i am 30 yr old female. I have been with my wife for 5 years. I met her a year into her transition so i have always known her as female. Everythings been wonderful and hard on and off. One of the biggest hardships is that we have been saving up for her surgery most of these 5 years. She is about to finally get her bottom surgery in March!
She used to talk to me about a lot of stuff in the beginning but then she stopped. I tried to get her to talk to me about things she was going through and our relationship, i ended up being the one doing the talking as i analyzed her and our relationship all the time to try to figure out on my own what was going on in her head. I knew it was making me into someone i didn't want to be.. always talking and stressing but i am just these past few weeks finding out that it made her dislike me and now i really might be losing her. She takes part of the blame for not talking to me. She says she was trying to figure out stuff herself, sometimes she didn't want to hurt me and a lot of the things she just didn't want to have to talk about. Our lives have been devoid of normalcy because we really have not been able to do many things or spend much money because we were saving for her surgery. But we have been mostly very happy. This past year was bad though. I didn't see it as so bad at the time. I was just trying to get through it. She had just started full time managing at a restaurant, she worked all the time and it stressed her out and we almost never got quality time with each other because of how tired she was. It really started to change her. She had no tolerance for my questions and incessant talking. I understand, i overwhelm myself, but sometimes i couldn't help it because her lack of communication had me so stressed. We had other little problems here in there but not that big of a deal and they all seemed to stem of this problem.
Well something happened last week and she finally opened up to me about everything. No filter. It lasted all the way up until today where i think i finally found out the last big thing from her. Basically it came down to: she doesn't want to be with me anymore, we have gone through too much and she doesn't think we can come back from it. We discussed that over the week and she says she knows it was hugely her fault from not communicating with me/shutting me out and that she strongly dislikes who i became because of it. she listened to me tell her all the good things in our relationship and that that was almost the only really bad thing and that now that i knew i could change. i could be the girl she fell in love with. But the flood gates had opened, she had more. She wanted to be free, she had missed out, she didn't want to have t fix us. I cried and i begged my case.. we almost have her surgery. Our life has literally been on hold for that. Would she please just give us one more chance to finally be able to have the kind of relationship others take for granted. Discussions went on for awhile and at a calmer state she said part of her did want to try, that she loved me more than anything. My heart was still breaking though because part of her didn't want to do it anymore. She said that she knows it was the fault of us saving for the surgery that she felt a lot of what she did but that when she looked at me she couldn't help but blame me for it all. She said she'd try to stop but she didn't know if she could. Then the last thing i found out, last of it all i think, is that she hasn't been sexually attracted to me for months and that though she hasn't been attracted to anyone else she didn't think she could ever be attracted to me again. My heart shattered the rest of the way.
This last hard year the one thing i kept telling myself was we would have a new chance to re-fall in love with each other after surgery and at least we could become the best friends we used to be. I told her that and i actually had to beg for it. She has agreed. When her emotions calmed down she tried to make things better but ultimately it has come down to she wants what she wants and despite how much she assured me she loved me and wanted this before, even our marriage in november, she didn't want it anymore and she was sorry she had hurt me and she would give us this one last chance.
I know this transition is all about her. I have made the last five years of my life all about her. She knows, she's thankful and she is also annoyed because she feels obligated to me. The hardest part of it is is that none of these last two week have been the normal her. She's been harsh and mean and apologized only for the fact that she hadn't talked to me about her feelings sooner. Off and on through our talks she is loving and says she doesn't want to lose me all the way and i tell her please keep me even if its just as your best friend. This story is so much deeper than i am able to describe but in the end, right now, i am broken. I love her with everything i am. i can't see being with anyone else. I know she is still going through her extremely difficult transition and she has to be selfish, but she almost seems to not care about me at all anymore. She blames me for things she missed out on even though she also admits its not my fault. And the hardest part is that i still just want to be there for her, even in the midst of all this pain and brokenness. I just want her to love me the way i thought she did 3 weeks ago. I tell her that and she says she let out the truth and she can't go back. And all i have to hold on to is the one last promise from her that she will give us one last chance starting after her surgery, but that promise is coming from the woman who just, without regret, broke every other one she made to me in our relationship. What do i do? What do i do? I am still here with her, my hope clings to this chance, but i am so broken and i know i can't let go but the pain of knowing i am holding on to someone who already said they didn't want me is tearing me apart.
Its very possible that your wife has not known this was going to happen over the past five years. I can't imagine the fear and feelings of betrayal you must be going through.
Both of you have been through a lot together, and though that may have made you feel closer to her, she may feel that she wants to start over again and not think of who she was before her transition.
She says she wants nothing to do with you anymore. Did she say what it is that she does want? You've opened up the lines of communication, but so far, its kind of generic. There is probably more to it than that, but I won't even try to guess what since I don't know either of you.
If she will agree to go to counseling, that may be a start. Because she has voiced a desire to leave, going to counseling on the premise that it is to help you understand what is going on may be a better way to approach it.
I'm truly sorry you are going through this. Its hard enough to go through a breakup after that amount of time when both parties agree to quit, but when one party still feels attached to the other and the love has not changed, it can be devastating. Even if she won't go to therapy with you, you might benefit from it yourself. See if you can find out exactly why she has fallen out of love with you and then you will know what you are dealing with.
sam1234