I am a female and have been lesbian my whole life. I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year now and she just told me that she is going to transition to a boy.
This came as complete news to me. She has always dressed in boys clothes but most lesbians do. When she told me last night I cried. I have no problem with transgender people but I feel like I have been dumped and like my girlfriend died. I'm scared of who she will become after transitioning will he still be the person I fell in love with? Will I still be attracted to him? I don't want to lose my girlfriend I love her with all my heart and idk how to deal with this.
Anyone else go through this?
Your girlfriend will still be the same person. She will just have a different body. Sit down with her, I guess I should say him now, and tell him about your concerns. Only you know if you are ok with remaining with him once he transitions. If you think you want to stay with him, get some counselling with both of you to help smooth out the transition in your relationship.
sam1234
This is the place to ask, since most people frequenting this section have been through some version of this. :)
First of all, one of the most terrifying times is right after you get that news - there's a million worries all vying for space in your mind, there's no real idea of what's next, and people are lining up to tell you about the doom and gloom.
I was afraid of many of the same things when my wife dropped this bomb on me six years ago. In the end, she is still basically the same person, except that we all grow and change over time (she's not the same person she was 10 years ago, either). Odds are that you will still recognize most of the important personality traits in your partner afterward. However, that doesn't mean there won't be a period of experimentation - like a teenager trying out new identities - that can be unnerving as it's going on. There's no guarantees about your attraction, unfortunately. Plenty of people find that their orientation is flexible enough to make an exception for one person they were already in love with, and there are quite a few lesbians with trans men and straight women with trans women out there. However, not everyone can make that jump, and you shouldn't feel guilty if it turns out you can't; you also cannot control your attractions. That's a long way off, though, and you have some time to see how things play out first.
I also had to go through a period of grieving for the husband I lost, even as I welcomed the wife she was becoming. My advice is always to give yourself space to feel what you need to, communicate as honestly as you can with your partner, and remember that as long as the answer to "Do I want to be in this relationship?" is "yes" there's still hope. (If the answer changes, you'll have to reconsider whether you want to keep trying. But there's no point in borrowing trouble about what your future self might feel, as long as your current self is still committed to the relationship.)
(About half of all relationships do survive transition, according to the only major study I'm aware of on the subject.)
Hey mcintosh,
I'm trans* myself, no significant other, but I can imagine that this must be very difficult for you. Sit down and talk with your so, as much as you need to.
The changes that happen, happen over time, not over night. But your so's changes will inevitably cause you to reevaluate how you identify as well (in terms of orientation) -- allow time for that as well, and make sure your partner gives that time to you.
There's a blog called firsttimesecondtime written by a trans*guy and his wife. They have two children and they both blog about the experience of transitioning. His wife writes about her struggles with suddenly being in a "straight" relationship (having been a proud lesbian before) and how she manages to redefine her perception of herself and their relationship. I find their writings really helpful and encouraging.
Macintosh
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Safe passage on your path.
Je suis un être humain,
Hugs
As it has been said. Communication is the key.
Relationship formed before someone transition are hard at first but many survive. Sadly most do not.
Therapy also a great tool for working through the stress and understanding.
Mrs. Izzy : You're generally such a kind voice that I hate to criticize, but I'm going to ask politely that you not include in your welcoming spiel to new people that "most relationships do not survive." You're an administrator and your voice carries a lot of weight, and that's a damaging message to offer to people who are often here *trying* to keep a relationship together. :( I would have ended up sobbing for days after seeing that.
(As I mentioned, the most recent and comprehensive survey on the subject suggests that it's close to 50-50, which isn't far off the cis divorce rate.)
quote from blueconstancy
I also had to go through a period of grieving for the husband I lost, even as I welcomed the wife she was becoming.
My parents told me something very close to blue's comment on grieving. Even though parents and adult relationships are not the same, there is still a sense of loss. The loss is not confined to the losing of a spouse, but of a way of life that you have had since you were married. If you notice that happening, sit down and talk to your girlfriend. Don't bottle all your feelings up because they are going to come back and haunt you later, only worse.
sam1234
Sam : That's a good way of putting it - the loss of expectations and of the existing life. (In a way I'm lucky, as I know other [cis] people who've simply suffered the loss without any benefits : the woman whose husband moved out while she was at work, the man whose wife is in a wheelchair now, etc.) I totally agree that bottling up feelings is bad, and that sometimes embracing the grief is the best way to heal eventually.