I am depressed.
It fluctuates a lot, but it seems that it's always there.
Right now, it is taking a lot of effort, just to move my fingers to type. It's as if my fingers weight twelve tons, each....
I feel alone, and I feel sad, and I feel like crying...and I would cry, if I could. But it's hard for me to cry.
I finally told my grandma that I am depressed...and that I have thought about suicide a lot...and my girlfriend knows, too...but even so, it's almost as if they see it as no big deal. Like, "nah, he's fine."
1.) I'M NOT A HE.
2.) I'M NOT FINE.
When I tell them that I sit in my bedroom feeling depressed more or less all of the time, that is what I mean.
I'm so tired of feeling like this.
I try and make jokes, and be happy, but it doesn't work....
I feel like there is nobody I can talk to about stuff.
And I am getting so tired of being called "he"....
It's hurting me to the point that I have considered going on Facebook and changing my gender to "female" and coming out to everybody I know over the internet.
Bad idea, I think.
I wish it would all just END.
Ever since I started to accept my feelings about being trans, the dysphoria (both social and physical) has gotten worse and worse. Which has, in turn, made my depression worse and worse. It seems like it gets harder by the day....
I can't find a video game to play, or movie to watch, or song to sing, or anything to make me feel better, and I can't just sleep 24/7.
When I get a therapist, I will tell them all of this.
I want to get better.
Does anybody have anything that helps them to feel better about themselves?
I used to day dream of a place where I was myself and recognized as such. I don't know as it lessened the depression but it helped keep light of possibility in sight.
There is nothing worse, then going through hell of depression. You wake up each day, not knowing if you will make it
'till night, or you will simply give in, and end it all yourself. The drugs sometimes help, and sometimes make it worse.
Felt like I had no control whatsoever over my own life. But with some help from my family, the people who truly love me, I
managed to get myself out of that hell-hole. It took me a while, but I managed to teach myself how to push trough the day, and keep on fighting.
In the end, it all comes down to helping yourself get up and fight, because without that no one can truly help you, no matter how much they would want to.
To conclude, help yourself, so you could go out into the world, and start truly living, and that will be a cure on it's own.
I was going through the same thing in the first year I was coming to terms with my trans stuff. My depression and dysphoria sky rocketed. For years I abused alcohol trying to cope before coming to terms with myself but of course that didn't work and I just ended up even worst than when I started. What helped me get through it back then was finding a way to express all of my emotions in a positive way. So I started playing guitar again and that's what allowed me to cope. It was my way of surviving. So if you can find some sort of art form where you can express yourself than that might help you too. I didn't have a therapist. I was terrified of telling anyone what I was really going through. So kudos to you for wanting to take that step!
Anyways that was about 6 years ago for me when I was about 19. I started living part time after that but I was living a double life. No one in my life knew yet. My transition has been done in baby steps, like I really took my time with myself and I didn't rush anything. However starting hrt is what ultimately saved my life. Right now life is great I couldn't be happier! Where I' am now is the complete opposite as to where I was back then. I'm living full time, been on hrt for about 3 years now and I'm currently researching surgeons for grs. It does get better I know that sounds super cliche but you can get through this!
Baby Steps.... That's my advice
Looking forward to life as a transwoman is daunting. "Isn't there an easier way?"; we all asked ourselves at least once, or once a hour.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, followed by another, and another..... You made the first most important step, acknowledging the issue, and the second step, wanting to do something different.
Sure, posting on FaceBook is today's equivalent of shouting from the rooftop "I AM TRANS". Otherwise known as jumping into the deep end of the pool. If you don't know how to swim, better hope you are a quick learner or die trying. Not exactly my recommend way of tackling humongous problems.
Almost six years ago now when reached the point I had to do something about being trans, rather then the not doing I had been for the previous 40+ years, I was overwhelmed. Besides that I just had to relocate from living in the shadow of NYC to living in the shadow of an Appalachian mountain in rural WV 3 hours from any major city. Oh yeah, great time and place to "come out", even to myself.
One thing I knew for sure, I knew what Does Not work. Plenty of experience there. So this basic, shy, introvert, loner geek had to stretch herself far out of her comfort zone and try something different yet safe. A Baby Step. Something easy for us but ask any 1 y/o how easy walking is! Especially without a lot of hand-holding or other means of support.
Support, Hey! OK various trans sites are OK for basic info. I found Susan's to be great for real people with real problems and issues like my own. But sitting home alone feeling depressed sucks. Feeling depressed is a lot more fun around other people who felt depressed, maybe still are, over the same things you are. Especially if it isn't a bar. So I totally stretched myself and went in search of a trans support group, or perhaps some T friendly therapist. Eventually I found a "local" support group. Local being only 90 miles away.
I had given myself plenty of reasons to beat myself up. Plus in about 4 months time I packed on a good 30 pounds. I was a hair away from that 200 lb point I swore I would never be in again after having tipped the scales at 250 and dropped to 140-150. Funny, what got my ass motivated to do something about being trans, was the weight. There I was feeling bad about myself and the turn my life took, stuffing my face and thinking "Even if I wanted to I couldn't dress, nothing can possibly fit me now". (Cue the lightning bolt of enlightenment) The very idea that I am denying myself that shocked me, that I didn't even have my trusty ole feel good fallback.
I took Baby Steps. In time I was comfortable enough about being what I am to step outside in the daylight once again as Joanne. Something I hadn't don't in over 30 years. Unlike 30 years earlier there wasn't the "Some guy in a dress" feeling. It was ME, the real and totally genuine me.
I may be far from finished. I may where I am supposed to be. I still live and present as male. Still wish to have been born female. Still dream of a day that perhaps all the pieces will fall into place and I can go for that 100% genuine life, presenting as Joanne and having it all. Today, 90% is great. Far better then negative 33% I was at.
I am still taking Baby Steps. Still sort of working a plan. I knocked off a lot of the low hanging fruit. Climbed up on a few branches that was pretty scary for more rewards. Still looking up at those even scarier branches for some more
I feel this way too sometimes and I'm terribly afraid to come out, because of the circamstances. The difference is that I'm FTM. What makes me feel better is thinking about the future, making plans about it and believe that after a few years I will be able to be myself and everything will be how I want it to be. I just have to cope with the situation I'm in now until then. Also, I try to keep myself busy with something to distract me from the depressing thoughts. You can also try to find other trans people near you, with whom you can talk about stuff and who will accept you. It's good to know that you're not alone in all this.
I feel you I've lived my whole life up until this point depressed and never thought I could come out then finally one day I had a mental break down and was going to kill myself i posted something on fb about 28 years of my life living a lie and being depressed and of course ppl were concerned and my mom texted me and asked what's wrong and since in my head I was just going to end it I just said I want to be a boy. And her response was " I know" my jaw dropped you would never expect how people will react I thought I would lose everyone I ever loved but honestly everyone took it way better then I could have ever imagined! I just put a post on Facebook on New Years right at midnight that I was a man and changed my gender and my name and hit send. Best thing I ever did. Now this Monday I get my first shot of t . I even came out at work to my co workers and owner and everyone uses my name and make pronouns . I never ever dreamed this could really happen for me . So what I'm getting at is please don't give up ! It does and can get better I just got through it myself . I'm glad I'm still here and alive ! Please hang in there!
Quote from: Quinn the Mighty on March 05, 2015, 02:17:12 AM
Ever since I started to accept my feelings about being trans, the dysphoria (both social and physical) has gotten worse and worse. Which has, in turn, made my depression worse and worse. It seems like it gets harder by the day....
I can't find a video game to play, or movie to watch, or song to sing, or anything to make me feel better, and I can't just sleep 24/7.
When I get a therapist, I will tell them all of this.
I want to get better.
Does anybody have anything that helps them to feel better about themselves?
Interesting that you mentioned this, because I came out to my family in November and ever since December I have been going through an extreme emotional crisis. The nature of it conflicts me a lot, I was supposed to be feeling a lot better and that is not the case at all. My crisis are super serious. They occur during any given day, sometimes every single day. It starts with my chest feeling compressed with an unbearable pain - it's the kind of pain that is body consuming, it drives me to the ground, and I barely ever have the strength to get up by myself - somebody always needs to pull me up. It's so scary and it's made me front suicide so, so, so many times. Honestly, I don't know HOW I'm still here.
I'm still unable to unravel why all of this is happening, but in my case, I THINK that it might have something do with the fact that I haven't started transition yet. I feel like each day that goes by is a wasted day because I'm still not who I truly am. That leaves me miserable. I sometimes don't want to go to bed to sleep, so I don't have to get up in the morning, and because I feel like I ain't got things to dream about. I'm hopeless. I can't play video-games either, can't watch TV, nothing distracts me and I just keep feeling this feeling non-stop. I was put on medication but it's ->-bleeped-<-, because I'm still having lots of ups and downs.
My advice to you is to stay strong. Staying strong has been my only real remedy and it's what it's keeping me here, even though it's putting me through hell. Also, do talk to your therapist cuz I am sure they'll be able to help you find what's wrong and what's keeping you sad and depressed like that.
Best of luck, my friend, and all the love and hope to you! I really do hope you get through this and come back in a while from now with awesome news about your life.