The majority of trans people I've encountered have known they were trans since childhood or early puberty. Even if they only realised in their middle age, they could still trace signs of dysphoria and/or gender non-conformism back to their youth. But I only realised last year, aged sixteen, and until then I was a perfectly normal girl, albeit bisexual to a degree. That is to say, I was never a tomboy, nor did I ever wish to be anything but female. Well, there may have been those highly masculine sexual fantasies and dreams the year before last. And there was that time when, aged eleven, I wore short hair and a grey hoodie, and gazed into the mirror wondering if there was any chance people might think I was a boy. And the little disappointment when my breasts started to grow and 'disguising myself as a boy' became more difficult. But I never actually thought 'I am a boy' or even 'I want to be a boy'. As a child, I fantasised about being a mother one day, and was genuinely pleased when my period started. I was a woman in my first romantic and sexual thoughts.
Yet, now that I have mentally transitioned, things being any other way is unimaginable. I find myself entirely disconnected to who I was in the past, and I can only envision one future for myself. It is as if I have always been a guy. I can't imagine being in a straight relationship with a man, and the lesbian relationship I had two years ago is incomprehensible to me now. Being called a girl, looking like a girl, is intolerable, etc.
So what caused the sudden change? Likely, it was finding out that there actually is such a thing a transgender. Until a couple of years ago I had no idea that such a thing existed. In Estonian, my first language, there are no separate words for 'sex' and 'gender', and the English-speaking people around me used them interchangeably. I started to question my gender identity when I found out there was such a thing as gender identity. Before then, I was a girl because I had girl bits. I never really thought about what being a man or being a woman meant.
So, my questions to you experts at psychology who have had the patience to read through this silly rambling, are:
-Was mine a simple case of self-discovery through enlightenment, or did my gender actually change?
-If so, is this 'change' legitimate, or is this just a phase? Do I really have the right to call myself a legitimate trans man?
I do wonder sometimes.
P.S. This is probably more appropriately discussed face-to-face with a counsellor. Unfortunately, I don't have one.
Gender doesn't change so I would have to say it is a matter of self discovery.
I'd say that you're right about it having to do with you finding out about ->-bleeped-<-/transsexuality. I can sort of relate to what you're saying. I Can pretty much summarize how it is for me by saying that I always felt like something was off and was always searching for something that would explain why I was different, and when I finally started thinking this may be it (and actually thought about it instead of brushing it off like I'd done in the past), I feel like there's no way I can go back to "accepting that I'm female". Even though I still don't quite have that "I'm a guy" feeling, at least not all the time.
I had the thoughts of wanting to be a boy when I was younger. I was also always a tomboy. But I had an "anatomy lesson" from a strange man in a park. Then I made curtain by pantsing my brother...I decided then that I had to be a girl on the outside because that's what my junk was. Are stories are different but with what that stranger told me if I'd never heard the term Transgender I would have never known I was actually a guy.
If this is a new discovery try living as a guy with some of your friends. Feel it out and see how it feels to you. I hear it can be weird at first to be called by male pronouns (wasn't for me, so either way is normal), but at least you'll get a feel for it.
If male pronouns aren't your thing, try neutral pronouns. Transness is as much a spectrum as gender and no certain way is lesser than another.
No matter be you, do what makes you feel happy and try not to let others fill your head with crap and make you feel like you're wrong.
Best of luck to you in you journey of self discovery. :)
Algernon,
First, I'd like to say that you have found the right place for such a discussion. It sounds as though you are probably transgender. Transgender, is an umbrella term that includes transsexuals, cross dressers, non-binaries, ->-bleeped-<-s, gender non conforming, gender fluid and gender queer individuals. Everyone's transgender experience is different, depending on the person. Gender falls on a spectrum and it may take you years of self exploration before you will understand where your own identify falls so you can bring forth your own authentic self. This is your journey. I would highly recommend that you find a gender therapist, but, if one is not available, you could find books to educate yourself with as well. There are books that cover gender studies, human sexuality and self help/support books for transgender people. You could do a search for books like these on places online such as Amazon and you there, you could also read reviews of the books as well. I also recommend watching FTM videos on YouTube. Sometimes hearing the personal stories from other trans guys may help you as well, although, be careful with this in that you need to keep in mind that the experiences of others may or may not apply to you. There is also knowing the difference between fantasy vs reality. I have read about some folks who, for whatever reason, perhaps abuse, developed personality disorders. That is not to say that you are imagining that you are transgender, but you should continue to question what sorts of things brought this out. Many of us have uncovered many telltale signs that point to the fact we are trans. It comes up in moments as far back as each childhood and especially (for me anyway) during those puberty years! You are fortunate that you have already learned this about yourself at such a young age. I'm 46 years old and am only a few months into my transition, but I am still pre-T and pre-op. Also, everyone transitions differently. Not everyone pursues a medical transition, so my advice to you is to take things slowly and see what feels right to you. You could start by changing your style of dress and hair. Without knowing your personal life situation, you may want to secretly cross dress when you are alone at home. Do you have close friends whom are trustworthy you can talk to and come out to? Is there a GLBT support group or community in your area? You need to get in touch with a local community if you can and find friends for emotional support. Best of luck and I hope I've given you some ideas.
Hugs,
Miles
Thanks to you all for your kind support. Hearing that I'm not the only one who isn't a 'textbook case' is just what I need at the moment. I do like it when people use male pronouns about me rather than female or gender neutral ones. I've come out to my close friends and they are supportive and do their best to get the pronouns right. I have also changed my wardrobe, which has led my mother to believe I'm having a cross-dressing phase. I tried explaining how things are to her but she was incapable of believing her darling daughter could be anything but her darling daughter. That's forgivable considering I sometimes have difficulty believing it as well. My dad is more supportive but he won't refer to me as his son because we live in a small and fairly conservative town. Then there's the matter of his highly religious parents. There aren't any GLBT groups close enough to attend regularly, only Internet ones such as this. So again, thank you guys, the mere fact that you also exist means a lot to me.
Don't forget to look too YouTube too. I've seen a couple guys on there that were actually beauty pageant fellas. It takes all kinds. This is a nice community as well. I don't post as much as I read and boy has reading itself been helpful and when I post I have the same to say.
It's great that your friends are accepting even in your town.Your parents should come around and it's great that your dad seems to be accepting and that's promising.