Ever since I can remember I've thought of myself as one of the boys. I grew up on a road with 10 houses, everyone my age was male. I never had Barbies or dresses and when I was given them as gifts I'd donate them to charity shops. I played Action Man and Spider-Man with my brothers. I remember starting school when I was 5 and having to wear a dress on the first day and wanting to cry because I hated it so much. I was always referred to as a tomboy as I only wore clothes that were "masculine", hung out with boys and never had any friends who were female. I remember when I was 7 I cycled around the place with my shirt off because all the boys did, my babysitter forced me to put it back on and I got annoyed at her. A rumour went around every school in the district that I wanted to be a boy but I didn't think anything of it. Whenever I played a sport and got hit in the crotch I'd scream "MY BALLS" and people would say "you don't have balls" and that always made me feel ->-bleeped-<-ty.
The moment I hit puberty was the worst thing ever. I started to hate myself because I had breasts and wasn't flat chested anymore. People started calling me a lesbian. When I moved on to secondary school I was put into a private all girls school. We were forced to wear skirts, it was the first time I'd worn one in 8 years and I hated it so much. I donated 15 inches of my hair to charity and people started to call me hurtful names. I was beaten up and locked into lockers because the girls "didn't like having lesbians near them incase they caught the gay". I switched schools and the new environment is much better.
Over the past few months I've been looking at myself differently. I've been more and more ashamed of my breasts and have wanted to bind. I hate myself so much. This has caused me to start self harming again and keep everything locked up because I'm afraid to tell someone. I'm not close to my parents at all so I don't want to tell them just yet. I'm afraid that people will say I'm in the middle of a phase since I'm 15. Binders are so expensive and you can't buy them here unless you get them online but I don't have a credit card. I have all the signs of having Gender Dysphoria. My grades are getting worse and worse in school because I can't stop thinking about myself and it makes me more and more depressed (along with the fact that I have ADHD and dislexia so my school work is extremely difficult). Please help, I don't often look for help and this is the very first time I've said this so it feels really good to finally have this off my chest. Thank you if you read this :icon_help:
Hi,
You say your new school is better. Have you tried talking to a counselor at school? It is often good to have a therapist to talk things out with. That usually means needing a parent to agree with you seeing someone. You don't have to tell them why you want to see someone, you can always say it is depression or something like that. A school counselor
may back you up in talking to your parents to see a therapist.
Any type of medical treatment is going to need a parents approval and having a therapist be in your corner can do wonders. Meanwhile, check if your school has a GSA group that you could go to. That is Gay Straight Alliance, not girl scouts.
Anyway, welcome to Susan's. I'm glad you made it here and I hope to see you around more. Here are some links to site rules and answers to often asked questions.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
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Quote from: LordKAT on February 15, 2015, 05:33:39 PM
Hi,
You say your new school is better. Have you tried talking to a counselor at school? It is often good to have a therapist to talk things out with. That usually means needing a parent to agree with you seeing someone. You don't have to tell them why you want to see someone, you can always say it is depression or something like that. A school counselor may back you up in talking to your parents to see a therapist.
Any type of medical treatment is going to need a parents approval and having a therapist be in your corner can do wonders. Meanwhile, check if your school has a GSA group that you could go to. That is Gay Straight Alliance, not girl scouts.
Anyway, welcome to Susan's. I'm glad you made it here and I hope to see you around more. Here are some links to site rules and answers to often asked questions.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
- News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
I could be replying completely wrong so I'm sorry if I amnt actually replying
Thank you LordKAT for your reply :) we do have counsellors here but they sometimes get in touch with parents about things like this so I'm afraid to go to them. The therapists also cost a lot of money which we can't afford right now also and doctors cost €50 even if you just go to them for 5 minutes. We also don't have a GSA here so that sucks. Thank you for your help tho :) and the links are very helpful for them and thank you for the warm welcome :D I hope you have a beautiful day
Yes, you have a story typical of many FTMs, so you definitely could be a trans man. Listen to LordKat and see if there's someone you can talk to at school -- whether it's a counselor or a teacher you trust. You say you don't have a GSA at school, but check to see if there's some LGBT group in your nearby community. Many places have at least some kind of group, even if its small and a bit of a drive.
Absolutely don't self-harm, you're young and will have a wonderful future if you allow the opportunity to play out. It's hard to pay attention to school when there's lots of distractions and emotional stuff going on, but try to focus on schoolwork. I found doing well in school to give me a lot of hope, because i knew that if I got into college that I could leave and start my life on my own terms. There's colleges here (in the USA) that gives you health insurance that covers trans surgeries. Not having the opportunity to go away to a college away from home may be something you'd regret later on, because you don't want to be stuck at home and dependent on your parents, especially if they turn out to not be as supportive as you hoped.
Quote from: DriftingCrow on February 15, 2015, 06:15:30 PM
Yes, you have a story typical of many FTMs, so you definitely could be a trans man. Listen to LordKat and see if there's someone you can talk to at school -- whether it's a counselor or a teacher you trust. You say you don't have a GSA at school, but check to see if there's some LGBT group in your nearby community. Many places have at least some kind of group, even if its small and a bit of a drive.
Absolutely don't self-harm, you're young and will have a wonderful future if you allow the opportunity to play out. It's hard to pay attention to school when there's lots of distractions and emotional stuff going on, but try to focus on schoolwork. I found doing well in school to give me a lot of hope, because i knew that if I got into college that I could leave and start my life on my own terms. There's colleges here (in the USA) that gives you health insurance that covers trans surgeries. Not having the opportunity to go away to a college away from home may be something you'd regret later on, because you don't want to be stuck at home and dependent on your parents, especially if they turn out to not be as supportive as you hoped.
Thank you DriftingCrow. I'm clean of self harming for just over a month now so I'm trying my best not to self harm. I'm most likely going to college here in Ireland but I don't know what the health insurance is like. I try my best to focus on schoolwork but between the emotional stuff and the ADHD it's really really difficult. I'm often given extensions which is really helpful but it's still very difficult.
I don't trust anyone in school yet as I've only been there 5 months but hopefully I will trust them soon. There's no LGBT groups around here, the nearest is over an hour away but I can't drive yet so I wouldn't be able to get there as my parents work weird times for their jobs. Thank you very very much for your help though.
Hi IrishPotato, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm in snowy Boston. It does feel good to get things out in the open. We're open 24/7 here, there will always be someone here for you. Explore your new home and I'll see you around!
Hugs, Devlyn
FYI, there is a reply button at the bottom of the thread. You can use that as well as the quote button. Sometimes you don't see it if there is more than one reply to your post. There is nothing wrong with quoting a person, just sometimes unnecessary.
If you don't mind, what country are you from? Knowing that might help someone give you better advice.
Thank you Devlyn for the warm welcome :D I hope Boston isn't too cold. Your name is a very nice name, is it from Ireland, Scotland or elsewhere? It sounds sort of Irish but I could be wrong :)
LordKAT thank you for telling me about the reply button :D I live in Ireland so there aren't many resources here
Is Ireland one of the places that have the NHS?
I think the NHS is only in Britain
I'd swear the Scots said they had it too.
Scotland is in the UK. Ireland used to be controlled by Britain until there was a huge fight between them and now Ireland is it's own country. There are only a few counties in Ireland that are part of the UK but they're their own countrie called Northern Ireland :)
Thank you for the clarification. As you can tell, I'm not from that area. I actually got quite confused as to all that.
Yes, old KATs can still learn things.
As someone who only learned of the dream time and Ned Kelly in school, I found this rather useful when I found it.
(https://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lw4syl2SA11qdcxt7o1_500.gif)
IrishPotato, welcome. The amount of support you'll be able to find here is more than enough. If you ever need someone to talk to personally, I'm always happy and usually available. I hope the pieces start falling into a nicer fashion for you soon. :)
Thanks Trip. That is very useful for us visual learners.
It's so much simpler to understand when you can see it in distinct groups. The States of America, however, I will never know.
Sadly, neither do many Americans.
I know quite a lot of the states in the US :') People often the Ireland is in the UK so it's okay :)
Quote from: IrishPotato on February 16, 2015, 03:26:53 AM
Thank you Devlyn for the warm welcome :D I hope Boston isn't too cold. Your name is a very nice name, is it from Ireland, Scotland or elsewhere? It sounds sort of Irish but I could be wrong :)
LordKAT thank you for telling me about the reply button :D I live in Ireland so there aren't many resources here
Thank you, my best friend named me Devlyn shortly after I came out to her. She said it was one of the names she considered for her daughter, who ended up being Shannon. It's a little bit above 0º F right now, but it ain't snowing, thank God!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hello there :)
so could you buy an Amazon gift card or something in a store and then use it to purchase a binder online? This should be possible without a credit card and all you have to worry about is shipping it somewhere "safe".
It's great your clean of self-harming at the moment -- a month! Way to go! Keep it up, I know this takes a lot of strength, but we're here in case it gets rough. :highfive:
Adrian
Sorry for the OT but Devlyn, I keep wanting to say this: I love Boston! I spent some time there some time around '04 when I was working on my phd thesis. Oh fond memories :)
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on February 16, 2015, 08:33:30 AM
Thank you, my best friend named me Devlyn shortly after I came out to her. She said it was one of the names she considered for her daughter, who ended up being Shannon. It's a little bit above 0º F right now, but it ain't snowing, thank God!
Hugs, Devlyn
I stay out of the city, but my town has one of the best views of Boston you can find. From fifteen miles out you don't see the grit!
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on February 16, 2015, 08:33:30 AM
Thank you, my best friend named me Devlyn shortly after I came out to her. She said it was one of the names she considered for her daughter, who ended up being Shannon. It's a little bit above 0º F right now, but it ain't snowing, thank God!
Hugs, Devlyn
Both beautiful names :) I hope it doesn't snow much more, I saw photos and it looks insane!
Quote from: adrian on February 16, 2015, 08:35:02 AM
Hello there :)
so could you buy an Amazon gift card or something in a store and then use it to purchase a binder online? This should be possible without a credit card and all you have to worry about is shipping it somewhere "safe".
It's great your clean of self-harming at the moment -- a month! Way to go! Keep it up, I know this takes a lot of strength, but we're here in case it gets rough. :highfive:
Adrian
Thank you so much Adrian :) I don't know where I would ship it as my best friend's mom is homophobic never mind transphobic :/ I hope to make enough money to buy one soon!
Thanks! There's been times where I've thought of doing it again but I just write everything on a piece of paper and burn it instead. You all seem like such great people and I'm very thankful for that :) I hope you all have beautiful days :D
Quote from: IrishPotato on February 16, 2015, 07:49:13 AM
I know quite a lot of the states in the US :') People often the Ireland is in the UK so it's okay :)
I'm going to straight up call it a talent. Do you know Australia's?
Hey, you'll find a way of shipping it -- give it some time! In the mean time, maybe sports bras can help to lessen the dysphoria a little.
Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 16, 2015, 07:31:11 PM
I'm going to straight up call it a talent. Do you know Australia's?
I could be wrong but NSW, Victoria, Queensland, South, west and Tazmania? There's probably more but that's what I remember/I'm guessing :) We've got 32 counties in Ireland and I can barely remember all them! :')
Quote from: adrian on February 17, 2015, 01:14:14 AM
Hey, you'll find a way of shipping it -- give it some time! In the mean time, maybe sports bras can help to lessen the dysphoria a little.
Thanks for the tips Adrian :) I hope I find a way to ship one, I'm gonna see how much they are on Amazon if I do exchange rates between pounds/dollars and euro :D
Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 16, 2015, 07:00:12 AM
It's so much simpler to understand when you can see it in distinct groups. The States of America, however, I will never know.
I can name all 50 states. Even on a map...though doing it on a map is a bitch. (Maryland and Delaware both piss me off, there is no reason for them to look like that.)
Quote from: reddon on February 21, 2015, 08:49:48 AM
I can name all 50 states. Even on a map...though doing it on a map is a bitch. (Maryland and Delaware both piss me off, there is no reason for them to look like that.)
I am honestly astounded. 50 is way too many, I had trouble when we added one.
Sadly, those eastern states like Maryland and Delaware are the size of counties in some of the larger states. Makes it even harder when they are so close together.
Australia has a little country inside of it, the Principality of Hutt River, and if that isn't confusing idk what is.
Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 21, 2015, 05:38:02 PM
Australia has a little country inside of it, the Principality of Hutt River, and if that isn't confusing idk what is.
Wait what ???
Quote from: Elis on February 21, 2015, 06:19:44 PM
Wait what ???
The Princapility of Hutt River, it's about 600 km north of Perth, and covers about 75 sq. km. It's about the size of Hong Kong, and it was founded in 1970 I believe. I'm fairly sure it's got a few buildlings and then like heaps of and heaps of farm land, but I'm on the other side of the country and don't know much about it. But the British Captain that was meant to like stick his flag in WA and call it a state never did, he only founded a settlement.
Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 21, 2015, 06:43:06 PM
The Princapility of Hutt River, it's about 600 km north of Perth, and covers about 75 sq. km. It's about the size of Hong Kong, and it was founded in 1970 I believe. I'm fairly sure it's got a few buildlings and then like heaps of and heaps of farm land, but I'm on the other side of the country and don't know much about it. But the British Captain that was meant to like stick his flag in WA and call it a state never did, he only founded a settlement.
Just when you're country couldn't get any weirder ;). So does that mean that anyone can go there, plant a flag and claim it as theirs,bcos that would be really cool :D
Quote from: Elis on February 21, 2015, 06:52:27 PM
Just when you're country couldn't get any weirder ;). So does that mean that anyone can go there, plant a flag and claim it as theirs,bcos that would be really cool :D
I honestly couldn't tell you. It seems that way, doesn't it. Maybe we can create a little trans country and eventually infiltrate Australia and the world.