Hello all I'm Natalie from Texas. I'm new to the forum but I've been lurking for years and the advice is truly the best.
I am 19 now and I'm going to school for computer science. I started transitioning at 17, and lucky to have understanding parents. I am passing completely now and am currently in a relationship for a year. So here is my concerns. Please excuse me if my post gets graphic, if that kind of thing upsets you please stop reading and if you're reading this for some kind of thrill, please also stop reading.
I met my boy friend a year ago. He accepts me for me, he's never laid a hand on me. But some things bother me about our intimate relationship. He likes me to be on top in that reverse cowgirl thing, which is fun except that my bits tend to flop around quite a bit, I'm quite endowed so it's painful, I've asked him to stop and I always end up in that position because he sweet talks me and I don't want to ruin the moment. Another thing that recently disturbed me is that he talks me I to taking cialis or viagra even though I refuse to penetrate him I end up getting random erections. There has also been times where I think he put some in a drink of mine because I get that same feeling of random erections. We were at the movies and he was kissing my neck etc and again it happened. Am I so naive to think he truly loves me? I don't know what to do. If I break up with him I think he'll be really mad.
Thanks,
Nat
I dont know girl, the drugged drink thing raises a huge flag... how often is this? Is he open when you try to discuss your intimate positions? I don't wanna advise you wrong, bc i will feel terrible if you try to put your foot down and he does something horrible. Can you tell us more about his personality / your relationship? Any instances of disrespect for your identity? How do your parents view him? Do you live together?
(mind you the frequency is irrelevant, if its happening AT ALL its NOT OKAY) I'm just trying to gauge the situation/his agression..
If you aren't comfortable then there is definitely an issue. It's as simple as that for me. I dunno. If he's drugging you even worse. I would run.
Ignoring your boundaries and possibly spiking your drink is not ok.
I too was in an abusive relationship for two years. Physical fighting constantly, finally I smashed the bathroom trashcan over his head and left him. But DONT DO THAT! I have come to terms with my problems that stemmed from such abuse, and I've learned there is so much more to a man than his control. I understand how trapped and alone you feel love, stay strong, and keep paying attention to his little nuances for those can be useful indicators of a major problem. What previous actions have helped you come to believe he would be really angry about you leaving him? Maybe distancing yourself from him will help those crazy traits surface? Could you stay at your folks'?
Remember: NO MEANS NO!
And there's not any amount of sweet talk that can change that...if he insists on riding you in a way that is uncomfortable (or worse, painful), that is a deal-breaker, period full stop.
Drugging you against you will ( whether by begging/sweet talking) or by sneaky methods is another deal breaker.
Whether or not it's abusive, it sounds like your relationship is an unhealthy one. Better to be single than be raped at random times (or anytime, for that matter)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on March 04, 2015, 03:39:57 PM
Remember: NO MEANS NO!
And there's not any amount of sweet talk that can change that...if he insists on riding you in a way that is uncomfortable (or worse, painful), that is a deal-breaker, period full stop.
Drugging you against you will ( whether by begging/sweet talking) or by sneaky methods is another deal breaker.
Whether or not it's abusive, it sounds like your relationship is an unhealthy one. Better to be single than be raped at random times (or anytime, for that matter)
Amen.
It's still rape if at any time during the act you withdraw your consent and he doesn't stop.
You need to communicate with him. All of your issues and concerns. Explain that you have some expectations he is not meeting, and that you are not ok with performing sexually in certain positions. If he keeps trying to convince you to do things you're uncomfortable with you need to stop that moment and leave the room. As long as he has your implicit consent and you stay quiet, he will not know how much it bothers you.
Drink water, and pay attention to your glass in general, with or without your boyfriend. I have heard of guys slipping viagra/cialis into their girlfriend's drink before, but it is so they are in the mood for sex more. It doesn't make it ok, however guys aren't always well known for being considerate.
Worse comes to worse, get a nanny-cam and set it up pointing toward your dinner table. Or get a purse-cam and set it on the table with your drink and look at the footage in private after. If your suspicions are confirmed, then you confront him and most-likely break up with him.
I would say that trust issues are probably the biggest concern in your relationship. Although it doesn't fit typical abuse patterns based on the information you provided in the OP. I have been through a lot of abuse, and I hope that your relationship doesn't spiral or escalate into abuse cycles. Feel free to PM me if you want further advice outside of this thread.
Take care, hugs,
- Katie
Welcome to the forum. If you are not comfortable doing something and have said so he continually pressures or trick you into doing it then yes it is abusive. Yes, raising it with him might make him angry, if you are concerned for your safety you should talk to someone who might be able to support and help you in standing up to him. Just because "he accepts you as you are" is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship. You might love him but if he can't respect your boundaries then how much of that love is truly being reciprocated?
Drugged + doing things you are not comfortable with = ABUSE.
I can shed some light on his personality. He's extremely manipulative, and I've allowed it to get out of hand. I've moved away from where my parents live to be with him. He's bought me implants, which he chose the size and style, and they're enormous. I have a slight frame and I'm only 5'2" I was a 32c cup before and now I can't even find bras in my size. They're 500 cc and high profile, luckily they're healed, but they're heavy. The reason I think he slips me drugs is because by the time we get home from dinner or whatever I have a difficult time with the erections and I didn't even get them before I met him. Does cialis or viagra linger? I do realize now that I've been used and manipulated. I have friends, and I can learn to live with the implants maybe. I have friends who can take me in but they're all his friends. I gave a bit of savings, I'm thinking of just leaving.
Trust your instincts. This guy sounds like a creep to me. Way too many red flags...
Hugs,
Jill
Quote from: natalie19 on March 04, 2015, 04:25:58 PM
I can shed some light on his personality. He's extremely manipulative, and I've allowed it to get out of hand. I've moved away from where my parents live to be with him. He's bought me implants, which he chose the size and style, and they're enormous. I have a slight frame and I'm only 5'2" I was a 32c cup before and now I can't even find bras in my size. They're 500 cc and high profile, luckily they're healed, but they're heavy. The reason I think he slips me drugs is because by the time we get home from dinner or whatever I have a difficult time with the erections and I didn't even get them before I met him. Does cialis or viagra linger? I do realize now that I've been used and manipulated. I have friends, and I can learn to live with the implants maybe. I have friends who can take me in but they're all his friends. I gave a bit of savings, I'm thinking of just leaving.
Youre heads in the right place girl. You sound like a very smart woman. You deserve better than some manipulative doucher.. I would advise staying away from his friends, for their loyalty is most likely with him. Plus he can keep tabs on you there. Is there anywhere else? And i'm sure those drugs do linger in your bloodstream.. Every drug does, even roofies does for 24 hrs only though (if I remember correctly)..
More and more I would have to say get out, run. Go back home if you need to. Right now your safety is paramount and he might not be hitting yet but he is giving signs that the beatings might come.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odcCzb-h3Fo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odcCzb-h3Fo)
Cialis stays in your system 72 hours.
From what you said his actions cause you physical and mental pain. He dismisses how you feel and continues relations when you withdraw consent. What do you think will happen next?
Trust your instincts.
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Quote from: White Rabbit on March 04, 2015, 04:36:43 PM
More and more I would have to say get out, run. Go back home if you need to. Right now your safety is paramount and he might not be hitting yet but he is giving signs that the beatings might come.
They're right girly.. I wouldnt stay. You deserve so much more! Is your folks' place an option?? You said they are accepting, did you have a falling out over this guy? if so dont be afraid to go home bc they would love nothing more than to see you away from him (thats if the previous question is reality) regardless im sure they would love to have you home, right? Surely its a great improvement from where you are now! Please be safe, I don't know you from Adam but I already wanna cut the dude... and like katie said, feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I have some great ears :P
Much love <3
-Serenity Faith
omg that's awful. he sounds like a creep but if you are financially dependant on him you might have to stay unless you can find some friends to live with. do u have any friends who can support you while you get back on your feet. just an idea. it's your choice whether or not you stay with this man.
Thank you everyone for the kind words of encouragement. I'm saving some money, by the end of the month I'm leaving. Just gotta tough it out till then. I'm OK with receiving pm too.
Nat
Natalie, from what you wrote I think leaving is the right decision! Just be careful until you can!
Hmmm sounds a creep, get away and if he troubles you more then seek help.
As mentioned just way to many big red flags... Take care and look after yourself.
Lots of hugs Katy
Just stay safe. Any signs of him getting worse then get to a shelter if it means you will be safe.
Jersey Bluntness Warning This guy sounds like a manipulative ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- that wants his own trans porn star waiting for him at home every night after work.
While there is a chance since you are still in the right age bracket for raging hormones that there may be more then an AA can keep up with, given the pushing of ED drugs seems like the more likely cause of spontaneous erections. If you are going out having dinner and drinks, spiking one may be easy. It all depends how easy either drug actually dissolves in the liquid.
Decades ago when I gave up my dream of transitioning, for a while I did the next best thing, I dated and had some semi-long term relationships with transwomen. I had some first hand knowledge of how they wanted to be seen and treated. As in like women and not that other phrase. In my very limited experience not a one was comfortable about her dangly bits. All it took was one politely being told "No".
I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. I know he has a temper, he hasn't hit me but he has gotten rough during sex, etc. But to stay safe I have to just go along with things until I can get away. Physically I am a small person, so there is no way I can over power him. I have to continue like nothing is amiss. He always claims that he got me the implants for me, but I'm not that naive. Since I got them he's almost dictated what tops I wear, always to show cleavage, for the past four months I've lugged them around. And about respecting my bits, he never has, he tugs too hard when he does, and he has some perversion about it flopping around. Sorry to dump this all out there I just have no one to talk to this about.
I am a retired Deputy Sheriff. Girl, LEAVE NOW! Do not wait and stay with friends or a battered women's shelter, just get out of there. I hope you listen to my advice before another Deputy is running your homicide or battery call. I am serious, leave now not later. I will beg you to leave if it will help any. I have a spare room you can use rent free if you can get to OKC.
Even if your suspicions about the drugging turn out to be untrue he's not respecting your wishes & boundries, that is wrong.
He's controlling you, leave him.
I've never met Jessica but I trust & respect her, if you have no other options then please seriously consider her offer.
Leave him, even if the only thing you can take are the clothes you are wearing, you deserve better
If you take the things that you need and go to somewhere you feel safe, you can have the luxury of weighing your options and/or deciding what you want to do and who you want to be with. There are women's shelters you can go to, possibly your parents? I don't know how isolated you are, but you can always make new friends and find new options for yourself.
You've stated that your boyfriend is controlling and not particularly gentle, but you haven't said whether you want to leave him. Whether or not you choose to do so, you can make that decision when you are in a place where you feel safe.
None of us know how much you may or may not depend on him. We don't know all the things you have experienced with him or want to. We don't know if he is redeemable, or a selfish jerk. We don't know how well or poorly you two communicate. These are all things you have to figure out and come to terms with, outside of anyone else's influence.
It's easy for us to jump to conclusions because we don't have a full picture. It's easy for us to say what you should do because we don't have to be in your shoes. No one deserves to be mistreated, but you can stand up for yourself and reclaim your self-esteem. This is your life, you have to assert yourself to get what you want. You have options, and the power to choose.
What do YOU want?
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
i think Obfuskatie and th others said it a lot better than i can, but firstly you seem like a very intelligent and decent person, and 2nd this guy sounds like a psycho creep.
You deserve a LOT better!
Ok. So I'm on way back to my hometown. I got a bus ticket for cheap. I left him a note and asked him not to contact me. I've already changed my number. I got like a 2 day bus ride but I'll have my phone and Internet access. It kind of came to a head earlier today because again I got an erection at work of all places. I went to the bathroom and was in there for like 45 minutes just willing it to go down. So when I got home I searched the place and found a lot of cialis. So he was just planning on keeping me on the stuff. So I packed a bag and took a cab down to the bus station. I'm here for another few hours till the bus takes off. Thanks for the advice.
Oh, Natalie I'm so sorry that happened! What an absolute monster!! I hope you have stay safe and I'm glad you got out of that! <3 Hugs and blessings!!
Good for you, Natalie! What he did to you was criminal. I hope you never have to deal with him nor anyone else like that ever again.
Be safe and hugs,
Jill
You're a strong woman to have taken that step. Big hugs
He will more than likely try to contact you regardless of your wishes, stand firm in your belief that you're doing the right thing.
Tell whoever you're staying with that you do not want to speak to him & ask them to help keep an eye out should he try to track you down.
If he does approach you then tell him firmly that it is over & he is not to come near you, do not hesitate to call the police if he doesn't take the warning to stay away.
He's obviously been trying to control you & he may try to play on your emotions to get you back, please don't go back under any circumstance
Big hugs from me & an even bigger hug from my Poopie
I'm so happy for you, Natalie!
Do you think he knows where your hometown is?
Quote from: natalie19 on March 05, 2015, 06:18:49 PM
Ok. So I'm on way back to my hometown. I got a bus ticket for cheap. I left him a note and asked him not to contact me. I've already changed my number. I got like a 2 day bus ride but I'll have my phone and Internet access. It kind of came to a head earlier today because again I got an erection at work of all places. I went to the bathroom and was in there for like 45 minutes just willing it to go down. So when I got home I searched the place and found a lot of cialis. So he was just planning on keeping me on the stuff. So I packed a bag and took a cab down to the bus station. I'm here for another few hours till the bus takes off. Thanks for the advice.
Thats what im talking about! Good for you love!! :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:
I'm so glad you got out of there! Please let us know how things are going -- I hope the bus ride goes OK! Hugs!
Almost home another 12 hours on this bus.
Quote from: natalie19 on March 06, 2015, 10:01:37 AM
Almost home another 12 hours on this bus.
The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round,
'round and 'round
'round and 'round
The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round
all through the town!
(A bit of singing to lighten the mood...stay safe!)
Thanks for letting us know :).
Leave him. Before it's too late.
Good decision Natalie...
Hugs
Katy
Sorry Mr driver but I've got a question......
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
:D :D
sorry for posting here, but i just gotta say something:
what kind of freak puts Cialis in his trans-girlfriend's food or drink? scratch that, who does that to ANYONE? And especially with someone suffering from dysphoria, elevating the symptoms. i just have no words for this. i hope he never sees you again Natalie. I don't know you, but i'm sure you deserve much better.
I got home last night very late and I just crashed. I'm staying with a friend, I'll be here till I can find some work and get a place of my own. He's tried to find out where I am. He's sent me emails but I've been ignoring them. The bus ride was arduous to say the least. My back is killing me from all those hours sitting upright in those seats. Sat next to some nice people and one woman who figures me for trans, she had way too many questions, but they were tasteful at least. My parents know I'm back home but they've been divorced for a number of years and they have their own families and such so I didn't want to impose on them and they haven't seen me with the big implants and such.
I was only able to pack a few days worth of clothing so I'm hitting the goodwill today to find some tops that fit better and Monday my friend is taking me to a bra fitting so hopefully I can get more support than these flimsy sports bras are giving me. Riding alone in a bus for so long makes you think. I feel so stupid for being controlled so much that he changed my body in a way I didn't want. My GD isn't usually bad but since these erections it gets way worse. Luckily I wore a long skirt and was able to hide them while I was on the bus. I'd they continue I'll have to go see a doctor and find out why it's happening. Cialis doesn't change hormone levels as far as I know, but who knows what else he did to me.
Everyone has been so helpful, so if you have questions about, getting implants, or transitioning, just message me if anyone is too shy to ask on a forum. It's the least I can do.
Loves,
Nat
Glad to hear that you are safe.
Natalie, I'm glad you made it home safely!
Hugs
Adrian
glad you made it home safely too.
There are warnings on Viagra (and probably cialis) that if an erection doesn't go away in 4 hours, to see a doctor. That would be an ER visit, btw. It's called "priapism" if I remember correctly.
Otherwise, good news, happy to hear you're safe!
Quote from: natalie19 on March 07, 2015, 10:03:10 AM
I got home last night very late and I just crashed. I'm staying with a friend, I'll be here till I can find some work and get a place of my own. He's tried to find out where I am. He's sent me emails but I've been ignoring them. The bus ride was arduous to say the least. My back is killing me from all those hours sitting upright in those seats. Sat next to some nice people and one woman who figures me for trans, she had way too many questions, but they were tasteful at least. My parents know I'm back home but they've been divorced for a number of years and they have their own families and such so I didn't want to impose on them and they haven't seen me with the big implants and such.
I was only able to pack a few days worth of clothing so I'm hitting the goodwill today to find some tops that fit better and Monday my friend is taking me to a bra fitting so hopefully I can get more support than these flimsy sports bras are giving me. Riding alone in a bus for so long makes you think. I feel so stupid for being controlled so much that he changed my body in a way I didn't want. My GD isn't usually bad but since these erections it gets way worse. Luckily I wore a long skirt and was able to hide them while I was on the bus. I'd they continue I'll have to go see a doctor and find out why it's happening. Cialis doesn't change hormone levels as far as I know, but who knows what else he did to me.
Everyone has been so helpful, so if you have questions about, getting implants, or transitioning, just message me if anyone is too shy to ask on a forum. It's the least I can do.
Loves,
Nat
Good for you!!!! Now you need to take a day or two for Natalie and RELAXX :) and life is crazy ain't it?! I'm only about three years older than you, so I'm learning all those crazy lessons too, we learn a lot about ourselves and all the crazy people in the world along the way lol and we get a hell of a lot stronger! :) I'm proud of you girl! Im happy you're gonna stick around the forums I wanna keep up with how you are :) :P This is like the perfect ending to a bad story! ;D
Quote from: Jayne on March 07, 2015, 05:15:20 AM
Sorry Mr driver but I've got a question......
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
:D :D
LOL
I would run away and very quickly at that.
I was physically and sexually abused by a past boyfriend and I would say flee while you are still able to do so.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Yay Natalie!
you made the right move.
Like Jessica I am an ex LEO myself. I saw all sorts of cases about young girls getting caught up with empty promises, drugs and the like.
I would go to a doctor and get checked out ASAP. Maybe even see if you can file charges against this creep. Then again you want him out your life so it's up to you.
Hi Natalie,
Remember, do not answer any messages from him. If you can, block his e-mail. You may want to get a new phone and e-mail address.
Hello Natalie, I'm very sorry to hear all you going, yeas ago I was also in very abusive relationship and believe me it was a very very bad relationship and for a really long time but today I thank God for my husband I guess I couldn't find someone so special. well I know the moment is not adequate but I would like to ask you about your silicon implants. I'm almost 1 and half post op and they still hurt, how long after your op had you still pain? and after some time do the breast get more flexible? my skin is already very soft but the implants are still a little static. Wish you all good. xoxo
Quote from: Brasileira on March 07, 2015, 07:02:49 PM
Hello Natalie, I'm very sorry to hear all you going, yeas ago I was also in very abusive relationship and believe me it was a very very bad relationship and for a really long time but today I thank God for my husband I guess I couldn't find someone so special. well I know the moment is not adequate but I would like to ask you about your silicon implants. I'm almost 1 and half post op and they still hurt, how long after your op had you still pain? and after some time do the breast get more flexible? my skin is already very soft but the implants are still a little static. Wish you all good. xoxo
Not a problem at all. I'm 6 months or so post op. I still have pain, mostly on the underside of my breasts, mostly if I go braless for a time. There could also be a bit of scar tissue forming. My surgeon gave me some massages I do everyday to keep the implant pockets from forming that scar tissue. I do them in the morning just after my shower. It's also important to find the right bra. The bra cup should support the implant as much as it does the whole breast. I'm still fighting with finding a good bra. I'm currently wearing a 34g but I need a different style. My skin is still quite tight but I have very large implants. I was told overtime that the skin will get more flexible. I lotion with vitamin e to prevent stretch marks. You can search YouTube for the exercises there are many videos just stop if you feel pain or discomfort. How big did you go if you don't mind me asking?
I've thought about getting the authorities involved but then I'd have to see him again. Then I'd have to travel all the way to Oregon to talk to a detective and the investigation stuff. Besides, if he did go to jail, he might like it too much. My number has been changed, email accounts deleted even. No one from there knows my new information. My friend has been kind and I have enough savings to support myself for a few months. I might have to space out my HRT if I can't get medication refills. But I'll be looking for a job this week. I can waitress if I need too.
I'm so proud of you, sweetie. :)
*hugs*
Hi Natalie, I am sorry to hear all that you have gone through, but also happy that you are finally safe. I think you should be proud of yourself for the courage you have shown so far, and for thinking calmly about what you want to do now and whether you want to involve the police etc. Do not let your past experience make you feel stupid or anything. In fact, it only makes you wiser and better prepared to face the world and build a better future for yourself.
Take care
Cindy
Hi again Natalie, forgive my ignorance I don't know how to quote a text and continue from it :) I have implants of 300 ml left side and 325 ml right side, and in the moment I still don't know what size I have cruz I'm still wearing the post operative bra and sport bra their size are C/D cup, they look I bit bigger from what I want because I forgot to count the size I had before the implants I had a small B cup and the doctor told me I should end up with a big Ccup but they look very natural and not exaggerated cause they are implants with anatomic form he told me when I get a round implant that would probably look artificial and like a porno actress.
Are you still safe? Hugs Shannon
Quote from: natalie19 on March 04, 2015, 03:21:54 PM
Hello all I'm Natalie from Texas. I'm new to the forum but I've been lurking for years and the advice is truly the best.
I am 19 now and I'm going to school for computer science. I started transitioning at 17, and lucky to have understanding parents. I am passing completely now and am currently in a relationship for a year. So here is my concerns. Please excuse me if my post gets graphic, if that kind of thing upsets you please stop reading and if you're reading this for some kind of thrill, please also stop reading.
I met my boy friend a year ago. He accepts me for me, he's never laid a hand on me. But some things bother me about our intimate relationship. He likes me to be on top in that reverse cowgirl thing, which is fun except that my bits tend to flop around quite a bit, I'm quite endowed so it's painful, I've asked him to stop and I always end up in that position because he sweet talks me and I don't want to ruin the moment. Another thing that recently disturbed me is that he talks me I to taking cialis or viagra even though I refuse to penetrate him I end up getting random erections. There has also been times where I think he put some in a drink of mine because I get that same feeling of random erections. We were at the movies and he was kissing my neck etc and again it happened. Am I so naive to think he truly loves me? I don't know what to do. If I break up with him I think he'll be really mad.
Thanks,
Nat
I've been taking hormones and tbkocker for 10 years now... And when my bf kiss me I get an erection... I think it's because I know it's him and I have feelings for him... I think it's all in the mind...