bad way yesterday it has a lot to do with a mood stabaliser im on and when they raise the dose my brain runs away with its self and the mood drops. i try to talk on forums to blow off steam. like yesterday sometimes im like a spoilt child and throw a tantrum. its a problem to do with my cychlothimia and the gender issues mixed together. running away seems like a good idea at the time. i was chatting on another site one for mental health problems explaining my troubles and how much worse it was in the past ect. at 1.20 in the morning 2 police men knocked on the door and explained someone had contacted them as i was suicidal. they had traced me through the isp of my computer. they wanted to take me to hospital until i talked to them explaining some one had misread the posts. they were happy with my condition and went away. anyway the reason for explaining was i did a lot of thinking last night and if i give up now it will do no good.maybe short term but i know it wont go away. i do feel odd on here as ive only just begun the process and its strange for me. if the hrt is available as i think it may be thats the next step and let it do its work until im happy to move up a step. i dont want to give up as a knee jerk reaction my moods have ruined so many things because of that. it is hard to interact when a lot on here are transitioned or a lot further on than me. i get embarrassed when i try to explain why im on part hrt i had a bad time but ive worked to put it behind me. bear with me im actually quite nice
Quote from: jody2015 on February 14, 2015, 10:37:09 AM
i do feel odd on here as ive only just begun the process and its strange for me.
it is hard to interact when a lot on here are transitioned or a lot further on than me.
I don't think this should be a reason at all to stop interacting here. I am far from beginning anything to do with transition, and even a bit unsure about it, but I find being here absolutely necessary to keep myself calm and sane. And I find that each one has a different story here, e.g. just look at those who have posted replies on this thread itself.
There will always be people 'ahead' of you in the process, but as long as you carry on, you will find soon enough that there will also be people 'behind' you whom you can help.
Take care
Cindy
yeah me too, so i totally understand!
im like, 45 days in, just starting too! everythings been cool so far, cooler than cool even, so lets do it together!
im am very grateful for the support. if the hrt is offered im going to take it and hold there until i feel comfortable. i think i was trying to force the change rather than wait. im not over the moon about staying in man/androgynous mode for a while but it may make things better for a while. throwing everything in the bin does work for a while,its the feeling of ive sorted it,but when that wears off not only do the feelings emerge again but theres also the chance of the feelings of what have i done. this can result in going back to transition with the wrong attitude and the cycle runs over. maybe ive learnt to stick with it slowly and if i reach a point im not happy with then wait and see,nobody is forcing me to do this.
Hi, you might want to try low dose estrogen. I've been on it more than 5 years and still present male. Very few people know. I've been on full dose for while now as well, and still no one notices. I work at hiding it, but its not that difficult.
Just because you're on HRT it doesn't mean you you have no options as to what happens next.
The mental effects though are enormous. You probably can't realize if you've not experienced it. It might help a lot. It did for me. You can always stop it if you don't like how it makes you feel.
I'd rather not do it this way, but I have my reasons and made the choice.
I'm not sure if its the same, but I had an over the top sex drive and I'm sure now it was due to stress. It sure wasn't testosterone as it was very low due to another problem I didn't know I had. I only found out about that when I got a blood test just before starting HRT.
The way you describe it, giving up, is actually how I think and talk about my recent years.
I've tried to stop HRT so many times, due to family and other things. I kept coming back to it, and and I'm not even trying to stop anymore. I can't live without it. I felt great when I started HRT, and I did manage to stay on low dose a long time, but eventuality wasn't enough and I was making myself seriously ill with stress and depression. I really did give up then. It became very clear to me that I was going to die very unpleasantly if I didn't change. I sometimes look back and wonder how I managed to push myself so far.
So here I am, full HRT, no social transitioning, but I'm pretty happy right now. Life is good. I've no idea if it will last, or how long, but I really don't care anymore. I'll just go with it and see what happens. Next time though, if there is one, I'm not going to push myself to the limit before giving up. I'll lose yet again, and it's not worth it.
i can relate to the over the top sex drive and that caused me great body dysphoria. i was trying to not confront my gender issues and that just reminded me. any way i got treated for that and i liked how i felt after. regardless i would stay on the treatment for that he down side being the health side,bone density ect. so i made the leap and asked for estrogen ect part i want to further my change and as well as the health bit i want to see how i feel. my journey this far is by no means the normal way of transition. the first part was self preservation as well as an answer to whether i had a runaway sexual fantasy.having hidden and fought the gender feeling for so long i think i wanted them all out in one go which wouldnt work,i was filling in gaps with guesswork. i identified as gay for a long time but that was i didnt feel male. like a lot on the outside i have looked very male and buried myself in work. i have a current problem i like doing some things ive always done but now i fear the arnt seen as very lady like. im falling into the perceived stereotype that i think people accept. i always said i have a vision of how i will be but i have drifted away from that in the fear that i end up isolated from all worlds.
I can really relate to some of what you say. I'm not bipolar though, and I've no idea what that's like.
The sex drive is confusing, and I couldn't really work out if it was fantasy or not. You have to wonder. I don't think I ever managed to work out anything before HRT, only that I couldn't keep on like that and had to do something else apart from think about it all the time. HRT cleared it up pretty quickly though.
After all my gender issues blew up, the best times I've had are when I gave up, and the worst are when I fought it. There's no use in fighting yourself, especially if its to conform with something that's fundamentally not you. But its hard to be different, and its ingrained over the years that we shouldn't be. Then if you're different in this community as well, it doesn't really help.
When I gave up the last time, I finally realized its a hopeless battle that I'm never going to win. Just go with it and see where it leads, and don't worry what anyone else thinks. Its leading you to yourself and that can only be good.
I don't think you had much of a choice with the bone problems. It may seem fine at the moment, but eventually it would have caught up with you and I believe it can be pretty bad. And you still would have had the gender issues. Two problems instead of one.
Please keep us updated with how the estrogen goes.
ill let you know how it goes with the doc. one of the things i asked for was a long acting antiandrogen,theres one that lasts 3 months at a time. i was lucky at the time i managed to be in a state where i could push for help with the sex problem. it was ironic that it curbed one problem and answered another but then came the problem i had to cope with that.bipolar sends you hyper.you climb to a high where you rule the world. it can cause hypersexuality and reckless sexual behaviors. then at some point you crash into a depression. i managed to act when i was in the stable bit in between the moods and due to the nature of how i was acting they treated me.it wasnt then for gender issues i didnt visit a gender doc. i pushed for it the normal docs ran a mile. there was a time after that the bipolar and realization the gender issues wernt a fantasy that i fell apart. even now the time line of what happened when is blurred. the outcome after was i stayed on the antiandrogen and once more stable had assessment ect and the gender issue was confirmed. in the months this took i still have mood swings but these are been treated with mood stabalizers. i have always said to the docs if the mood swings dont get under control then transition would be an issue. i know if you have mental health issues then people keep their distance but hiding away isnt the answer. i try to understand my bipolar and other issues but the moods can blur the truth. people tell you to get control but i can only describe it as if you are heavily drunk try to make yourself sober. one day id like to help others who suffer like this,unless you have been through it its hard to understand its affects. my offical diagnosis is called cyclothimia which is supposed to be a milder form of bipolar but with quicker rates of mood swings.the highs and lows are rated as less. the problem is you can progress from this to bipolar without realizing it. this may be a different subject than the forum is aimed at but they are inter linked. if a mood drop catches you when you are doubtful about things then like i have you cancel everything.you bin medication you lash out at people and your mood spirals down. after the episode passes, you then have to try to correct what you have done. ive said it before you can ruin months of effort in 2 days. im lucky that after some time and me being a persistent cow my docs know what im like and wait until ive cracked out of it.. ive learnt to warn people when i can. people say well if you know what your like then just dont do it.problem is it doesnt work like that. the highs and lows take over. your on a ride you cant get off. one of the serious sides is if you mood drops too low you can think of self harm. thats not a subject for on here. this by far doesnt cover all the problems of bipolar type disorders. learning to take time is one coping strategy. trouble is it doesnt always work. like annoyms said the feeling of giving up does give a good feeling but it doesn't last. i think eventually the feelings of failing and all that goes with transitioning are less that the running away.
I had cyclothymia as well. I was diagnosed in my early 20s and prescribed a mild does of an anti-psychotic. It worked relatively well for a long time, but it didn't address any of my gender issues. It made me feel like a robot to take the prescription, but I hated what I was like when I was off of it. It didn't stop my suicidal thoughts however, and after several years I finally came out to a few supportive people and got help.
After I started HRT, my emotions were all over the place, as I wasn't used to doing much with them apart from bottling them up. It took time to get used to estrogen, but I slowly stopped cycling from manic to depression. Each increment increase in my HRT took a slow adjustment period, but after that, I wasn't bipolar anymore.
Whether or not my cyclothymia was cured by HRT, I don't know. My psychiatrist doesn't really have an explanation for it either. I did have to go off hormones for several weeks because of a surgery, and it all came back. It's what finally convinced my mom and I that my brain just works better with estrogen. As after returning to my HRT, it went away again like magic. I talked to my mom about it, and she said, "I could already tell you had resumed your hormones, because of that huge smile on your face." She was kinda annoyed I resumed a few days early, but understood how miserable I was when I'm not on HRT.
While this is anecdotal at best, you may be very much like me. This forum has helped me immensely with my feeling like there was no one like me out there. And it's gotten me through the worst of my social anxiety. Whatever your decisions, you're family here at Susan's. Good luck!
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from Katie's iPad using Tapatalk
i certainly felt wrong with testosterone,like i was always play acting. since its been dropped ive felt better,bipolar apart.now i want to see what estrogen does for me. its not going to be easy for me to get employment with my medical history so i have to try anything that can improve things. im not going back to being male its just not in me.
From everything my GT had told us, my wife and I were terrified of the effects HRT might have on me. The battle between me and my female alter for control of the body was driving me to suicide. Hormones were my last hope. Month after month we waited but everything I was told would happen when I started HRT didn't; the physical side effects were minimal and I had no desire to transition. But the sense of calm that came with my medication was a gift from God. HRT brought peace to the house, the relief of knowing once and for all I could not perpetuate the crimes committed against me as a child with children of my own. ANd my alters slowly began to let down the walls of the pain they have protected me so the Self could began to heal the wounds that have festered inside me for 54 years.
It's a bit self-evident when you think about it, but hormones have the most drastic physical effect for people whose bodies exhibit strong characteristics of their gender assigned at birth. That said, the physical side effects of HRT are not what make it difficult for people to be seen as their birth gender. It is the changes hormones make to their minds that make it impossible for them to continue to perceive themselves as their birth gender.
Like AnonyMs, I have been on a full transition level estrogen HRT regimen for over 5 years. I am 5'10" 146 pounds with extremely androgynous features. My female alter didn't have any problems with people seeing her as a girl before HRT and I don't have any problems with people seeing me as a guy now. When you're skinny their just isn't alot of fat to push around; male or female, ectomorphs are all pretty much built alike. My tiny breasts look like great pecs when I go without a shirt in the summer. My fine body hair is important to my sense of male self but not so heavy that my female alter feels a need to shave my legs, chest or underarms to wear a bikini to the beach.
HRT has not had any affect on my mood or emotions. As a DID system, there are strong compartments for what each of my 5 alters feel and do and hormones cannot affect that. I am hopeful that as I continue therapy I will reach the point I can stop HRT. For now my doctor's prescribe it because at some level it gives my mind peace.