Hey girls, this is my first official post on Susan's, as I have recently come out as MtF to my GF of 3 years and a few close friends. I thought I would feel so relieved after doing this, but instead I feel even more depressed than before. My GF didn't even wait an hour before deciding to leave me, even though we can still be "friends." I think this is why I don't feel relieved, the only way I have any relationship with her is by listening to her numerous sexual exploits and every detail of her day since we broke up, as her best friend. I don't know what to do, I know I'm Trans, but I feel guilty for being this way, I haven't told family or my college friends because I already have lost the one person I thought would stick around, and Im afraid to upset/disappoint others and lose them. I went through multiple sick family members and their subsequent deaths, surgeries, accidents, and other life changing events with her, and the fact that she was able to walk away and move on to others this quickly really hurts me, she didn't even make it a week before finding someone. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate her as a friend and I want her to be happy, but at the same time I feel like this friendship hurts me more than helps me, and I think I'm really only friends with her in the hope that we could eventually get back together and the fact that I dont have many other friends anymore (most of my friends were her friends first) . I feel like I'm stuck, I want to transition, no, I need to transition but I'm afraid, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be an outsider who is shunned by society, I just want to be accepted as a girl. Every time I dress En Femme I feel like a "man in a dress", I look in the mirror and while I long to be seen as the girl I know I am, but I just see a hideous male face looking back at me. I know in some ways I'm lucky, I have a relatively feminine voice, longer hair, I'm just above average female height (5' 7"), and I'm located in an area with many resources and a strong trans community. But, I just feel lost as I still feel like "a guy" because thats how I'm perceived, but I long to be able to express my real self, and I figured here was my best shot of getting unbiased and non-judgmental advice.
Thanks,
Jackie
Hi Jackie,
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Hugs,
~Jill
This sounds similar to my situation. Me and my gf broke up a month or so ago (not bcos I'm trans though and we did go out for a long time). I hate how she can just act like we're friends like us going out had never happened and wish we could get back together. I don't have any friends either. Partly I want us to get back together bcos she treated me mostly for who I am and would support me when I eventually come out, now I have no one to do that. Right now I feel it's too much like a struggle to get where I need to be in life. I wish I could pop some pills right now. Btw, here you'll definitely get that.
F. society.
I was thinking long and hard today, how far must I transistion to be happy. I am a woman. I dont want surgeries to make men happy as illogical that is but men flock to me as a man they'll flock to me as a woman. I dont need tons of surgeries. What I need is a man who loves me as a woman, but beyond that... I dont need it. Besides a pretty face but bodywise... hormones will take care of that.
I need to love my mirror but I dont need to please anyone beyond my happiness.
Screw what others say or think. Dont let them dictate who you should be. Dont trust friends or lovers or family. Theyll turn on you. SO never rely on anything or anyone but yourself. The ones who will love you will stay those who dont are better off gone if youre happiness isnt priority. To gain the love of others, serve to their emotions. A person will love you for you. Your girlfriend probably never love you too deep but she doesnt have to settle if a woman doesnt make her happy. She wants a man. You didnt fit the bill.
And if you lose everything in the process... ignore it as best you can. Hate them right back. You are your own ruler of yourself
Give your GF time.
She mat come around, or she may not, but give her time and space. That she is willing to be friends is HUGELY important during transition. My wife has become my best friend, and I could not ask her for more. You trust her enough to tell her and she trusts you enough to remain close. That is VERY good. It may not be the same but it is a net positive, I promise.