So yesterday, I encountered an issue I've not really had until now..
at work it was super busy people coming in constantly (I work at a deli in a supermarket) and several people who knew me before I came out as trans appeared! Mostly people from the local community college/my old church..
Oh my gods! It was awful! My old name and male pronouns flying all over the place. Luckily there weren't any people, outside of those saying the things, really paying attention, but it was a nice huge trigger for some dysphoric explosion!
Anyway, I noticed that I felt bad about wanting to correct them and ultimately didn't.. part of this came from fear of prolonging our encounters and also possibly really drawing attention to me. Part of it is that I'm very non confrontational, and I suppose I feared the slight discomfort of sorting telling people what to do.. this is a lifelong trait of mine.. people pleaser to the max! But while that's all well and good.. I need to let people know that I have a new name and am transitioning.. so they won't freaking do that again. lol! But of course I don't want to do it at work in front of tons of strangers who don't know! Eeep!
Anyway, there's a little thing from my life! :)
Damara, can I just say, I feel u.
The maintenance guy at work is forever referring to me with the wrong pronouns, and I'm fairly sure he's the only one that does (without instantly correcting themselves and being sincerely apologetic) . It's been really bugging me lately but yet I cannot say anything to him at all. I'm waiting for one particular manager to get back from holidays to ask her to tell him, and even still I'm worried that may all just backfire.
If only there was a wand we could wave to make them stop, ey?
Damara I know what you're going through. This is happening to me now as I am going through the excact same thing at my work, and face a simmilar situation.
Unfortunetly your long time regulars will still reconise you as your old (blah) gender. Once hormones, make up, laser, hair and other subtle changes take effect (In this case I'm talking from the M2F side) those mistakes will stop happening eventually. New people who see you will generally gender you corectly. Others will just not gender you at all
When it has come to telling my regulars, I have either waited till the final few hours when its quiet with a "NO lass, she, mam, this girl is ect). Or when its busy the same thing in a harsher tone and the place is so busy and my voice tells them they must move on.
I also have a tendency to speak in the third person sometimes and use female pronouns. People soon get the idea
Hope this helps
Quote from: Damara on March 05, 2015, 12:11:01 AM
So yesterday, I encountered an issue I've not really had until now..
at work it was super busy people coming in constantly (I work at a deli in a supermarket) and several people who knew me before I came out as trans appeared! Mostly people from the local community college/my old church..
Oh my gods! It was awful! My old name and male pronouns flying all over the place. Luckily there weren't any people, outside of those saying the things, really paying attention, but it was a nice huge trigger for some dysphoric explosion!
Anyway, I noticed that I felt bad about wanting to correct them and ultimately didn't.. part of this came from fear of prolonging our encounters and also possibly really drawing attention to me. Part of it is that I'm very non confrontational, and I suppose I feared the slight discomfort of sorting telling people what to do.. this is a lifelong trait of mine.. people pleaser to the max! But while that's all well and good.. I need to let people know that I have a new name and am transitioning.. so they won't freaking do that again. lol! But of course I don't want to do it at work in front of tons of strangers who don't know! Eeep!
Anyway, there's a little thing from my life! :)
Oh, Damera that is really hard. In the short term you dealt with it the best you could. Sometimes being non confrontational is the most expedient means of getting the encounter over and done with. Not that it doesn't prolong the GD, but it at least ends the interaction as quickly as possible. Keep up you chin lady, if you keep working hard maybe you could score a transfer to another town. Getting away from the nest is sometimes for the best, especially when you spread your wings butterfly.
Hugs,
-Alana
Sounds like your survival instinct was working very well. Always listen to it girl. Something may have happened very negatively if you had said something and your mind said hush. I think you are doing a fantastic job myself girl and don't worry, we all have days like that. :)
Quote from: Tripdistrans on March 05, 2015, 01:15:57 AM
Damara, can I just say, I feel u.
The maintenance guy at work is forever referring to me with the wrong pronouns, and I'm fairly sure he's the only one that does (without instantly correcting themselves and being sincerely apologetic) . It's been really bugging me lately but yet I cannot say anything to him at all. I'm waiting for one particular manager to get back from holidays to ask her to tell him, and even still I'm worried that may all just backfire.
If only there was a wand we could wave to make them stop, ey?
I'm sorry that happens to you, Tripdistrans! I have some male coworkers that do the same! My female coworkers are awesome though..
Quote from: immortal gypsy on March 05, 2015, 01:52:26 AM
Damara I know what you're going through. This is happening to me now as I am going through the excact same thing at my work, and face a simmilar situation.
Unfortunetly your long time regulars will still reconise you as your old (blah) gender. Once hormones, make up, laser, hair and other subtle changes take effect (In this case I'm talking from the M2F side) those mistakes will stop happening eventually. New people who see you will generally gender you corectly. Others will just not gender you at all
When it has come to telling my regulars, I have either waited till the final few hours when its quiet with a "NO lass, she, mam, this girl is ect). Or when its busy the same thing in a harsher tone and the place is so busy and my voice tells them they must move on.
I also have a tendency to speak in the third person sometimes and use female pronouns. People soon get the idea
Hope this helps
Gypsy thank you for your words! Just having solidarity helps a lot! Most strangers
do gender me as female which I am so thankful for. Although that doesn't seem to help my confidence much. I am maybe going to go to the college these people work at and explain to them to not use the old words anymore.. I think that'd be my best shot.
Quote from: Alana_Jane on March 05, 2015, 09:26:33 AM
Oh, Damera that is really hard. In the short term you dealt with it the best you could. Sometimes being non confrontational is the most expedient means of getting the encounter over and done with. Not that it doesn't prolong the GD, but it at least ends the interaction as quickly as possible. Keep up you chin lady, if you keep working hard maybe you could score a transfer to another town. Getting away from the nest is sometimes for the best, especially when you spread your wings butterfly.
Hugs,
-Alana
Thank you, Alana! Yes! I agree! I am planning on moving within this year! Although it's a very scary prospect my life is this place is limited..
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 05, 2015, 11:49:59 AM
Sounds like your survival instinct was working very well. Always listen to it girl. Something may have happened very negatively if you had said something and your mind said hush. I think you are doing a fantastic job myself girl and don't worry, we all have days like that. :)
Jessica you are so sweet! Thank you! I don't know if I'm doing all that great but I'm trying so hard! <3 My survival instinct is usually to flee.. If I can't I try not to exacerbate a situation. It could have resulted in a lot of questioning and confusion that would have drawn a lot of attention to me, so I'm not too upset about not saying anything.. I just wish I didn't have to say anything. lol! Don't we all.. ::)
Yep, I'm with ya Damara.
I'm out to only a few people, so when I'm around those who don't yet know (not ready to tell) I have to bite my cheek and ignore the mis-gendering! Breathe deep and know you are not alone!
Lorenz
This is the hardest part of what we go through in life. It is amazing how those little pronouns can be so hurtful. So I completely understand your anxiety. If it were coworkers, I would politely ask them to use your preferred name and pronouns. I'm afraid that if you ask the customers, they could complain to your manager. It's usually illegal to let someone go because they are trans now, but we know it happens all the time. I guess I'm saying, just ignore the customers. Do you wear a name tag? Display it proudly when they come in. If you see them again, strike up a conversation with a coworker, ask the coworker to take care of them and make sure he/she says "Damara asked me to help you. She's pretty busy right now." Think through the possibilities. They are endless. But whatever you do, don't confront the customers. Remember even if they are wrong, they are right.
Chin up!
Cindi
Damara, it does really seem as though female coworkers are so much better at the whole respect thing. When my hiring manager found out, she apparently responded with, 'I hired a female, so they're a girl' (I've yet to find out whether this is true or not), however when I briefly and awkwardly requested she use male pronouns, she was completely okay with it without making a fuss about it, and hasn't even slipped up once since.
Some of the male managers, however, pfftsh. I actually misgendered one manager until he sorted himself out, haha!
Those who knew us before can take the longest time to accept us as we come out and begin our transitions. Patience. If they don't seem to be trying to be deliberately malicious, I always advocate patience and trying to teach (gently!) when possible.
But if someone is being a deliberate ass, feel free to handle them as you wish. You don't have to tolerate people being deliberate asses.
I've found myself in a similar situation. I've been transitioning for several years now, but I still have the weird moments with people who knew me before. I was raised with southern manners so I tend to just bite my tongue and deal with it. What I can say is that the longer you keep presenting as yourself, the less you will get the misgendering. Even people I know who "don't believe" in trans folks as even a Martian concept have started using appropriate pronouns. A few people have actually started avoided using my old name because it confuses everyone else and they get strange looks. In those cases I'm now "hey there, uh, you." Much preferable to me personally.
If you're planning to move and you don't know how people will react to your corrections it may be a good idea to just bide your time. It's frustrating and painful, but if you don't feel safe there may be a reason for that. Always listen to that gut instinct.
*edit for spelling
I've only come out within the last month so this is something that's still happening to me a lot. Not so much with people I've known from years ago, because they probably don't know yet and I'm no where near passing as male, but with people I see day-to-day. They're just innocently saying my old name, or "ladies", or stuff like that - but I feel guilty for correcting them. Just not sure when the right time is.
Nothing helpful to say, but I completely understand where you're coming from.