Some twenty four years ago I decided transition wasn't going to work for me (even though all signs pointed to "yes") and after two years on HRT called it quits. I figured I'd just have to learn to come to terms with the fact id been born in a male body and "man up" (ugh, sorry).
Cue twenty two years of not really making a go of the masculinity thing, I knew I wanted more than anything to live my life as a women and be biologcally female. Since I couldn't have the latter I denied myself the former. What I didn't realise was that I was using any number of fantasy coping strategies. While I wasn't getting drunk or secretly cross dressing I was living my life vicariously through fictional female characters - either ones I'd invented myself or ones id coopted from other fictional works (movies, TVs, etc) and through sexual fantasies which I don't want to go into (TMI!!!). And I figured I was doing juuuuuust fine, thank you very much.
I saw myself as a woman pretending to be a man. But every time I was gender segregated into "one of the guys" I loathed it, utterly loathed it. What I didn't realise, because it was happening so gradually at first, was that I was slowly spiralling into isolation and depression.
Then at the beginning of 2013 a very silly thing happened at work. One of the previously unisex single stall toilets was made female only. And it must have been testament to how fragile my fantasy denial had been constructed because this silly little incident brought it all crashing down around my head and I was suddenly close to suicidal and depressed out of my skull. It was pretty evident to me almost instantly why I felt so distressed - all those years of telling myself I was really "one of the girls", especially at work where there were so many women, was all an ugly lie. I might have seen myself as secretly a woman but obviously no one else did and I fet horrible.
I quickly saw my doctor, who knew of my trans history - he got me off to see a shrink but even before that appointment, some two years ago now, I knew it was a case of "transition or bust". I couldn't continue to pretend I was a dude when I wasn't and I could see clearly how trying to do so was dragging me into misery. Having tried and "failed" transition the first time I was terrified of repeating history, that it wouldn't work that I would be a pathetic joke. Fortunately all those fears were for naught. There has been a fair bit of trial and tribulation along the way but it got me to a point where I can accept myself and live my life as myself.
So...yay! :)
yay!!!! :) :) :)
Congratulations!
BTW, I always love seeing your smile. Such a nice photo. :)
Grace, your true self is a beautiful addition to the world. Congratulations on getting her out here, and also thank you.
Congrats on your anniversary ! You really do seem like a lovely lady. I am glad in the end you had the guts to "woman up" like you were meant to the first time around!
Miss Grace it's no secret to you that I look up to you for guidance and inspiration :)
You are a one strong woman and I wish I can reach that level where my own internalized transphobia will go away and just live a happy life.
Congratulations on this milestone. Big hugs and big love to you my big sister.
April
That brought tears to my eyes thank you. You are inspirational, congradulations.
Congratulations, second time is a charm. I glad you got help when you needed it. You are a strong woman.
Ms Grace - you are a lovely woman and your story had parts to it that seemed quite familiar to me because I went the same way - gradually slipping and slipping and growing more and more isolated, trying to be the man I wasn't, drinking myself blind - and then then suddenly - over the waterfall I went!
Life's better when your presentation and social role fits what you brain says it ought to be, isn't it? :laugh:
Thanks for sharing :)
Thanks everyone! It has been a very interesting ride to say the least. :laugh:
I'm so happy for you! Here's to the rest of your life!
Happy Second Womanniversary Grace!
And: Yay! :) :)
Very compelling story, I am glad you are who you are now and fought your way through the pretence...
As already mentioned you are an inspiration... And Sydney based (yay).
Your avatar really shows your radiance, beauty and confidence...
Happy anniversary
Love Katy :-*
Congrats on the anniversary MS. Grace. It's amazing how fragile our coping mechanisms are coming into transition and when something that may seem like nothing to most changes its brings the house down like that.
Mariah
Happy anniversary Grace! It seems you have found your way and now you are showing the way to others.
Grace, Happy Anniversary!!! ;D thank you for always being so supportive and sharing your words of wisdom.