Hello, my name is Allison. I am 39 and all be 40 before to long. I am a MtF and it has been a rocky path over the years.
I am finally coming to terms with who I am along with how to actually express or let others know. I will say that in many cases my feelings of being female goes back to when I was preteen. I can not say that it was age 6,8, or any other number as the reality is that I can not remember much of what I did at those ages. I know that when I was younger I always enjoyed being able to play house with my sister along with playing with her dolls.
I was raised in a middle to lower income class family, mom stayed home and dad worked. I participated in sports as a kid and enjoyed them. I was never the strongest or the fastest, I was the skinny tall kid that most made fun of because of the way I looked. I always wore collared shirts to school and I tried to always present myself as a very clean and well kept person.
I will say that my first time that I truly felt myself was in my teens when my aunt at the time helped me with a Halloween costume. I wanted to be a girl one year and asked if she would help. My aunt was very nice and accepted my request. I spent 3 weekends with her going to thrift shops and similar looking for an outfit and shoes for me to wear. I ended up with a black skirt, black and white top, and black pumps. The shoes had probably a 1" heel on them. The day of Halloween she did my make up and my hair. Prior to doing these she asked how much did I want to look like a girl and be one, I said I want to experience as much as I could, so she helped me shave my legs along with the little hair I had on my arms. I was in awe for probably 30 minutes as I just loved how soft my skin was and I just felt so good. When I got dressed, I wore a bra, panties, pantyhose, skirt, top, and heels. I also had a purse I carried along with me to finish the whole look. After that night, I could only see myself as a girl, and wanted to not change.
Now fast forward many years, I kept the aspect of being a girl behind and did what I could to be the best I could for my parents. I enlisted in the Marine Corp and eventually got married. I did all the things I could to live a male life. There were times that imreallymwanted to let the real me out but was afraid to,say something as I figured it would hurt others. I kept all this locked up inside me and I am still fighting in many aspects as I have on,yo told a very few people so far. I am now going through a divorce, and believe it or not it is not because I told her as I have not. We just grew apart, and I think that being who I am is the reason we grew apart.
I am now starting the process with meeting with a therapist to begin my journey. I am both nervous and excited as I know this journey will have many ups and downs, and that is just something that I will have to deal with. I also know that there are plenty out there who,are happy to help and I wil be looking for that as time comes.
I hope that I will become someone that can contribute and maybe one day help another as they progress.
Welcome, Allison. I, too, was just about to hit 40 when I started to accept myself. I, too, wss ready to divorce my wife when I came out to her. I just didn't want to lie anymore. To myself or to her. It's been tough, but we are actually closer emotionally. We still may separate, but at I know it won't be because of this. [emoji6]
We've all been there, trying to be the "man" we're expected to be. The important thing is that you can be true to yourself.
Welcome & hugs! Remember you are not alone.
Charlotte
Hey Allison!
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Thanks for sharing your story - sounds like a pretty cool aunt! :)
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Cheers
Grace
Hi Allison :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Allison
Welcome to Susan's Family
So many topics to explore and posts to read or write. :icon_paper:
Many article of news, wiki, links ,mine craft and chat
Safe passage on your path.
Je suis un être humain,
Hugs
Welcome to Susan's, Allison. A great introduction.
:)
Hey!
Welcome to Susan's.
Hi Allison, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm up near Boston. Thank you for your service, you can sign in over
at our veterans thread: Roll Call (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,96755.0.html)
See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
I want to thank all of you for your warm welcome and it does mean a lot to see people actually read and comment on the post.
I will do my best to share my experiences as well as any aspects I learn so that others can benefit as I will be as well.