I have a real hard time at this time of year but this year it seems to be worse! Easter is the anniversary of when I was rapped for the first time. Lately I've only been getting 1-3 hours of sleep a night because I'm having nightmares reliving what happened that day. Normally my nightmares don't effect me that much anymore but now that I'm on HRT my nightmares are so vived! I can actually smell and feel everything all over again. Here lies my problem. No matter what I do I can't get rid of the smell of gun oil out of my head and nose. Why gun oil? Because one of my uncles stuck a gun in my mouth as another uncle rapped me... I am seeing my therapist but any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.
Much love,
Melissa Ann
My heart goes out to you, MelissaAnn. The anniversary of recovering my memory of being raped as a child is this month. It is a different kind of struggle for those of us who are MAAB and have been raped by another man. For some the horror is in forgetting. For others like me, in remembering.
There is a safe and supportive survivor group at www.MyPTSD.com , and solid evidence that yoga can help heal the mind. It has become an integral part of my own life to survive flashbacks and nightmares. Be gentle with yourself.
Love, Virginia
The smell of gun oil is a "Body Memory." The concept is as controversial in the psychological community as the ideas of Recovered and False Memory. A few analogies most people are familiar with are goose bumps and an amputee feeling sensations from a missing limb. Memories of trauma are stored in the primitive limbic part of the brain. According to survivor psychology the subconscious protects the conscious mind by repressing memories and feelings. Some things are too painful for even the subconscious mind to remember. But the body never forgets.
Body Memories are extremely common in victims of childhood rape and have been a recurring topic throughout my trauma recovery therapy. My psychologist and therapist have both explained the paralyzing sense of vulnerability along the left side of my head and neck, between my shoulders down to my anus I experience during flashbacks is Body Memory. My body is physically reliving the trauma as surely as my mind is psychologically. These two experiences distinguish Recovered Memory from False Memory.
Cellular level memory or primitive part of my brain, my skin crawls for no conscious reason. I have only recently come to understand why, but I have slept with something over for my head for as long as I can remember. My Mother said I slept under the covers when I was in grade school; my wife always figured I put a pillow over my head so I wouldn't hear her snore. Since I began to experience flashback 3 years ago, I not only need something over my head, it is impossible for me to sleep without something firm against my back.
Thank you for the information Virginia. I really appreciate it!
I'm deeply sorry you had to endure this horrific abuse. The only advice I can offer is to find a way to disassociate yourself from the smells and the bad memories they bring up - not easily done since smell is a powerful memory trigger. Anniversaries are also a painful trigger and I'd suggest you make sure to have extra special love and support in your life at this time.
Virginia, I am sorry for your trauma and reliving the horror.
I was recommended to read "Waking the Tiger" by Peter A. Levine. This helped to frame the specific type of therapy I went trough next which is Gestalt therapy. The Gestalt therapy was repeated over and over but slightly differently each time. It helped me immensely.
I use to think about some events several times a day. Sometimes I would ruminate over an event and then for a while it became much of what I thought and felt. The gestalt therapy helped me to focus on me and taking care of me and getting out of the event.
I have shared what occurred ( to a large part) with my wife. That helps when things get close. She knows what to say and it helps. On Monday my wife and I were under a lot of stress and it had a trans focus. The three issues were brought up by a PA-C working for a surgeon. I guess it is common enough that many trans experience similar trauma. All the tools I had learned were used and I was able to get out of reliving the traumas.