Hi,
So I recently came out to my very unsupportive parents, again, just to tell them that I was going to start transitioning and there's nothing that can be done to change that.
I don't live with them, I live a couple hundred miles away, but my mum is totally obsessed with me and my life, and still has always tried to control me from afar. If I ever met with them I would have to dress like a girl, make up and all, else my mum would go into a several day, if not weeks, long rage. I don't doubt that my parents love me, and have done their best for me in the way they know how, which makes this harder.
I'm now getting texts basically filed with abuse, telling me I've "committed them to live in hell", that I've destroyed them, and that transitioning won't make me happy.
While I have a big support network, I'm still really struggling with this situation, can anyone offer any coping tips? I'm currently just generally not replying but feeling very guilty about it.
Thank you
Charlie
I would advise you to try and NOT feel guilty about not replying. They made their decision by not being supportive. Now they have to live with it. Good luck with everything :)
One of the hardest decisions we need to make is to cut someone out of our life temporarily when their association with us is toxic.
Your mother's behavior toward you is abusive and harassment. She sounds like a troubled person herself, but at this point in your life, you certainly don't need to take on someone else's troubles.
I agree with DeanJulian's suggestion to block them from your life, at least temporarily. A final message explaining why is the most that you owe them.
Much further in the future, your hope for a good relationship with them lies in your being able to educate them to the reality of being transgender: That it's not something we choose, that it's very serious if we ignore it, that it doesn't go away on its own, and that transitioning is just about the only thing anyone's ever come up with that helps. If they truly do love you, they'll eventually be open to understanding these truths. If they refuse to acknowledge these truths, I would question whether they really are doing their best.
Hugs, SC. Having to close the door on someone, even temporarily, is a very difficult choice.
I really love Dan Savage's advice on coming out (be it sexuality or gender identity) to parents: "Don't fear their rejection—make them fear yours. ... The only leverage an adult child has over [their] parents is [their] presence. If your mom treats you like ->-bleeped-<-, absent yourself. If she's rude to you in your own home, kick her ass out. You're a grown [person], and it's time to stop being scared of mommy." (Quotes pulled from one of his columns, posted in full at http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=19671703 ... formatting for emphasis and gendered words changed by me to make them neutral and applicable for the situation, regardless of genders).
Of course this is easier said than done - the things worth fighting for often are. Let us know how it goes! Feel free to PM if you need someone to chat with!
NOTE TO ALL: If you don't know who Dan Savage is... check him out! He has a sex-advice column and podcast, and is a fierce advocate in the queer community. He and his husband started the It Gets Better project.
Thank you all for your replies.
Thankfully I live quite a long way away from my parents (about a 3 hours drive), so hopefully not much chance of coming face to face with them.
I have no idea really how to cut them out. I've stopped replying to my mum while she's sending essays of hate, but I'm finding my dad harder to distance myself from. He's said that he doesn't care about the trans thing, whilst making some very transphobic comments, including questioning the future of my genitals. He is mainly laying into me about how I've not really been part of their lives for the last 5 years, and doesn't accept dysphoria as an excuse. Mainly I've avoided them because my mum has always been verbally abusive if I haven't worn make up /female clothes etc around her.
Basically my dad has made me feel like a horrible person for stepping back from their lives, he believes I should put up with my mum's very volatile nature just because she's my mum.
It is also hard because I know that they have done everything in my life for what they think is my best interests, and it's hard to shake the guilt because of that.
Thanks again
Hopefully your parents raised you the best way they knew how, now it is time for you to take their lessons and grow into the person you were meant to be. They seem to fail to see this and that they wish to control your life past the point when they should have let go. You need to live for yourself now and not the way your parents think you should live. Revel in your support group and try to distance yourself from your parents, they seem to be more concerned about how they feel you should be then they are about you.
They have a problem, but it is not you.
If it were me I would cut communication until they could figure out they are in control of their own lives and happiness, that you are not the cause of their suffering. But that is me. I had to do that with my brother for a while...
I'm so sorry they're putting you through this nonsense. I basically told people how sh*t will be- it's my life and my rules. If you can't handle it, or are opposed to my existence in any way, then you don't get to be a part of my life and see me finally become happy, end of story.
You don't have to listen to their abusive crap and take it, no matter how much they insist that you do. The fact is that they no longer wield any power over you, but you have the power to put them on "ignore" indefinitely.
Perhaps it's time to explicitly lay out the rules for them if they wish to have you in their lives. Sometimes it takes time for people to finally "get it", so I wouldn't burn any bridges, but by all means, stand up for yourself and let them know that the crap ends now, once and for all.
If you have any relatives that are cool with everything, they can be useful for talking sense into the ones who aren't.
All the best, and hugs,
Jill
Quote from: Jill F on February 19, 2015, 05:03:01 PM
Perhaps it's time to explicitly lay out the rules for them if they wish to have you in their lives. Sometimes it takes time for people to finally "get it", so I wouldn't burn any bridges, but by all means, stand up for yourself and let them know that the crap ends now, once and for all.
If you have any relatives that are cool with everything, they can be useful for talking sense into the ones who aren't.
All the best, and hugs,
Jill
This is VERY good advice. Especially the part of finding other relatives to help (hopfully) soften up your parents, even close family friends that accept you for you may be of help.
Stand your ground!
Erin
I apologize for the super-lengthy message below. It comes from the bottom of my heart, if anyone in a similar situation as Charlie the poster and moi, dares read it in its entirety, I will appreciate it very much.
(To Charlie): Your parents sound exactly the same as mine: a bigot, volatile, verbally abusive, bully, Catholic-religion-zealot mother and a transphobic father, 100% macho-minded, who is way less stifling and asphyxiating as my nasty mother, but WHEN he opens his mouth, to express his opinion about my being transgender, he hurts me even more than mother, because he basically says that I am too tall, big, ugly and manly to ever become a woman, and he even laughs at the very idea and acts sarcastic. At least my biased mother has never laughed about it, she acts the opposite, extremely depressed and concerned, because she is less blind-sighted than dad, and she has been able to see the changes in my body and personality, and, by her facial expression and behavior, it is pretty obvious that she is totally repulsed by such changes, and she feels 100% embarrassed socially, by my very existence. And my already having two sisters, very similar in personality to my mother, doesn't help me at all, it is actually an added roadblock for me.
But I AM EVEN WORSE OFF THAN YOU, because I HAVE TO live with them. Yes I am a grown adult with a useless college degree and fully bilingual, but I have to live with them for several personal reasons that are out of the scope of this thread.
So just picture my situation: in July this year, it will be my 6th anniversary since I started transition/HRT. I had bilateral orchiectomy the 15th month since starting HRT, as well as Adam's Apple removal, because that was all I could afford while maxing out my credit card, but I actually wanted SRS. And yet, they both (my folks) still address me as a man, call me by the birth name they assigned for me, which I utterly hate, on a daily basis, several times a day. I feel like they are stabbing me right in the heart when they do that, but my mother actually seems to enjoy doing that, immensely.
Due to controlled medicine abuse, my dad suffers from dementia since a few years ago. That happened because of the extreme verbal abuse that my mother has bombarded him with for decades. So now I have to take care of him, otherwise she will abuse him even more, both psychologically and financially. Long boring story. But dad needs me, and actually "she" (mother) needs me too, to deal with him when he has some extreme dementia episodes. Also, I am not financially independent so I need them to provide with food and shelter for me. Thankfully, my BF provides for my HRT expenses, and he also helps me with wardrobe and others.
Obviously, none of them (parents) allow me to be myself "under their roof", or when I am out with them, specially my mother. So I have to "sneak out" as myself, hiding from them. I am by no means a naturally-passable transwoman, all the contrary, so trying to pass in public is such a big feat for me, and I also have to add to that issue, my having to sneak out from both my parents, change from dressing and acting "male" in front of them, to the opposite in pubic, all by myself and in hiding. Not an easy thing to accomplish, at all.
So how do I cope with all this? Physical exercise, specially aerobic dance (produces endorphines, natural feel-good drug) and other exercises mostly for my lower body, as well as stretching exercises. I also do play some cool mind-exercising games on my smart phone. Listening to music I like, on my smart phone, laptop, etc., either with speakers or headphones, is one of the things that relieves me from stress the most. Watching funny sitcoms and movies, or interesting movies about unusual people or people who struggle a lot to become themselves against all odds, is something I enjoy too, which helps keep my mind off the problems with my mother's nasty character. Since my dad's health and muscle tone were going down the drain because of the verbal abuse he's been subjected to, since many years ago, I now do a workout routine with him, day on day off if possible, to keep him fit and have a little distraction from the abuse he suffers every day from my mother. And he feels very happy and invigorated when we do it, I can see it in his face, even though I have to put up with his treating me as a male. But seeing him improve in both his physical and emotional condition, is worth it to me.
I also started taking SSRI medicine every day since a few months ago (same one my dad has been taking for more than a year now, prescribed by his shrink and even his family doctor as well), and it has helped me a lot, to be less apprehensive and put up with my mother better, as well as my social fears. I even have a big laugh when I get those nasty morning leg cramps, instead of crying!!!
And of course, having an understanding BF, who, unfortunately, my parents will never ever be aware of, even if I eventually marry him as a woman, has helped a lot. In fact it has prevented me from terminating myself. Having some supportive TS friends, I mean REAL FRIENDS, which I can count with half the fingers of one hand (very, VERY difficult to come by) has also helped keep me going.
Bottom line: if i was as privileged as you are, to be able to not having to live with my folks, I'd simply establish some boundaries and rules, in a letter/email to them, where you'd tell them you love them and miss them very much, but if they cannot accept you for who you really are, then it is impossible for you to keep on dealing with them, because your health, both mental and physical, is at stake BIG TIME. Ask them to at least try to document themselves about gender dysphoria, about transgender people, so they may open their eyes a little bit and maybe both you and they can compromise and stop hurting each other when you communicate.
I wish the very best for you, as you can see there are people even worse off than you, but there are ways to cope with it, like exercise, good understanding friends, and ultimately, depression medicine.
Cheers
Bibi B.
Quote from: SurlyCat on February 19, 2015, 03:51:05 AM
Hi,
So I recently came out to my very unsupportive parents, again, just to tell them that I was going to start transitioning and there's nothing that can be done to change that.
I don't live with them, I live a couple hundred miles away, but my mum is totally obsessed with me and my life, and still has always tried to control me from afar. If I ever met with them I would have to dress like a girl, make up and all, else my mum would go into a several day, if not weeks, long rage. I don't doubt that my parents love me, and have done their best for me in the way they know how, which makes this harder.
I'm now getting texts basically filed with abuse, telling me I've "committed them to live in hell", that I've destroyed them, and that transitioning won't make me happy.
While I have a big support network, I'm still really struggling with this situation, can anyone offer any coping tips? I'm currently just generally not replying but feeling very guilty about it.
Thank you
Charlie
Forgive me for being overtly religious, but I've just had enough... As a devoted Catholic, and a transman myself, I have to say that religion should be kicked out the door and not hidden behind by families who don't WANT to understand.
They believe that Man and Woman is all that God made for us. Well, newsflash! Intersexed genetics is a real thing, and points to a third gender "category" (intersex is a spectrum, but bear with me :) ). This third category, to use an old term, is the Eunuch, and while the term generally points to men who were castrated as children, I believe it is more than that. Since Jesus himself said there are THREE types of Eunuch, transgendered persons are natural and normal. How? They come under the third category Jesus spoke of "those who make themselves Eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom."
Basically, trans* persons are seeking that which we truly are and trying to align our exterior to our interior identity - which includes the eternal soul. So your genetics made you male or female? So what, God aligned your soul as the other and genetics missed the memo.
(Just a note to say, I am not stating opinion on sex/parenting/marriage/etc. I only speak on trans* identity in terms of body identity.)
Thank you all for your replies. I hugely appreciate it, it's helping me keep a level head and to stay strong. I'll reply to you all individually, but first, a little update.
I got a letter off my mum today that had a very old mothers day card I'd made her when I was a kid, and a home made cd that I think (?) I made for her, also probably a mothers day thing, but I've no memory of it and I've chosen not to listen to it right now. No accompanying letter or anything, quite worried she's just going to slowly post me everything I've given her in the past. She also wrote my full birth name on the envelope in capital letters and underlined. I also got another very emotionally charged text message off her this evening, which basically just included lots of guilt tripping and begging me to give her "daughter" back. I decided not to reply to it, the same as the last few days, as I don't feel it will be productive in the slightest.
TreeLB and White Rabbit - Thank you. I just keep needing to be reminded of this to try and counteract the guilt. I kmow they are acting irrationally, but it's hard to remember that I have control of my life sometimes.
Jill and Erin - thank you, you're both right, I don't need to take that crap, but right now I also kinda feel like I should at least be allowing them to rant, and am just trying to emotionally distance myself. I've spoken to one of my cousins a bit about it, and he basically said I should just do what makes me happy as it is my life. I was really pleasantly surprised by that, and I'm going to slowly try and talk to other relatives. Unfortunately I'm not particularly close to anyone in my family, but I am hopeful.
I don't think my parents will listen to them though, anyone who is supportive of anything LGBT they consider to be utterly ridiculous and wouldn't hesitate to cut them out. Having supportive family members can't hurt though.
Bibi B - thank you for your post (I did read it all!), and I'm so sorry to hear about the situation that you are in. It's good you have a supportive boyfriend to help.
I have started exercising heavily this month, which has really helped with my mental state, and has helped a tiny bit with how much I hate my physical form with increased muscle and some weight loss on my chest and hips.
Your suggestion about the letter is a good one, I'm going to give them a little time to calm down, but if the continued messages etc continues then I'll definitely do that.
LoriLorenz - That's all really interesting, thank you for sharing that! Weirdly, my parents are non religious (church of England at a push), but my mum still uses a lot of religious terms.
Thank you all again. The support here is absolutely wonderful.
Are your parents financially supporting you in any way? Other than their approval, is there anything that you need/want from them right now in your life? Obviously it would be ideal if they could be supportive of your transition, but as others have said, you might need to take a break from them for your sake. That would be my vote, as long as they aren't paying your rent or for school or something like that.
Write them a letter and explain, give them an ultimatum that they can be decent people or they can not be in contact with you until you decide you're ready for it.
You know, I had tremendous guilt due to my spouse and my eldest son treating me horribly when I came out and began to transition. It took my therapist months to really make me understand it (emotionally, not just intellectually) but their misery at my choice was their own choice.
Your parents are choosing to be miserable. They are choosing to try to make you feel guilty. They are exploiting their relationship with you for their own ends.
But you have to live your life, not them.
Cut them off. Don't accept any texts from them. Block their phone numbers for now. Make an email rule in your email system that marks their emails read and dumps them into a separate folder (or tag if you use GMail) so you don't have to ever see them unless you choose to see them. Tell them that transphobic language is not allowed at all in any way, shape, or form. Tell them that if they will not accept you as you are, then they have no place in your life. And tell them the door is wide open should they ever choose to stop being cruel, transphobic, hateful people, because parents or not, that is what they are.
Dan Savage is right - your leverage is your presence. Deny it, totally, if they refuse to respect you. If they try to make amends and want back into your life, tell them even one little slip up and you'll ignore them again and do it, for a week, month or whatever.
You have given them plenty of time to adapt and change, and they have refused. Now it's time to force the issue cold turkey. You have to live your life. Live it for yourself and get the negative people, including your parents, out of your life.
Quote from: SurlyCat on February 20, 2015, 04:52:41 PM
LoriLorenz - That's all really interesting, thank you for sharing that! Weirdly, my parents are non religious (church of England at a push), but my mum still uses a lot of religious terms.
GAH! That makes it even worse... because they have NO clue what they are talking about then!!!
Oy vey.
I hope they come round, because it sucks to have them so far against you . :(
Quote from: DeanJulian on February 19, 2015, 04:21:20 AM
I would advise you to try and NOT feel guilty about not replying. They made their decision by not being supportive. Now they have to live with it. Good luck with everything :)
People need to be Taught that some people are born with Birth Disorders, and Thats all it is, Its called AIS, Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, have your parents look it up.
Second of all, tell your parents that if they Judge others, then they will be Judged, Matthew chapter seven verse one, so stop judging me. if you dont want to be Judged by the Lord.
Third, Your Mom is trying to Control you with her Rage outburst, Tell her to knock off that Sheet, That its not going to work on you, tell her that you will not allow yourself to be intimidated or Brow beaten by no one, and quit with the Friggen Harassment, and that she needs to learn about birth disorders, and that you were born that way from the womb, and that there is not a Dang thing that she can do about it, tell her she needs to become more understanding and compassionate, rather than acting like a Horses as.
There are many things that are associated with being trans outside of AIS or any of its variants. Looking that up won't necessarily help here.
The only actions you have control over are your own, just as others have control over theirs. You can choose to let it get to you or allow them to continue to say things in your reach that hurt, or you can choose to remove yourself from their words. It can still be a hard decision, but it is your decision.