I noticed something this past week or so. I can't quite pin down an exact time but I accepted my self wholly as Jennifer. I think that sounds strange for someone who has been on this ride for three years and who went full time 9 months ago but it is true. I am a woman, for better or worse.
I knew what I was, I knew what was happening and I wanted it so much but somewhere, deep down, part of him always remained. Now, he is totally gone. But the best of me is still here.
So, when was that moment for you? No more questions, no more doubt, no more self loathing. Just a sure sense of confidence in being a woman.
Jennifer
I've yet to reach this point. I keep trying a lot of mental and emotional gymnastics to "convince" myself that I'm truly a woman.. I know that day of acceptance is coming.. just not sure when. I don't want to place all of my hopes into the HRT basket but I'm very much hoping that starting that will be the beginning of true self acceptance.
I remember it well, I came home from the hairdresser and looked at myself and suddenly realised my male alter ego had gone. Not just physically but mentally.
I was having a coffee with a male work colleague recently, who works for me and has been with me for years. He said something quite 'odd' when we were talking about some life issues, he said 'I can't remember you as a man, I know you were when I started working for you, but he has totally gone'.
I have to reach this point as Damara has said. It's been a roller coaster of a ride and I hope for the rest of us who hasn't accepted ourselves fully that we continue and strive to get to the level of full self acceptance.
Love and Respect,
April
This will sound corny, but true.
About five years ago, I had a dream where I died. First time that's ever happened. I always thought if you die in a dream, you actually die lol. Anyhow, in my dream, I'm floating over an autopsy table, and the person reads aloud my male name, and then said "deceased at xx:xx" .
I woke up, grabbed the night table to see if this was a dream.
I Googled the next day what it means to die in a dream, and the response most often was when one dies, they are leaving behind an old life, for a new one.
It was then I started to believe my old life is behind me, time to move on.
That dream still gets me today.
For me, it was 19 days ago when I had SRS which was the icing on top you could say.
I'll let you know.
I see in myself that it is more a clinging to out of desperation male core that keeps me from fully accepting myself as a woman. That this is all very real. Intellectualizing being TS from an early age is far far different then emotionally embracing that you are and there aint nothing you can do or say that is really going to change that fact. Many of my early days "WTF Am I Doing ??? " meltdowns always came on the heels of some step forward. Some step that nudged me officially towards the TS end of the spectrum. It became that much more real. Denial was loosing, but not without a fight.
I can still recall the moment sitting in my therapist's office when I said for the umpteenth time "I am a transsexual", except this time it was different. It was like a bolt of lightning hit me. YES, I AM. A great weight began lifting from me. When I look in a mirror I see Joanne, I see her glowing soul. I see joy. I still see a major problem. I started this journey when I was 52. I'm 58 now and still growing as a person, still questioning do I NEED to make that final leap. For now I know I do need to keep on presenting mainly as a male to keep all the other aspects of my world together which are all equally, if not more important, then gender.... Today. I know I am totally afraid of embracing the words "I AM a Woman". I barely allow myself to think it and I doubt I need more then one hand to count how many times I actually said it aloud to another person
The thing is, I don't think we need to accept ourselves as women, or not in the way the OP describes. It is delusional to think we are women in the same way cis-women are. But transition is still right for most of us, because we function better, socially, professionally and internally as women. Our DNA will always contradict our social identities but that in no way means we are doomed to be unhappy and living with our original bodies. But we need to accept we were born as boys that are better suited to live as girls. Only then can we make peace with ourselves and our minds. But that's just my two cents.
this might crunch some cornflakes, but here is my take.
many of us didnt start transition until we were well into our 40's. that was my case, so ill relate on that.
by 45, i had been married 3 times, had two sons, started a business, bought a home. I had enjoyed certain things, like hunting, fishing, and other masculin activities.
after all, back then, 'we' tended to go overboard on the guy stuff, to hide the feelings, and to prove to everyone else that we were the real macho guys, the best at what we did, and we did guy things.
my onset of gender dysphoria was at around 35 years old. mild at first,. going quickly to extreme.
after grs, srs. i came to realise, that the surgery wasnt about how others would see me. it was simply for me, so that body matched mind.
just as in the realm of sexuality, gender identity has many directions.
back in the american indian culture, a person was deemed a 'two spirit'. their life wasnt about choosing between one or the other, it was about embracing both of these 'spirits', the masculine and the feminine.
thats where i settled down. i embrace my physical body , i am female.
i changed my name to reflect that.
i also realized that certain things from my male years were important to me, enjoyable passions that i did not want to give up under steriotypical gender roles. i understaood my two sons had known me as 'dad' for their entire life.
so pre op, scheduled and set to go, I told them " I will always be your Dad. Nothing there will ever change". I continiued working a traditional male job, continued hunting and fishing with my boys, let them in their own time, decide when dad was no longer an appropiate name, and instead , using my new name was ok.
to current time, I ride the line between gender roles and identity. I am not defined now, nor limited by a gender identity. Ive enbraced the "two Spirit" ideal, and live in the role that fits the moment.
I beleive, that I, speaking only for myself, was blessed to have been born with two spirits, two indentities. I see the entire thing, now, looking back, as a blessing. i see those that never have the feelings or experiances that 'we' do, as livng life in a monotone way. as per the difference in old style AM radio, compared to modern surround sound. I thank God, that my counslers had the insight in those early dark ages, to express to me, that I had the power to choose my end results. that I did not have to choose between two standards, that in fact I could create my own standards.
Answering the OP question, yep, waking up the first tim,e, at 3 am in Nina Wis. looking out on a snow covered roof line, reaching down, and realizng, " Its gone" with the next thought, " dreams do come true", that was the moment for me.
years later, lessons learned, I choose that point somewhere in the middle, where mind and body are in harmony, where I am , as a person, not defined by sex or gender in daily life, where I have the spirit and ability, to cross and recross lines as life mandates, when otheres lack that luxery.
Ive have the girls nights out, I hunt along side the men and am just one of the guys, Im still dad to my sons, except that they call me Lisa. both of my sons came into my family business, and work with me daily. Ive married and been a husband in the past,, and a wife in the current. im accepted in a small rural mountain town , american community, in a ultra conservative area. Life just doesn't get any better then this.
In conclusion, I see this/my attitude reflected, even here on this site.
Notice this quote, on top of every page; " We stand at the crossroads of gender balanced on the sharp edge of a knife."
I think it was around 18 months since I started transition; I don't remember an actual watershed moment, unfortunately, but I do remember realizing one day that it'd been a while since I'd thought of myself as a "fake." (And I do think I'm a woman *as much as* cis women are - with a different history than most women, but honestly, I've seen so many feminist discussions centering on how women can have experiences SO different it's like they lived in parallel universes to each other. That, too, is perhaps an integral part of womanhood, and I'm comfortable with my different past.)
@lilredneckgirl Very inspirational reply. I am 50 and about four mos into HRT so can relate to age issues. I am/was a southern hunter as well. But I am still at a crossroads on how much of my past I continue with. So great to hear your perspective. If nothing else our lives aren't dull!
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When I stopped giving a/n (expletive) and do / wear what I please.