Hi, so I promise that I will try not ramble but I think I have to write writing everything out,so here goes.
I am Renata, hi
So my story is probably not that unique, I don't think I am that unique of a snowflake.
My birth certificate says Male, but I think I have known that was wrong probably as early as 6. I grew up in a relatively strict religious home, where my father repeatedly would threaten me to not show the least bit of feminine nature. When I was in middle school I had started to steal my mom's clothes, I don't have a sister so that was my only option. When I was caught I was pretty much threatened with beating and hospitalization so I lied to myself.
I would go to high school and I always wanted to be in groups with other girls, I couldn't relate to male students and let's just say as the fat kid, I was alone a lot.
I never even heard of the concept of transgender until I was in college, but even then since I was very religious I was told that it was wrong, I spent nights praying for forgiveness for hating my own body like I did. I kept thinking that I was wrong that all I needed to do was find someone that maybe if I started dating I would find my happiness there. I met my first girlfriend when I was 20 and we forced a very bad toxic relationship for years until I got away. I never shaved, keeping a long beard anything to hide the scared woman I was inside I was constantly alone and I feared that if I became friends with them they would sense what I thought was a wrongness within me. Undiagnosed depression led to poor health choices and weight gain
Thankfully I never got into drugs or too heavily into alcohol but I had a couple times I could have.
I lived in constant fear of my father until his death in 2010, even though we had stopped speaking his words still carried so much weight. I finally came out to my brother, but it was more of a "I think I might be" as I still kind of wanted to not jump in and admit everything even to myself
Right now over the winter I took the step and finally gave up on keeping it inside and I also finally have a real job, my depression kept me from keeping any meaningful employment and brings health coverage which is allowing me to seek out a therapist that I feel I need. I turn 34 this week and finally feel like I might have some motion towards healing.
But other things aside I am music lover, I am passionate about film and have a not small love of superheroes I think the secret identity thing always connected with me
But after my long rant hi nice to meet you and thanks for letting me share if you made it this far
Hi Renata welcome to Susan's. I hope you can find answers you need here.
Hi Renate, welcome to Susan's.
Your story has a lot of similarities to others. I'm glad you found us. There is a lot of information here and many friends to be made.
Here are some links to site rules and some answers to often asked questions.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
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Welcome here!! Of course we read it even though most of us didn't have too. The reason? Our stories are very much the same!
You will find that out soon enough so relax and dig right in. :)
Hey!
Welcome to Susan's
Thank you for the warm welcome
Hi Renata, welcome to Susan's Place! I live near Boston. I read every word, that wasn't a rant or a ramble, and I think you are a unique snowflake. :) Do you have your demons under control? I'm keeping mine at bay, I'm a recovering alcoholic. We have an Addiction forum here. See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
too be honest, no I really don't my demons have plenty ammo on me. I think I've taken some steps in just really accepting and admitting things about myself.
We'll be here for you if you need help with that. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Welcome to Susan's
I have read a lot of posts that sound very similar to yours. You are among friends.
Felt unbelievably liberating just to tell my story
Hey Renata,
I joined this forum almost exactly a year ago and it was one of the most pivotal moments of my life.
Welcome and I hope you get as much from the people here as they have given me, ask anything within the forum rules and don't be shy :)
Welcome, Renata! Your story is so familiar. Know that you are among friends. Family can be the hardest obstacle and/or the biggest support. I wish you luck with your journey. Remember that you are not alone.
Quote from: Renata on March 16, 2015, 03:54:35 PM
But other things aside I am music lover, I am passionate about film and have a not small love of superheroes I think the secret identity thing always connected with me
So cool. Me, too. I'm glad to see I'm not alone in that. I always loved the idea of the quiet unassuming woman turning into a powerful superhero! Gave me hope. [emoji1]
Quote from: ChiGirl on March 16, 2015, 08:38:57 PM
Welcome, Renata! Your story is so familiar. Know that you are among friends. Family can be the hardest obstacle and/or the biggest support. I wish you luck with your journey. Remember that you are not alone.
So cool. Me, too. I'm glad to see I'm not alone in that. I always loved the idea of the quiet unassuming woman turning into a powerful superhero! Gave me hope. [emoji1]
Yeah, the quiet becoming powerful. The other thing I think is just standing up for something you believe in and fighting. I mean sure sometimes the writers can be very violent and closeminded but in general they give hope and are just fun.
I have no idea what to expect from my family, I could honestly expect anything from my mom, and my other brother.
Quote from: antonia on March 16, 2015, 08:35:49 PM
Hey Renata,
I joined this forum almost exactly a year ago and it was one of the most pivotal moments of my life.
Welcome and I hope you get as much from the people here as they have given me, ask anything within the forum rules and don't be shy :)
Well, happy anniversary to you!
Hugs, Devlyn
Welcome Renata :icon_wave: glad you found us all.
Your story (as mentioned already) is as many of us's is... Just some are able to do something earler others, like me, later in life... You'll find all the questions, stories and outcomes here... I do and feel so good amongst such warmth and consideration..
L Katy :-*
Welcome!
Your father sounds scarily like my own. Family can be both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. Thank you for sharing your story. That first step is always pretty nerve wracking. You'll find that we are a very friendly and social group from all over the place. Make yourself comfortable and look around the boards. Don't be shy about peeking all over, we don't bite. We do drink far too much coffee around here though... *makes another cup*
Hi Renata :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M