I am going to try and keep this as short as possible and it will hopefully be trigger free. I shall edit as I go along to try and make sure of this.
My mother is visiting tomorrow and she will be staying the whole week. Thankfully she won't be staying with me as my living quarters are too small. But she has chosen a B&B across the road and specifically asked for a room where the window faces the uni (my campus is very picturesque and the University very old and used in a lot of Hollywood films; so this is not a strange request.) She can see my Halls of Residence from her window. So she can see if I'm actually going to Uni or just trying to avoid her whilst she's here.
As for why I might avoid her; to put it as carefully as I can, my mother has always been abusive. And has become more so since I came out. She has demanded that I take her for dinner so we can talk about my transition. She wants me to "stay the way God made you." She refuses to use my name and my pronouns and when she's not using my birth name, she will liberally use words such as daughter and little girl.
I am a thirty year old man, I shouldn't be so terrified of her, but I am. I just want to get it all over and done with.
Oh strength to you M->-bleeped-<-ie, that sounds like an ordeal!
I will pray for your Mom to have a conversion of heart, and for you to hold strong through the week regardless. Something's bound to work!
Emotional abuse can leave scars that are very difficult to overcome. Its not something that happens over night and won't go away over night either.
She is coming to your place, and part of that should entail following the rules of your house. Given what you have told us, that is not likely to happen.
That being said, maybe this is a good time to stand up for yourself. We never get over wanting to be accepted in our parent's eyes, but at some point, we have to live our own lives. People who are abusive often are not that strong in their own right. Put your foot down. ie "this is what I am doing and the way I want to live and if you don't like it, you don't have to stay". I know that sounds harsh, an over time you have probably found it easier to give in than fight, but its time for you to live as you choose.
Give some serious thoughts about what you are willing to sacrifice. You might lose her innitially, but when she finds out that its either have a son or lose altogether, she may well go with the former. After I came out to my family, I lost my brother, whom I had been very close to before coming out, but he eventually got over it and we can talk again.
I think you will feel better if take charge of your life. Be polite about it, but firm. Good luck with what ever you decide and keep us informed.
sam1234
Good luck! I have also been dealing with abusive family members. It sucks, but please remember that you are in charge of your own life, and that you deserve to be treated better.
Take care of yourself.
Keep your chin up man. You can do this, and trust me that I know exactly how this feels. I'm going through it living with my mother right now.
I wish you the best of luck, and if you need to vent at all after the ordeal is done with, we're all here for you.
I'm sorry you are going through this, I know what it is like. I changed my name legally 25 years ago and my father vowed to never speak it and never did. It is possible that you might have to choose yourself over your mothers approval. I hope you can work it out with patience and a firm resolve, and that she will come around.
It could be a long road, you may have to work out the fear angle and learn to have a different response to this clear disrespect of your identity. I wish you the best.
Day one didn't go well.
She loudly said words like 'She' and 'Miss' and 'Madam' whenever the waitress at the restaurant we were at gendered me correctly. Which embarrassed the poor waitress because she thought she'd offended me and made me feel slightly ill.
She also refused to use my name or male pronouns as she felt this was a "silly make believe game" and she wasn't having any part of it.
Six more days to go.
Straight up tell her if she will not use your male name and male pronouns she can sit in her hotel room the whole visit because you will not be near her.
Perhaps start bringing a friend around with you? My roommate is a very easy going, stoic dude and he refuses to put up with anyone using the incorrect name and gender with me. I imagine that would be helpful in your situation.
Good luck, friend. I have abusive family too and I have yet to find the perfect way to deal with them. The last time my father was anywhere near me he pulled the same BS and I was stuck with him for about five days. I finally just told him if he wanted to be an ass I would take out a restraining order. I can't even tell you how much saying that had be quaking in my boots, but I held my ground. My father gave up his little game but only after I made it clear that I was perfectly willing to call the police.
Obviously, I hope that you do not have to take such drastic measures. Have you talked to your mother directly? Maybe just telling her that you won't have anything to do with her unless she shows some molecule of respect, or you can suddenly have a lot of study sessions. I went into the locked area of my library when my father was visiting to make it clear to him that I had a life outside of him that he had no control over.
Ouch. I second Alex and Max... get a friend to join you as an advocate or straight up tell her not to be around you if she's going to keep it up. You don't need the abuse.
You know...I might be the odd one out here
But I thoroughly believe that if she is going to do this to you, you need to tell her flat out that she is not welcome in your life, when she so blatantly insults and disregards you.
If she continues to do it at all, cut her out. Give no quarter, and if you need to, be prepared to burn a bridge already damaged.
I wish I could have taken a friend, but she wouldn't have any of it. She'd start the guilt thing of 'I came all this way to see you...'
My Aunt was there too, but my mother bullies her almost as badly as she does me. My mother is the big boss in our family, everyone is a little bit scared of her.
Today was actually worse than yesterday. I was trying to show her all these amazing things that London had to offer (I took her to the British Museum and she complained about being bored the whole time) but she complained about every little thing. All she wanted to do was "find a nice pub and have a bottle or two of wine."
I was trying to avoid her drinking as she is truly vicious once she gets drunk. But we ended up getting her bottle of wine in the evening when we went to a restaurant. Which ended in her and my Aunt arguing over the bill (my Aunt wanted to pay for my meal, but my mother said - loudly - that if I wanted to be a man so badly then I could pay for it all) and I got the sharp edge of her tongue when I tried to defend my Aunt.
So. ->-bleeped-<-ing. Tired.
Your mom sounds like my grandmother. I haven't come out to my grandmother because of how she is... I'm kinda just waiting for her to die.
So sorry you are dealing with this. Clearly she just wants to hurt you from all sides (if you want to be a man you get the crappy parts of being a man, but then she belittles your identity and won't even let you have the good parts like being called sir as a term of respect).
It's messed up and cruel. Message me if you ever need to talk about parents with these issues. I've been dealing with it my whole life, too, and recently started a support group.
Hugs, focus on how good it will feel when she has gone home.
Man, this sounds like a nightmare. How many more days? Maybe you could wear headphones when you are around her, just put some great music on ;). Sorry, not helpful.
I hope this passes quickly!
Jibbers Crabst, mate! Why the hell are you putting up with this? I mean, is she paying for your education or are you really hoping to salvage your relationship with her?
I mean, this thing of invalidating your identity for whatever bull->-bleeped-<- reason she has is completely ->-bleeped-<-ed up. NO ONE has the right to do that to you. I don't care if she spent five days in hospital pushing you out, made X amount of sacrifices, or whatever martyr-enmeshment rubbish card she wants to play, it's all crap.
Look, this is just my tuppence, but maybe you should tell her that if she can't show you any respect as an adult, then she needs to go home until she herself can grow up. This is not healthy for you. If this was your spouse in your shoes being treated like this, would you not defend that person and tell the in-laws to piss off?
Whatever you do, say, I send you all the luck in the world. I feel for you, as another thirty-something who has a mental mother.
I've never stood up to my mother and today I somehow had to strength to not only do that, but to walk away from her too.
She was causing a scene and saying that she wanted her little girl back. And I told her she'd never had a little girl. She could choose between two sons or one son. As if she chooses the latter, she won't hear from me again. She slapped me for my "blatant disrespect" and I walked away.
I think the gods were listening as I was able to turn around and simply step onto a train as soon as the doors were closing.
I'm sorry that it had to come this far, but kudos for being able to stand up to her! I hope that somehow she'll come around. Can you connect with your aunt maybe, to get some support?
Quote from: M->-bleeped-<-ie-Mind link=topic=184625.msg1642932#msg1642932 date=1426434744
I've never stood up to my mother and today I somehow had to strength to not only do that, but to walk away from her too.
M->-bleeped-<-ie, while it's disressing that you've had to do this and weather those days with your mother, I truly think you did the right thing. So kudos to you dude for being who you are. Sometimes you need to push back. If your mother wants respect it's a two-way street.
A pity to waste a good day in London...
Hugs
Julia
I'm sorry you are having to deal with such a difficult situation, but good job for standing up for yourself. She may not change but that is a huge and important step for you to take control of the situation and your sanity. We don't know each other, but I'm proud of you!
Quote from: M->-bleeped-<-ie-Mind link=topic=184625.msg1642932#msg1642932 date=1426434744
I've never stood up to my mother and today I somehow had to strength to not only do that, but to walk away from her too.
She was causing a scene and saying that she wanted her little girl back. And I told her she'd never had a little girl. She could choose between two sons or one son. As if she chooses the latter, she won't hear from me again. She slapped me for my "blatant disrespect" and I walked away.
I think the gods were listening as I was able to turn around and simply step onto a train as soon as the doors were closing.
I am...so proud. So very proud. And the dramatic 'turn-and-go'...perfect. That is just absolutely perfect. I'm raising my glass to you right now. It's only water, but the sentiment is there.
Welcome to a new chapter in your life, my friend.
It's good you walked away. If you would of hit back she could of really messed you up. You could probably get her on assault or restraining order if it came down to it.
Alex has two good points here. By walking away, you proved to be the bigger person, definitely more mature. And by striking you, that's technically assault and you could use that to your advantage in the future if she keeps pushing you.
However, one can also hope that she grows up and learns to respect you and your choices.
I suppose I am used to her striking me so it never really registered. I grew up in a family that uses physical punishment, so I am used to being hit when I do/say something she doesn't like. Which was pretty often tbh.
It never really occurred to me that it was assault and I could get a restraining order, because... Well, because she's my mum. It sounds ridiculous when I say it, but it's the best way I have of describing it.
Once again hugs. You should be proud of how you handled the situation, never let your mother bring you down again.
(I hope you don't mind me barging in, just found this thread and had to reply...)
Oh my god yes. Standing up to her, turning around, and whisking off in a perfectly timed train...I'm sure there's a lot more to your story I don't know about, but I get the feeling that was a long time coming. Good on you man.
Plus spending a day at the British Museum sounds awesome. Her inability to appreciate that says a lot about her maturity...
Quote from: M->-bleeped-<-ie-Mind link=topic=184625.msg1644415#msg1644415 date=1426592574
I suppose I am used to her striking me so it never really registered. I grew up in a family that uses physical punishment, so I am used to being hit when I do/say something she doesn't like. Which was pretty often tbh.
It never really occurred to me that it was assault and I could get a restraining order, because... Well, because she's my mum. It sounds ridiculous when I say it, but it's the best way I have of describing it.
I can appreciate your hesitance. After growing up with so much abuse from my mother and brother, I grew up thinking it was normal. She also plays the martyr and/or victim really well. Nice little emotional manipulation, and I'm sick of it. It sounds like you've reached your breaking point just like I have. At the end of the day, you must take care of yourself first. Do what is best for M->-bleeped-<-ie. M->-bleeped-<-ie deserves to be happy and to surround himself with people who are loving and supportive. So here's a Bro Hug from Atlanta, because I think you're pretty damn cool and I'm behind you.
Today has been the first day this week without the threat of my mother hanging over me.
I changed my bedsheets. Cleaned my entire room. Had a really really long shower. Made pizza dough for this evening. Went out for a walk and bought myself a huge peppermint mocha; which I then idly sipped whilst walking along the Thames.
There was no one there to tell me I'm fat or ugly or an embarrassment. No one to tell me how shameful I am and that no one will ever love me. I didn't feel tense or fearful. I wasn't constantly looking over my shoulder to see if she was there.
I'm now in my nice clean room in comfy PJ's. I whipped up a quick bread dough and that is now baking in the oven and I have been playing with a new idea for a tea blend. So my flat smells like fresh bread and tea.
I think that the rest of the day will be spent reading comics and looking into how one would go about opening an LGBTQ tea room. Yes. I think that will be a good way to spend the rest of the day.
The relief must be palpable! A shame that you had to endure it.
Yes, a flat filled with the smell of baking bread and tea is a wonderful thing. Enjoy!
xxx
J
Sounds perfect.
Feels damn good, doesn't it?
Quote from: M->-bleeped-<-ie-Mind link=topic=184625.msg1641023#msg1641023 date=1426208000
I am going to try and keep this as short as possible and it will hopefully be trigger free. I shall edit as I go along to try and make sure of this.
My mother is visiting tomorrow and she will be staying the whole week. Thankfully she won't be staying with me as my living quarters are too small. But she has chosen a B&B across the road and specifically asked for a room where the window faces the uni (my campus is very picturesque and the University very old and used in a lot of Hollywood films; so this is not a strange request.) She can see my Halls of Residence from her window. So she can see if I'm actually going to Uni or just trying to avoid her whilst she's here.
As for why I might avoid her; to put it as carefully as I can, my mother has always been abusive. And has become more so since I came out. She has demanded that I take her for dinner so we can talk about my transition. She wants me to "stay the way God made you." She refuses to use my name and my pronouns and when she's not using my birth name, she will liberally use words such as daughter and little girl.
I am a thirty year old man, I shouldn't be so terrified of her, but I am. I just want to get it all over and done with.
I am a lot younger than you and still dependent on my family,
but i know exactly how it feels to be petrified from the people who were supposed to care for you.
You have my best wishes, unfortunatley, i cannot read the whole thread so as not to trigger myself too much, i hope you can understand.