Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am actually at the point in which I am consciously fighting off depression and suicidal thoughts.

This post is a big, huge, rambling rant. I sat down with the intention to tell you all about how much my father is ruining me at the moment, and we end with half a life's story. Don't read it, it will probably be a waste of your time.

In August, last year, I moved out with my (at the time) best friend of about 12 years. Within the first month he tried to kill himself four times. He one night blamed it on me, then disappeared, resulting in his father breaking into the Unit to confront me. My friend then completely blocked me out of his life until January. This time, though, he introduced me to another guy, and the two of them together had my life threatened, threatened me themselves, and robbed me twice. I lost every friend I had, which was never many to start with.

Last week, I moved back in with my parents. Now that I'm back home, I have to live with my Dad, and to put it simply, he thinks he's god. He continuously finds a way to blame me for everything that goes wrong, and it isn't even subtle that he doesn't like me at all. He's not your typical abusive father, he's never hit me, there was never any sexual abuse or clear signs of neglect, but there are things I remember so clearly that must have had an impact on me, because they are the only things I remember. That, or they were the mild things, and I should be glad they are all I remember. Like when I was six, I didn't put my pajamas away, so he carried me through the house by my upper arm and left a hand shaped bruise on my bicep. Like when I was 11, he slammed my head against a tiled wall because he wanted the muesli bar I was eating.

Throughout my entire life I have never done anything that was good enough. I am a gifted child, but I am a lazy child. I excelled academically in everything, and if I wasn't so lazy I could be very good at sport as well. As I grew older, past primary school, and I realized that school was sort of pointless to me, and I had much more important things (like self identity and The Sims) to be paying attention to. I don't remember the last time my father patted me on the back, and I don't think he has ever muttered the words 'I'm proud of you'. I know it would be a lot worse to have a parent who doesn't support your transition, but what is the point of going through all the effort to transition, if I will never even be an adequate son because I got C's, and that's not good enough, because I only got to brown belt in Karate (when I was about 10), and that's not black belt, or because I'm 17 and still haven't saved up for a car, or a family mansion made of gold on a sunny hill.

(TW begins)
I started self harming at 12 years old. My parents didn't find out until I was 14, Dad saw cuts and literally said 'You need to stop that.' Who knew I would hear those five words a lot, lot more. Every time I didn't cover up properly, I got the 'You need to stop that' speech, all about how stupid it is, and how I'm going to have scars forever. I was never asked why, I was never asked if I was okay, or needed someone to talk to. I guess they just thought that since I didn't seem depressed, it didn't matter. They should have known I was smart enough to hide something like that from them, surely? By 15, cutting had become like breathing. Natural. It happened, I felt better, the day kept moving.

In 2012 I had an argument with my Dad about the fact that I wasn't happy with Mum telling me that I didn't need a binder, and that I just needed to accept my body the way it was. He was taking mums side, saying that (even though he thought I should get a binder) she is completely right, and I need to 'humor' her and 'keep my mother happy'. The fight ended in him telling me screaming that if I wasn't going to respect Mum, I could 'get the f--- out of this house', and knocking my hat off my head. I locked myself in the room, phoned a friend, and overdosed on No-Doz (I have a caffeine intolerance), and chased that down by necking a quarter bottle of vodka. When I sat in a room with my parents judgemental faces, and a woman I'd never met in my life, I swore to them all that I was not, in fact, trying to kill myself, and I thought it would just be a good time. I got away with telling everyone at school I was in the hospital due to severe gastro. The one person I told the truth to, my English teacher, laughed initially. Her laugh made me wish I had succeeded.

At the end of 2012, I had started gaining weight. In 2013, I got fat, and my Dad noticed, and my Dad pointed it out. Not in the subtle 'oh here I got you some veggies' or 'Perhaps you should go for a run haha' kind of way that parents tend to. He straight out told me I was fat. That my arms were flabby, that my belly stuck out, that my face was too round and my binder wasn't working and I was so much fatter than my girlfriend and she must have felt bad about that. My sister joined in, I had to order a Large sized work short, I had to buy new pants and I hated myself more than I ever had.

In 2014 I broke up with my partner after a year, and I stopped eating. I didn't count my calories, I didn't water fast, but I cut back, and I smoked. I smoked so much that I can no longer tell if I'm hungry or not, my appetite has been completely destroyed. I lost 30 kilos in the year, albeit not healthily. It took a while to get from 89 to 79, but after that I just kept losing weight. I would lose a kilo a day for a week, and then not lose any for a month, and do the same again. I would go up and down between two numbers, I hated that the most. I wasn't bulimic during this time, although I was in earlier years (2010-2012).

In 2014, I drank a quarter bag of goon on a school night, and e-mailed my Indonesian teacher telling her I wanted to kill myself (in Indonesian). I attended school the next morning, drunk, to be told I would not be allowed to complete my Certificate in Animal Nursing, and I spent the rest of the day drifting in and out of an attack. The school told me to take two weeks off, because they didn't know how to handle my mental state. This was after they had literally banned me from the school's well-being center because of another student. They claimed he needed it more, even though many people would beg to differ. He began to emotionally blackmail his girlfriend, who was my best friend, and the teachers themselves. Every time she was with me, we were best friends at the time, he would demand her attention, and if she didn't reply to his texts, he would cut himself. If she said she wanted to leave him, he said he was going to kill himself. When she did leave him, he ended up with hospital, and she almost got back with him. He threatened to kill me in front of well-being staff, he wrote my birth name on my locker, referred to me as 'it' several times to myself, and other students, as well as writing in a public place that I am a girl. And so I got banned from well-being.

And now it's 2015. I haven't self harmed in over six months, but I can't go more than an hour without considering it. My old friends bore me, my music bores me, I don't even have the motivation enough to watch a movie let alone get out of bed in the morning. I wake up after five hours no matter what time I fall asleep, I'm most relaxed when I stop breathing, and dramatic changes in my life are not even registering.

I honestly just want to cry, all the time, about everything.

I know I should go and see someone, a counselor, I should tell my doctor.
But if I tell my doctor, if my parents find out, anything, my HRT gets stopped.

I crave friends, I need someone to talk to, I need someone who will at least pretend to give half a damn about what's going on in my life. I have a friend, but I'm so called 'in love' with her, and upon finding out my life is currently shattering around me, she completely disregarded it.

I crave physical contact, all the time. My father didn't hug me enough as a child, and now he is the last person I can stand touching me. But I am so freaking lonely. We all at some point have the stupid thought that we will never be loved, but honestly, I live in a little town and I am at 5'3", 12 year old looking adult, with chubby cheeks and a gap in my teeth. I work two jobs, I smoke too much, and my dog smells a bit. Not exactly the 'sexy' 'tanned' guy all the girls want.

I have so many work friends, HEAPS of work friends, but they're work friends because as soon as I leave work, I don't exist to them.

The customers that come through McDonald's are honestly the people I care about most. For some reason they're the only ones who give two half damns about me.


So there you go, a big, rambly rant about absolutely nothing. To sum it up, I have no friends, I'm hopelessly craving a love life, and my suicidal thoughts and intent to self harm are too close to return for my liking.

P.S. I noticed a few language-slip ups after posting, I'm fairly sure I've edited them all out now, apologies.

Hi - I'm sorry to hear that things are rough for you and that you are feeling so bad at the moment. I can understand your fear about having your HRT taken off you - when I tried to transition back in the early 1990s I was struggling big time but I was afraid that if I told my shrink I would have my treatment on HRT stopped. In the end I did it myself anyway because I couldn't cope and it was that or a much worse option. What I really needed was a circuit breaker to just take me out of the bad place I was in at the time and help me reset and get my life stable. I doubt that talking to a counsellor will see you taken off HRT, what you need is a circuit breaker before you do end up doing something to hurt yourself - please consider getting some support and help.

I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now, and I second what Grace said. Please get some help. There are crisis centers and clinics where they'll absolutely respect your confidentiality -- they won't tell anyone without your permission (unless they really believe you're a danger to yourself right effin' now).  Some will even see you anonymously -- my first step, when I was suicidal 2-3 years ago, was to go to such a place, and it did help a lot: it started me on the road to getting my life back and being able to claim my true self.

Also -- from your description of what you've been through, you are a survivor, and that's something to be proud of. You've come a long way in spite of a hell of a lot of obstacles, and that says a lot about your courage and determination. Thank you for sharing your feelings and situation with us; that also takes some guts.

There's a sticky at the top of this forum with suicide hotline numbers. That could be another resource for you right now -- talking to an actual person can help a lot, and they'll likely be able to point you toward other resources, such as free clinics, and perhaps even some possibilities for transitional housing. Your situation with your father sounds really toxic, and getting out of there would be a good thing. (And by the way, from what you describe, he has absolutely been "your typical abusive father" all along -- what you describe from your childhood is textbook stuff.)

Take care of yourself, and keep in touch with us, OK?

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. You are a survivor and you should be proud of that. I've had depression for the last 4yrs and know how hard it is to get out of that hole. My dad was also sort of 'distant', not as bad as yours though. I just want to say that I think we have some stuff in common and if you ever want to PM me at any time I'll be here.

Don't his hesitate to speak to your Dr or counselor about these problems, if they consider taking you off hrt then they should be struck off as that would only make your depression worse and endanger your life.
In my honest opinion you need anti depressants, it's nothing to be ashamed of. They are what kept me on the face of this planet for the last three years.

They are not going to fix your social problems but they will help you to face them.

Now a few tips about happy pills:
They can take up to a month to work
You may get headaches at first as your body gets used to them
Tell your Dr about any side effects, most people get some at first
You may have to try several kinds to find the right ones for you, for me it was third time lucky

The final thing to remember is that no matter how hard things get we are here if you need us

Quote from: Ms Grace on February 22, 2015, 06:31:25 AM
Hi - I'm sorry to hear that things are rough for you and that you are feeling so bad at the moment. I can understand your fear about having your HRT taken off you - when I tried to transition back in the early 1990s I was struggling big time but I was afraid that if I told my shrink I would have my treatment on HRT stopped. In the end I did it myself anyway because I couldn't cope and it was that or a much worse option. What I really needed was a circuit breaker to just take me out of the bad place I was in at the time and help me reset and get my life stable. I doubt that talking to a counsellor will see you taken off HRT, what you need is a circuit breaker before you do end up doing something to hurt yourself - please consider getting some support and help.

I think the part of me that doesn't want to go and see a counselor is the part that Is scared of making mistakes and doing badly. I don't want to have to go back to her and go "hey, I'm back to where I started, oops", It just makes me feel like a failure. I know I'm a better person now, I'm nicer, I'm more confident and positive, but I just can't help but try so hard to deny the fact that I'm still depressed, and that never really went away. I wanted so hard to be better, I think I just lied to myself for a while..

Quote from: Tysilio on February 22, 2015, 11:00:37 AM
I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now, and I second what Grace said. Please get some help. There are crisis centers and clinics where they'll absolutely respect your confidentiality -- they won't tell anyone without your permission (unless they really believe you're a danger to yourself right effin' now).  Some will even see you anonymously -- my first step, when I was suicidal 2-3 years ago, was to go to such a place, and it did help a lot: it started me on the road to getting my life back and being able to claim my true self.

Also -- from your description of what you've been through, you are a survivor, and that's something to be proud of. You've come a long way in spite of a hell of a lot of obstacles, and that says a lot about your courage and determination. Thank you for sharing your feelings and situation with us; that also takes some guts.

There's a sticky at the top of this forum with suicide hotline numbers. That could be another resource for you right now -- talking to an actual person can help a lot, and they'll likely be able to point you toward other resources, such as free clinics, and perhaps even some possibilities for transitional housing. Your situation with your father sounds really toxic, and getting out of there would be a good thing. (And by the way, from what you describe, he has absolutely been "your typical abusive father" all along -- what you describe from your childhood is textbook stuff.)

Take care of yourself, and keep in touch with us, OK?

As ridiculous as it sounds, the reason I don't call LifeLine is because one of my grandparents actually works in the call center, and there is no way I would even like to risk that. When it comes to a situation where I actually need to talk to someone in terms of a professional trying to help, I go complete defensive mode. I turn into a giant, sadly poetic riddle, and everyone just gets frustrated.

As for my father, unfortunately I have to stay here for at least until after my surgery. I've got no idea when that will actually be, I'm hoping the middle of the year, but I need to save up the money for that (largely myself,) and I can only do that living at home. The other problem is that I can't live alone. I've tried, it just doesn't work. I drive myself crazy inside of my own head and it just echos throughout the empty rooms.

Quote from: Elis on February 22, 2015, 01:47:19 PM
I'm sorry you had to deal with this. You are a survivor and you should be proud of that. I've had depression for the last 4yrs and know how hard it is to get out of that hole. My dad was also sort of 'distant', not as bad as yours though. I just want to say that I think we have some stuff in common and if you ever want to PM me at any time I'll be here.

The funny part is, that I've told him straight that he's a bad father, and he just laughs about it, and I think that's because he knows he's only been a bad father to me. The other three siblings have no problems, and I suppose it's because I'm the second child, and the only one who actually has any problems. Depresssion, anxiety, coeliac, a handful of other intolerances, I'm trans, and I'm a delinquent, so. The rest of my siblings are all perfect little angels, I mean sure two of them have glasses and the third is just a general pain in the ass, but in terms of being 'normal people' they're pretty damn straight forward.

Thank you very much for that, I'll keep it in mind.

Quote from: Jayne on February 22, 2015, 02:36:04 PM
Don't his hesitate to speak to your Dr or counselor about these problems, if they consider taking you off hrt then they should be struck off as that would only make your depression worse and endanger your life.
In my honest opinion you need anti depressants, it's nothing to be ashamed of. They are what kept me on the face of this planet for the last three years.

They are not going to fix your social problems but they will help you to face them.

Now a few tips about happy pills:
They can take up to a month to work
You may get headaches at first as your body gets used to them
Tell your Dr about any side effects, most people get some at first
You may have to try several kinds to find the right ones for you, for me it was third time lucky

The final thing to remember is that no matter how hard things get we are here if you need us

My dad forced me onto anti-depressants at the time I dropped out of school. I took them for almost a month, but I wasn't sleeping properly at all. I was going to sleep at 6am and waking up at 10am, which basically renders that four hour sleep useless considering it's all after midnight.

I hadn't considered going back on them until you've just suggested it now, and thank you for doing that. I will just need to figure out how to afford them. I'm already meant to be taking tablets for my reflux, and that costs me about $40 a month, but I'm not taking them (esophageal cancer anyone?), and my parents want me to pay board (more than my sister does, and she's 20 and her boyfriend lives here), and so asking them to pay would be useless. They have a lower disposable income than me, which is saying something, considering I'm underage and work at McDonald's and the supermarket.


Thank you all very much for your responses. This forum is honestly my safe haven right now, and the wonderful people here (ye, u guys) continue to amaze me every day. I found out today that we are trying to get a trans youth group up and running in my town, so here's hoping that works out and I'm not actually the only trans person here.

It sounds like you may need sleeping tablets. Several times over the last three years I've had to be prescribed sleeping tablets as unfortunately depression and insomnia tend to go hand in hand, they feed off of each other.
I've dealt with both these problems throughout my life as I suffer severe eczema so some days I feel like an expert on these subjects.
If you're having sleeping problems then avoid computers or videogames for at least an hour as they mess with the brain any aggravate sleeping problems.

You really should make an appointment with your doctor.

Unfortunately if I was prescribed sleeping tablets, both the tablets and myself would last no longer than that day. I'm like 87% sure I'm only still alive because I'm lazy. There is this (kind of expensive) stuff at the supermarkets now that's meant to help you sleep, and apparently it actually works, so I might pick up some of that in few paydays' time.

Fun fact, I got eczema really bad when I was little, however these days I only really get it on my chest, because binding has caused some serious granny-boob going on, and between them and my chest it's like an eczema fiesta.

I've got an appointment with him on the 16th, however if I can't find my prescription for my T, then I shall be going to see him sooner than that.

At one point in 2013 I had to hand my pills over to someone trusted to have them safely locked away, do you have anyone you can trust to do that?
If not then tell your Dr and he/she can prescribe them in small/safe amounts.
I notice you said you have previously been on happy pills for a month but weren't sleeping well, one month isn't long enough for the full benefits, they aren't a quick fix kind of medication and some varieties may hinder sleep at first
If you need to chat then feel free to pm me.

Quote from: Jayne on February 22, 2015, 08:13:47 PM
At one point in 2013 I had to hand my pills over to someone trusted to have them safely locked away, do you have anyone you can trust to do that?
If not then tell your Dr and he/she can prescribe them in small/safe amounts.

If you need to chat then feel free to pm me.

Unfortunately not anyone that I trust enough to know of my suicidal feelings. That being said, I feel like my doctor would initially be prescribing them in small doses to avoid any risks.

Thank you very much, I will keep you in mind. :)

Hugs. You really should go see a therapist. As someone else pointed out if they are stupid enough to try and take you off HRT, then quickly point out it won't make things better but worse than they already are. Be open and honest with your doctor and a therapist. After all they are there to help you. I wish you the strength and courage to persevere through all of your issues. Often are gender issues only magnify other issues we have to and those issues deserve being dealt with too. In the meantime we are all here always for you. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Mariah2014 on February 22, 2015, 08:29:38 PM
Hugs. You really should go see a therapist. As someone else pointed out if they are stupid enough to try and take you off HRT, then quickly point out it won't make things better but worse than they already are. Be open and honest with your doctor and a therapist. After all they are there to help you. I wish you the strength and courage to persevere through all of your issues. Often are gender issues only magnify other issues we have to and those issues deserve being dealt with too. In the meantime we are all here always for you. Hugs
Mariah

As much as I love how supportive my parents are of my being trans these days (Mum co-founded our towns PFLAG group), they are the worst when it comes to all of the depression related stuff. Seeing the therapist, and even going to the doctor for anti-depressants and sleeping pills, they're things that I will actually get picked on for. My parents used to make jokes about my cutting, if that puts things in perspective. I think they think I'm too smart of mental problems? I really don't know.

Thank you so very much, Mariah. Yourself and everyone else, you are all such wonderful people.

Does anyone own an island that we can all live on.. ?

Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 22, 2015, 08:36:55 PM


Does anyone own an island that we can all live on.. ?

I'm working on it, one thing at a time ;-)

Quote from: Jayne on February 22, 2015, 08:43:43 PM
I'm working on it, one thing at a time ;-)

Hmm, I wonder how well crowd sourcing would work.
'This GoFundMe was set up to raise funds for the transgender people of the world to invest in their own island to live happily in harmony.' :laugh:

Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 22, 2015, 08:48:05 PM
Hmm, I wonder how well crowd sourcing would work.
'This GoFundMe was set up to raise funds for the transgender people of the world to invest in their own island to live happily in harmony.' :laugh:

What are ya waiting for? Set it up!
Think of the haters who would donate to be rid of us and then think of us on our own tropical island laughing smugly at them!!
I name this island Transtopia

Quote from: Jayne on February 22, 2015, 08:56:12 PM
What are ya waiting for? Set it up!
Think of the haters who would donate to be rid of us and then think of us on our own tropical island laughing smugly at them!!
I name this island Transtopia

Our clothing stores are sorted by style instead of gender, and you can buy breast forms and packers at the $2 store.

Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 22, 2015, 08:59:20 PM
Our clothing stores are sorted by style instead of gender, and you can buy breast forms and packers at the $2 store.

Our public toilets are non gender based cubicles, rude stares are non existent, ALL drs are trained to prescribe hormone treatment......even cats and dogs live in harmony (maybe thats a bit too much to ask for)

Quote from: Jayne on February 22, 2015, 09:07:32 PM
Our public toilets are non gender based cubicles, rude stares are non existent, ALL drs are trained to prescribe hormone treatment......even cats and dogs live in harmony (maybe thats a bit too much to ask for)

The cats and dogs don't have a choice. They must conform to the society that does not conform to society!

Father continues to threaten to kick me out, I don't think there's been a day since I moved back that he hasn't. He seems to think that Mum would let him kick me out, but I really doubt that.

And an exert from a recent argument,

"Dad, you literally only care about yourself."
"That's not true, I care about Emma, and Lewis, and Bonnie."
"The three other of your children that aren't me, thanks."

Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 22, 2015, 07:34:17 PM
I think the part of me that doesn't want to go and see a counselor is the part that Is scared of making mistakes and doing badly. I don't want to have to go back to her and go "hey, I'm back to where I started, oops", It just makes me feel like a failure. I know I'm a better person now, I'm nicer, I'm more confident and positive, but I just can't help but try so hard to deny the fact that I'm still depressed, and that never really went away. I wanted so hard to be better, I think I just lied to myself for a while..

You aren't a failure. Dealing with depression and other painful stuff is not a one way journey to "better land". There are times when you make great progress and times when it feels like you are right back where you started - even though you are not. A lot of the time dealing with depression is about having perspective on your situation and knowing that your memories and your feelings about something bad are not you, that they do not need to define you and that you can increase your emotional strength to deal with them when they take hold. But it can be a long hard journey. Took me six or seven years before I was able to finally stand up for myself.

Quote from: Ms Grace on February 22, 2015, 11:29:30 PM
You aren't a failure. Dealing with depression and other painful stuff is not a one way journey to "better land". There are times when you make great progress and times when it feels like you are right back where you started - even though you are not. A lot of the time dealing with depression is about having perspective on your situation and knowing that your memories and your feelings about something bad are not you, that they do not need to define you and that you can increase your emotional strength to deal with them when they take hold. But it can be a long hard journey. Took me six or seven years before I was able to finally stand up for myself.

I wish there was some sort of transitional, in-out fading slide, but (especially in term of suicidal thoughts) it's more like randomly remembering to do something you had decided to do hours beforehand.

I think the thing that frustrates me the most about this all is that I know it's depression. I know none of the negative thoughts I have are true, I know I don't actually need to hurt myself, and I definitely do not need to be dying. I know it's all a bunch of poppycock, sub-conscious brain washing and that I should sleep more and eat less gluten, and fake it till I make it. But my mind is too logical. There is logic behind believing I suck at everything, I can bring up undeniable proof of that. I can list reasons to say that my transition is useless and I'll never be loved, and my father hates me. I can even slur enough hogwash to make anyone believe I'm a sociopath, and I know that there is something in my head that I have always been too traumatized by to share, but isn't all of that just a part of the poppycock, sub-conscious brain washing of depression? I'm constantly rebutting myself with nonsense.

That's right - it's a self-defeating negative logic loop. When it's bad it's a downward spiral instead. But what is it really - just negative mental self conditioning. If that is what gets us down there then the inverse is true - self-supporting positive logic loops can do a lot to pull us out of our mind funk. It isn't just new agey rubbish - we know thinking bad things about ourselves and our future prospects makes up feel bad about ourselves and anything and everything. Stopping that negative loop, substituting it with something positive about yourself and your prospects can break through, especially with enough practice (ie, it won't solve the issue first, second, or third time). And it won't magically make your life awesome but it will help clear a mental and emotional path that allows you to move forward with your life with a 'can do' attitude rather than being stuck in a miserable 'can't ever do' funk. Learning how to block out the toxic crap from others around us (like your father) is essential. Sometimes when we feel better about ourselves the way others respond to us changes to.

I think I accidentally replaced the negativity with foolish hope instead of actual positivity, and that's why I was seemingly fine for the last five months.

As Ms Grace said it's all a matter of perspective (one of my favourite sayings)

How long has your Dad known you are going to transition? Many parents go through the five stages of grief, my mum certainly did. When someone comes out as trans parents sometimes feel like their child is dying, in a way they are right but in time they realise that their child is going to be reborn as a happier person.
For the first two years things were strained between me and my mum, thank god we didn't share a roof. She got upset, she bargained, she got angry and sometimes that came out in spiteful comments but through it all she still cared.
Some of the comments I received were:

You shouldn't do this as you'll be an ugly woman
Now your brother's in prison I'm going to have holidays over xmas, there's no point celebrating Xmas when you have no family around.
If you do this you'll spend your life alone, who would want to be with you?

The list could be longer but you get the idea, through all of this she still loved me

Thankfully we've been through that. I've been on HRT for 14 months, and it was a year and a half process before that, and then another year or so before that is when I came out. The last time I went to see my counselor, I made him come with me, and the result of that session was basically that Dad doesn't like me.

Don't take it personally if your dad doesn't like you, keeping the relationship going between me and my father was constant hard work.
Some fathers are distant like that.
In my early thirties we had our final falling out, at first it hurt but with time I realised that my life was better without his negative influence, it's all a matter of perspective. I can hold my head up guilt free because I tried, I made the effort when he wasn't willing to return that effort.

On the bright side, once my father was out of my life it freed me to come out and begin my transition, I just had the hiccup of being in a relationship that at heart was an attempt to gain his approval and respect, turns out I needed neither of those to be a happy, well rounded adult.

I think that once I finally move on from this {wonderful} town I'll be able to accept it, but at the moment I think I crave to bej accepted as his son. I know he calls me his son, but I can't help but wish he would be proud of me. If I had of done Chemistry he would have been, I know that.

I'm living in the family house, but luckily we have one parent here for a fortnight, and then the other (they're separated).

I received your pm, and thank you very much for that. I'll pass it on when I can. My mother is more supportive in general, however she is also largely absent. Her boyfriend lives about two hours away, and she is there whenever she can be. She also spent most of my childhood and adolescence thus far sitting in a chair on the computer, so the amount of time spent around/with my dad was/is majority.

Craving acceptance from a parent is natural, I spent 8yrs as an engineer to gain my fathers respect, I then spent years in a relationship with a woman to gain acceptance, she's a lovely person (unless you anger her, then you should run and hide) but I was only attracted to her personality, the physical side of things was an emotional strain.
I'm fortunate that all I have to do to be accepted by my mammy is be a nice person and keep my flat tidy (I fail on the last point, lol)

I blatantly refused to do chemistry regardless of how proud it would make him. I didn't want to be in school at that point as it as. I remember we had an argument about it on the way home from dropping my little sister at a friends. He didn't understand that by him continually suggesting I do chemistry (like every second day) that he was trying to force me into it. I was driving and just snapped, and stopped the car, which in hindsight was a very dumb move and I'm lucky there was no traffic. Cut to the chase, he kicked me out of the car and drove off. He came back, but I feel that was more to safe his hide from Mum.

I fight with both of my parents a lot. Dads rude and mum's lazy, she's also very good at emotional projecting. That being said, she's not rude, so we get along most of the time.

My whole (lack of) love life is a game of acceptance. How do you get adults to look at you twice when you literally look 14? How do you get school girls to like you when they're surrounded by tall, muscular, dishevled, sporty school boys? These are the mysteries of the universe, but at least my left hand loves me.

Also, what is this 'tidy' you speak of?

"Tidy" is an archaic concept that my mum lives by, I don't fully understand it, maybe a dictionary would help?

What is this "love life" thingy?  Is it another archaic concept?
Try being 40, looking male with a cup breasts whilst not being attracted to gay men or particularly enamoured with rear door naughtiness. The type of men that attract me aren't attracted to me "sigh"
The only relationship I've had in 3yrs is with my right hand, even lefty ain't interested in me, oh the shame that even my left hand rejects me  ::)

I may just go and Google this one, it's puzzling..

For some reason, I feel like said situation appeals to me a lot more.. buut I do get where you're coming from. I'm 18 next month and my best hopes are school girls, which I guess is alright, but like, illegal soon?

I'd have to say "don't panic, you've got a lifetime for dating"
One of the things me & my ex agreed on 100% is that if you aren't happy with who you are then you'll never be happy in a relationship, use the pent up energy in a different way, channel that energy into making it through your transition. Set yourself the goal/reward that once your transition has finished & you are happy with who you are then you can enjoy some "adult naughtiness".
If you are still transitioning & depressed/unhappy then it will only overshadow any enjoyment you are entitled to.
You're young and have many, many decades to enjoy life.

I stayed celibate until I was 30, there was one xmas incident when I was 20 but I was so drunk that night I woke up the next day and realised I was still a virgin (you have to have some recollection of the event for it to count).
The only bright side to my sex life is that i've lost my virginity 3 times, once i've had my GRS then I can lose my virginity for the 4th time.
Once you hit 40 then it's justifiable to start thinking that there's somewhat of a rush, with my health issues & the medication it's fair for me to assume that i've lived over half of my life, for me the clock is ticking, for you the clocks barely been wound up :)

I've only had one intimate interaction since my HRT, and I was definitely very, very drunk, and there was too many people involved for dysphoria to matter to me.

However, now that I'm actually kinda happy with my physical appearance, I've become a very lonely person, haha. I think also the fact that I'm on T doesn't help. I had a crazy enough sex drive as it was!

I'm counting down until I turn 18 (26 days) so that I can go out and hook up with people. I find my problem is less that I'm uncomfortable, and more that I look 14.

Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 23, 2015, 08:22:08 PM
I find my problem is less that I'm uncomfortable, and more that I look 14.

Looking young may feel like a curse right now but give it a few years and suddenly it will become a huge blessing, once you hit mid twenties you'll beam with pride every time someone guesses your age and knocks a few years off.
As a teenager I used to have a friend who could have a full beard and still get charged child fares on public transport!!

Patience my young padawan

Quote from: Jayne on February 24, 2015, 08:44:03 AM
Looking young may feel like a curse right now but give it a few years and suddenly it will become a huge blessing, once you hit mid twenties you'll beam with pride every time someone guesses your age and knocks a few years off.
As a teenager I used to have a friend who could have a full beard and still get charged child fares on public transport!!

Patience my young padawan

I just had the sudden realization that when I turn 18, I won't actually be able to go out that night, because I don't have photo ID with my name on it. My learners permit still has my birth name :o

It's unlikely that you'll go anywhere where they care, or even notice, what your name is -- all they'll look at is your date of birth and picture.  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Fwink.gif&hash=fd49c1687b59c0ea097a7b4f1ed562a996fdaf5c)

This is true.

I did pull out the ole permit today, and 30kg and 14months of HRT makes a big ass difference

If you get turned away from one place on your 18th then take your cash somewhere else, when I went out on my 18th I didn't have any id with me but must have managed to get in somewhere as I had one hell of a hangover the next day & my weeks wages had mysteriously been transfromed into a technicolor yawn.
I do remember the only place I could sleep without being sick was on the bathroom floor with my head inches away from a full cat litter tray, I was only sick because a drunk friend ran in to pray loudly to "Ruth" and missed the porcelain potty hitting me in the face with his pavement pizza.
Oh to be young again

Jayne, by the sounds of it, I would really like to party with you, haha!

I've decided I'm probably going to be going to Melbourne for my 18th, I'm just slightly struggling in that decision still.

Quote from: JayneOh to be young again

Oh, I don't know... I'm sort of getting into that "old age and trickery" thing. 

I would say you should rejoice in the fact that you know what you want and have the drive to go for it at the point in life you are!  For me, I knew what I wanted, but I allowed environmental factors to drive me in the wrong direction until recently (I'm 35).  There were even times when I had a boat load of money sitting around and wanted to do it, but just being internally confused had me get into situations that make transitioning more difficult.  I'm still going to do my best to transition at this point, but it is so much harder now. 

Quote from: Deinewelt on February 25, 2015, 09:42:02 PM
I would say you should rejoice in the fact that you know what you want and have the drive to go for it at the point in life you are!  For me, I knew what I wanted, but I allowed environmental factors to drive me in the wrong direction until recently (I'm 35).  There were even times when I had a boat load of money sitting around and wanted to do it, but just being internally confused had me get into situations that make transitioning more difficult.  I'm still going to do my best to transition at this point, but it is so much harder now. 

I often forget that I am lucky that I knew what I wanted to do at a young age. However, unfortunately,  my parents did not overly accept my wishes to transition, and definitely didn't help me to reach my goal, until after I had attempted, and almost succeeded, in taking my own life. It wasn't until I mentioned it whilst having a mandatory psych evaluation done that they really took what I was saying on board. So I guess it really comes down to a difficult decision, am I glad that I started at 16 instead of waiting until I was 18? Or was it not worth the heinous state that I was in after OD'ing.. I guess I'll never know.

Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 25, 2015, 07:36:57 PM
Jayne, by the sounds of it, I would really like to party with you, haha!

I've decided I'm probably going to be going to Melbourne for my 18th, I'm just slightly struggling in that decision still.

I'm turning into a bit of an old duffer nowadays, the last big drinking session I had was about 5yrs ago when I drank 26 pints of Guinness plus spirits, since coming out I don't feel the need to drink myself sober anymore. I'm also desperately trying to lose the beer belly.
All it takes is a pint or two now and I'm all over the place. If I drink cider however I get really silly really quickly.

Quote from: Jayne on February 26, 2015, 08:02:20 AM
I'm turning into a bit of an old duffer nowadays, the last big drinking session I had was about 5yrs ago when I drank 26 pints of Guinness plus spirits, since coming out I don't feel the need to drink myself sober anymore. I'm also desperately trying to lose the beer belly.
All it takes is a pint or two now and I'm all over the place. If I drink cider however I get really silly really quickly.

Have you noticed how you never hear the term vodka belly.. ? ;)

Jokes aside, I feel like I'm definitely going to struggle saving my money for surgery instead of spending it all on alcohol..

QuoteJokes aside, I feel like I'm definitely going to struggle saving my money for surgery instead of spending it all on alcohol.

This may help: one effect of alcohol is to increase the level of estrogen in your system, and decrease the level of testosterone.  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Feek.gif&hash=669241757cc6b77b28c325f022e1bf7b2454d127)

And if that's not bad enough, it's liable to make you fat -- which also increases estrogen.  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Feek.gif&hash=669241757cc6b77b28c325f022e1bf7b2454d127) again.

Don't forget that whilst there is the old phrase about drowning your sorrows drinking is a really bad idea if you're depressed.

The estrogen bit is a good point.

@Tysilio
For some reason I've only ever maintained or lost weight after drinking, probably due to my strong dislike for beer.

@Jayne
After my friend moved out and his dad broke in I was drunk for a week. I file a police report, aced a job interview, and worked twice within that week. Needless to say I'm definitely at risk of alcoholism.

That being said, I am well aware of the effects of both depression and recreational substances on my rewards system, so I often try to remind myself of that.

One of the reasons I stopped drinking was because I was downing eight pints of Guinness every evening and double that on weekends. I realised that my recycling bin was filled with nothing but empty tinnies.

I've managed to fill the void in my RS with 'herbs', which is much healthier for me than alcohol. My hope is that that will ease my urge to drown my sorrows.

Quote from: Tripdistrans on February 27, 2015, 04:52:26 AM
I've managed to fill the void in my RS with 'herbs', which is much healthier for me than alcohol. My hope is that that will ease my urge to drown my sorrows.

It's better to face problems with a clear head if you can manage it, however I do understand that it's easier said than done

I think I just screwed up my life at some point and it just keeps screwing. :/

Quote from: Tripdistrans on March 02, 2015, 02:29:59 AM
I think I just screwed up my life at some point and it just keeps screwing. :/

Nope, you just sound like an average teenager/young adult. When I have an hour to spare I'll send you a pm to explain how I screwed up the first thirty years of my life, it really is a miracle I made it to twenty, me making it to thirty was more of a miracle than a burning bush that talks, me making it to today is a bigger feat than parting the red sea!!

Quote from: Jayne on March 02, 2015, 05:57:30 AM
Nope, you just sound like an average teenager/young adult. When I have an hour to spare I'll send you a pm to explain how I screwed up the first thirty years of my life, it really is a miracle I made it to twenty, me making it to thirty was more of a miracle than a burning bush that talks, me making it to today is a bigger feat than parting the red sea!!

I want to say I look forward to reading it, but that definitely comes across badly..

Okay so fun fact apparently they legit found heaps of chariots and stuff at the bottom of the red sea like nope no thanks

Quote from: Tripdistrans on March 02, 2015, 06:00:47 AM
I want to say I look forward to reading it, but that definitely comes across badly..

When you get the message make sure you're well stocked with tea/coffee (& choccy bikkies)

Quote from: Jayne on March 02, 2015, 06:08:00 AM
When you get the message make sure you're well stocked with tea/coffee (& choccy bikkies)

Unfortunately I can have none of those things, I do have water though.

I've sent you a pm to show you how I screwed up my life due to suppressed anger & self loathing, warts and all. I hope you are able to learn from my mistakes

I've a 7.5 hour shift of serving very dumb people right now, however I'll read it once I'm home. :)